Porn use wreaking havoc

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
No easy way to resist those urges, other than to just say no and limit your time online. I'm going through the same struggles at the moment!
 
Here a few important excerpts from chapter 2 of James Clears "Atomic Habits"...



There are three layers of behavior change:
The first layer is changing your outcomes. This level is concerned with changing your results: losing weight, publishing a book, winning a championship. Most of the goals you set are associated with this level of change.
The second layer is changing your process. This level is concerned with changing your habits and systems: implementing a new routine at the gym, decluttering your desk for better workflow, developing a meditation practice. Most of the habits you build are associated with this level.
The third and deepest layer is changing your identity. This level is concerned with changing your beliefs: your worldview, your self-image, your judgments about yourself and others. Most of the beliefs, assumptions, and biases you hold are associated with this level.
Many people begin the process of changing their habits by focusing on what they want to achieve. This leads us to outcome-based habits. The alternative is to build identity-based habits. With this approach, we start by focusing on who we wish to become.

Imagine two people resisting a cigarette. When offered a smoke, the first person says, “No thanks. I’m trying to quit.” It sounds like a reasonable response, but this person still believes they are a smoker who is trying to be something else. They are hoping their behavior will change while carrying around the same beliefs.
The second person declines by saying, “No thanks. I’m not a smoker.” It’s a small difference, but this statement signals a shift in identity. Smoking was part of their former life, not their current one. They no longer identify as someone who smokes.

Behavior that is incongruent with the self will not last.
  • The goal is not to read a book, the goal is to become a reader.
  • The goal is not to run a marathon, the goal is to become a runner.
  • The goal is not to learn an instrument, the goal is to become a musician.
The more you repeat a behavior, the more you reinforce the identity associated with that behavior. In fact, the word identity was originally derived from the Latin words essentitas, which means being, and identidem, which means repeatedly. Your identity is literally your “repeated beingness.”

1. Decide the type of person you want to be.
2. Prove it to yourself with small wins.
  • Each time you write a page, you are a writer.
  • Each time you practice the violin, you are a musician.
  • Each time you start a workout, you are an athlete.
  • Each time you encourage your employees, you are a leader.


I strongly recommend this book. Changed my life.
 

seano

Member
Day 34/60

Still dealing with some urges. I'm going to start working on "changing my identity" around this new habit. I am not a person who views sexually stimulating content on my phone. Everytime I resist a temptation, I am proving to myself this is who I am.

Stay strong out there
 

McNutty

Active Member
Day 34/60

Still dealing with some urges. I'm going to start working on "changing my identity" around this new habit. I am not a person who views sexually stimulating content on my phone. Everytime I resist a temptation, I am proving to myself this is who I am.

Stay strong out there
Great way to develop this new mindset. Congrats on passing the 30-day mark!!
 

seano

Member
Day 1/60

I've relapsed the last two days. Once again pushing my otherwise great relationship to the brink. The moments of pleasure were completely not worth it. It's difficult to not feel like a complete fuck up right now, but I need to get back to this healing process.
 

Simon2

Well-Known Member
Hey, you are here being honest about it - being honest with yourself. That's so important. You're still clean 34 out of 36 days - and sixty more on the way! :)

Just don't get into a pattern of failing - I've seen that many times (including for myself in the past) where we settle into a new pattern of quitting and failing - never really going beyond that. Always fighting.

We deserve more than a constant fight with ourselves! So grab the bull by the horns and hop back on!
 

TypeN

Active Member
You can do this man, doesn't matter if it's porn or something else in life, we all buckle under pressure sometimes. If anything now you've learned something that will make you stronger going forward. Sending good thoughts your way mate.
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Day 1/60

I've relapsed the last two days. Once again pushing my otherwise great relationship to the brink. The moments of pleasure were completely not worth it. It's difficult to not feel like a complete fuck up right now, but I need to get back to this healing process.
Good luck with it!
I know how shitty it can be. But you were clean for more than 30 days, the next time will be easier! Look towards that, you are going on a road that you´ve already gone. Just keep trying.
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Day 1/60

I've relapsed the last two days. Once again pushing my otherwise great relationship to the brink. The moments of pleasure were completely not worth it. It's difficult to not feel like a complete fuck up right now, but I need to get back to this healing process.
Hey Seano. Remember you're not starting from scratch. You grew stronger from that previous streak! Keep it up. Keep building a better self. Keep thinking of "what else might I do than porn that will get me a good dose of healthy dopamine" :)
 

seano

Member
Day 6/60

10% of the way to this initial goal :)
My real goal is 90 days, as I understand that is the time it takes your brain to fully reboot. But, I am going to keep the 60 day checkpoint in place for now.

So since the relapse, I have had multiple difficult conversations with my partner. She is very affected by me watching porn for a number of reasons. While she is a motivator, it's important for me to remember that I am not quitting porn for her, but for me. My 33 day break from sexually stimulating material was very eye opening for me. It showed me the patience, focus, and problem solving skills I am capable of, how much better of a partner I can be to my gf and how much my brain has come to rely on the easy dopamine hits from porn use. I went through a terrible level of depression/ feeling down and was still in a haze for a good time after that. The break also uncovered some personal issues I am dealing with that I was covering up with artificial sexual stimulation and masturbating. I saw a glimpse of what a recovered life could look like for me and proved to myself the I am stronger than this addiction.

While I acknowledge this relapse was a set back, I am ready to move forward in a stronger, more intentional manner. I'm going to recommit to posting on this forum everyday, I'm going to further limit my phone use and ensure I have a plan in place for when I am home alone. I'm also going to commit to gratitude journaling everyday (increases neuroplasticity) and exercising at least three times a week as a habitual replacement.
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
I love how much insight you've gathered along your first big streak. That's probably the most important thing about this journey: self discovery!

Don't focus too much on the final objective but what you're experiencing during your journey ;) 90 days is great. But even if it's less, as long as you've done progress, and discovered some cool things about yourself, that's great!!
 

seano

Member
Day 7/60

No strong urges today. I've been thinking about something my therapist told me. She said that my porn addiction is covering up some other issue. If I wasn't addicted to porn I would most likely have some other addiction. I completely agree with that. In addition, she stressed the importance of abstinence from porn for at least ninety days so that I can come to baseline and we can begin unpacking those deeper underlying issues. Feeling ready to move on.
 

seano

Member
Day 8/60

I had some urges this morning. I masturbated a bit before work but not to the point of O. I've noticed I enjoy seeing attractive girls in public more since not viewing anything online. When I went to the grocery store I was looking around hoping I'd see an attractive girl lol. It's hard for me to know when it's a natural male sexual urge and at one point it becomes fucked up. I recognize looking at random naked girls online multiple times a day everyday is not natural and is an issue. But is it ok to enjoy sneaking a peak at an attractive girl at the grocery store, or am I a pervert for that? I'm happily in a committed relationship and know I don't actually want to get with other girls. But that animalistic urge is there. My gf would probably say it's fucked up I was looking for attractive girls. I'm trying to learn how to integrate this and how to express my sexuality in a healthy manner
 
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