Deflated feelings

Jlied

Active Member
So I’m taking the advice of some people I’ve talked with in the past and just creating a post to put my feelings down and get them out of my head. It’s been quite some time since I’ve created a post so I’ll basically reintroduce myself. I’m 42, I’ve been married 17 years and I have 2 kids. Growing up in a low income house I wasn’t really exposed to internet porn until I was around 18/19 years old. I had seen it in magazines but of course nothing compares to the internet. So I would say I’ve been struggling with porn for the last 20 years give or take. It wasn’t until about 4 years ago that my issues finally came to a boiling point.

I have been working on recovery since then with the last year being where I had made some great progress. I went probably a solid year without looking at porn or visiting chat sites. But I guess what is deflating to me is recently I’ve been struggling and I’ve been edging occasionally. I think one of the reasons I was so successful is that I cut out edging and masturbation as I think those were some of the driving factors into me looking at porn because my kind could only take me so far without the need for visual stimulation. At any rate since I’ve been caving in to the urge to edge I’ve also been caving into reading erotic literature, I’m twisting the imagery but I know it won’t be far away if I don’t correct my course.

reading someone’s post the other day (I can’t remember from whom though) they said one of the hardest things was to admit to yourself you have an problem. And this is so true, I don’t consider myself to have an big ego by any means but, I do struggle with self worth and confidence so it is very hard to admit to any flaw I have because it just reinforces my feelings if there always being something that is wrong with me. I know that no one is perfect and yet for me I get so down on myself for not being perfect…….ok I’m going off topic here. Anyway I’m just so frustrated that I’ve allowed myself to fall back into a pattern that leads to heartache, pain, confusion, and deceit. You’d think after a year that I should be getting stronger, not weaker. Maybe I’ve just gotten lazy. Maybe I got complacent, maybe i just wanted to remember those feelings…..I don’t know for certain.
 

GBS

Respected Member
Hi @Jlied

Some of what you say I identify with. I am in hard mode and the early days included edging and fantasy. I am now doing what I would call the purist version where I basically don’t touch myself except to wash or urinate. Your struggle is yours, and mine is mine. But we have similarities. We’re human. We get distracted. We get tempted. The great thing is we have a choice. We will take the right path. We can look down the bad path, but not go there.

I find RN is very helpful because it’s like Weight Watchers (a bit) and you know you’re letting your mates down a bit if you relapse. Emotional blackmail is actually useful. I am being deliberately glib.

Just hang in there. You inspire me.
 

Rain2000

Member
From my perspective, you have an addiction - that doesn't make you worthless or that you're 'wrong' in any way. To go a whole year is flipping incredible - hats off to you sir! All I can say is that, perhaps you can learn something from the relapse? Ae you able to critically evaluate where its started to fall off?

During one of my attempts to quit, I started to listen to erotic stories and podcasts - BIG MISTAKE for me! That was me basically just getting my dopamine hit in a different format. Now I now I can't have the 'sexual fantasy' part of my life anymore. That's a really tough thing to accept because it's been a huge part of my life since I was about twelve.

If you can, observe what your're doing, evaluate and then try to interrupt the automatic mistakes that you're making.
 
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Jlied

Active Member
Hi @Rain2000 thanks for your comments, I know I am not defined by my past mistakes and dwelling on them doesn’t allow me to move forward, it’s just that I have struggled all my life with self worth. I feel like I sometimes self sabotage when things are going to well. It’s almost like I feel like I don’t deserve nice things. I don’t know how to accept compliments, I don’t accept nice gestures people try to do for me because I think I’m not worthy. Personality wise I’m quiet, I don’t like attention, and I feel like being by myself a lot is easier than being in a bigger social setting.

I know edging is a gateway to the old life I had. And fortunately by being more active here the urge to edge has really gone away. Reading the testimonies of the partners affected by porn is really a powerful section. It’s a reminder about the declaration that my behavior has created and I just don’t want to go down that path ever again, not for me and certainly not for my wife.
 

Rain2000

Member
Hi @Rain2000 thanks for your comments, I know I am not defined by my past mistakes and dwelling on them doesn’t allow me to move forward, it’s just that I have struggled all my life with self worth. I feel like I sometimes self sabotage when things are going to well. It’s almost like I feel like I don’t deserve nice things. I don’t know how to accept compliments, I don’t accept nice gestures people try to do for me because I think I’m not worthy. Personality wise I’m quiet, I don’t like attention, and I feel like being by myself a lot is easier than being in a bigger social setting.

I know edging is a gateway to the old life I had. And fortunately by being more active here the urge to edge has really gone away. Reading the testimonies of the partners affected by porn is really a powerful section. It’s a reminder about the declaration that my behavior has created and I just don’t want to go down that path ever again, not for me and certainly not for my wife.
For what it’s worth, I know exactly what you mean about self worth. I promise you this is the truth; about five years ago I googled ‘why do I feel bad when good stuff happens to me.’

I genuinely feel bad inside if someone says something good about me or if I win or succeed at something. I’ve had that feeling since I was a kid. I’ve felt like there was something ‘wrong’ with me since I was about 5 years old. Thankfully I’m now tackling that very seed of shame and self worth.
 

Jlied

Active Member
For what it’s worth, I know exactly what you mean about self worth. I promise you this is the truth; about five years ago I googled ‘why do I feel bad when good stuff happens to me.’

I genuinely feel bad inside if someone says something good about me or if I win or succeed at something. I’ve had that feeling since I was a kid. I’ve felt like there was something ‘wrong’ with me since I was about 5 years old. Thankfully I’m now tackling that very seed of shame and self worth.
@Rain2000 what practices are you putting into place to combat that kind of negative self thinking? I’m interested as I know it’s something I need to adopt into my life, I really think I need to overcome this self image area to also have long term success in my own recovery.
 

Jlied

Active Member
Hi @Jlied

Some of what you say I identify with. I am in hard mode and the early days included edging and fantasy. I am now doing what I would call the purist version where I basically don’t touch myself except to wash or urinate. Your struggle is yours, and mine is mine. But we have similarities. We’re human. We get distracted. We get tempted. The great thing is we have a choice. We will take the right path. We can look down the bad path, but not go there.

I find RN is very helpful because it’s like Weight Watchers (a bit) and you know you’re letting your mates down a bit if you relapse. Emotional blackmail is actually useful. I am being deliberately glib.

Just hang in there. You inspire me.
Hi @GBS im flattered that I inspire you, I don’t see the inspiration personally, most days I feel like a fraud, but I will do my best to accept your compliment.

for the most part I’ve been hard mode since I started with the exception of some random edging flare ups. I’ve always had an assumption that my porn use might be closely tied to edging. I could only edge so long before my mind couldn’t create a scenario strong enough so I’d have to stimulate with video or it would create a scenario and I’d have to go see if something like that actually existed online. I agree with you that everything ends up as our choice and sometimes like you said it’s hard to take the right path but even looking at the wrong path is dangerous.

I agree with you that the forums here are really fruitful. Testimony is powerful no matter how embarrassing it may be. Sometimes our stories need to be heard so that others may understand that they are no worse than anyone who has very struggles with this addiction. Testimony from spouses are great because the remind us that no matter the situation the pain cuts the same.

thanks for your contributions to the site.
 
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Rain2000

Member
@Rain2000 what practices are you putting into place to combat that kind of negative self thinking? I’m interested as I know it’s something I need to adopt into my life, I really think I need to overcome this self image area to also have long term success in my own recovery.
I'm trying to better identify negative automatic thoughts 'NATS'. Sometimes I can catch the early and other times, usually at about 3am, they run wild. I need to apply a rigorous CBT approach. I have done this before for a very severe case of health anxiety and it worked incredibly well. I am also reading and re-reading two great self help books that focus on self-esteem. The danger with reading and listening to too many self-help books / podcasts is that you can fall into the trap of making yourself feel temporarily better by doing so. It's a bit like feeling better by reading a weightlifting magazine because you intend to go to the gym but you never actually go to the gym. I am often guilty of this - I actually need to put pen to paper and work on myself.
 

Jlied

Active Member
@Rain2000 I agree with you on too much self help and too many podcasts are counter productive. I’ve found that the ideas from one another sometimes conflict, plus as I tend to over think things it only adds to my over thinking lol. I certainly need to be better about noticing the negative thoughts as they creep in and redirect that with positive thinking, but sometimes that positive thinking is only words and they don’t remove the negative feelings I feel.

pardon my ignorance but what is a CBT approach and how does it work? Also, what are the books you’re reading?
 

Rain2000

Member
@Rain2000 I agree with you on too much self help and too many podcasts are counter productive. I’ve found that the ideas from one another sometimes conflict, plus as I tend to over think things it only adds to my over thinking lol. I certainly need to be better about noticing the negative thoughts as they creep in and redirect that with positive thinking, but sometimes that positive thinking is only words and they don’t remove the negative feelings I feel.

pardon my ignorance but what is a CBT approach and how does it work? Also, what are the books you’re reading?
CBT is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy - I wonder if it's called something else in other parts of the world. I did a remote type course, didn't even see a person's face but I followed the instructions to the letter and it eliminated my health anxiety completely. That was pretty remarkable as the anxiety had got so bad that it was ruining my life.

The two books that I'm reading and re-reading for my anxiety and self-esteem are Kathleen Smith and Jennifer Alison I'm sure they're not for everyone, but they stuck a chord for me. Again though, there is a big difference between listening/reading them and feeling good for a short while and then actually practising the exercises and making a long term difference.
 

Jlied

Active Member
@Rain2000 thanks for sharing that, I’ll be certain to do some research on CBT and look into those books. The thing I need to be better at is putting into action what I learn in some of these resources. I’m good at reading and understanding the content….I’m bad at putting it into action.
 
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