Addiction. Who knew?

[dogtired]

Hey all,

I am 30 years old. Married with a toddler and one on the way. I love my family and I am very happy with them.

I definitely need some type of forum or support structure to get through this, if only now and again.
I probably started watching porn excessively at the beginning of college. So I guess for at least 10 years. After I got married I was "down"to watching porn a few nights a week, after my wife went to sleep. 

I only came to the realization that I had a problem this year when it all sort of clicked that perhaps there was a correlation between my lack of desire to have sex with my wife or find it enjoyable and porn. I've since done a lot of reading and research and the more I read about the physiological effects of porn desensitization, the more I took a look at myself sadly and said "that's me".

After this realization, I talked to my wife about it and went cold turkey. As of yesterday it was the 3rd day of week 9. Weeks 1-8 were pretty easy, i'm not gonna lie. I figured perhaps I wasn't addicted after all and just had desensitization from all the years of PMO.

Things were even starting to get better for me after around 5 weeks. I was starting to enjoy having sex again. I didn't feel completely indifferent when thinking about it.

I was wrong. And that's why I need help, hopefully from a community like this. Last night, out of nowhere I started getting a really strong itch. I've never felt anything like it before. I was even thinking to myself how ridiculous it seemed at the time, that I felt a pull towards watching porn. Even  just the thought of going to a website started giving me this butterfly feeling, this rush. I am assuming it was an endorphin rush.
I fought it for a little while but I caved. I read an erotic story instead of going to a site and watching porn, I think as some sort of rationalizing compromise with myself. But I know they are one and the same.

So I guess I am back to the start. Today is day 1. Last time I made it 9 weeks. This time I'd like to make it for good. 

Here's to hoping my body hasn't reset all the way back to before the reboot and that I have something to build on this time.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.

 

[fcjl8]

Welcome,

You are doing great sir! I like that you came to this realization by exploring the real relationship you enjoy with your wife. As a husband and father I can identify with what you wrote in many ways, although I am quite a bit older.

I wish you the best in your journey!

 

[uolihp]

I think your doing good... week 1 is already kinda hard for me but I'm sure talking to your wife about it must be a great help.

Your compromise of reading an erotic story is not that bad in my opinion... it's not the same visual addiction. Just be careful not to go online to watch porn again after this.

Excuse me for being curious, after 8 weeks, sex with your wife is enough or you masturbate thining about her (or other reallife women) ?

 

[dogtired]

Thanks for the support.

Its amazing how you can take for granted a situation like this and how just hearing from others in a similar situation can help tremendously.

When I realized that this addiction and the physiological effect from it were what was causing my issues in the bedroom, I brought it up to my wife. It was definitely not an easy conversation but she's amazing and said "Ok, now stop watching porn." I'm glad I was able to talk to her about it then. But its not something I have really spoken to her about since.

We both had known something was wrong for a while so once I knew the cause of course I had to share it. She knows it is a long road to reboot and that it will take some time. maybe 6 months, maybe more. That is what makes me feel even worse about my relapse 2 nights ago, is that she is waiting and giving me time to reboot and I feel like I have reset the process which is not fair to her (or myself).

To answer you question uolihp, I guess my situation is a little different since as I mentioned in my first post that my wife is pregnant and by that I mean that she's now in her last week or so before the due date. So there hasn't been too much sex for me recently.

Also, keep in mind that even though I went almost 9 weeks without PMO, that didn't mean I was having sex all 8 weeks. My desire did not start coming back until week 4-5 and even then it was slight. So I guess I can't really answer your question (sorry). I tried for the most part not to masturbate and I think I only did 2 times in those 9 weeks. I did however have a ton of WD which started to get really annoying. I was getting them sometime 3-4 times a week and in back-to-back nights.

Lastly, to add to a long post, I think that the compromise I made with the story was just as bad. While it was different from my normal porn habits, it served the same purpose of artificial stimulation with fantasy and afterward (and since) i've felt as I did before I started rebooting. I have no sexual desire for my wife or any person frankly.
But perhaps it works differently for others.

Day 2 in the books.

 

[dogtired]

Day 5 almost done.

Feeling pretty good for the most part. I was glad to find out I did not reset the entire reboot in my body. I had sex and  I was able to feel it as opposed to just go through the motions like I used to. HUGE plus to me.

I have found that I've been a little irritable at times the past couple of days. Not sure if that is related but perhaps.

I also noticed that while it felt great to have sex, I felt disappointed afterwards that I did not feel the same  rush as I did when watching/reading porn (or just thinking about doing it during my reboot). Its also a very shameful disappointment but I'm assuming that is a large part of the reboot?

Has anyone else had that effect?

Thanks

 

[dogtired]

Day 18 of the 2nd reboot. Been a whirlwind past couple of weeks which has been nice since I have barely had time to think about porn. Been seemingly very easy. However, I remember this being that case last time as well, I breezed through close to a month before I started feeling that tugging.  I have found that just coming to RBN and reminding myself of my situation has been helpful in avoiding thoughts of relapse.

I'm trying to think of ways to prevent that from happening this time, but only time will tell when it will happen.

Thanks for reading and your support. This will be the first place I come when I feel the inevitable pull back toward PMO.