Finally doing something

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hippydippy

Member
I've been "trying" to quit for almost 2 years now and I cant seem to get myself to stop relapsing. My addiction has put impossible strain on my relationship and i have caused her too much pain because of it. Every time I try to reboot or rewire my brain, i fall flat, and what makes it a million times worse is that i keep lying to my partner about it, continuously breaking her trust and completely disrespecting her boundaries. I love her too much to keep doing this to her, and not only that but i am doing this for myself, i know that i can put my time and energy into something a lot more productive than PMO, but it seems to be all i think about sometimes and i just can't stand it being like that anymore. I wanna post on here daily to show me where and when I'm having problems and to remind myself that I can do better. I relapsed today for the first time in a few weeks and my girlfriend found out about it and i still decided to lie about it, despite the innumerable amount of times she has told me not to lie to her about it and that that will only make things worse, i know it makes things worse but for some reason my first instinct is to save my ass rather than own up to it. I wasnt to get rid of that habit and I want to get rid of the urges for PMO. My goal for now is to go for 2 weeks with no PMO or MO at all. I want to set a new goal after that and continue to rebuild what ive broken about myself.
 
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hippydippy

Member
Today is the first day to my real recovery, i was under the illusion that I could do this myself for way too long. I've been a prisoner to these unhealthy habits and i just want to get out already. I know i can get through today without any relapses, the first few days are usually pretty easy for me, it's when a week goes by that the urge and desire gets stronger and harder to control. Its like if i give one thought to pmo, i can't stop myself from giving into it. If anyone sees this and wants to be my accountability buddy i would really appreciate it. This time is different, i can tell, even if its not enough to make things better with my girlfriend, i am glad Im doing this, i just want to be in control of my actions.
 
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hippydippy

Member
I haven't only been lying to my girlfriend, I've been lying to myself. Telling myself, "im doing better", "Im really trying", or worst of all "i havent relapsed" when I know damn well that I have. I think my habit of lying about it obviously has to do with my complete denial of the problem and the effort to stay in a sort of comfort zone within my relationship. This "comfort zone" was just a façade I put up to distract both me and my partner from the real problems behind everything. I think the lying also stems from my habit of lying to my parents about homework, over and over again i would tell them i had done homework that i knew i hadnt, just so i could avoid that argument or yelling just for one more day, and i think thats what I've been doing with my girlfriend.
 
the_correct_wolf

the_correct_wolf

Member
Hey man, Good job recognising some of the ways you have been lying to yourself. If you're anything like me (I'd bet you are) you're just starting to scratch the surface. Keep digging!

I think this is one of the keys to getting out of this. When you're in the right mindset going back to the behaviour that has caused all this pain and guilt is not an option. Then, gradually, you start lying to yourself, and you lose sight of reality. Soon enough you have created a situation where you are willing to do what was unthinkable just a couple weeks ago. By the time you are worrying about relapse, it's too late. You have to trace the pattern back to where it begins and stop it there.

I can relate to the homework battle too. I actually had to have my teacher sign my notebook at the end of class to verify that I wrote all the assignments down. I was a sharp kid and I learned things quickly, by the time we got through the lesson in class I was bored with it. Spending more time at home practicing the same concept over and over was the last thing I wanted to do.
 
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seano

Member
I've been in a very similar relationship with my gf, hiding it from her over and over again and braking boundaries and trust over and over again. It can be hard to cause someone you love so much pain and you're somehow unable to stop.
For me, the lying and deceit came from a wanting to protect myself from feeling bad, meanwhile my gf was feeling like shit about here self. I reasoned with myself that she deserves the truth, and she didn't deserve me lying to her to save me and trick her into being with me.
Have you thought about what replacement habits you'd like to build in place of the PMO?
 
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hippydippy

Member
Beautiful1973 said:
Welcome @hippydippy, how else is the porn consumption affecting your gf and the relationship, or is it the lying and betrayal at this stage?
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It is more the lying and betrayal right now that is affecting us and her. With how many times I've stood my ground on a blatant lie that even she knows is a lie, she's just waiting for me to admit it, it feels like I'll never really get that trust back and I'm scared that even if we stay together for awhile, her fears and anxieties might just chip away at our relationship even when things seem good.
 
Beautiful1973

Beautiful1973

Active Member
Hi @hippydippy it's a really tough situation to be in, I know because I've lived it.....you have to try and break the cycle of secrets and lies, it will erode the trust in your relationship, make her feel unsafe, and eventually destroy things between you, as well as your sense of 'self'.
You need to focus on rebuilding trust and that is done through consistency, commitment and transparency.
Also word of warning, if you lose her, the pattern will just continue in your next relationship, and the next, and the next.....it doesn't stop because she goes!
If what you have is good, fight for it, with everything you have.......appreciate and value her for standing by you during your struggle, respect her boundaries and be honest at all times.

Good luck fella:)
 
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hippydippy

Member
I haven't checked this in a bit over a week and I'm a bit disappointed in myself, because I really am taking this seriously and want to really change things in my life. The past week has been pretty hectic though, trying to make things up with my girlfriend trying to make sure she has the great October she deserves. A lot has happened in the past week and not a lot of it feel relevant to my problem. I haven't really even thought about PMO or MO much to be honest. I think that getting caught by my girlfriend that last time really broke it out of me. It kinda just sent me through a lot of realizations in my life and working through my porn and relationship issues among other things with my therapist has honestly really been helping. Its helped to try to put my energy into other things and just try to keep my mind away from distractions. I've been writing poetry lately and the challenging but passionate feeling i get when trying out ideas or just thinking of something new makes me feel so so much better about myself. I feel like for so long I've just wasted my brain on nothing but drugs, screens, and bullshit, and it's just been tearing away at my sense of self. I am deeply sorry to my girlfriend and anyone else it has affected, I just want to get better now. I think everyday on here is too much for me, i want to start writing in my personal journal more often so I can talk about other things going on in my life but i wanna do a weekly check in here to keep me on track.
 
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hippydippy

Member
I want to try to stick to daily, just to cement my goal in my head. Today has been good, I really haven't felt the desire to PMO at all really but if I'm being honest my sexual drive is down all together. I don't know how to explain it really just haven't been as motivated recently. Other than that I've really just been happy to find a new passion in life, I really have been missing that and it's definitely been helping me get past my addiction
 
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hippydippy

Member
Just checking in, I'm doing really well right now, at least in this aspect of my life, there are so many other things bothering me right now it feels good to have this under a little more control. It felt like my addiction was affecting all aspects of my life and just taking away from my sense of self. I am really happy to have reignited passions and I want to stick with them.
 
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hippydippy

Member
Today has been good, finally getting over a cold I've had the past few days. I've been doing good with out PMO but I have been jacking off to pictures of my girlfriend, which she is okay with, but I've just been trying to hold off on masturbation as much as possible.
 
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hippydippy

Member
Had a pretty good weekend, have really only been thinking about what I want to write, It's definitely been helping me through this whole process. I think i have premature ejaculation though and i don't really know what to do about it because I think I've had it my whole life. that's pretty much it for today
 
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