Slowly rising from severe stress, anxiety and depression

reboot195

Member
Hello everyone

I may also apologies in advance, my English it is not my main language.

I'm writing this journal to hopefully being able to support others with my story of porn addiction and maybe get some feedback.
My story started just like a lot of other people, 13 years old with high testosterone levels and just wanted sex with a real woman. So when that wasn't possible I bursted out on the vast internet to jerk off to naked women.
I started to watch porn several times a week and it gradually rose to every day and usually several times per day.
My preferences of topic changed from soft porn to everything more disturbing and with time I developed an anal fetich which I thought wasn't disturbing, just that my preferences changed.
But I've got wiser... luckily.

I'm now 27 years old and have severe stress, anxiety and depression symptoms after 14 years of excessive porn use.
Not only have I've been addicted to porn but also coffee and nicotine in form of cigarettes and nicotine bags since the beginning of my 20's.
I drank so much coffee during the day because I wanted the dopamine kick.
All of my excessive use of porn, nicotine and coffee made me some kind of a zombie and I completely forgot how it was to have a normal functional body that wants normal healthy food, water, sleep and real sex. I was constantly striving for a dopamine kick. All of these addictions not only made me PA and PIED but also gave me massive social anxiety and stress. Even now on day 56 doing a PM I still have severe stress symptoms (I know that doing a PMO would maybe be more efficient, but I'm really happy that I have the opportunity to have real sex and rewire).
When my symptoms were highest I would have severe chest pains, chest tensions (where it feels like I can't breath), neck and head tensions, brain fog, trouble focusing, insomnia, panic/anxiety attacks, no virility, depression and a doubt about my sexuality (maybe HOCD).

I still have a lot of those symptoms, but the degree of them rise and fall during the weeks. I can feel that my virility is slowly rising, I'm starting to get morning boners, my brain fog is lifting slowly (it goes and comes back), I'm starting to get more interested in girls again, my self esteem is rising. There's finally a lot of positive things happening in me after 56 days without porn and masturbation. But it's a slow process and I can finally see the positive in not watching porn or do other forms of addictions. Fuck addictions really, it destroys so much in life.

When I look back I see that I already started to PIED back when I was 21, I could still get hard but I remember that being with a girl, didn't arouse me that much anymore and it would be more like a force to get hard and then have sex, even though it was with a beautiful girl. Since then I have had several girlfriends. I would leave due to my lost of interest and I would think "she's the wrong girl for me". But I've got wiser - porn has really killed my healthy view and emotions for real girls.

Today I'm currently dating a girl, but I must be honest - my emotions are like a rollercoaster, some days I feel in love, other days I feel like I need to be alone. I'm so confused about what I want and don't want. It's like no girl is not perfect enough or not good enough but I now that post porn addiction really fucks with the brain. So I'm currently waiting for what to come. Has anyone experienced the same?

It's like all this addictions has removed my willpower and self-esteem.

I'm fighting and moving forward, I hope someone will reply - I must be honest, it's hard being alone when fighting through addiction.
 

reboot195

Member
The last week has been a hard week. Rewire with a girl has showed the tough side of itself. It’s like I don’t know how I feel about her. My motivation for a girl has been completely gone and she can clearly feel that. I’m trying to explain her that it’s a part of the process of rebooting, but it’s still hard for her, and for me.
I don’t know if I should let her go, I feel like I’m holding on to her, but I also know that rebooting causes ups and downs on my emotions. And that’s why I’m not just giving up on her. She’s lovely and hope that rebooting and the future will bring the better in me and us.

I decided that I wanted a break from sex, because it actually gives me stress symptoms after an orgasm. It actually gives me stress symptoms every time I give myself some kind of dopamine kick (much sugar, orgasm, coffee). And today several day after sex I really feel depressed. I hope this will be better soon.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
Thanks man, I really appreciate it. Having sex without the O is actually really hard. I have not been connected to my sexual/sensual feelings for many years but it made me notice how much I need to relax and not just do fast O like when I watching P.
Look into sacred sex and tantric practice, it’s a beautiful way to connect with your partner. My best advice for the way your feeling with your girlfriend is to stay in the moment, be present and focus on intimacy, rather than sex with ‘O’.
 

reboot195

Member
Today's day 64 without P and M.
I still have stress symptoms, but they're gradually fading I can tell. Depression is still there but days are getting brighter for me.
I'm still thinking about P sometimes and the novelty-mind is still at is largest which make me dream my life away.
When I look back, I have been a dreamer regarding girls, dreamt my life away with girls that I met or watched on Facebook, Instagram etc. I think this has to do with the novelty P-brain.

It makes it very difficult to be in a relationship cause I always think that 'the grass is greener on the other side'. I don't want to think like that anymore, it's exhausting not to feel emotionally satisfied because of my many sexual thoughts and novelty about other girls.
My novelty brain is literally just like a hamster wheel and it's not only regarding girls and sex that my brain drives around - it's also thinking about what kind of job I want, where to live, if I want kids and when. It's like my brain is thinking and worrying about stuff rather than I just act on it. Can someone relate to this problem as well? Or is it just normal people stuff?

So for me, quitting porn is much more than regaining my true sexuality and not being addicted. It's like growing up and adulting.
Independency has always been challenging for me, as far as I remember I have been a codependent person. But I have also always watched P, so independency has not developed much (or maybe it's just the P that causes the problem). I'm starting to feel free, being able to choose for myself and not to feel anxious. It's an odd feeling, not feeling trapped, but it's good.

Now, I'm more productive during the day, I feel more motivated to do normal people stuff - such as keeping my apartment clean, eating properly and regularly, do my laundry etc. It's interesting how P completely drains the will-power in people (or maybe it's just the addiction).

Looking forward to have more independency, more will-power, more self-esteem and to take more responsibility of my life.
 

reboot195

Member
Look into sacred sex and tantric practice, it’s a beautiful way to connect with your partner. My best advice for the way your feeling with your girlfriend is to stay in the moment, be present and focus on intimacy, rather than sex with ‘O’.
Thanks for the advice, I'm really looking forward to do so. And I'm really happy to hear someone saying that I should stay, it's like no-one knows what porn addiction does to feelings in a relationship. I don't feel that it's the right thing to leave her, I really want to be more present around her and focus on the intimacy. So thank you @Beautiful1973.
 

reboot195

Member
Today's day 72.

It feels like a lifetime since I made my last post. I think my fluctuating emotions create this illusion. When I look back, it has only been a little over 2 months since my last PMO. It's incredible how much has happened (emotionally) to me in this short period of time. It hasn't been easy, but no doubt worth it.
I still rise, slowly but surely.

Unfortunately I have used a lot of time on social media the last couple of days which make me procrastinate a lot and doesn't help on my mood, will-power is definitely not gaining from social media. I will have to take more responsibility for my own life rather than sitting here and waste my time on my phone.

A new feeling has also come upon me. Meaninglessness.
Not only do I need to gain willpower, but also find meaning in my hobbies, my career, my love life and especially in my self and my emotions.
The last few weeks has been tough, I'm watching people living their lives, having a great career, having a great love life. I feel jealous, jealous because I see that they "have". And it has been difficult and almost impossible to find meaning in my own life, even though I have a lot - a job, a girlfriend, friends and family.

I want to change that. I want to find meaningfulness in myself again.
This journey, my life, is actually starting to be fun again.

To people who just started rebooting - my first one-to-two weeks of rebooting, I also quit smoking at that point, were the worst. But things will get better, brighter and easier. Your thoughts might be a rollercoaster, dark, depressing, anxious and maybe confusing. Mine has.
But believe it or not, it'll be better. At some point you will look back with new knowledge and console your old self for not being able to take responsibility of your own life. You will feel stronger, more independent and gain self-esteem again.
 

reboot195

Member
Today's day 76 without P and M.

Last few days has been pretty hard. I'm currently in-between jobs and starting at the new place 1st of December. Being home and not working makes me pretty anxious and pulls me toward social media (social media is also amplifying the anxiety). I recognize the "voyaging" effect P has on the brain is the same social media is doing. Stress, anxiety and depression is rising. I still think about P sometimes, but can abstract from it.

The stress also makes me crave more, like craving coffee. And I'm telling myself "just one cup is fine". But caffeine has no purpose other than dopamine, just like P and scrolling social media - No good...
Unfortunately I had a cup of coffee yesterday, after I brainwashed myself that it's not harming me. But as soon as I had the coffee, anxiety and stress level rose. I don't know how to "un-brainwash" myself to believe that coffee and social media has no purpose in my life.
I guess I have to read and study the effects some more. If you guys can give me som feedback regarding this could be great!

Anyway, while my anxiety and stress level are rising, my self-esteem is decreasing and I feel very insecure in my relationship. I feel so small and insecure.
My girlfriend and I was at the gym the other day and doing a team-workout with other people. There was another guy at the workout, he was taller than me, bigger and was a decent man. He made me so insecure about myself. I was thinking that I wasn't enough of a man for my girlfriend. I was thinking that she'd probably rather be with someone more "manly" than me (him).
My god, P has made me really insecure about myself.
I remember back then, when a situation like this wouldn't bother me. I would feel secure, feeling like the best man I could be.

I look forward towards better days with more confidence and more self-esteem.
But right now, it feels like an impossible mission to feel secure in myself.
 

Simon2

Active Member
Maybe sharing your thoughts of insecurity with your partner could help? Often bringing these things out in the open removes the weight from our shoulders quite a bit...
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
My girlfriend and I was at the gym the other day and doing a team-workout with other people. There was another guy at the workout, he was taller than me, bigger and was a decent man. He made me so insecure about myself. I was thinking that I wasn't enough of a man for my girlfriend. I was thinking that she'd probably rather be with someone more "manly" than me (him).
My god, P has made me really insecure about myself.
I remember back then, when a situation like this wouldn't bother me. I would feel secure, feeling like the best man I could be.
I know my Man has talked about these feelings a lot, it heartbreaking, the only reassuring words I can offer, is that she's with you, because she wants to be with you.

With regards to anxiety, try to find practices that allow you to get into your body and out of your mind, things like yoga, meditation or even tai chi.
I also found listen to audio books great for a healthy past time, and allowed me not to think about how anxious and stressed I felt. I often listen while I'm doing the housework, at the gym or going for a walk.
 

reboot195

Member
Maybe sharing your thoughts of insecurity with your partner could help? Often bringing these things out in the open removes the weight from our shoulders quite a bit...
I know my Man has talked about these feelings a lot, it heartbreaking, the only reassuring words I can offer, is that she's with you, because she wants to be with you.

With regards to anxiety, try to find practices that allow you to get into your body and out of your mind, things like yoga, meditation or even tai chi.
I also found listen to audio books great for a healthy past time, and allowed me not to think about how anxious and stressed I felt. I often listen while I'm doing the housework, at the gym or going for a walk.
@SimonM you are completely right and thanks for the advice. I'm totally open about my insecurity with my girlfriend, I would say that my problem is not that I don't communicate my feelings (good or bad), I have always talked with her about my feelings and would say I'm rather good at it.
My issue is more, that I don't know how to handle so much insecurity, I don't know what to do with myself when I'm feeling them - they are just too much.
She's actually going out tonight with some of her friends and maaaaaaan I'm feeling just like a little small insecure guy wanting to hide far, far away.

Thanks for the reassuring words @Beautiful1973, I'm really trying to turn those intrusive thoughts. Even when I tell myself that, she wouldn't be with me if she didn't want too - there's always the thought of "what if". The anxious "what if"...
I have actually tried yoga before and remember how it got me more into my body, think I will do that.

I guess I need to talk with someone to recognize my triggers of insecurity.
Thanks for the reply guys, I'm looking forward to see how I I'm gonna handle it.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
@reboot195 insecurity can feel debilitating at times.
I read in a self help book years ago, that when you walk into a room, think too yourself ‘what can I do for you people’, apparently it’s a confidence tactic….. and it works because I always use it when I’m anxious about going into a new situations.

With regards to your Lady going out with her friends, this is a hard one, and I understand how anxious this may make you feel. Have a look on Spotify, or Google a meditation for anxiety, get into some comfy clothes, put a towel down on the floor and get out of your head for 30 minutes….. I find it really helpful.

Good luck fella😊
 

reboot195

Member
Today's day 79 without P&M.

I got some psychological insight I wanted to share with you guys. In my process of rebooting I have experienced a lot of emptiness and difficult emotions like loneliness, insecurity, meaninglessness, helplessness, anxiety and fear.

I started therapy when I was 22 and in the past five years I have tried to understand all of my emotions and dysfunctional behaviors. I have learned so much about myself and developed great self insight. But not even 5 years of counseling would heal my "traumas", my emotions were still difficult to handle and it never seemed to get better, even though I learned to understand them better.
I didn't get happier, I didn't get a meaningful life, I didn't get to be more independent, braver, or got more self-discipline or self-esteem.
No matter how much therapy I went through, no matter how much I learned about myself, things wouldn't get any better for me.

There was still one factor I needed to eliminate... Addiction.
Addiction for me has many faces, porn, masturbation, nicotine, social media, caffeine, computer screens. And maybe more I don't understand yet.

My addictions are making me a very, very, very insecure and codependent person. I'm anxious of being alone, hurt and abandoned.
Addiction has destroyed me as a person and I have not been able to maintain a person of myself that is capable of being strong, independent, confident and have a purpose that I strongly follow.

Porn has destroyed that. I need to build that again.
Emotionally I feel like I have to discover how it is to be a normal human being again and along that, withstand my deepest of darkest emotions - insecurity and fear of abandonment.

But somehow I see a way out of this.
I need to stop procrastinating.
I need to get up, get out there, re-like socializing, re-like life goals, re-like starting a family, re-like kissing a girl, re-like being intimate with a girl. I have to find purpose and meaning beyond the screen.

I need to go from procrastination to execution.
 

reboot195

Member
Today's day 83.

The evening of day 80 was a milestone for me. I felt the "wanting" again. The feeling you get when absolutely no doubt is felt and you just feel the the urge of doing something. You are in total control of yourself, your emotions and your actions. I just felt it briefly, but surely was a milestone.

Unfortunately yesterday I fell back into a flatline. I'm not sure why I did, I've read that others also experience this later on in their reboot. But I must be honest, I'm almost at day 90 and it really shocked me that I'm flatlining again. It's crazy how all of my masculinity just disappeared on a single day. It's like my man down there is asleep, I feel absolutely nothing. Just like a switch turned off haha..
My anxiety also rose crazy along the flatline together with a lot of depression.

God flatline days are anxious and tough.
Well, I guess it is a part of rebooting...
 
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