39, PIED, Gay. Finding it tough to be in gay social settings when porn is everywhere.

[8eight8]

I’ve had to completely remove connections on social media or remove myself from some social media platforms altogether. No dating apps as it’s all mostly half-naked dudes. I‘m an avid road cyclist and had to unfollow many of my favorite cycling brands since the dudes are all in revealing clothes and that is a kink of mine even though the images are seemingly innocent. This is tough!

LGBTQ culture has a ton of porn/porn-like material just everywhere, in clubs, posters, social media. It’s tough to remove it all without just going radio silent. Has anybody else in similar situation been successful blocking porn-ish materials without just becoming a social hermit? I still want to see my friends and be part of their lives but also want my PIED to be fixed!

 

[Simon2]

Hey, welcome. I don't have much time tonight, but I will just say this: we shouldn't shun the real world, especially healthy friendships. We need to find ways to deal with the triggers it brings. I hear a lot of guys talking about the two second rule. Look for two seconds and then let it go very consciously and look away.

The internet on the other hand... Yeah, we may have to hit pause for a while and carefully consider which places we can handle safely. I think the limits are probably different for everyone...

You're on the right path!

 

[8eight8]

Hey, welcome. I don't have much time tonight, but I will just say this: we shouldn't shun the real world, especially healthy friendships. We need to find ways to deal with the triggers it brings. I hear a lot of guys talking about the two second rule. Look for two seconds and then let it go very consciously and look away.

The internet on the other hand... Yeah, we may have to hit pause for a while and carefully consider which places we can handle safely. I think the limits are probably different for everyone...

You're on the right path!

Thanks Simon, and thank you for the advice! I agree that it’s about optimizing what’s healthy, at this point losing my social group in the process isn’t healthy. I like the 2 second rule, I’ll give that a shot! I can’t buffer myself all the time everywhere, it's simply impossible. I can control my behaviors though which include my length of time looking and whether I think about it after and beat off.

 

[8eight8]

Day 5

Removed all social media except for instagram and Facebook, both of which I heavily pared down to prevent viewing of any P-Subs. Seem to have been pretty successful much to my surprise! Not going on any of the fetish sites I used to all day, not searching for porn. Haven’t jerked off in five days which is probably a record since I learned how to jerk off, LOL

Feeling lethargic but motivated. I did catch a glimpse of a dude yesterday that sent be briefly down a rabbit hole mentally but I snapped out of it and moved on, which was cool to see I had that willpower. Excited to continue down this journey.

 

[8eight8]

Day 6

Still no porn or porn-subs. If I come across a rare porn-sub I quickly look away or scroll away.

Yesterday I found an article on mindful masturbation and decided to give that a shot, so I ran a bath (haven’t taken a bath in 30 years) and tried it. Much to my surprise I was able to get erect and go to completion without thinking of porn or fantasizing, stayed completely in the moment focused on the sensations. I thought that was promising!

Also something that I’ve noticed, I’m prone to looking at myself a little more in the mirror when I get out of the shower now. I’m not sure if this is good or bad, could this be considered a porn-sub since I’m into dudes and I am a dude? Another fun little wrinkle on this journey.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @8eight8, welcome to the forum.

Looks like you've been getting some good advice.

I’m not sure if this is good or bad, could this be considered a porn-sub since I’m into dudes and I am a dude? Another fun little wrinkle on this journey.

lol this made my laugh, not at you, just because I've never thought about it quite like that before. I don't think you have to worry about that. Hell, I've been working out and I do that too, I'm like "Oh yeah, I still got it!" Let's just make sure we don't turn into Narcissus from the Greek myths, that's all.

Keep going man, you're doing great. Yes, the world is full of porn-like material everywhere, so I definitely agree with @SimonM, it's not something you can hide from. Life is not about hiding, although social media does really cause some problems at first. Thus, we do what we can do, the two second rule is great, and trying not to let our thoughts run wild about people we see and are attracted to, and most importantly, learn to be in control of our world and not the other way around.

It's a real personal journey, in the best sense of the term

Best to you.

 

[8eight8]

Hey @8eight8, welcome to the forum.

Looks like you've been getting some good advice.

lol this made my laugh, not at you, just because I've never thought about it quite like that before. I don't think you have to worry about that. Hell, I've been working out and I do that too, I'm like "Oh yeah, I still got it!" Let's just make sure we don't turn into Narcissus from the Greek myths, that's all.

Keep going man, you're doing great. Yes, the world is full of porn-like material everywhere, so I definitely agree with @SimonM, it's not something you can hide from. Life is not about hiding, although social media does really cause some problems at first. Thus, we do what we can do, the two second rule is great, and trying not to let our thoughts run wild about people we see and are attracted to, and most importantly, learn to be in control of our world and not the other way around.

It's a real personal journey, in the best sense of the term

Best to you.

Thanks Blondie for the words of encouragement!

From another angle maybe, I workout a lot too but never felt that attractive. Maybe it was due to subconsciously comparing myself to guys I was bombarded with every day? Perhaps this might be a healthy side effect of cutting out porn; more confidence in my own appearance? Just so long as it doesn’t travel into narcissism, LOL.

 

[Blondie]

Maybe it was due to subconsciously comparing myself to guys I was bombarded with every day? Perhaps this might be a healthy side effect of cutting out porn; more confidence in my own appearance?

lol yes, this is a great benefit of not looking at porn. I wrote a post about this very thing not too long ago. It was about dick sizes and how porn... well let's just says it's not exactly realistic

Best!

 

[8eight8]

lol yes, this is a great benefit of not looking at porn. I wrote a post about this very thing not too long ago. It was about dick sizes and how porn... well let's just says it's not exactly realistic

Best!

That’s awesome! Dick size is blown way out of proportion, its no different in the gay world only that there are twice as many dicks around to compare to. I did have a fair amount of shame years ago since I‘m a shower (instead of a grower) with ED therefore all anyone saw was a smaller flaccid dick. When it’s hard though it’s average which I’m happy with. We call it “boyfriend/husband dick” in my social group which is actually preferable to “porn dick.”

 

[8eight8]

Day 7 - Week 1

No Porn, occasional P-Subs creeping in but I dodge them.

I recently went through a breakup where one of the issues we were facing was our tough sex life partially due to my ED and porn addiction. For example, he worked very hard to make me cum while I was visualizing the last porn I watched (totally unfair for the poor guy). I really did like this dude and we’re still friends, now that I’m on this journey a lot of “what ifs?” are starting to swirl in my brain. I told him last weekend about the porn addiction and PIED and connected it to our sex challenges, I think he understands more now. I’m not looking to get back together as there were other issues but in hindsight I wish I could’ve figured this out before he and I dated, I could’ve been a much better boyfriend for him and for myself.

Anywho, therapy is Friday and I’ll dissect more with them then.

 

[Blondie]

but in hindsight I wish I could’ve figured this out before he and I dated, I could’ve been a much better boyfriend for him and for myself.

I hear you man (@8eight8), it's hard not to get stuck in "what ifs" mode, but it never really helps in the end. You're now on the right track, and that's the most important thing. When we get through this nonsense and on to the other side, we'll be better people for it.

Congrats on day 7!

 

[8eight8]

Day 7.5

A cute dude I know sent me some revealing photos completely unprovoked on Instagram, it was tough to not follow the 2 second rule but I did. I also have been shopping for new cycling kit as it’s the time of year when prices drop and I've been leering at some of the male models more than I should. I dunno, feels like a P-Sub for me given it fits into one of my kinks. No porn but bordering on it, maybe close to a relapse but no porn per-se. Following the 2 second rule there as best I can but it’s REALLY tough in a few cases.

 

[8eight8]

Day 8

Made it past a week. I’m no longer feeling like I’m constantly hungover, going from that constant dopamine hit all day from porn/fetish sites to none cold-turkey was tough on my body. Still no porn, still no fetish sites, some random p-subs and dudes sending things I shouldn’t see but I’m dodging them. Sending or receiving nudes in the gay world is extremely common and accepted. I’ve been handling it by recognizing it, looking away quickly, scrolling past, and explaining a little about my journey so they don’t do it again. I’ve gotten good, accepting feedback from real life friends when explaining my problem and journey to recovery but some “I don’t give a shit, here’s more” from guys online who don’t know me personally but just as a guy on their screen (a P-Sub for them I guess?). I’m not here to fix their issues though, just my own. Those guys are getting blocked. Feeling good and healthier.

 

[Blondie]

Glad to hear about your improvements @8eight8, keep it up!

 

[eromenos]

Thanks Blondie for the words of encouragement!

From another angle maybe, I workout a lot too but never felt that attractive. Maybe it was due to subconsciously comparing myself to guys I was bombarded with every day? Perhaps this might be a healthy side effect of cutting out porn; more confidence in my own appearance? Just so long as it doesn’t travel into narcissism, LOL.

Yeah, this is huge in the gay community. The standards we end up setting for ourselves when we watch porn is ridiculous and damaging.
I had to change gyms because of it. I seemed to have ended up at London central for onlyfans people and despite having gone to the gym for over 20 years and it being my happy place, it started to feel very charged and destructive. I’ve moved gyms, and am much happier.

 

[8eight8]

Yeah, this is huge in the gay community. The standards we end up setting for ourselves when we watch porn is ridiculous and damaging.
I had to change gyms because of it. I seemed to have ended up at London central for onlyfans people and despite having gone to the gym for over 20 years and it being my happy place, it started to feel very charged and destructive. I’ve moved gyms, and am much happier.

Oh man, that sounds horrible. Happy you found a better place! While those dudes can be nice to look at they're not who I want to be with. I live in a medium sized city in America that is extremely gay friendly but not full of gym rats or wannabe models so it’s not very challenging.

When I travel to places with large numbers of gays I start to lose perspective and confidence as the self-comparisons start. The dudes in speedos, the go go boys, the advertisements/posters with half naked guys, etc. it’s just everywhere. I have friends who claim these don’t impact their confidence (or so they say) which shocks me as it’s so engrained in me. At least I don’t need to deal with it constantly at home with porn now though, which is nice.

 

[8eight8]

Day 9 - Therapy Day

Still no porn, no fetish sites, dodging p-subs with my two remaining social media platforms (unfollowing/blocking). Today I see my therapist where I’m hoping to discuss PIED and porn addiction for the first time. I started seeing her a few months ago after my last breakup and she has helped a lot already. I gave her a heads up that this is a problem that I want to kick and she said she can help. I just want to have good, fulfilling sex that I’m fully present for (not thinking about porn) without PIED.

Something else I’m noticing, I’m finding guys in everyday life more attractive. Like a handsome guy at the grocery store fully clothed catches my eye more now whereas before I’d have just walked by then beat off to porn with impossibly hot guys when I got home. I dunno, maybe progress?