Escaping the status addictus...

McNutty

Active Member
You're crushing it! It's awesome to hear your mental health has seen improvements
Thanks so much Seano! It has seen quite a lot of improvements I would say. It's nice to see how quickly the brain acclimates and readjusts when you quit a bad habit. Not to say there won't be tough days ahead, but at least I know that we are on the way.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 55 - No PMO:

Seeing continuous improvement everyday is a good place to be both mentally and physically. I'm losing weight (primarily because I cut processed sugars) and have better mental clarity. I still do feel a problem with 'connecting the dots' in my head when critical thinking is required. I am also a bit forgetful these days but I still feel less 'clutter' or noise in my head. The feeling is hard to explain and I know this sounds a bit contradictory, but there are genuine changes happening in my head which I don't fully comprehend. I understand how addiction changes the brain in many areas (the PFC, the nucleus accumbens, the reward pathways, etc.), and that a large component of abstinence is rewiring the brain.

I trust my brain is making the right adjustments, and will do my part of not watching porn, eat processed food, etc. From the thousands of reports online of people recovering from caffeine/porn/sugar/alcohol abuse, I know that the light awaits me at the end of the tunnel.

I know not all addictions are created equal, but at the end of the day, an addiction is a subjective experience. For a recovering alcoholic, alcohol might be the worst drug on earth. But for a porn addict, alcohol might not even cross their minds (especially if they don't drink at all). You could argue all day about what addiction is worse, but it only matters that it is 'the worst' for you. And this is how I feel about caffeine. It is not seen as a horrible drug, and society has been pushing it for centuries. But for me, my recent experience with quitting caffeine has revealed to me how much it was damaging my life, sleep, and anxiety levels.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 56 - No PMO:

A few days away from 60 days and there's a lot to reflect upon. I am growing to love the journey and the rewards that come with it. Today I guess I can talk about how shame from what I used to watch was likely affecting my self-esteem:

Most people, myself included, don't enjoy the feeling of being humiliated in real life. But that became the type of porn that I gravitated towards as I grew up. I have always thought the twisted fantasies I got off to was 'hidden' in an area of my brain that only come out if I recall it consciously (when I'm about to jerk off). The truth is, I started to notice how sexuality and real-life interactions with people are not so divorced afterall, and that probably my insecurities and feelings of worthlessness are manifesting themselves in my day-to-day life because of what I watched, because it was how I viewed myself. My suspicions are confirmed every time I take a break from PMO and start to notice the shame and feelings of worthlessness slowly die go away.

It's hard to explain how I feel these days, but maybe 'dignified' could be an appropriate word. Although it has significantly reduced over the past few weeks, I still feel shame (especially whenever I get urges), from time to time. Add to that, I still have a way to go before I make it to 100 days (so still early on in the journey). Until then, I will make sure to stop and appreciate the benefits along the way.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 57 - No PMO:

Today was fairly calm. No urges and no difficulty getting through the day. I had minor symptoms of BDD and low mood, but I don't expect them to fully disappear anytime soon. What matters to me is the intensity and frequency/duration of the low mood. I also lacked motivation for most of the day but still pushed through with my daily targets to improve myself. I'm feeling the Monday blues starting to kick in already as it's Sunday night, and I am a bit dissapointed that I didn't work on my entrepreneurial goals during the weekend, which is my largest chunk of free time.

I'm thinking of doing a special 'two-months milestone' entry when I hit 60 days and just write about the biggest challenges, the next milestone and what I plan to do with the porn free lifestyle that I have embraced. It would be a lie to say that being porn free has not impacted my life significantly. I would say it has changed my life (hopefully forever). I am a different person to what I was when I first started this journey. I've always knew that this is the path I must take, so it didn't surprise me all that much how things improved, but I am still in awe of how different my life is becoming. I was having a shower thought earlier today that one day I would look back at this part of my journey and go like: 'those were the good times...the times when I was in the thick of it all'.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 58 - No PMO:

Today I had a slight rekindling of urges, which is something I haven't had to deal with in almost 2 weeks. The urges are not so much that they would make me relapse, but they are becoming a nuisance since I am trying to focus on work and starting my own thing.

Leaving porn behind is triggering a sel-improvement (although I don't like this overused term) journey, where I try to better myself everyday and also build consistent habits. I feel better than I did a few weeks ago. But more importantly, I feel more in touch with my 'true' emotions. I can no longer tolerate a mediocre existence, and that's causing me a lot of pain (this idea has always caused me pain but I would numb the feelings using porn). This is why I've started doing things that inconvenience me, because I know that whatever pain I experience, it is no where near what I feel when I am dissapointing myself.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 59 - No PMO:

Starting to feel the heat with the urges coming back again today. I'm not sure if it's something I saw that triggered me or if it was just the stress, but either way I will need to be extra vigilant these days. I suspect the urges will gradually keep increasing in intensity over the next few days until I start getting tunnel vision, after which it will be difficult to put stop the PMO monster, but still doable. If and when I do get difficult urges, I will need to follow the basic emergency plan (I've tried many relapse prevention techniques over the last few years, and at this stage of my life, this seems to be the most effective): take a step back, go for a run/exercise to exhaustion, come back and take a very cold shower, and if it still persists; don't try and fight the urge.

I am ready for any urge, no matter how strong. I went too far on this journey to cop out now. But even if I were only on day 2 or 3, it makes no sense to give in to the urge, as it only prolongs the process. Also, the urges today made me forget that tomorrow I am officially 2 months PMO free!
 

TypeN

Active Member
Day 59 - No PMO:

Starting to feel the heat with the urges coming back again today. I'm not sure if it's something I saw that triggered me or if it was just the stress, but either way I will need to be extra vigilant these days. I suspect the urges will gradually keep increasing in intensity over the next few days until I start getting tunnel vision, after which it will be difficult to put stop the PMO monster, but still doable. If and when I do get difficult urges, I will need to follow the basic emergency plan (I've tried many relapse prevention techniques over the last few years, and at this stage of my life, this seems to be the most effective): take a step back, go for a run/exercise to exhaustion, come back and take a very cold shower, and if it still persists; don't try and fight the urge.

I am ready for any urge, no matter how strong. I went too far on this journey to cop out now. But even if I were only on day 2 or 3, it makes no sense to give in to the urge, as it only prolongs the process. Also, the urges today made me forget that tomorrow I am officially 2 months PMO free!
You're doing great mate. Saying no to those urges requires big strength. But for you I think you can do it; you've come this far without it! You've got a strong mindset for sure.

Keep doing what you can! 2 months is an excellent show of self mastery.
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Day 59 - No PMO:

Starting to feel the heat with the urges coming back again today. I'm not sure if it's something I saw that triggered me or if it was just the stress, but either way I will need to be extra vigilant these days. I suspect the urges will gradually keep increasing in intensity over the next few days until I start getting tunnel vision, after which it will be difficult to put stop the PMO monster, but still doable. If and when I do get difficult urges, I will need to follow the basic emergency plan (I've tried many relapse prevention techniques over the last few years, and at this stage of my life, this seems to be the most effective): take a step back, go for a run/exercise to exhaustion, come back and take a very cold shower, and if it still persists; don't try and fight the urge.

I am ready for any urge, no matter how strong. I went too far on this journey to cop out now. But even if I were only on day 2 or 3, it makes no sense to give in to the urge, as it only prolongs the process. Also, the urges today made me forget that tomorrow I am officially 2 months PMO free!
It seems like you got it under controll!

I know what is like to deal with huge urges, good luck, you can do it!!


two months free is a great thing, congratulations on that!
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 60 - No PMO:

2 months! It feels really good to be here. I want to say the journey was long, but time flies by so quickly. It wasn't until I decided to quit caffeine and processed sugars that I started to feel time moving slowly. I do not enjoy the withdrawal process from sugar. This journey free of porn & masturbation, has so far been one of the most interesting that I've embarked on. I'm certainly more 'mature' now and protective of my progress than I was when I would get long streaks in my late teens or early 20s. I guess the reason behind this is a sense of urgency I developed (I would tell myself things like: 'I've been going through this binge-relapse cycle for more than a decade now, when is it going to stop...?'). I also believe I got to a point where the pain of using porn and relapsing has become so great that it outweighed any pleasure I got from indulging. It was just not worth it anymore.

I did mention in my last entry how I expect tp start getting stronger urges over the next few days. I do feel this is true, because my mind was wandering about sexual thoughts a lot today, and I had to bring my attention back several times. Despite the growing urges, whenever I get the thought of relapsing, I imagine the post-nut clarity stage, and how painful it can be. Things get really serious, really fast, if I relapse nowadays. I just feel too bad and no amount of porn could justify me willingly bringing myself to that state. I cannot imagine myself ever relapsing to porn in my life going forward. My phone is full of reminders from myself, videos of myself pleading after a relapse, recordings I made crying about how I want to be free.

I am at a place today where I would have literally paid all of my earnings and gone in debt just for the sake of being where I am at this instant. Porn felt like it had an eternal grip on my life. I felt hopeless amd desperate. I would get anxious everytime I got cravings to watch, because I knew those could only mean relapse is going to come soon. For anyone reading this, don't let the thought that you are 'hopeless', or 'just wired differently', or you have 'confirmed hypofrontality', ever let you give up on trying. I thought I was the most addicted person on the planet. I thought I watched the most disgusting crap and there's no hope for my recovery. I know you hear this a lot, but unfortunately the only way out is through. Just keep fighting the good fight and try to develop a healthy mindset towards relapsing and recovery.
 

McNutty

Active Member
You're doing great mate. Saying no to those urges requires big strength. But for you I think you can do it; you've come this far without it! You've got a strong mindset for sure.

Keep doing what you can! 2 months is an excellent show of self mastery.
Thanks! I am very happy I made it this far and I don't take it for granted. I have been in the game long enough to fully comprehend what awaits me on the other side of relapse. Even if I did relapse, I will get back on the horse immediately because I have seen the way, and I can't unsee it now. Porn and I will never coexist together.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 61 – No PMO:

Today I mostly had to deal with a continuous urge that kept lingering in my head. Other than that, the day was mostly uneventful. I feel mentally drained from work, but maintaining good habits the past few days has helped me stay the course. I’ve made it to two months without orgasming (with or without porn). Given that I’ve already made it this far, I’m thinking to wait until I reach about a 100 days to try and have sex with my wife again. This wasn’t really by design but it just happened that I didn’t have sex with my wife in the last 2 months, most likely because my libido is dead anyway.

I don’t have much to add to today’s entry. I feel good about today despite the urges and I am ready to tackle tomorrow. In a few days I will beat my second-longest PMO free record of 68 days. I care more about maintaining my streaks now than anything. It takes one minute of complacency to get me to slip. This is the point in my journey that makes or breaks me. I either stick to it and end the year 80+ days free, or I give in and suffer the biggest regret of the year. There's no shame in relapse when you are already in the fight, but my problem is that I was not able to cultivate a healthy strategy when it comes to dealing with relapsing. This is why I really want to avoid it this time.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 62 - No PMO:

I missed 2 days worth of updates which is unacceptable rdgardless of how busy I am. On Friday I was really stressed out due to a problem at work. I didn't get a lot of urges but the stress mounting up is not good news. I slipped into a low mood the following day and I found myself fantasizing again. I didn't relapse thankfully but I have to be extra vigilant.

The other thing worth noting was that on Friday I had the first wet dream of my streak. So it took around 2 months to get a wet dream, as opposed to my earlier streaks a few years ago where I would get a wet dream every 3 weeks or so. I do not consider wet dreams a relapse for obvious reasons. I know there's an internet debate on what wet dreams mean for progress and whether it means there's a residual 'sexual imprint' in your subconscious mind. I personally don't care about all that and just let my body do its thing. Wet dreams also feel like your body is 'cleaning out the pipes' naturally. They also help with blue balls. As long as I don't consciously make myself ejaculate to porn then I'm all good.

I'll record yesterday and today's entries in a few hours below.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 63 - No PMO:

Yesterday was the 63rd day. The day started off really well. I woke up and immediately went for a long morning exercise session. By the time I got home I was ready to take on the day. Unfortunately, I kept experiencing bad mood swings and the day did not go as I had hoped. But then again, they never actually do. I have to say that I believe this is mostly due to the caffeine/processed sugars withdrawal and not PMO, although I can't say with a 100% certainty. The reason being that I mostly had sugar cravings and almost no urges to watch porn. Despite the tough day, I got most of my chores done and did not give in to my desires.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 64 - No PMO:

Today was the best day I've had in a few days. I slept well and woke up refreshed. I read a lot and had my cold shower, did my stretches (I'm having a rest day), and read about my business idea. I felt in tune with myself throughout the day, although I was stressed because tomorrow is Monday. I found that the only cure for the Monday blues is my business plans. I found out that I'm just not a good employee. I don't like my line of work and I don't like working for someone.

Ever since I quit caffeine and processed sugars 3 weeks ago, I've been bestowed with a seemingly unlimited supply of 'clean' energy. I wake up feeling good and light. I'm no longer neurotic and all over the place.

Also, leaving porn and masturbation behind me has been the single greatest decision of my life. Everything good that has been happening to me since is a direct result of that. I would never have been able to eat clean had I not been off porn. This filth appears to be the mother of all vices in my life. When I am porn free, even for a month, I stop feeling shame. My mind feels cleaner and there's mental space to fill with meaningful activities. For the next few months I know that my purpose is to build a business that would allow my wife and I the opportunity to leave the 9-5 life behind us. Not that there is anything wrong with a job. Heck, it's been the thing keeping us afloat for the longest time. But I think I'm just wired in a way that makes me geared more towards entrepreneurship. I might be wrong, but at least now quitting porn has equipped me with the starting kit to test my theories.
 

seano

Member
I think it's awesome you are staying away from caffeine and processed sugars as well as porn. They all produce similar effects of increasing dopamine in the brain. I've been thinking about cutting them out as well but am worried about cutting too much out at once
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 65 – No PMO:

I missed yesterday’s update again unfortunately, so I’ll be writing two updates today. Yesterday my BDD symptoms resurfaced again after having left me for a while. I still kept up my daily habits despite feeling low throughout the day. Sometimes I feel it’s hard to remind yourself that the bad times are just part of the process. I find myself constantly questioning myself on whether it’s all worth it. The rational answer is always yes, otherwise I wouldn’t have embarked on this journey in the first place. But a part of me just craves the comfort of doing what I want, when I want. I mentioned a few entries ago that I’m embarking on a journey to reintroduce pain into my life. It’s going well so far but I do feel strong resistance from my body.

Other than that, I had no noteworthy urges yesterday and I am happy that I am feeling stronger every day.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 66 – No PMO:

Today I’ve been hit with stronger urges for the first time in a while. I’m currently at work but it appears that something I saw triggered me (it wasn’t sexual, but it is something tied to my porn viewing ritual in the past). I’m doing okay mentally, and I feel strong despite the difficult times. In 2 weeks I will have reached the target I set out for myself when I started this thread. It’s amazing how quickly time flies.

Leaving porn behind me has enabled me to always look at the next stage in my personal development. I quit processed sugars to continue improving myself. Initially, I wanted to focus all my energy on beating porn once and for all, but I noticed that when I usually get to day 40+, I find myself thinking of the next thing I can tackle. As if I never suffered the worst addiction of my life just a few weeks before it. I also have a bad habit of growing complacent where I would stop being vigilant to triggers, etc. I’m working hard to make sure I don’t fall into the same trap again this time. I also forget how much pain porn has brought into my life. It’s a weird feeling, but I can’t tap into the same level of passion I used to write my earlier entries. Mainly because it’s been 66 days since I last saw a porn clip, and it feels so long. That and I tend to forget the hard times and only remember the pleasure when I’m horny. Addiction is a nasty thing and one of the strongest tools the cumbrain uses to keep you hooked is by making you forget how bad it was when you were using.

Christmas day will officially mark the longest time I’ve been without porn in over a decade. I would have paid everything to be in this position at the start of this year. And yet, here I am, only a few days away from one of the most important events of my life.
 
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