Porn use wreaking havoc

Here a few important excerpts from chapter 2 of James Clears "Atomic Habits"...



There are three layers of behavior change:
The first layer is changing your outcomes. This level is concerned with changing your results: losing weight, publishing a book, winning a championship. Most of the goals you set are associated with this level of change.
The second layer is changing your process. This level is concerned with changing your habits and systems: implementing a new routine at the gym, decluttering your desk for better workflow, developing a meditation practice. Most of the habits you build are associated with this level.
The third and deepest layer is changing your identity. This level is concerned with changing your beliefs: your worldview, your self-image, your judgments about yourself and others. Most of the beliefs, assumptions, and biases you hold are associated with this level.
Many people begin the process of changing their habits by focusing on what they want to achieve. This leads us to outcome-based habits. The alternative is to build identity-based habits. With this approach, we start by focusing on who we wish to become.

Imagine two people resisting a cigarette. When offered a smoke, the first person says, “No thanks. I’m trying to quit.” It sounds like a reasonable response, but this person still believes they are a smoker who is trying to be something else. They are hoping their behavior will change while carrying around the same beliefs.
The second person declines by saying, “No thanks. I’m not a smoker.” It’s a small difference, but this statement signals a shift in identity. Smoking was part of their former life, not their current one. They no longer identify as someone who smokes.

Behavior that is incongruent with the self will not last.
  • The goal is not to read a book, the goal is to become a reader.
  • The goal is not to run a marathon, the goal is to become a runner.
  • The goal is not to learn an instrument, the goal is to become a musician.
The more you repeat a behavior, the more you reinforce the identity associated with that behavior. In fact, the word identity was originally derived from the Latin words essentitas, which means being, and identidem, which means repeatedly. Your identity is literally your “repeated beingness.”

1. Decide the type of person you want to be.
2. Prove it to yourself with small wins.
  • Each time you write a page, you are a writer.
  • Each time you practice the violin, you are a musician.
  • Each time you start a workout, you are an athlete.
  • Each time you encourage your employees, you are a leader.


I strongly recommend this book. Changed my life.
 

seano

Member
Day 34/60

Still dealing with some urges. I'm going to start working on "changing my identity" around this new habit. I am not a person who views sexually stimulating content on my phone. Everytime I resist a temptation, I am proving to myself this is who I am.

Stay strong out there
 

Sir_Cooms

Member
Day 34/60

Still dealing with some urges. I'm going to start working on "changing my identity" around this new habit. I am not a person who views sexually stimulating content on my phone. Everytime I resist a temptation, I am proving to myself this is who I am.

Stay strong out there
Great way to develop this new mindset. Congrats on passing the 30-day mark!!
 

seano

Member
Day 1/60

I've relapsed the last two days. Once again pushing my otherwise great relationship to the brink. The moments of pleasure were completely not worth it. It's difficult to not feel like a complete fuck up right now, but I need to get back to this healing process.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Hey, you are here being honest about it - being honest with yourself. That's so important. You're still clean 34 out of 36 days - and sixty more on the way! :)

Just don't get into a pattern of failing - I've seen that many times (including for myself in the past) where we settle into a new pattern of quitting and failing - never really going beyond that. Always fighting.

We deserve more than a constant fight with ourselves! So grab the bull by the horns and hop back on!
 
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