The future will be bright

[strongfuture89]

Day 27
Feeling amazing. Got much work to do, always busy and feeling very energetic actually. Still doing no P, no M. This weekend I had PIV with my partner. I could feel a stronger erection and in the beginning I thought "oh god, I hope I won´t have PIED now". Then I told myself "that´s not me, I am clean of P, I am not someone with PIED". I kept my erection for a long time and switched to no-piv for other reasons than pied (which used to be the reason to stop piv in the past). It was amazing feeling a lot healthier in that area. I could have o´d but gf is not on birth control haha.
It´s really making a huge difference! No P, no P subs, no M! When I notice sexy things on tv or magazines, I even look away just to keep my head away from dopamine bursts and it makes life so much more enjoyable! Feeling dopamine from small things!

 

[strongfuture89]

Day 28
I still notice when there are opportunities to relapse, like a small alarm clock telling me it´s possible. But my mind is much stronger than the urges now and I just laugh at the small alarm telling it to just give up. I won´t relapse. In the past, my mind ruled me, now I rule my mind. I feel so much more in control with my mind and my actions. I can control my future now, decide what to do and at what time.
It is liberating to feel that. It´s not even about my girlfriend or anyone else now. When the urges die off and you start to feel better: you do this reboot to make yourself stronger, healthier and in control of the situations around you.
Sending love to all of you! Let´s heal and grow each day!

 

[strongfuture89]

Day 29
It feels like me having control over my mind is becoming a habit. The urges are getting smaller and smaller. It´s really a choice I make each day. Whenever I think about a trigger or see a trigger somewhere, I bring my mind to other thoughts.
I read about the big X strategy some time ago. When you think about a trigger, you imagine a giant cross slammed on it. What I do to add to that effect, is that I then let the image drop down to the ground like a wall tripping over (not in my direction, but away from me) still with the cross on it. Then I let the image sink into the ground until it is buried. I then focus on the world above, on the living world and enjoy it.
I hope that can help others, as it really crushed triggers for me. Cross, then bam to the ground, and pushed in the earth like it´s a dead useless thing.
Peace to you all, brothers! Each day here is a day in the right direction to a happy, strong future!

 

[strongfuture89]

Day 30
Still going strong, it feels more like a steady train now. The first 2-3 weeks were a rocky ride, but now I feel emotionally more stable. I´m also more interested in new opportunities at work and looking for challenges instead of lazy comfort. I think some new (but healthy) challenges in life will be a good thing.

 

[strongfuture89]

Day 33
Still doing good on the reboot. Two weeks ago, sex was amazing. Yesterday we tried something new but as I was struggling a bit, some PIED was kicking in multiple times.
The painful part was that my gf wasn´t comforting. A simple ´well better luck next time´ would have helped, no, she reacted with ´it may be a dumb thing to say, but I will have to change my expectations´. For me that just means she thought she had a perfect/good boyfriend but now it seems I´m not as good as expected. It hurts and I was busy staying constructive. I explained it was the fact I´m still learning the new things, she reacts saying she had done it a lot in the past (as if that is in any way comforting or attractive...).
It gave me the idea she was measuring me to guys from p videos. She also asked me before sex if I wanted to ´watch something´ before. I refused completely, I´m not watching toxic p before sex, wtf! (We told each other in the past that we watch p sometimes and she once heard from a friend whose bf needs to watch p while having sex. So maybe she thought that would help me.) At this point I feel myself a bit on the other side of the story, like I´m dealing with a partner with p-induced expectations.
Sorry for the sad story today, guys. I need to vent this because negative emotions can pull you away from the right path and that´s not what I intented.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Yesterday we tried something new but as I was struggling a bit, some PIED was kicking in multiple times.

Try not to focus too much on the PIED, try to stay in your body and not in your head, just shake it off and stay confident.

At this point I feel myself a bit on the other side of the story, like I´m dealing with a partner with p-induced expectations.

Sadly this is becoming more and more common, especially for younger woman, it's not only the expectation of how men 'should' be (I call bullshite on that), but how they perceive themselves and they expectation of how they are supposed to be.....hope that makes sense.

 

[strongfuture89]

Thank you, @Beautiful1973 :
We´ve had a long talk yesterday. She wasn´t aware how her words triggered me and made me experience the sad times when I was dealing with strong PIED with my ex. My gf has been very comforting yesterday. She doesn´t know I had p addiction or that I am here on rebootnation. It was liberating that I could tell her yesterday that I´m against p and that I feel stupid about how I watched it in the past. (In the beginning of the relationship, I once showed her some high-intensity videos and it made her a bit uneasy. Also, she found out I was having a p blog in secret and chatted to fake girl profiles. So she´s afraid I have p expectations, too, she told me yesterday.) I told her that it is now completely in the past, that I promise her it will never happen again. She really loved hearing that I only needed her, no p involved. She had been so kind to ask if I wanted p in the background while sex, but I said with complete confidence that I don´t want something so toxic and unnatural in our love life. She seemed so relieved.
One step closer to a happy relationship, right?

 

[strongfuture89]

Day 35
A month clean and putting much focus on improving my life. I listen to motivational music but I also want to avoid going overboard in that new direction. I´ve heard people going into burnout or losing connection with family and friends because of ´grinding´ culture. I feel like the self-improvement world is pushing people a bit in that direction and I´m not certain if that is still healthy. Like Jordan Peterson, who has some amazing advice about many topics, ...but also tells everyone that working 14 hours a day is the way to go. I´m not so certain stopping p and then diving headfirst in a job working 14 hours a day will make me happier than I was three months ago on pmo.
I´ve gotten a job offer to earn more but work a lot harder. The ´new me´ wants to go for that challenge, but maybe that is not exactly what I need right now...
I still have some flashes and today I took a little look at some social media that I used for pmo in the past, just some minutes. It quickly confirmed to me that I don´t need it in the future. Maybe it was a bit ´against the rules´ but it is not relapsing, it was just a bit curious and done. It helps me to see that it doesn´t have any value psychologically anymore.

 

[strongfuture89]

Day 36
Having some more stressful days and I can feel my mind begging for pmo to numb the emotions. It´s what I used to do in the past. Numb my mind like a drug addict would do, pulling myself away from reality. But it won´t solve problems, it will only make things worse in the future. It´s about changing my reality, not about numbing my mind until I don´t see the stressful situations anymore.
It is at these moments that I notice how brave you all are. When you stop running and look your problems right in the eye. Stepping out of that comfort zone, to stand in the rain when the storm hits you, to say "I live now and it happens today". When the inner voices of your own mind are against you, telling you to run back to your comfort bubble in isolation. No, not anymore, now we stand strong, together. Some days will be rainy, some will be sunny. I can give you an umbrella and stand next to you, for we all have rainy days, best we do is share them with others.

 

[strongfuture89]

Day 38
Still on the right path. My mind is still nagging and asking for pmo. If my mind were a person, it would be five year old going "can we have candy, please, can we...omg can we have candy???". It is frustrating to keep saying no but it is the only way to make him shut up haha.
Almost weekend, where I should have less triggers and some good sleep, will do me so good.
Let´s keep going, people, and tell that five year old in your head to stop crying for candy!

 

[strongfuture89]

Day 41
Damn man, it´s still difficult tbh. I can say no to P easily, but the craving for P-subs is more difficult. I have to force myself to log in on rebootnation and not go down the wrong path by willpower now. Up till now, it is working... I hope this will get better though.
Tomorrow I will reach day 42, or 6 weeks! I think I need some more focus on close achievements. The two-weeks milestone was difficult for me, six weeks seems difficult too. Going to give myself a trophy for every week! (I saw someone do this for each day and liked the idea.) Setting my goal at 12 weeks (84 days), then a countdown to 90 days each day I think.

No PMO weeks:

 

[strongfuture89]

Day 42
I´m getting there! I reached 6 weeks.
The cravings are not so much lust-driven, I think, it´s more about the amount of stress I feel and how much I want to calm it down with useless coping skills that I´ve used for years. Today I´m feeling quite good and the cravings are weaker.
Opening another box, bang, another trophee!

No PMO weeks:

 

[strongfuture89]

Day 43
The cravings are still haunting me like demons. It fluctuates a lot and happens when I have a combination of stress and boredom. It sounds ironic, being bored while being stressed and having to do so many things. It´s when the different tasks are stacking up so high that I feel lost in work, I come to a halt, procrastinating, like I want to throw the towel in the ring. When the walls are small or medium, I can jump over them and get a good reward. But when the wall is too big, it looks tempting to just sit down.
I will need to clear my head, do some meditation and write down all the chores and ideas that flock my mind, to get them out of my head and on list. I hope that will help.

 

[strongfuture89]

Day 49
Here we are again, one week further! There have been temptations but I´ve also watched some more videos about meditation, gaining control over temptations and figuring out the reason why people fall into addictions.
While working on the good habits, it looks important to also treat the underlying problems, like stress, loneliness, old trauma / anxiety,...

This weekend I will be alone at home, my girlfriend while be out of town. I´m a bit scared, honestly. Since starting the reboot seven weeks ago, I´ve never been alone at night, only by day. I think I will need to make a plan, things I want to do in that time. I need to think about things I want to do, not the things I don´t want to do (=pmo). I will do meditation and yoga each day as well as some workouts at home. I´ve heard in a youtube video that old habits die off after 66 days, so I´m almost there, that little extra milestone.

No PMO weeks:

 

[strongfuture89]

Day 50
I just went to my secret instagram account that I used for pmo in the past. I tried to stay focused mentally and was browsing through the list of everyone I followed, asking myself if any of those accounts made my life really happier. When I reached the end, I went to the setting and deleted the account. Two months ago I would have called myself crazy for losing that account, but I know that it needs to happen. I hope that it will be deleted from the server for good, to give closure in my head.
The upcoming weekend will be difficult, so deleting that account now is a small victory I need and another risk factor being destroyed.
I have to keep that streak going, I´ve put too much effort in it! When I think about the shame of losing my 50 days streak, the urges get tackled so much, it keeps me on the good side.

 

[strongfuture89]

Update three hours later:
I´m really happy I deleted that account. The first hour I starting feeling some light panic. I think it feels the same as a smoker throwing away his stuff or a drug addict being locked in a room knowing he won´t be able to consume anymore. Now I´m starting to find peace in that decision. One little step closer to complete healing.

 

[CB]

Very well put! Just keep your eyes on the price and don’t give in to that easy way out.
I like to remind myself about that if I’d take a slip and pmo again, it’s never worth all those bad withdrawals again.
Just like you say, most of us use this as a band-aid to get rid of anxiety or depression or other uncomfortable stuff..
It gets easier to deal with in the long run, we can never be without anxiety or uncomfortable feelings, but we can learn to live with them instead of putting them under that boiling pmo lid.

Have a great friday and stay pmo free, you’re doing great!

 

[strongfuture89]

Day 52
Thank you, @CB ! The home alone weekend has started and for the moment I can control my urges. The last days I´ve been giving motivational speeches to myself in my head and for the moment that seems to work.

I can see our inner thoughts portrayed as two men standing face to face. One, called pmo, punches the other in the face. The other one takes the punch, but just keeps staring back. Annoyed, the first one punches him twice: "Give in, like you did before." But the other one just smiles and shakes his head. The first one goes furious and lands three punches on the other´s chin: "Why won´t you...?!" The other one stares deeply into his eyes: "Because I know your tricks, I know you´ll try to get me down. But with every punch you gave me, I grew stronger. And you want to know why I´m smiling? Because comfort never made a man stronger, pain does!"

 

[CB]

How is it going?

Hope all is well!

 

[strongfuture89]

Hey, @CB I had a relapse being alone at home. But I´m slowly working on rebuilding good habits and restarting again here.
I hope to be active again here each day.