Escaping the status addictus...

McNutty

Active Member
I think it's awesome you are staying away from caffeine and processed sugars as well as porn. They all produce similar effects of increasing dopamine in the brain. I've been thinking about cutting them out as well but am worried about cutting too much out at once
100%. I decided to quit those stimulants after much deliberation with myself and tried to be careful about quitting too much dopaminergic activities all at once. I've tried that before and always suffer immensely because of this. I decided the more prudent thing is to wait a bit and then knock them down one by one like dominos. Gaining momentum by quitting porn has been more useful than all the previous times when I tried to quit them all at once.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 67 – No PMO:

Today is hands down the toughest day I’ve had to endure in many weeks. The urge would just not leave me alone. It’s persistent, loud and feels determined to get me to relapse. Today’s also the first time I’ve felt like I might really relapse on this journey. The only thing currently keeping me is the knowledge of how difficult things are when I actually do relapse. I went for a run twice today in an attempt to clear my head. I also tried to stay clear of any form of porn fishing that leads me down a nasty path. The thing is, I champion the philosophy that you shouldn’t fight the urge, because that would only make it stronger. But for this 67-day streak that I’m on, I always use healthy distractions to create a distance between myself and porn, so I can make a more informed decision. Taking a cold shower and going for 2 runs has helped me, but I still feel the porn monster is just waiting around the corner.

The constant porn flashbacks, the memories of the pleasure are all flooding my brain right now, as if porn is all pleasure and no pain. I forget the pain of losing my loved ones to my selfish indulgence, the pain of living with PIED, the pain of shame, regret, anger, lethargy, procrastination. All of those emotions I can rationally recall in my head, but they won’t fully come back unless I do fire up the browser and throw in the towel. I need to remember that there is only one way out of this hell, and it’s through. I need to be relentless in this battle. I can’t forget all the bad times when I’m addicted to porn. I can’t forget the pain and suffering it has caused me. Feeding this addiction will only create a bigger addiction.

I don’t believe that I will relapse tonight, but I have certainly come closer to that today than I have since I started on this streak. I found myself typing up a music video on YouTube. This particular music video doesn’t have explicit imagery and is not sexually charged, but in the past I used to listen to it as part of my pre-porn session ritual. When I started this streak, I vowed to never come close to anything that might act as a trigger for me, and this video is one of those things. Aside from that, I did not look or search anything that might jeopardize my streak and I am trying to be extra vigilant.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 1 – No PMO:
Mindfulness Meditation: Day 1 - 60 min

Unfortunately, I lost this battle last week. I could sit and moan and give excuses as to why I slipped, but none of that matters (although I will reflect on what I did wrong). What’s done is done. Right now, my focus is overcoming the chaser effect without falling into the dreadful abstinence-binge cycle that follows from every relapse. For the past few days, however, I fell full force into the grips of porn. I felt hopeless at times during the past few days. It felt as though all the strength I’ve been building up the past weeks has withered away with the continuous binging. Unfortunately, after a big relapse like this one, I usually slip into a horrendous binge phase, with small streaks here and there. This could last months. I don’t want the same pattern to repeat itself again. That’s why I’ve decided to throw everything I got at this one. I will meditate for one hour everyday to calm the monkey mind and manage my stress response better. For the next 90 days, I will meditate daily for 1 hour and work on avoiding triggers of all kinds.

I know from my last streak that time flies quickly. By the time I reach 90 days, I’ll be in a completely different mental state, provided I don’t relapse and continue meditating daily with no fail. I am not entirely sure why I relapsed last week, but I suspect it was a combination of failing to cope with the urges and complacency. It’s a shame that I am ending the year without the 80+ day streak I was aiming for. But I think this relapse revealed to me how going easy on my mindfulness practice will contribute to a faulty stress response. I will document my journey not only from porn, masturbation and orgasm on this thread – but also on my experience with meditating daily and overcoming the chaser effect. I’ve already done today’s mindfulness session in the morning and my mind is still in a calm state from that.

I relapsed last week because I got in the way. So it’s time to get back on my feet and be on the way again…
 
Last edited:

McNutty

Active Member
Day 0 - No PMO:
Mindfulness Meditation: Day 2 - 60 min

Unfortunately, I relapsed again today. I continue to binge despite resolving to not fall into it. The usual pattern repeating itself over and over again. I will continue to meditate everyday and start a fresh counter tomorrow. I am determined to get back on my feet as quickly as I can, but I have to say it is not easy at all. I hope my future self reads this when he wants to relapse after a good streak.

I forgive myself for what I have been doing since last week. But I will not forget the pain that I have willingly caused myself by throwing a good streak out the window. I need to hold myself accountable to my actions but I must also look into the future and how I’m gonna get myself out of this rut. I’m digging a hole that’s growing bigger every day. I really need to wake up now before it’s too late. Tomorrow I start a streak anew.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 0 - No PMO:

I have to swallow my pride and start over. I relapsed about a month ago after 67 days PMO free. I tried to get back on the horse, repeatedly, but to no avail. I am now starting again as I really need to get through this once and for all. For the next 90 days, this will be my soul focus. I will dedicate my life to get there and will stop at nothing until I'm completely free from this hell.

Today I mark the start of the second documentation of my journey. I expect things to get really bad before they improve. Partly because of how bad my addiction got, and partly due to my declining mental health and lessened capacity to deal with stress. But there is no other way but to go through this and face the darkest days of my life head on.

Here's to the next 100 days...
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 1 - No PMO:
Overall mental state: 4/10
Mood level: 3/10 (low)
Anxiety level: 7/10
Target: 28 May 2023

Today marks the start of the journey one more time. I have suffered long and hard enough from my vicious addiction to porn. I want to be free again. I want to move on with my life. Since I started this journal and relapsed on 15 December, I have been constantly stumbling for two whole months. Not being able to make it two weeks at a time. This addiction wants to take everything away from me and leave me lonely and worthless. I have already damaged so much more than I could possibly imagine. I have damaged my relationships, professional career growth, health, and my self-image. I am gutted that more than 5 months since starting this journal, I am still on day 1. There is nothing that can be done except go forward. Even if it pains and breaks me to pieces.

Sunday, 28 May 2023: This is my target. 100 days free from porn and masturbation. I will deploy every tool at my disposal to achieve this aim and rid myself of this addiction so that I leave this junk behind me once and for all. The journey is long but it must be made.

I am not feeling great today but there is a sense of hope I got from writing down on this journal. I have had crippling BDD attacks over the past few weeks and I expect it to return since I got off the porn again. Although I am feeling anxious right now, I don't feel particularly depressed but generally not feeling great either. The idea that I have to go through this journey again is daunting and creates a slight sense of despair within me. Despite that, I will keep pressing on so that my future self will not have to worry about porn again.

After my relapses, I was going through my earlier entries over the past few months and it appears that I was inconsistent with chronicling my mental health progress on the journey. This is why I have devised a simple tracker that will hopefully assist me in assessing my mental health improvement over the course of the journey. It is by no means an accurate assessment, but it is definitely better than not having anything.

The system is called the DOMAT tracker:
D = Day (what day of the journey am I on).
O = Overall mental state (a self assessment of how I'm feeling mentally today).
M = Mood level (How is my mood today). Although it appears similar to the overall mental state tracker, they differ in that I could be feeling well mentally (e.g. no BDD symptoms, at peace, etc.) but still have a dip in my mood at some parts throughout the day.
A = Anxiety level (How anxious am I feeling). My anxiety levels usually go down in proportion to how far I am along the journey. It would be helpful for me to track that as well.
T = Target (Objective I aim to reach). It's always good to remind myself daily of my objective. Seeing a specific day in front of me might be more helpful than just a number (e.g. 90 days), because it just feels more personal.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 0:

I just came out of a relapse once again. Scrolling through my earlier entries from last year, especially the ones after the 50-day mark made me realise what I missed out on. I was going on an upward trajectory, then on the fateful day in mid-December I threw it all away. Just like that, I've lost almost 3 months of progress trying to get back on the horse. I'm not really beating myself up over what's gone. I just want to use this as a reminder not to let my guard down, not even for one second, otherwise I might suffer as I am now. Alas, wallowing in self pity has never helped me, so I am here to strap up and embark on another one.

My self-esteem is now at an all-time low. I am getting some very dark thoughts constantly. I am stuck in my head and just want to feel better again. I feel like I lost control completely of myself, and indulge in PMO whenever I get the opportunity. I'm going to start journaling again as I have been doing when I first started this thread. I not only want to beat this addiction, but also track how my mental health is changing with it. I believe this time is the one. But in all honesty, I don't care whether I believe it or not, all I know is that I will fight harder than I've ever fought for something in my life.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey @Sir_Cooms, I understand that this can feel so very bad, but at the same time, you need to know you're not at day one again, at least not in a real sense. What you've done once, you CAN do again.

You're absolutely right, we can never be complacent, that is one of the greatest lessons we can ever learn. I use to get down about this fact, like somehow it was a burden or something, but now, I think it's great. Because once you embrace this fact, you can start to embrace never returning to this nonsense again. Thus, your self-esteem will begin to grow.

Rise up again, and get moving.

You can do this.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 1 - No PMO:

Today the journey officially kicks off. I'm excited for what's to come and I'm mentally prepared for some very difficult days. I just want to get this first period over with. I have not been myself lately. I think the relapse I had in December really messed with me, even though I told myself that all is behind me. I think part of me still feels let down, while another knows that the only way out is through - no matter what happens in the past.

I'm following more or less the same recipe as I did for the last streak. And it's basically to journal everyday, exercise (especially when I get urges) and continue building up my resilience when it comes to handling urges. Looking back at my journals, I seem to have faced off some difficult urges, especially in the beginning. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that exercise helps calm the urges, but I think I get demotivated whenever the urges return again after I'm done with an exercise. I believe the purposes of exercise, just like mindfulness meditation, is not to eliminate urges completely, but just to create enough of a distance between yourself and the urge, that it becomes easier to conquer.

In terms of how I feel, pretty low is best how I'd describe it. Forgiving myself for past mistakes is a journey in itself. I don't think just stating that 'I forgive myself' is enough when my actions convey otherwise. This is not just a journey away from porn, it's a journey of healing as a person.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Hey @Sir_Cooms, I understand that this can feel so very bad, but at the same time, you need to know you're not at day one again, at least not in a real sense. What you've done once, you CAN do again.

You're absolutely right, we can never be complacent, that is one of the greatest lessons we can ever learn. I use to get down about this fact, like somehow it was a burden or something, but now, I think it's great. Because once you embrace this fact, you can start to embrace never returning to this nonsense again. Thus, your self-esteem will begin to grow.

Rise up again, and get moving.

You can do this.
Thanks Blondie, good to hear from you again.

I completely agree. In a way, I 'needed' to make this journey with relapsing and stumbling since the start of the year 3 months ago. Partly because I now feel the urgency of having to leave porn behind me more intensely now (because time is running fast), and partly because I need this experience to learn to forgive myself. I'm definitely going to be more vigilant now and guard my streaks with more force.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 2 - No PMO:

The day's only just starting here but I feel like I want to get a few things off my chest. I wake up anxious in the morning and spend the whole day working my day job. At night I have an hour or so to myself which I try to spend with my partner. There is a lot of stress going on in my life right now and I'm finding it difficult to cope. The more I try to get work done, the more work is dumped on me. When I'm porn free for a while, I feel that I am more resilient and make sharper decisions. I don't know why that is, but I feel like there're big decisions in my life that I need to make to turn my life around. I feel that I am at a crossroads, and I must make big decisions or risk a life of mediocrity.

It's no secret that nothing has had a more negative impact on my life than my aggressive PMO addiction. It's why I'm here journaling. I mentioned in previous entries I believe that all of the big problems in my life can easily be traced back to my addiction. It's not an exaggeration at all. Low grades at school? Spent my days jerking off. Low sex drive? Porn and excessive masturbation. Stuck at a dead-end job sucking my life away? PMO stripped me of my drive and passion. I must reclaim back myself and I know that it's going to probably take a long time to fully reboot and rewire. But as long as I am walking the path, I will continue feeling better.

Edit (I typed this out yesterday evening): The day started off alright. I’m feeling quite low but I have work I have to get done so I decided to suck it up and just get it over with. Unfortunately as the day passed I started feeling worse and worse, until eventually I called my boss and apologised from working. I decided to go home and rest up, but then I realised if I got home in the early afternoon then I will be home alone. Massive trigger. Massive mistake. Before I got home I was contemplating what videos I'm going to relapse to and how I can ‘get the most out of this session’ and start fresh tomorrow. I started white-knuckling my commute back home. Although I was almost determined to relapse at this point, I suddenly realised that I’ll just end up doing the same thing over and over again for the rest of my life. I can’t keep going like this. I got home and decided to journal, do some push ups, and go for a run at the gym to tire myself out. I followed a ‘relapse prevention routine’ that I created some time ago (it involves a few minutes of urge-surfing meditation, push ups, HIIT, journaling and jogging). It worked enough to get me through the trigger of being home alone and thankfully I did not end up relapsing. I’m not gonna lie, the idea that I have to do this every time I get one of those urges is filling me with dread. The other alternative would be to succumb to my urges. I understand though that I have to pay the price of years of porn abuse...
 
Last edited:

McNutty

Active Member
Day 3 - No PMO:

Thank God it's Saturday. I was beginning to crack from the amount of stress I'm subjected to at work. The abstinence-relapse cycle I've been caught in for over a decade is certainly not helping me right now. I came to the conclusion that at any given point in the year, I am actively in the early stages of withdrawal from porn. That's because I would only make it for a few weeks and then relapse again, only to start actively trying to quit the following day. This is why all the symptoms associated with withdrawal from substance/behavioural addictions carry with me. I can't recall the last time I haven't felt uneasy...almost like something is missing. I'm guessing the culprit is probably the extreme oscillating between dopamine flooding (from supernormal stimuli) from excessive porn and masturbation, and dopamine starvation (going porn-free). The only real time I start to feel more 'calm' is when I have a healthy streak.

Today was not as difficult as I expected it to be. I currently have some urges to deal with as I'm home alone again and it's a massive trigger. I decided to do some push ups and go for a quick run to calm down the urges a bit. I'll come back home, shower, and hit the hay immediately. Hopefully that will be enough to control the urges tonight.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 4 - No PMO:

The urges got intense yesterday after I typed out the entry for day 3. I decided to act out a particular fetish of mine cause I was home alone. It's a 'harmless' fetish in the sense that no other people are involved, but I know I still cheated on my partner in a way as I know what she feels about my porn use. I didn't confess anything to my partner yesterday because I didn't end up doing anything! The urges got really intense so I decided to do some body-scan meditation to observe the urge and watch it subside. It worked and by the time 10 minutes of body-scan 'urge-surfing' was up, I got in my running clothes and went out for a run. I jogged for a good 30 minutes, coupled with brisk walking and went back home. The urge was completely gone by then, so I showered and waited on my partner to come home.

Today, the urges came back again during the day. I am typing this entry as I am feeling my heart beating fast and my mind racing with thoughts. I'll probably do some urge surfing after I'm done with this journal and see if I should go to the gym for some exercise. The road is long but I will not back down now. Also, time flies faster than I could imagine, I just have to remember that in the heat of the moment.
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 5 - No PMO:

Today I woke up with bad anxiety. I didn't have a panic attack or anything, but I was feeling very anxious. In my head I catastrophise everything wrong that happens at work. Work was piling up towards the end of last week, and I woke up feeling like 'the next mess up' or piece of work that I miss will get me fired. I'm doing the best I can, but I'm in a working environment that always requires more from you.

In terms of urges, I'm happily hanging in there. Taking it one day at a time. Yesterday, the urges increased in intensity in the evening, but a combination of urge surfing and exercise kept it at bay. Today the weather was nice so I went out for a jog around the neighbourhood. I'm back home now getting ready to do some work. The anxiety I woke up with in the morning has gone down a bit and I already feel slightly better. Despite that, I expect the next few weeks to be tough as hell...
 
Top