First PIED sign 15 year ago, depression making this hard.


Have been focusing on school lately so have kinda forgot checking in here. Just a small update coming.

I think I'm at around 90 days now, my memory got horrible during the flatline and still is a bit bad.
No urge to watch P. Some urges to M. Been back and forth whether to O the next time I have S, been withholding it with the two girls I've been with until now. Mostly scared to be thrown back into the flatline I had. I do think my flatline was much worse due to the fact that I quit ALL stimulus at once, as I've mentioned before. Nicotine, PMO, gaming, junkfood, etc. Most certainly don't want to go through those 5-6 weeks of hell again.

MW is at about 90% now, but still with a softer glans - it's not completely soft like it was a month ago but faar from how full it used to get. Spoke with a doctor about this but he hadn't heard of something similar before so he assumed it would get okay with time as long as I stay true to the process. Libido was through the roof for 3 days last time I posted, then it flat out but now the last 48 hours it's been crazy high again. Might be the anticipation of the weekend, that something might happen. Still waking up early, brain going into hyperdrive with thoughts - mostly sexual about f'ing different girls, mostly a colleague or the girl I had S with two weeks ago. If I've gone soft after waking up and the fantasy kicks in I get hard pretty quickly. Struggled getting hard to fantasy when this started so that's a good sign of improvements. However I do feel guilty about fantasies, I don't want them to slow down my recovery. Even though I've come much further than I thought in this short amount of time I am aware and ready for that full recovery is a long way from here. Need to rewire more. I'm not on dating apps, and even though I am considering it I think it would be healthy for me and both my confidence and anxiety to try the old school way before going on the apps.

I hope all of you reading this stay strong. P has ruined us for far too long, it's time to give it up for good. Keep going!


Small update on my progress incoming.

Had a doll over that stayed the night last night. Drank a lot of wine, sat up and spoke about heaven and hell and didn't go to bed until 7 in the morning. I was semi hard half the night by just being close to her. Had a 'good enough' erection for sex before we slept for 3 hours, then woke up to multiple more sessions. Could see improvement in "hardness" round by round, the alcohol may have played it's part the first couple rounds, but the last one I'd say I was at maybe 90-95%. The fact that my head doesn't mess me up is so fucking satisfying, no anxiety at all, but to be fair I think that's all credit to a mix of a lot of wine and the high sex drive that decided to say hi yesterday. Not sure it'd be as successful had I been sober..

I do have one regret. I O'd all rounds. I did make up my mind to do it on beforehand, but I feel a bit guilty that I basically drained the sacks of all the energy that has been saved up for months. I successfully withheld Os during my previous encounters, and intend to maybe go 50/50, depending on how I feel the coming week. A bit scared of the aftermath, hopefully it doesn't come crashing down on me like the flatline that really fucked me up did.

I'm at more than 100 days PM free now. Some days the libido is through the roof, feel absolute no urge to M or look at P.
As I have previously mentioned, I thought I was a hard case that would take a lot of time. Seeing good improvement but still have a long way to go. Hopefully this can motivate at least one person to keep going. Just come to peace with the fact that you'll never actively seek out P ever again. Stay strong


Back for another small update. Just finished this school terms exams and caught covid just in time for christmas - impeccable timing.

Not the happiest of updates this time. Started planning a trip to Thailand with some buddies a couple weeks ago, and since boys will be boys we looked into the infamous soapy massage places. One evening I got curious and started reading some stories/experiences, which were basically soft P, and stupid as I was I actively searching up the massage studios to look at how the girls there were. Ended with me reading stories and looking at these girls in either bikinis or their birthday suit and what services they provided for a couple hours with a boner the whole time. Knew I had fucked up the next day, libido was completely gone. I wanted to test to what extent I was set back, and as it was friday I messaged a colleague I fancied, that I knew fancied me a little as well. Went to her place and we drank a couple bottles of wine before "going at it". I didn't feel the pure lust I felt in my previous encounters. Was kind of monotonous. Didn't get quite as hard either. Missionary got me there, but switching positions got me floppy. Third round I went completely soft mid sex, like the body just shut down and didn't want any part of this any more. I've been honest with all my encounters what I'm going through, mostly to take away some pressure if things like this happen. Got immediately into the mindset that I fucked up and now I have pay the price. Waste of time spending any time regretting, just learn from what has happened and make sure to not make the same mistake again. I now know that I'm quite fragile when it comes to any nudity or any form of P (e.g. stories, "housewife porn"), other than the real thing. Going hardmode for at least 2-3 more weeks to see where it gets me physically. Still no libido but woke up to a 80-90% MW today, fullest its been since the screwup.

For anyone reading this, stay for the love of god away from any form of P or P substitution. I've had absolutely no urge to M or go to P sites, but my moment of weakness of just looking at some pictures and reading some user stories will probably stall my progress by a month or more. Set goals and stick by them, no exceptions. Stay strong.
Last edited: