Escaping the status addictus...

McNutty

McNutty

Active Member
Day 6 - No PMO:

Today was relatively calm compared to the last few days. I was well-rested but still had a lot of work to get done, so the residual stress is still there. I feel very good about this streak and know that it is the one. I'm not even relying on will power anymore. If I get urges (as I have been the past few days), I just get up from my seat do a few push ups. Then I sit back down on my chair and meditate on the urge for about 10 minutes. After that, I gear up and go for a run. Will power only works insofar that it gets me to start doing those things, instead of completely giving up and jerking it whenever I get triggered. Obviously still not keeping my guard down, especially in my current mental state, but I am glad that I found a system that works. And I really hope that it does.

The road is still pretty long. I've barely scratched the surface and I am fine with that. I've accepted that it will take as long as it needs to take to get better. Until then, I'll keep following the relapse prevention techniques that work for me and will keep going. On to the next one...
 
McNutty

McNutty

Active Member
Day 7 - No PMO:

Another porn free day takes me closer to my target. I was out of the house for most of today and didn't have much to deal with in terms of urges during, except in the morning when I was hit with some urges that made me do some push ups and go for a jog. I wasn't planning to exercise in the morning but the urge made me do it, so that's a plus. Given that I constantly complain of low mood, I was relieved to go a full day without significant mood swings. My anxiety and depression were kept at bay.

I generally start to feel slightly better after the first week but it doesn't last long before my mood dips again entering the 2nd and 3rd weeks. I don't have any expectations and will not budge whether I feel 'good' or not so much. As I always say, I know the road is long and all of this is just part of the journey. In terms of my plans for tomorrow, I'll just work my day job and start preparing a plan to be out of the house when I can for the next two weeks, as the urges will likely peak between the 10 and 18 day mark.
 
McNutty

McNutty

Active Member
Day 8 - No PMO:

A very long and difficult day has passed. I wasn't hit by intense urges, but I was very stressed out because of work. I also want to note how porn completely robbed my ability to feel any enjoyment out of things. I can't wait to return back to 'normal'. It's been many years since I felt like myself. I'm sticking to the main plan of just holding out through the next couple of weeks as I expect things to get difficult.

A sense of despair washes over me from time to time. I know this is probably due to the withdrawals, but it is not a great feeling. Going into this last challenge, I knew some difficult times were ahead of me, but the intense mood dips are just too much to deal with sometimes. I hope that one day I can look back at this journal to put in perspective how well my mental health had improved.
 
McNutty

McNutty

Active Member
Day 9 - Nein PMO:

Today was the last 'single digit' day, which in my case, historically denotes the start of the hardest period of my reboot. day 10 to 18 are the make-or-break days. As for today, it was quite easy in terms of urges with not a lot to report on. I will be home alone tomorrow so I must prepare to leave the house before my partner does, as otherwise I'll have to fight urges for the whole day. I'm already feeling the rush when I think I'll be home alone.

Time flies quickly. In a few days I'll be 2 weeks in on this challenge, and before I know it, 30 days will have gone by. It's up to me to make the right choices every day. So far, my relapse prevention techniques have lived up to their name. A combination of urge surfing and exercise does not fail me. I guess now I know the urges I can deal with. It's the dark thoughts in my head that make me weak. As addicts we know that the 'suckiest' thing about this journey is not just that we have to fight every day of our lives, it's that the battleground is in our own minds. In our case, the enemy is not at the gates. The enemy is inside our heads.
 
McNutty

McNutty

Active Member
Day 0:

Unfortunately I slipped yesterday. I knew I was going to be home alone and I had prepared in advance to be out of the house. I woke up late and was hungry so I got food delivered. While I was waiting on the food I realised the urges were getting stronger. I did some urge surfing and push ups, which worked, but I just sat back down on my TV and binged on Netflix. I should've gone out when I had the chance. I relapsed after I saw a scene that triggered me. I also had another relapse today.

I'm not going to cry over this slip or shame myself over it. I just want to keep record of what made me slip and how I can improve myself. I'm starting over and will make sure not to stay alone at home. The urge surfing and exercise have served me well so I'll likely retain those habits.
 
McNutty

McNutty

Active Member
Day 1 - No PMO:

Started the day with a sense of acceptance that I have to push through despite what I'm feeling. I didn't get urges to watch, and I am just going about my day as normal. I've had a couple of good streaks in the past that started on 20 March, so I always feel good about this day. Not that it matters much in the grand scheme of things what day I start the journey at.

There is no turning back, only forward. The more I prolong this, the more I will have to endure torturous days.
 
McNutty

McNutty

Active Member
Day 2 - No PMO:

Another day another fight. I feel okay today and my mental health is not super bad. I don't know what to expect in terms of the coming days/weeks, but the sooner I go through this, the better. I will keep pushing for the rest of my life. I don't have much plans for today. I'm planning to go out in the evening with a few friends.

I'm confident that I will not have a relapse today, but even if I get triggered for whatever reason, I will follow the protocol I set for myself. The coming 100 days will be all about avoiding triggers and making things as easy for myself as possible. When I have enough willpower reserve to overcome urges without the need for all those protocols, then I will loosen up a bit. Until then, I shall keep fighting the good fight.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Sir_Cooms said:
The coming 100 days will be all about avoiding triggers and making things as easy for myself as possible. When I have enough willpower reserve to overcome urges without the need for all those protocols, then I will loosen up a bit. Until then, I shall keep fighting the good fight.
Click to expand...
These words are truth

Keep it up brother.
 
McNutty

McNutty

Active Member
Day 3 - No PMO:

Yesterday (missed the journal) was another okay day. I just went about my day as normal and didn't have any noteworthy urges. I keep ruminating about the time I lost to PMO over the years. The amount of damage I have done for myself also haunts me when I'm alone. I have severe PIED to the point where it's hard for me to get it up to even porn, except if I really engage in one of my fetishes. The signs are clear that I have a long way to go. I've said it once before, the fact that my brain is willing to forgive me for all the crap I fed it since I was six (when I started touching myself), is something that I do not take for granted.
 
McNutty

McNutty

Active Member
Day 4 - No PMO:

I haven't mentioned it before on this forum, but I may have severe ROCD (relationship OCD), which is characterised by obsessive thoughts about my relationship with my partner. This issue flared up towards the latter half of last year and was slowly consuming my mental health, along with body dysmorphia and my regular OCD. I also had an HOCD (homosexual OCD, obsessive thoughts about being the opposite sexual orientation) attack, but luckily that didn't last many days. I suspect my OCD is behind my anxiety and depression. What's interesting is that when I went 67 days PMO free, I got these thoughts less and less. There are multiple accounts on YBOP about people whose OCD symptoms vanished after about a year into the journey.

I am planning to see a therapist for sure, but part of me also wants to experiment with seeing how leaving PMO behind would affect my mental health. This is why I'm actually planning to go at least 4 months first without PMO, before I seek professional help. I know I know, this is probably a very bad advice. In fact, if anyone is going through a rough patch, I would immediately advise them to seek professional help. For me, though, I just feel like I have to know. I need to know if PMO was behind much of these thoughts. If I see a therapist soon, it would be difficult for me to ascertain if leaving PMO was the reason, or if it was therapy. Again, all of this is just shooting in the dark, but I just have to know.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
OCD is tough. It's interesting that your symptoms subsided when you were off porn for 67 days. GL!
 
McNutty

McNutty

Active Member
Day 5 - No PMO:

I missed yesterday's entry so typing it now. Had a bit of a tough day yesterday mental health-wise. I haven't had to deal with a lot of urges since my last relapse which is a plus. Days feel like they are blending into each other and I am waiting for something to happen. I feel very dull and of course my schlong feels dead. As usual, I don't have any expectations for the first couple of weeks. They are usually the hardest, not just in terms of urges, but also in terms of the mental drain.

Although this is the billionth time I try to quit porn, I will continue to be relentless with my pursuit of a porn-free life.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top