Hi champs.
Been lurking these kind of forums for three months now. The last couple of days my depression has really got to me, putting me back into old habits such as procrastination and no motivation to do anything at all. Signed up here to hopefully get some supportive suggestions and answers to a couple questions, as well be available to support others. Sorry for the wall of text that is coming, but I'd like to provide some background information and context to my situation. I'll include a TL;DR below.
About me and my background in P and PIED:
I'm a 32 year young male from Scandinavia. Rarely ever PMO'd before I got my own desktop at the age of 14, only MO'd to touch alone up until this. Started watching P irregularly for 3 years, in the span of 2-5 times a week. Noticed first sign of PIED when I got a GF at 17 y'old. I unconsciously quit porn when we got together, and I was able to get hard initially, but it went limp when the condom came on. Looking back at it now I assume I had a mild PIED when we started trying two months into the relationship, and it eventually became performance anxiety due to numerous failed attempts in the one year long relationship. I felt like such a failure when we ended it, which threw me into a raging depression and anxiety. Which I still struggle with to this day. I fell back into PMO, I can't really remember the numbers too well, but up until the age of 24 I didn't binge too much. I could PMO three times a day, and I could go a whole week without. At 24 I had my next failed attempt at PIV. Which shattered my self confidence yet again. The years went, and I had evolved a crippling anxiety of intimacy. I'm a fairly decent looking guy, and on the top of my head I can think of minimum 30 opportunities of intercourse, but I just never dared to go for it always having excuses or just ditched the women, of some which were incredible hot. Last year I had another failed attempt at PIV (even with the use of half a blue pill), and this is when I started asking questions what the hell was wrong with me. So I started looking for answers.
Additional context to my current situation:
I had recently become a developer, so I knew google was my friend and quickly found YBOP. I was honestly laughing my ass off at how every story correlated to how I was feeling and what I had gone through. Without too much research I had a couple attempts which lasted two weeks each. I never took it too serious, and kind of forgot about it. It was too easy for my brain to fall back to old habits. Up until this spring. ( WARNING: TRIGGERING WORDS ) After always having PMO'd to my usual content, cowgurls and orgys, I suddenly fell into tran and bi. I was initially shocked, and was disgusted with myself after every session. After a month of this I remembered having read this on YBOP how one suddenly could turn to more shocking content. I started reading up on ybop and nofap again, but never went for another attempt before August came. I peeked too much the two first weeks at leaked content of celebrities and egirls, but then I met this girl.. Which was both a blessing and a curse. I hadn't fell this hard for a girl since my GF at 17 y'old, so I decided to go for it. Stopped all P and M, and had no O in mind as long as I could manage. After just a couple of days I entered the hyper arousal stage, got raging hardons when driving to work by just thinking of her. Had my first successful PIV the first weekend, two days in a row (with the help of the blue pill, no O). The following week I crashed hard, and I mean really hard. When I decided to go for nofap, I also took the choice of ditching all other artificial stimuli as well, this included cigarettes and weed, SoMe and gaming. I think the first 2-3 weeks of that flatline wasn't just a flatline, I was a full on deathline. I got the usual flatline symptoms such as non-existing libido and completely dead downstairs, but the worst part was the insomnia. I barely got 2 hours of continuous sleep and woke up 4-5 times every night before getting up for work. This made me completely absent, as if there were no one home upstairs. This of course led to it being difficult to make any impression on this girl, and as I was shut down mentally she started to lose interest - since I showed none at all. The blessing of meeting her that I mentioned earlier however, is that before we ended it we did kiss and cuddle a lot. 2 weeks after the flatline my D wasn't shrivled up anymore, and I started getting vivid sex dreams and morning wood (every god damn night). No libido though, I had absolutely no sex drive other than when I woke up to 60% nocturnal/morningwood. This was about a month ago.
Today I still have sexual dreams every other night. To be precise, it's never P dreams, it's mainly sexual dreams about girls I know where I'm a participant, not a spectator. Nocturnal wood every time I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night, and MW every morning. This morning it was at about 70-80%, but with an empty glans (?). I've read that more frequent occurrences of MW is a good sign of recovery, but I can't help but feel that they are a product of my sexual dreams and that it is slowing down my reboot. Because of my lack of sexual experience, I always thought I was one of those that need a long time to reboot. However, I have had absolutely NO urges to watch P the whole journey after meeting that girl. It's like my brain shut down any interest in it - which makes me believe I was never that addicted to it - now I assume I was more addicted to MO as an escape when procrastinating. This along with the constant MW, I somehow see some light in the end of the tunnel that this might not take years to fix. That is, if I manage to follow my plan. After everything I've read, I'm a firm believer that rewiring is very important for me. The plan is to start this process in february/march, all depending on how I feel of course. It might be longer. I also believe that kegel exercises is very beneficial, since it trains muscles that PMO when always sitting or laying down hasn't had the chance to train. I just started doing these. I've also just started meditating, which helps cut off the fantasies that spins up when I wake up with wood. Other habits I'm trying to implement in my daily routine is a healthy diet and exercising - weightlifting three days a week and going for a half hour walk the days I don't lift, as well as picking up learning Spanish again (had two years of it in high school). Unfortunately I don't socialize a lot since most friends of mine are gamers and don't get out a lot...
TL;DR
32 y'o male, irregular watcher of P until first sign of PIED with GF at 17 y'o. Have had devastating depression and anxiety, so virgin until the age of 32 then falling for a girl in the hyper arousal phase two weeks into current nofap streak, successful PIV with ED drugs. Flatlined for 3 weeks, insomnia for 5 weeks, was hit hard due to quitting all artificial stimuli I had going at once - cigaretts&weed, gaming and SoMe - was completely absent as if no one was home upstairs until the insomnia went away. Trying to implement routines of kegel, healthy diet and daily exercise.
This got a little longer than I expected. I guess it was just nice to tell my story to someone, so sorry to those who endured the wall of text but hated every part of it.
I'm currently struggling with my depression and procrastination, which makes it hard to follow up on everything I'm trying to make a part of my daily routines. Days like this is hell, there's just no spark for life, completely monotonous state of mind. Do people have any tips on how to deal with this? Also, if you read my story, do you believe I'm a case that needs a lot of time before having success? I honestly don't know what to think. I find it incredibly easy to abstain from P, and have MW every morning, but due to my lack of experience I feel like I have to wait at least 6 months, if not more, before I start rewiring..
I'm not thinking clear at the moment because of the monotonous state of mind and heavy brain fog, so if anything was unclear or you would like me to elaborate on something please don't hesitate to ask. I sincerely hope we all get through this, keep pushing champs.
All the best
S
Been lurking these kind of forums for three months now. The last couple of days my depression has really got to me, putting me back into old habits such as procrastination and no motivation to do anything at all. Signed up here to hopefully get some supportive suggestions and answers to a couple questions, as well be available to support others. Sorry for the wall of text that is coming, but I'd like to provide some background information and context to my situation. I'll include a TL;DR below.
About me and my background in P and PIED:
I'm a 32 year young male from Scandinavia. Rarely ever PMO'd before I got my own desktop at the age of 14, only MO'd to touch alone up until this. Started watching P irregularly for 3 years, in the span of 2-5 times a week. Noticed first sign of PIED when I got a GF at 17 y'old. I unconsciously quit porn when we got together, and I was able to get hard initially, but it went limp when the condom came on. Looking back at it now I assume I had a mild PIED when we started trying two months into the relationship, and it eventually became performance anxiety due to numerous failed attempts in the one year long relationship. I felt like such a failure when we ended it, which threw me into a raging depression and anxiety. Which I still struggle with to this day. I fell back into PMO, I can't really remember the numbers too well, but up until the age of 24 I didn't binge too much. I could PMO three times a day, and I could go a whole week without. At 24 I had my next failed attempt at PIV. Which shattered my self confidence yet again. The years went, and I had evolved a crippling anxiety of intimacy. I'm a fairly decent looking guy, and on the top of my head I can think of minimum 30 opportunities of intercourse, but I just never dared to go for it always having excuses or just ditched the women, of some which were incredible hot. Last year I had another failed attempt at PIV (even with the use of half a blue pill), and this is when I started asking questions what the hell was wrong with me. So I started looking for answers.
Additional context to my current situation:
I had recently become a developer, so I knew google was my friend and quickly found YBOP. I was honestly laughing my ass off at how every story correlated to how I was feeling and what I had gone through. Without too much research I had a couple attempts which lasted two weeks each. I never took it too serious, and kind of forgot about it. It was too easy for my brain to fall back to old habits. Up until this spring. ( WARNING: TRIGGERING WORDS ) After always having PMO'd to my usual content, cowgurls and orgys, I suddenly fell into tran and bi. I was initially shocked, and was disgusted with myself after every session. After a month of this I remembered having read this on YBOP how one suddenly could turn to more shocking content. I started reading up on ybop and nofap again, but never went for another attempt before August came. I peeked too much the two first weeks at leaked content of celebrities and egirls, but then I met this girl.. Which was both a blessing and a curse. I hadn't fell this hard for a girl since my GF at 17 y'old, so I decided to go for it. Stopped all P and M, and had no O in mind as long as I could manage. After just a couple of days I entered the hyper arousal stage, got raging hardons when driving to work by just thinking of her. Had my first successful PIV the first weekend, two days in a row (with the help of the blue pill, no O). The following week I crashed hard, and I mean really hard. When I decided to go for nofap, I also took the choice of ditching all other artificial stimuli as well, this included cigarettes and weed, SoMe and gaming. I think the first 2-3 weeks of that flatline wasn't just a flatline, I was a full on deathline. I got the usual flatline symptoms such as non-existing libido and completely dead downstairs, but the worst part was the insomnia. I barely got 2 hours of continuous sleep and woke up 4-5 times every night before getting up for work. This made me completely absent, as if there were no one home upstairs. This of course led to it being difficult to make any impression on this girl, and as I was shut down mentally she started to lose interest - since I showed none at all. The blessing of meeting her that I mentioned earlier however, is that before we ended it we did kiss and cuddle a lot. 2 weeks after the flatline my D wasn't shrivled up anymore, and I started getting vivid sex dreams and morning wood (every god damn night). No libido though, I had absolutely no sex drive other than when I woke up to 60% nocturnal/morningwood. This was about a month ago.
Today I still have sexual dreams every other night. To be precise, it's never P dreams, it's mainly sexual dreams about girls I know where I'm a participant, not a spectator. Nocturnal wood every time I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night, and MW every morning. This morning it was at about 70-80%, but with an empty glans (?). I've read that more frequent occurrences of MW is a good sign of recovery, but I can't help but feel that they are a product of my sexual dreams and that it is slowing down my reboot. Because of my lack of sexual experience, I always thought I was one of those that need a long time to reboot. However, I have had absolutely NO urges to watch P the whole journey after meeting that girl. It's like my brain shut down any interest in it - which makes me believe I was never that addicted to it - now I assume I was more addicted to MO as an escape when procrastinating. This along with the constant MW, I somehow see some light in the end of the tunnel that this might not take years to fix. That is, if I manage to follow my plan. After everything I've read, I'm a firm believer that rewiring is very important for me. The plan is to start this process in february/march, all depending on how I feel of course. It might be longer. I also believe that kegel exercises is very beneficial, since it trains muscles that PMO when always sitting or laying down hasn't had the chance to train. I just started doing these. I've also just started meditating, which helps cut off the fantasies that spins up when I wake up with wood. Other habits I'm trying to implement in my daily routine is a healthy diet and exercising - weightlifting three days a week and going for a half hour walk the days I don't lift, as well as picking up learning Spanish again (had two years of it in high school). Unfortunately I don't socialize a lot since most friends of mine are gamers and don't get out a lot...
TL;DR
32 y'o male, irregular watcher of P until first sign of PIED with GF at 17 y'o. Have had devastating depression and anxiety, so virgin until the age of 32 then falling for a girl in the hyper arousal phase two weeks into current nofap streak, successful PIV with ED drugs. Flatlined for 3 weeks, insomnia for 5 weeks, was hit hard due to quitting all artificial stimuli I had going at once - cigaretts&weed, gaming and SoMe - was completely absent as if no one was home upstairs until the insomnia went away. Trying to implement routines of kegel, healthy diet and daily exercise.
This got a little longer than I expected. I guess it was just nice to tell my story to someone, so sorry to those who endured the wall of text but hated every part of it.
I'm currently struggling with my depression and procrastination, which makes it hard to follow up on everything I'm trying to make a part of my daily routines. Days like this is hell, there's just no spark for life, completely monotonous state of mind. Do people have any tips on how to deal with this? Also, if you read my story, do you believe I'm a case that needs a lot of time before having success? I honestly don't know what to think. I find it incredibly easy to abstain from P, and have MW every morning, but due to my lack of experience I feel like I have to wait at least 6 months, if not more, before I start rewiring..
I'm not thinking clear at the moment because of the monotonous state of mind and heavy brain fog, so if anything was unclear or you would like me to elaborate on something please don't hesitate to ask. I sincerely hope we all get through this, keep pushing champs.
All the best
S