First PIED sign 15 year ago, depression making this hard.

Scaliac

Member
Have been focusing on school lately so have kinda forgot checking in here. Just a small update coming.

I think I'm at around 90 days now, my memory got horrible during the flatline and still is a bit bad.
No urge to watch P. Some urges to M. Been back and forth whether to O the next time I have S, been withholding it with the two girls I've been with until now. Mostly scared to be thrown back into the flatline I had. I do think my flatline was much worse due to the fact that I quit ALL stimulus at once, as I've mentioned before. Nicotine, PMO, gaming, junkfood, etc. Most certainly don't want to go through those 5-6 weeks of hell again.

MW is at about 90% now, but still with a softer glans - it's not completely soft like it was a month ago but faar from how full it used to get. Spoke with a doctor about this but he hadn't heard of something similar before so he assumed it would get okay with time as long as I stay true to the process. Libido was through the roof for 3 days last time I posted, then it flat out but now the last 48 hours it's been crazy high again. Might be the anticipation of the weekend, that something might happen. Still waking up early, brain going into hyperdrive with thoughts - mostly sexual about f'ing different girls, mostly a colleague or the girl I had S with two weeks ago. If I've gone soft after waking up and the fantasy kicks in I get hard pretty quickly. Struggled getting hard to fantasy when this started so that's a good sign of improvements. However I do feel guilty about fantasies, I don't want them to slow down my recovery. Even though I've come much further than I thought in this short amount of time I am aware and ready for that full recovery is a long way from here. Need to rewire more. I'm not on dating apps, and even though I am considering it I think it would be healthy for me and both my confidence and anxiety to try the old school way before going on the apps.

I hope all of you reading this stay strong. P has ruined us for far too long, it's time to give it up for good. Keep going!
 
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