Day 67 – No PMO:
Today is hands down the toughest day I’ve had to endure in many weeks. The urge would just not leave me alone. It’s persistent, loud and feels determined to get me to relapse. Today’s also the first time I’ve felt like I might really relapse on this journey. The only thing currently keeping me is the knowledge of how difficult things are when I actually do relapse. I went for a run twice today in an attempt to clear my head. I also tried to stay clear of any form of porn fishing that leads me down a nasty path. The thing is, I champion the philosophy that you shouldn’t fight the urge, because that would only make it stronger. But for this 67-day streak that I’m on, I always use healthy distractions to create a distance between myself and porn, so I can make a more informed decision. Taking a cold shower and going for 2 runs has helped me, but I still feel the porn monster is just waiting around the corner.
The constant porn flashbacks, the memories of the pleasure are all flooding my brain right now, as if porn is all pleasure and no pain. I forget the pain of losing my loved ones to my selfish indulgence, the pain of living with PIED, the pain of shame, regret, anger, lethargy, procrastination. All of those emotions I can rationally recall in my head, but they won’t fully come back unless I do fire up the browser and throw in the towel. I need to remember that there is only one way out of this hell, and it’s through. I need to be relentless in this battle. I can’t forget all the bad times when I’m addicted to porn. I can’t forget the pain and suffering it has caused me. Feeding this addiction will only create a bigger addiction.
I don’t believe that I will relapse tonight, but I have certainly come closer to that today than I have since I started on this streak. I found myself typing up a music video on YouTube. This particular music video doesn’t have explicit imagery and is not sexually charged, but in the past I used to listen to it as part of my pre-porn session ritual. When I started this streak, I vowed to never come close to anything that might act as a trigger for me, and this video is one of those things. Aside from that, I did not look or search anything that might jeopardize my streak and I am trying to be extra vigilant.