Beginning the journey

Archaem

New Member
Hey everyone,

I am a new member here and am beginning my journey to reboot myself. I just turned 42 years old on the 21st and I've been watching porn on and off since I was 12. But it never got serious until about 10-12 years ago. I realized I had a problem in 2016 when my marriage fell apart and my wife left me for one of my best friends. Her and I used to have a very healthy sexual relationship but I began having real problems about a year before it ended.

After that fell apart,I had a five year relationship with another woman. We also had a fairly healthy sexual relationship but her drive was high and I couldn't keep up with her so she became regularly promiscuous. I knew about it but turned the other cheek. I felt so inadequate that I turned to porn again. I regularly used porn because it was easier for me to just go there than it was for me to feel like I was not enough in bed. She was very understanding of the more often than not "limp noodle". And never gave up trying new things for me but I couldn't kick the porn.

The relationship eventually ended and I spent most of 2021 single. And watching porn regularly. At least 3x a week. But most of the time the sessions were long and drawn out and sometimes I would watch and orgasm more than once in a day.

In December of 2021, I met another woman and we hit it off better than I've ever hit it off with anyone in my life. I fell head over heels in love with her and fast too. Early on I tried to stop watching porn because I wanted very badly to please her. But by this point the ED was so bad it barely worked at all at least half the time. She became visibly frustrated with it and vocalized it many times throughout our relationship. I never left her unsatisfied but the one thing she wanted was the one thing I couldn't give her every time. I'd say I was successful 50% of the time getting hard enough to have sex and 3-4 times I got hard enough to have really good sex.

In February of this year my oldest son was killed in a car accident and this woman stood by my side through all of it. She was my rock and probably saved my life. She told me she loved me at that point and I felt like I finally had everything I ever wanted. I just couldn't stop with the porn... By April/May, the sex was so difficult that she gave up on it completely. By August we were on the rocks and we broke up in September, me with an engagement ring in my dresser drawer at the time. Now we don't even talk and she has moved on.

I am so broken right now from losing her that I've felt suicidal at times. I know I have a problem and I want to beat it. I feel so much shame and guilt and it hurts me to know that I had this perfect woman and I couldn't keep her because I couldn't perform. I don't ever want to go through this again.

Porn has destroyed my life and I realize now that I have let it happen. It's no one's fault but my own. It's given me a false image of not only women but myself as I now feel like I don't "measure up". Honestly, I'm a bit above average when fully erect 6 1/2, but limp it's embarassingly small. I guess I'm a grower not a shower. Problem is, it doesn't grow anymore. I couldn't tell you the last time I got a random hard on or woke up with morning wood.

My experience with porn has been very vanilla. Never got into anything seriously extreme. It's just that I've been doing this regularly since probably 2010 and it's been bad to where I noticed a decline in 2015. Am I too far gone to fix this? Will I ever get back to feeling like I can have a healthy sexual relationship with a significant other again? How can I feel confident when I know I can't perform? Right now, I'm nearly two weeks in without PMO, although I almost slipped up last night. I turned on a few videos and started but eventually stopped and called an old friend who came over and tried to "help me out". It worked but barely.

I know I'm an addict and I want desperately to stop. I admit I have a problem but where do I go from here? Is there still hope for me?
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Welcome @Archaem, this is a great day for you, although it might not feel like it at the moment.

Sorry you've gone through all your troubles. I get it, everyone here has a similar story (more or less), but it's healing just sharing it and being open with others. There really is hope, and you CAN get through this. I would suggest you read Your Brain on Porn to get an understanding of how this all works. And watch Gabe Deem's videos.

Best
 
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Scaliac

Member
Hi @Archaem. Sorry to hear of everything you've gone through over the years after P became an issue.
I've recently started this journey as well. I'm 60 days with no PM and 3 weeks of no O. I advise you to read up a little on the yourbrainonporn webpage, there's tons of useful information there. I thought I was a hopeless case, and I can already see some signs of recovery (mostly morning wood, something I rarely ever had before starting this), so there is absolutely hope for you. I'm currently reading the book that @Blondie mentioned, highly recommend it. Learn what triggers you and find something that can take your mind away from the urges when they arise. I don't have too many sudden cravings myself, but what I find helped for me is meditation - when fantasies pops up in my head I just instantly focus on my breathing. Stay strong.
 

Archaem

New Member
Hi @Archaem. Sorry to hear of everything you've gone through over the years after P became an issue.
I've recently started this journey as well. I'm 60 days with no PM and 3 weeks of no O. I advise you to read up a little on the yourbrainonporn webpage, there's tons of useful information there. I thought I was a hopeless case, and I can already see some signs of recovery (mostly morning wood, something I rarely ever had before starting this), so there is absolutely hope for you. I'm currently reading the book that @Blondie mentioned, highly recommend it. Learn what triggers you and find something that can take your mind away from the urges when they arise. I don't have too many sudden cravings myself, but what I find helped for me is meditation - when fantasies pops up in my head I just instantly focus on my breathing. Stay strong.
Hello Scaliac, I will definitely check out the YBOP page as I am determined to beat this. I think for me right now, I feel massive amounts of guilt and shame which ends up leading to anger. Im trying my best to not be angry but I know I did this to myself and I lost what was quite possibly the woman of my dreams because of it. I guess I could look at it the other way around and say that was a good thing because it woke me up to finally say enough is enough and not allow PMO to control me anymore. It just makes me sick to know what I have lost because of P and I want to fix this. Im not even sure how bad of a problem I have here. Im really curious to see how long it takes before I begin to get morning wood again. I wonder how long I should wait before trying to be intimate with a partner again. And if I am dating someone, should I avoid even basic fooling around? Can I do things to her? I feel clueless...
 

TealCactus

Member
Hey Archaem, to echo what everyone else has said, this is a really important day in your life, whether it feels like it or not.

I know it's hard, but do your best to encourage yourself. Sometimes the hardest person to empathize with is yourself. You've been through so much, but here you are: ready to take some action and kick this thing once and for all.

As you get started, remember that even small steps are big steps. Meditate for a minute. I'm not kidding, literally 60 seconds. And tomorrow, try two minutes. And so on. That's just an example, you could use that model for exercise, a favorite hobby, or anything that you know is going to be good for your journey. Be realistic with your goals. Don't expect yourself to be 100% a different person tomorrow. It's not realistic. But it is realistic to be, let's say, 1% a different person tomorrow. 1% closer to the man you want to be. 1% closer to freedom from PMO. 1% is a huge deal!!!

Another thing: community is HUGE for recovering from PMO. Try to find a therapist, a group of fellow PMO addicts, and/or ex-addicts. Stay active on this forum! Read about it. Watch youtube about it.

You got this!!
 

Scaliac

Member
Hello Scaliac, I will definitely check out the YBOP page as I am determined to beat this. I think for me right now, I feel massive amounts of guilt and shame which ends up leading to anger. Im trying my best to not be angry but I know I did this to myself and I lost what was quite possibly the woman of my dreams because of it. I guess I could look at it the other way around and say that was a good thing because it woke me up to finally say enough is enough and not allow PMO to control me anymore. It just makes me sick to know what I have lost because of P and I want to fix this. Im not even sure how bad of a problem I have here. Im really curious to see how long it takes before I begin to get morning wood again. I wonder how long I should wait before trying to be intimate with a partner again. And if I am dating someone, should I avoid even basic fooling around? Can I do things to her? I feel clueless...
Don't let the guilt and shame destroy you my friend. I haven't had a long term relationship since I was 18, I'm now 32, and missed out on the 'golden 20s' because of my crippling anxiety of intimacy. I fucking hate it, but I've come to peace with the fact that it cannot be undone. I have to look forward, and not let the past destroy me. Hopefully you can implement such a mindset as well, it will surely make this easier to overcome.

Just to give you a sliver of hope without fully knowing the extent of your situation: I've read tons of success stories around the different forums regarding this. Something that stood out for me was how much less time 'older' people with earlier sexual experience needed to recover. Rewiring will be an important part of the journey, at least that is my impression. Read these two articles on YBOP: rebooting - unwiring/rewiring.

Stay strong, you got this!
 

GrateClips

Active Member
Hey everyone,

I am a new member here and am beginning my journey to reboot myself. I just turned 42 years old on the 21st and I've been watching porn on and off since I was 12. But it never got serious until about 10-12 years ago. I realized I had a problem in 2016 when my marriage fell apart and my wife left me for one of my best friends. Her and I used to have a very healthy sexual relationship but I began having real problems about a year before it ended.

After that fell apart,I had a five year relationship with another woman. We also had a fairly healthy sexual relationship but her drive was high and I couldn't keep up with her so she became regularly promiscuous. I knew about it but turned the other cheek. I felt so inadequate that I turned to porn again. I regularly used porn because it was easier for me to just go there than it was for me to feel like I was not enough in bed. She was very understanding of the more often than not "limp noodle". And never gave up trying new things for me but I couldn't kick the porn.

The relationship eventually ended and I spent most of 2021 single. And watching porn regularly. At least 3x a week. But most of the time the sessions were long and drawn out and sometimes I would watch and orgasm more than once in a day.

In December of 2021, I met another woman and we hit it off better than I've ever hit it off with anyone in my life. I fell head over heels in love with her and fast too. Early on I tried to stop watching porn because I wanted very badly to please her. But by this point the ED was so bad it barely worked at all at least half the time. She became visibly frustrated with it and vocalized it many times throughout our relationship. I never left her unsatisfied but the one thing she wanted was the one thing I couldn't give her every time. I'd say I was successful 50% of the time getting hard enough to have sex and 3-4 times I got hard enough to have really good sex.

In February of this year my oldest son was killed in a car accident and this woman stood by my side through all of it. She was my rock and probably saved my life. She told me she loved me at that point and I felt like I finally had everything I ever wanted. I just couldn't stop with the porn... By April/May, the sex was so difficult that she gave up on it completely. By August we were on the rocks and we broke up in September, me with an engagement ring in my dresser drawer at the time. Now we don't even talk and she has moved on.

I am so broken right now from losing her that I've felt suicidal at times. I know I have a problem and I want to beat it. I feel so much shame and guilt and it hurts me to know that I had this perfect woman and I couldn't keep her because I couldn't perform. I don't ever want to go through this again.

Porn has destroyed my life and I realize now that I have let it happen. It's no one's fault but my own. It's given me a false image of not only women but myself as I now feel like I don't "measure up". Honestly, I'm a bit above average when fully erect 6 1/2, but limp it's embarassingly small. I guess I'm a grower not a shower. Problem is, it doesn't grow anymore. I couldn't tell you the last time I got a random hard on or woke up with morning wood.

My experience with porn has been very vanilla. Never got into anything seriously extreme. It's just that I've been doing this regularly since probably 2010 and it's been bad to where I noticed a decline in 2015. Am I too far gone to fix this? Will I ever get back to feeling like I can have a healthy sexual relationship with a significant other again? How can I feel confident when I know I can't perform? Right now, I'm nearly two weeks in without PMO, although I almost slipped up last night. I turned on a few videos and started but eventually stopped and called an old friend who came over and tried to "help me out". It worked but barely.

I know I'm an addict and I want desperately to stop. I admit I have a problem but where do I go from here? Is there still hope for me?

that must have been difficult to share. I can tell you I think there is hope for me even if you don't feel hope for yourself. I often feel the same way myself but others tell me that there is hope for me. I think its natural as a human being to experience self doubt .

how often were you masturbating during all those years between your marriage and those two relationships you had in 2021?

and actually without knowing you but seeing a lot of the stories in the 40+ forum, I believe a lot of our sexual problems with erections are not just from dec'd desire from PMO, but also because over time we feel weight from emotional baggage and issues we have from our lives whether in present and/or past.
 
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