TealCactus
Member
I'm 21, but I started watching porn when I was 11 or 12. Ever since it's had a grip on my mind like nothing else ever has. I've gone long periods without it, even making it two years porn-free until around this time last year. Since that last relapse, I've struggled the most that I have since I was in high school. I continue to struggle today. I have so many resources at my disposal, but I haven't been prioritizing this as much as I should. Of course, that's crazy. My porn addiction could literally kill me (the shame from it leads to occasional suicidal ideation), it ruins my self-image, it ruins my relationship with my wife, and it makes me lose all interest in my hobbies and career.
It's been a crazy year. I got engaged, I graduated college, I moved to a new state, I started my first full-time job, I lived alone in a new city for months, my brother-in-law got shot at my bachelor party and had a stroke, I got married, and my porn addiction has been dragging me down throughout all of it. It's always been my biggest weakness. I have so much faith in myself, and I really believe that I have so much potential. But porn takes that away from me. It makes me feel worthless like my life isn't worth anything to anyone, so it shouldn't be worth anything to me. But that's a lie. My life does have value, and I know that I won't fully realize that until I finally kick porn for good.
I've put tons of safety measures on my devices, but as someone who works in tech, I always easily find ways around them. I also use porn substitutes if I can't access porn (which I believe is a LARGE part of the reason I relapsed last year. I started reading erotica and telling myself it wasn't porn, and of course eventually that led to porn). I don't want porn, porn substitutes, solo masturbation, or any other forms of intimacy-less sex in my life.
I know so much about porn addiction after fighting it for years. I understand the science. I can feel it, I can feel the dopamine craving in my brain that leads me to binge porn and put off orgasm as long as I can. Understanding is nothing without action though.
I'll be updating this journal daily. If anyone wants to be accountability partners, or have a small community of sorts, I would love to be involved! Community is the thing that I need most in my journey. I need people who get the struggle. We're all in this together!
For me, the most fulfilling part of life is finding the many ways I can enjoy it. Whether it's hobbies, relationships, or experiences, I love living. I don't want porn to take that away from me any longer. So I want to stop watching porn so I can keep living my life joyfully. To the better things in life!
It's been a crazy year. I got engaged, I graduated college, I moved to a new state, I started my first full-time job, I lived alone in a new city for months, my brother-in-law got shot at my bachelor party and had a stroke, I got married, and my porn addiction has been dragging me down throughout all of it. It's always been my biggest weakness. I have so much faith in myself, and I really believe that I have so much potential. But porn takes that away from me. It makes me feel worthless like my life isn't worth anything to anyone, so it shouldn't be worth anything to me. But that's a lie. My life does have value, and I know that I won't fully realize that until I finally kick porn for good.
I've put tons of safety measures on my devices, but as someone who works in tech, I always easily find ways around them. I also use porn substitutes if I can't access porn (which I believe is a LARGE part of the reason I relapsed last year. I started reading erotica and telling myself it wasn't porn, and of course eventually that led to porn). I don't want porn, porn substitutes, solo masturbation, or any other forms of intimacy-less sex in my life.
I know so much about porn addiction after fighting it for years. I understand the science. I can feel it, I can feel the dopamine craving in my brain that leads me to binge porn and put off orgasm as long as I can. Understanding is nothing without action though.
I'll be updating this journal daily. If anyone wants to be accountability partners, or have a small community of sorts, I would love to be involved! Community is the thing that I need most in my journey. I need people who get the struggle. We're all in this together!
For me, the most fulfilling part of life is finding the many ways I can enjoy it. Whether it's hobbies, relationships, or experiences, I love living. I don't want porn to take that away from me any longer. So I want to stop watching porn so I can keep living my life joyfully. To the better things in life!