Rain2000
Member
Where to start?
I am 42yo and have been addicted PMO / MO since my early teens, making this a thirty year struggle so far. Jesus, writing that down makes me realise just how much of my life I’ve already given over to this thing.
I went six months PMO free from Jan to July this year, then I relapsed. During that time, I was using MO constantly. I now fully and completely recognise that I have been using PMO/MO as a way of medicating my unresolved issues and have been doing this for thirty years. Although I could consider the six months PMO free as a failure, I believe that I am wiser for it and am now better equipped with self-knowledge.
Between July and Sep, I used PMO a few times, but nothing like before. I did however, use MO a lot. I have now been PMO free for about a month or so and currently don’t feel threatened by PMO - it doesn’t feel like a path that I’ll go down again, but I’m not stupid or complacent.
I have only been MO free for about a week, maybe two. This is the real challenge for me. I have come to realise that I have used PMO and MO every single time I felt a negative emotion for the past thirty years. Lonely = PMO. Anxious = PMO. Sad = PMO. Angry = PMO. Conflict = PMO. Over the past twelve months or so, that gradually changed into just MO - but it was still the same cycle of medicating emotional pain. Hungover = MO. Can't sleep at night = MO. Argument with my wife = MO. Stress at work = MO.
I know that MO is now my enemy for the foreseeable future. That might change one day, but for now, I have to avoid it at all costs.
I am still having sex with my wife, usually between one and three times a month on average, sometimes more, sometimes less. I don’t suffer with PIED but I do suffer P induced PE, which sucks and has had a hugely negative impact on my self-esteem and overall wellbeing. When we first met, my addiction to PMO disappeared and the sex was great. Then MO crept back in and then so did PMO and then the PE was back and since then, I have felt awful. When I have sex with my wife, I am not thinking about porn or other women or anything like that, I'm just in the moment and then I'm fiercely fighting the PE.
I have been suffering with horrendous anxiety for about 15 months or so which is exactly when I started to get real about kicking PMO. Unfortunately, this anxiety has manifested itself into relationship anxiety and I have become a terrible husband, constantly suspicious and untrusting of my wife, constantly asking her questions and making her feel like she’s under the microscope. Consequently, our relationship has suffered, she’s become emotionally distant from me.
She doesn’t know about my addiction but does know that I’ve been suffering with anxiety. I have a complicated childhood (don’t we all!) so there are genuine unresolved issues as to why I feel the way I do (worthless, unlovable, bad etc) which she understands. I have started using a counsellor who knows everything. She is very keen for me to overcome the issues in my past and feels this is the key to moving forwards and eliminating the anxiety, along with CBT type techniques.
It's also worth noting that about five years ago I tried to quit and went about three months. Just after that I suffered with terrible health anxiety - it completely overtook my life and I needed CBT to combat it. Now I know that it was triggered by the break in PMO.
Although I feel more competent and knowledgeable than I ever have, I am not feeling very positive. I think this is because a future without PMO or MO seems dull and empty. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to get the 'real me' back - but I'm not even sure who the real me is. I am sure this is just withdrawal from the dopamine but it feels very real. I started taking Sertraline two weeks ago - it’s the first time I’ve ever taken anything like this - I am hoping it will help.
I am desperately looking for new ways to manage stress and negative emotions because my default has always been PMO/MO. I feel like if I can find successful ways to manage stress, anxiety, anger and so on, then when I add in you guys and the counselling, I can surley overcome this.
I am 42yo and have been addicted PMO / MO since my early teens, making this a thirty year struggle so far. Jesus, writing that down makes me realise just how much of my life I’ve already given over to this thing.
I went six months PMO free from Jan to July this year, then I relapsed. During that time, I was using MO constantly. I now fully and completely recognise that I have been using PMO/MO as a way of medicating my unresolved issues and have been doing this for thirty years. Although I could consider the six months PMO free as a failure, I believe that I am wiser for it and am now better equipped with self-knowledge.
Between July and Sep, I used PMO a few times, but nothing like before. I did however, use MO a lot. I have now been PMO free for about a month or so and currently don’t feel threatened by PMO - it doesn’t feel like a path that I’ll go down again, but I’m not stupid or complacent.
I have only been MO free for about a week, maybe two. This is the real challenge for me. I have come to realise that I have used PMO and MO every single time I felt a negative emotion for the past thirty years. Lonely = PMO. Anxious = PMO. Sad = PMO. Angry = PMO. Conflict = PMO. Over the past twelve months or so, that gradually changed into just MO - but it was still the same cycle of medicating emotional pain. Hungover = MO. Can't sleep at night = MO. Argument with my wife = MO. Stress at work = MO.
I know that MO is now my enemy for the foreseeable future. That might change one day, but for now, I have to avoid it at all costs.
I am still having sex with my wife, usually between one and three times a month on average, sometimes more, sometimes less. I don’t suffer with PIED but I do suffer P induced PE, which sucks and has had a hugely negative impact on my self-esteem and overall wellbeing. When we first met, my addiction to PMO disappeared and the sex was great. Then MO crept back in and then so did PMO and then the PE was back and since then, I have felt awful. When I have sex with my wife, I am not thinking about porn or other women or anything like that, I'm just in the moment and then I'm fiercely fighting the PE.
I have been suffering with horrendous anxiety for about 15 months or so which is exactly when I started to get real about kicking PMO. Unfortunately, this anxiety has manifested itself into relationship anxiety and I have become a terrible husband, constantly suspicious and untrusting of my wife, constantly asking her questions and making her feel like she’s under the microscope. Consequently, our relationship has suffered, she’s become emotionally distant from me.
She doesn’t know about my addiction but does know that I’ve been suffering with anxiety. I have a complicated childhood (don’t we all!) so there are genuine unresolved issues as to why I feel the way I do (worthless, unlovable, bad etc) which she understands. I have started using a counsellor who knows everything. She is very keen for me to overcome the issues in my past and feels this is the key to moving forwards and eliminating the anxiety, along with CBT type techniques.
It's also worth noting that about five years ago I tried to quit and went about three months. Just after that I suffered with terrible health anxiety - it completely overtook my life and I needed CBT to combat it. Now I know that it was triggered by the break in PMO.
Although I feel more competent and knowledgeable than I ever have, I am not feeling very positive. I think this is because a future without PMO or MO seems dull and empty. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to get the 'real me' back - but I'm not even sure who the real me is. I am sure this is just withdrawal from the dopamine but it feels very real. I started taking Sertraline two weeks ago - it’s the first time I’ve ever taken anything like this - I am hoping it will help.
I am desperately looking for new ways to manage stress and negative emotions because my default has always been PMO/MO. I feel like if I can find successful ways to manage stress, anxiety, anger and so on, then when I add in you guys and the counselling, I can surley overcome this.
