Back and in the saddle again

CB

Active Member
Warning triggers!

39 years old, been watching porn since 15 years of age.
At my worst I would PMO 10 times + once in a while but a standard of 3 times a day.
Went to sexchats and fetish after fetish built as I was spiraling down the endless addiction trail.. The PMO 3 times a day has been pretty much going on since 20 years old, almost for 20 years now. And the sexchat started 4-5 years ago. That’s when I found out, if I don’t stop I will be running to prostitutes in the future.. as this addiction progress.. Transsexual and sissy porn was the latest fetishes I started to watch 4-6 years ago.
I don’t want to feel the shame anymore and being in a relationship where we have gone sexless for more than a year now. I want to sort it out now and get back a healthy intimate sexlife with my gf whom I love very much. She knows about my struggle and want to help. I just feel awful about all this that’s been going on behind her back..
I want to get back up and feel like I’m not living a lie anymore.


I’m back here to look in once in a while and give some updates on my progress. I’ve been without pmo for 33 days. I’m in so called semi monk mode, I sort out the MO like a couple times a week. I feel this works best for me, cutting down each week. As long as I don’t watch porn… I know this will probably take years, but staying sober is about healing for the rest of my life.
I’ve been experiencing some really bad anxiety this week, I feel nauseous on and off, as soon as I focus away on something or feel calm it goes away. It’s been like this nervous feeling in my body on and off really bad throughout the days.. But I get inside my head really easy and there it is again, feeling so nauseous I want to vomit sometimes. Also I feel the lightheadedness and slightly dizzy, bad sleep too.
I guess this is part of withdrawals from my brain being used to getting those overloads of dopamine from the kicks of porn and chatting.

Right now I don’t feel like going back to pmo at all, but I get flashes a lot. Memories playing through my head like a slide show kind of.
Feels good to write a little..
 

strongfuture89

Active Member
Doing great, man! Going from those fetishes to completely zero is difficult in the beginning, but it is so worth it! (I slowed down in steps, but what you are doing is awesome!)
The anxiety will get better. Lightheadedness could be from chronic hyperventilation, so you could try breathing exercises like box breathing. The strongest method imo is Wim Hof breathing and it really helped me become better mentally.
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Stay strong. 33 days is an incredible achievement with where you've come from. I've experienced the same symptoms in my recovery at this stage. After about two months it gets much better on many days. Devote your extra time (the time you're not wasting on P) on the good things in your life - your gf, maybe a hobby or passion you've wanted to spend more time on? The more we can create positive rewards for ourselves the better I think...
 

CB

Active Member
Thanks guys for the encouraging replies!
Hanging on right now
Yeah, I hope the fetishes will be gone in the future.. It’s scary to take a step outside oneself and look at what pmo is doing to us.
I’m glad I haven’t done anything illegal, but imagine 20 years from now if it just goes on.
That scares hell out of me..
It ends right now, it’s not worth going through these bad withdrawals ever again.

Day 35
The nausea has gone but I woke up feeling frustrated and irritated. But I will do my best and try to keep calm and get this frustration off my back with a walk outside.

We went for a walk and cooked dinner and its been good, another day in the books soon.
I’m trying my best for all the anxiety and difficult feelings to just be there and not to escape them.
 
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CB

Active Member
42 days

The nausea and anxiety comes and goes, but not as hard as a week ago. I feel like I’m doing progress, flashes comes every now and then for me to fight off. Social media isn’t as much fun anymore, limited it as much as I can. It’s a horrible sexist empire the instagram app, but also youtube has gone crazy with popping up videos and shorts of girls with barely any clothes on.
Internet has gone mad these days, heck ..world’s gone mad too.

But at least I’m not watching any p or doing pmo or sex chatting with strangers..
Time for me to leave thay behind.
Funny thing is my appetite for coffee has gone through the roof as I quit pmo, my brain needs the kicks it can find and coffee will do for now. :)
Hope you guys are enjoying your cup of coffee or tea this morning and stay on course for a pmo free life.
 

CB

Active Member
46 days

Been having loads of flashes and had a trigger when watching youtube today. I was tempted to look up a certain actress for pics, but I let it go and just stopped my compulsion.
Anxiety has also been really high, feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. Hanging in there, self medicating has really built a monster of anxiety.

Tryimg to stay strong, but it gets hard. But I know my feeling right now is that I’ll not go back to pmo and going through these bad withdrawals again.. ever. Feels good that I’m feeling like that at least.
 
Nice! And I don't mean it's nice that you feel the anxiety, but it's nice to see how strong you are! Everytime you resist pmo it takes strength and everytime you do that, you overcome a hurdle. You just did that today again!
Keep hanging in there. You know where you've been and what you're aiming at.
 

CB

Active Member
Nice! And I don't mean it's nice that you feel the anxiety, but it's nice to see how strong you are! Everytime you resist pmo it takes strength and everytime you do that, you overcome a hurdle. You just did that today again!
Keep hanging in there. You know where you've been and what you're aiming at.
Thanks a lot! Yeah it’s the most difficult addiction to beat in my life I think, tobacco was nothing compared to this. But I was a mess when I quit it 10 years ago too lol.

50 days has gone, I have vivid dreams of pmo and wake up with wood. I get some pretty intense anxiety if I start to fantasize about things I’ve seen..
I still got massive cravings for sex chatting and I worry I have destroyed my sexuality with my gf forever after all these years of progressing fetishes..

I know I just need time away from it and never do it again. It’s hard, but it is definitely achievable. And I’m 50 days in right now.. I’ll keep pushing on.
 

strongfuture89

Active Member
The fetishes will definitely become smaller and much easier to control. I´ve watched the same genre as what you mentioned in your first post. After 2-3 months of not watching those, I felt very immune and the dreams and flashbacks started to leave. Given that you are at 50 days now, I think the urges now are just near-death struggles of those fetishes before they are completely starved and die off permanently. And once those are over, it will be much easier to rebuild the connection with your gf. You´re doing amazing!!
 

CB

Active Member
The fetishes will definitely become smaller and much easier to control. I´ve watched the same genre as what you mentioned in your first post. After 2-3 months of not watching those, I felt very immune and the dreams and flashbacks started to leave. Given that you are at 50 days now, I think the urges now are just near-death struggles of those fetishes before they are completely starved and die off permanently. And once those are over, it will be much easier to rebuild the connection with your gf. You´re doing amazing!!
52 days

Thanks man, really need to hear that right now. Really appreciate the encouragment. Yeah I’ve had dreams involving sex for three nights straight. I remember quitting tobacco, I got dreams of smoking.. The brain is craving what is taken away from it. It is really scary how deep this addiction goes and roots it self in our minds. I truly must say that right now I feel like I don’t ever want to be part of it anymore. I didn’t feel like this when quitting before, I just had it with being disgusted about my behaviour and I don’t want to feel like I live a lie, and that shame anymore.
Another day in the books living without pmo.
 

CB

Active Member
Day 57

I has been a week of ups and downs, many triggers with flashes of things I’ve watched and people I’ve chatted with through sex chats. The dreams about sex and pmo come and go also.. I feel like I’m pretty empty right now. It’s probably normal when quitting like this, some sort of emotional flatlining.
I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and all these years I’ve been self medicating myself with this destructive behaviour of pmo and sexchats.
It’s a tough thing finding out that I’ve been using it as a crutch almost my whole life, but that I need to substitute it for something more healthy.

I’m pushing on, feels good to not living a lie anymore.
 
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CB

Active Member
It’s day 66


Have been getting a lot of triggers and fantasizing. Hve been getting really bad cravings last night to watch some nudity. But I haven’t done it, I found myself about to go on google but stopped myself from it. What I have learned is that if I mo in the shower or whatever, the cravings gets more difficult to handle. So definitely taking some time away from mo twice a week that I have been allowing myself to. Have not been watching any p at all, and that feels really good.

staying strong
 

CB

Active Member
80 days has gone now, and I have bern dealing with some triggers from seeing clips or pictures of instagram. I can’t even watch it when friends are showing stuff, I’ll straight away get in the mood to get in on my instagram account and watch girls..
No pmo though, but I try to stay clear as much as I can from any sexual content what so ever, even if it is just a picture of a girl in bikini on instagram.
In a couple of months or so I hope I won’t be getting these cravings anymore like I still do now.
I will also limit my alcohol use, because it feeds into my cravings and anxiety just getting worse.
It is a frightening thought to stop drinking on the weekends, but I’ll have to take some time away from it too.
 

CB

Active Member
91 days without pmo right now, I want to ser these 90 days as just a spring board. I know I have fallen badly before into long binges of pmo.. I never want to suffer from those bad withdrawals again.

Pushing on for 100
 

CB

Active Member
97 days

It feels easier to stay away from pmo and triggers are not that bad right now. I’m aware there is always traps around the corner, so I don’t want to fall back down. Feels good having a clean conciense, but I still feel great shame and feel bad about how I have acted on my way down the pmo spiral.

I realize how much it is avout just getting that kick when you don’t care about if it is a girl or man behind that anonymous chatting account. And what if they were underage and saying they were older than they were?
Man.. the shame is so big..
I used to go to anonymous adult chats a lot, for hours on end..
I never want to be in such a place ever again, there is really some crazy people on there. And I could see how fast me myself was falling down that fetish road too, it didn’t matter anymore, just if I got that kick from the pmo.
I got me eyes on a pmo free future, and I feel like my romance with pmo is going to end.
 

CB

Active Member
102 days has now gone

It is easier to control triggers and I can say that feeling of missing my pmo bubble is fading a little. It feels good to know that I can go without it now.
But it is has been extremely tough, and still really tough at times.. insomnia and depression hit me hard these last weeks.
It’s really scary how addictive and negative that shit is…
 

CB

Active Member
106 days

I’ve been thinking a lot where my behavior stem from lately, I figured I’ll have to go to the bottom within my mind and try to remember what could have led me to become a porn addict/sex addict..
I remember when I was about 6-7 years old I had this neigh our girl about a year older than me. And she wanted me to follow her into the woods, I remember that I was following her , eitherway she told me we are going to play a game of mom and dad.. And she wanted to show hers if I show mine. And she told me that I could put my penis inside hers and so we had sex, I don’t want to call it sex but yeah..
And eventually this happened a plenty of times, and told me one day she wanted me to get inside her bum too.
”This is how mom and dad do it”

I remember when I got into my teens, I was feeling really depressed about these ”encounters”, and I was filled with shame about it for years..
But as time went I realized we were just kids exploring ourseleves.
And this maybe explains my anal fetish that’s always been with me, feels kind of absurd thinking about it like that but I think this is were my addiction started..
I don’t want to know what happened to that girl if she knew so much about ”how the adults do it”.
I can only speculate, maybe some sort of trauma happened to her.. I hope not, but I can’t see why someone that age would know so much about sex.
It feels like she asked me to ”go to the woods” a lot, until I remember someday I started asking her about it.

Well there it is.. What I’d maybe recall as the start of it all.
I realize there is probably some trauma emotional, sexual or attachmental that could be a start of this addiction.
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Man, that is a tough story. I am convinced it led directly to your addiction. That is a very natural progression for experiencing that kind of trauma. Most likely she was experiencing abuse of some sort...
 
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CB

Active Member
116 days

I realize since I quit I have been getting depressed, but I have sought help at my gp, so that feels good at least.
Just thinking about it all now gives me a really bad concience, how I would sneak behind my partners back with pmo and chatting to both men and women.
i questioned my preferences because of trans and sissy chats. Now I realize it has just been a new type of kick for my brain to get off on.

Feels great when I start to crave my partners intimacy again, but it takes time. Now I’m in a flatline, feeling like I avoid sex with my partner so I can avoid the performance anxiety and intimacy issues.
This is something I will have to work on to get back on track with a healthy mindset about what sex and intimacy is.
Instead of just jumping to bed and orgasm and it’s done, it’s not all about that orgasm that I noticed a lot of us having this addiction think.

I’m happy to read a lot of your journals on here, it gives a great deal of inspiration and hope.
 
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CB

Active Member
121 days

Yesterday and today I have been having fantasies a lot. Got the cravings of hoing in and just have a look at some pics, I stopped myself. But today it has been awfully bad, slept bad and got a headache making me weakened to give in to my old ways..

Will try and stay focused and do something that makes me stay busy.
 
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