Escaping the status addictus...

[McNutty]

Thank you for sharing about your state! 67 days days is impressive. Nice that you have determination and clear goal

Thanks for stopping by, @iwander. I hope (and trust) that my goal isn't a mirage and I will actually get somewhere in the end. I am 100% sure I will be in a better place by the 100th day, but I am not as sure about what specific aspect of my mental health will improve. Maybe my motivation, willpower and general sense of peace will get better, but my OCD symptoms will still persist. I don't know, but I'll keep pushing through...

 

[McNutty]

Day 6 - No PMO:

Another mostly uneventful day. I didn't have any serious urges to report on. My mental health is still not doing too well unfortunately. As I mentioned on yesterday's entry, I don't expect to see any improvement until a few weeks in. The number 1 priority right now is to survive without a relapse. Tomorrow is tomorrow's problem. I'll post the day 7 entry in a bit as today is actually day 7.

 

[McNutty]

Day 7 - No PMO:

This one really has to work. Not because I'm tired of relapsing (which I am), but because my mental health is not as resilient as it was just a few months ago. I'm on the verge of cracking every day I continue with this journey. A relapse at this time in my life can have very negative consequences. I honestly believe I'm at a stage of my life where the pain of relapse is genuinely greater than the pleasure I get from PMO. In the past I would tell myself this in the hopes of staying clean, but a degree of 'tricking myself' into believing it was in order. Now, every moment of the day I am reminded of how much pain I caused myself by not straightening out sooner. I don't mean in the sense of getting a 'clean streak', but in the sense of continuing to brush my worsening mental health under the carpet because I didn't want to deal with the pain.

It feels like I no longer have recourse in anything but going through this. This is a message for my future self: If you ever think about relapsing and 'just starting over', remember that I am now paying the debt for all the times in the past I decided to delay recovery 'after this one'. Even the seemingly small relapses are part of this problem. There is no room for error anymore. I am really on the edge and will have to make better choices going forward.

 

[McNutty]

Day 8 - No PMO:

My mood was still in a decline today. I try to keep a positive mindset but I am finding it difficult sometimes. My BDD and OCD is getting worse and I am struggling to finish mundane tasks. Mental health problems are very crippling and they cause me to question everything about my existence.

The other noteworthy thing is I keep fantasizing about women I see on the street. This usually happens at this point in my streak. Maybe it's due to the testosterone peaking around the 7-day mark? I'm not sure, but either way, it's good to spot these patterns because it makes it easier to anticipate what comes next. Around day ten, things will get really challenging, and I will have to face the biggest hurdle, possibly in my journey. I speak a lot about day 10 - 18 being the 'danger zone', but I rarely have a proper plan for when that week comes around. For now my plan is never to be home alone. If I get urges, I follow the urge-surfing-push ups-running protocol that helps me distance myself from the urge.

 

[Androg]

Day 8 - No PMO:

My mood was still in a decline today. I try to keep a positive mindset but I am finding it difficult sometimes. My BDD and OCD is getting worse and I am struggling to finish mundane tasks. Mental health problems are very crippling and they cause me to question everything about my existence.

The other noteworthy thing is I keep fantasizing about women I see on the street. This usually happens at this point in my streak. Maybe it's due to the testosterone peaking around the 7-day mark? I'm not sure, but either way, it's good to spot these patterns because it makes it easier to anticipate what comes next. Around day ten, things will get really challenging, and I will have to face the biggest hurdle, possibly in my journey. I speak a lot about day 10 - 18 being the 'danger zone', but I rarely have a proper plan for when that week comes around. For now my plan is never to be home alone. If I get urges, I follow the urge-surfing-push ups-running protocol that helps me distance myself from the urge.

Hope things ease up soon.

 

[McNutty]

Hope things ease up soon.

Thanks! I know they will

 

[McNutty]

Day 9 - No PMO:

I'm back at nine days after my last relapse. Going through a bit of a rough patch as of late, but hanging in there. Today has mostly been BDD-free, so I am grateful for that. I'm trying a mindset shift and also trying to reframe my OCD thoughts so that ruminations don't consume me.

I didn't have a lot of urges lately, but I'm wondering if it's time to cut back on Youtube and Netflix, as they seem to be triggering me. Obviously they come in handy when I need to kill time or when I'm bored, which (boredom) also happens to be a major trigger. I wonder if I should take up some more beneficial hobbies. I'm only relaxed with those 'vices' during the early part of my reboots because I try not to stress my brain with too much dopamine starvation. But I'm not sure I'm getting the benefit out of YT and Netflix anymore. I don't use social media at all, so that's a plus. I play video games from time to time but haven't done so in a few weeks and plan to keep it that way for now.

Other than that, all looks good for tomorrow. Entering the danger zone now so will try to be extra careful, especially around the sneaky type urges. I'm gonna try to come up with ways to keep myself occupied. I'm thinking of staying with family out of state for a while as a change of environment.

 

[Androg]

What about learning another language? Or a program?

 

[McNutty]

Day 10 - No PMO:

It's interesting that I bounced back relatively quickly after my last relapse. Usually I take about 2 weeks of bingeing after a relapse before I reach double digits again. This time I only relapsed for a couple of days and just got back to it. Anyways, just an interesting observation I noted as I just now made surpassed my last streak. I have a somewhat of a busy week ahead of me so that'll keep me occupied for the remainder of the danger zone.

I experienced some urges today as I am currently home alone after my wife had to be somewhere. I wasn't expecting to be home alone, otherwise I would have tried to prepare in advance, given how much of a trigger it is. On the plus side, I decided to just sit with my urges as I have work to do and leaving the house would be tricky at short notice. It worked, although I'm getting some flashbacks that I'm trying to work around. Unfortunately, my BDD/OCD symptoms are not giving me a break. Although, I think it is actually slightly better than when I first started this streak. I expect some hard days ahead. I must stick to the path no matter what happens.

 

[Androg]

Remember a trigger is not permission. It's a reason to get tough and stay in control.

 

[McNutty]

Day 1 – No PMO:
Mood: 2/10
Energy: 4/10

I am actually on day 3 as I started this new streak on the 22nd. In the interest of being consistent and journaling every day until 90 days (and beyond), I decided to log my entry for the past two days retroactively. I will then journal for the 3rd day (24 June) later today. Yes, I’m back after disappearing for a while. I started this latest challenge following a painful relapse that caused me plenty of suffering. Tale as old as time, I keep saying it’s the last time, try to make some changes, but fall back on my old ways not long after. I reached a point where I am confident I’m nearing my breaking point, my ‘elastic limit’, so to speak. I can’t continue living like this and expect to continue living.

 

[McNutty]

Day 2 – No PMO:
Mood: 3/10
Energy: 3/10

I recorded down my average daily mood and energy levels to keep track of my progress. My main obstacles remain my OCD and severe anxiety issues, most likely brought about by my continued indulgence despite negative consequences. Put plainly, there is no more room for error as I cannot sustain living like this anymore. I will continue to journal every day until I reach a point where I am comfortable enough that I will not relapse easily. I will not only use the journal to document how my mental issues are improving (hopefully), but also how my porn-induced fetishes are changing back to how I used to be when I was younger.

 

[McNutty]

Day 3 – No PMO:
Mood: 4/10
Energy: 4/10

Today is better than the past 2 days since I (re)started this journey. The first day was one of the most difficult days I had to endure in a long time. I really felt like I am approaching the ‘end’. It is not a fun place to be for sure. In order to combat urges and ensure I don’t relapse this time around, I think I will resort to meditating and practicing urge-surfing as it has worked well for me in the past.

Unfortunately, in addition to the declining mental health, I noticed that I have developed a severe cuckolding fetish – which I think ties well with my damaged self-image and humiliation fetish I have been feeding for the longest time. I mentioned in one of my earlier entries a few months back that whatever I watch has consequences outside my sexual framework too, and that’s what makes it so dangerous. It is not that my cuckold/humiliation fetish is just a kink of sorts, I believe it’s how I view myself in real life, and therefore it’s how I conduct myself. It’s time to leave this crap behind me for good.

 

[Androg]

I’d encourage you to seek professional help if you’re dealing with OCD or severe anxiety.

If you ever feel like self-harming or suicide, please consider texting HOME to 741741. That will connect you with a volunteer Crisis Counselor. You could also consider texting 988 - Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - https://988lifeline.org/

 

[McNutty]

I’d encourage you to seek professional help if you’re dealing with OCD or severe anxiety.

If you ever feel like self-harming or suicide, please consider texting HOME to 741741. That will connect you with a volunteer Crisis Counselor. You could also consider texting 988 - Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - https://988lifeline.org/

Thanks @Androg - that's very helpful. I've been looking up a few therapists lately and will probably start seeing one soon. I am however, still resolved to continue the journey of quitting PMO as I know from experience it really helps with my OCD/anxiety. That being said, feeling suicidal is serious and I appreciate that my personal struggle with addiction and developing mental illnesses are all probably linked.

 

[McNutty]

Day 4 – No PMO:
Mood: 3.5/10
Energy: 3/10

Today has been relatively smooth with no significant OCD attacks to report on. I haven’t had an urge to PMO at all the past 4 days, but not to say that I will be complacent at any point. I expect the next few weeks to be very stressful and therefore will have to prepare in advance. My mood and energy levels are still on the low side. I’m keeping track of progress so by the end of the 90 days, I’ll make a graph chart that shows trends. For now, just gotta face the suck…

 

[McNutty]

Day 5 – No PMO:
Mood: 4/10
Energy: 5/10

Today is significantly better than the past couple of days, although I don’t feel great by a long shot. I have some urges to PMO as I have been home alone for a while now. My partner has been going out for work a lot lately and I found that it’s impractical for me to always be out when she is, especially that I’m going to be working from home for the next couple of months. Being home alone is one of my biggest triggers, and I feel like if I power through, I’ll become more equipped to handle urges as they come. This is the third day in a row that I’m home alone, but today I was closest to relapsing. I meditated for a bit and did some urge-surfing so I’m all good now. It doesn’t look like I will be relapsing tonight so I’ll continue working on my job.

 

[McNutty]

Day 6 - No PMO:
Mood: 3/10
Energy: 3/10

Another difficult day, but at least it's almost out of the way now. I keep having OCD flare ups and I just hope this doesn't last too long. Usually this early on in the journey nothing surprises me when it comes to low mood. I've done this enough times to know this part will suck, but just because I'm expecting it, doesn't mean it feels less sucky. The next few days are going to be vital for my journey, and the toughest days will start a week from now.

In terms of urges, nothing too intense that I can't handle. I meditate every day and generally try to take note of my feelings. As I mentioned on an earlier entry, I definitely feel like I am at a crossroads with not much room for error.

 

[Androg]

Right. Withdrawal sucks. But it does pass. So have a good book at hand for when you need to unwind.

 

[McNutty]

Day 7 – No PMO:
Mood: 4.5/10
Energy: 4/10

Today was better than I expected. I woke up feeling rundown but as the day progressed I started feeling better. Some days I handle my stress/anxiety better than other days. The other piece of good news is that I managed to stay alone at home (and do work) while my partner was out. As mentioned before, I can’t really prepare to be out of the house whenever she’s not home, especially as I am also busy. When I realised I was alone after she left, I felt the usual rush and PMO flashbacks started flooding my brain. I was starting crack when I decided to surf the urge and just focus on the present moment. It subsided not long after! Real victory as being home alone is my one of my biggest triggers (almost as strong as watching a porn clip!), and I’ve managed to stay home alone 5 days in the past week w/o touching myself. Urge surfing FTW!