Thirty years of self-medicating with PMO and MO - it stops now

Rain2000

Member
Wow! EXTREME anxiety over the last few days. Overwhelming feelings of dread, fear and worry - it's awful.

I have never been able to see so clearly, just how reliant I was on using PMO and MO to medicate and relieve anxiety. Now that MO and PMO has gone, I feel like the pressure valve has been shut off. I'm scared that my mind will just break! The scary thing is, that I also know that for me, the genie is well and truly out the bottle, meaning that even if I did go back to PMO or MO, it wouldn't have the same effect. I have exposed this terrible emotional pain that needs to be healed but the one tried and tested way of making myself better is now off the menu permanently!
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
I have never been able to see so clearly, just how reliant I was on using PMO and MO to medicate and relieve anxiety. Now that MO and PMO has gone, I feel like the pressure valve has been shut off. I'm scared that my mind will just break!
I know exactly how this feels. But think of it another way: PMO and MO aren't a pressure valve. They're like pouring water on a single burning tree when the forest continues to be engulfed in flames. Fapping to porn is a ridiculous, grotesque, and disturbing way to deal with stress or solve your problems. And guess what? It does fuck all to help you. It won't be easy, but you'll need to find new and more positive ways to deal with that emotional pain.
 

Rain2000

Member
Day 70 - PMO
Day 48 - MO

I haven't been on here for a good long while, mainly because things have been 'okay'. Sure there's been some tough days but nothing that made me think I might relapse... until today.

Last night I went to Christmas party where I didn't know the majority of the people. I stupidly got blind drunk, absolutely steaming.

Today, as you'd imagine, I'm wrecked with a hangover and full of awful regret and anxiety. This is EXACTLY when I would turn to PMO or MO to soothe the pain.

I'm going to stay strong. I didn't realise that It's been almost 50 days since I had MO - that is a BIG deal for me. I won't give up. I will fight.

On a positive note, I've been receiving EMDR therapy regularly now for a very specific anxiety issue but also challenging some of my faulty core self beliefs. The therapy is excellent. I would recommend anyone who is dealing with addiction/compulsion to look into if they can.

This video sums it up perfectly for me.

 
Where to start?

I am 42yo and have been addicted PMO / MO since my early teens, making this a thirty year struggle so far. Jesus, writing that down makes me realise just how much of my life I’ve already given over to this thing.

I went six months PMO free from Jan to July this year, then I relapsed. During that time, I was using MO constantly. I now fully and completely recognise that I have been using PMO/MO as a way of medicating my unresolved issues and have been doing this for thirty years. Although I could consider the six months PMO free as a failure, I believe that I am wiser for it and am now better equipped with self-knowledge.

Between July and Sep, I used PMO a few times, but nothing like before. I did however, use MO a lot. I have now been PMO free for about a month or so and currently don’t feel threatened by PMO - it doesn’t feel like a path that I’ll go down again, but I’m not stupid or complacent.

I have only been MO free for about a week, maybe two. This is the real challenge for me. I have come to realise that I have used PMO and MO every single time I felt a negative emotion for the past thirty years. Lonely = PMO. Anxious = PMO. Sad = PMO. Angry = PMO. Conflict = PMO. Over the past twelve months or so, that gradually changed into just MO - but it was still the same cycle of medicating emotional pain. Hungover = MO. Can't sleep at night = MO. Argument with my wife = MO. Stress at work = MO.

I know that MO is now my enemy for the foreseeable future. That might change one day, but for now, I have to avoid it at all costs.

I am still having sex with my wife, usually between one and three times a month on average, sometimes more, sometimes less. I don’t suffer with PIED but I do suffer P induced PE, which sucks and has had a hugely negative impact on my self-esteem and overall wellbeing. When we first met, my addiction to PMO disappeared and the sex was great. Then MO crept back in and then so did PMO and then the PE was back and since then, I have felt awful. When I have sex with my wife, I am not thinking about porn or other women or anything like that, I'm just in the moment and then I'm fiercely fighting the PE.

I have been suffering with horrendous anxiety for about 15 months or so which is exactly when I started to get real about kicking PMO. Unfortunately, this anxiety has manifested itself into relationship anxiety and I have become a terrible husband, constantly suspicious and untrusting of my wife, constantly asking her questions and making her feel like she’s under the microscope. Consequently, our relationship has suffered, she’s become emotionally distant from me.

She doesn’t know about my addiction but does know that I’ve been suffering with anxiety. I have a complicated childhood (don’t we all!) so there are genuine unresolved issues as to why I feel the way I do (worthless, unlovable, bad etc) which she understands. I have started using a counsellor who knows everything. She is very keen for me to overcome the issues in my past and feels this is the key to moving forwards and eliminating the anxiety, along with CBT type techniques.

It's also worth noting that about five years ago I tried to quit and went about three months. Just after that I suffered with terrible health anxiety - it completely overtook my life and I needed CBT to combat it. Now I know that it was triggered by the break in PMO.

Although I feel more competent and knowledgeable than I ever have, I am not feeling very positive. I think this is because a future without PMO or MO seems dull and empty. Don't get me wrong, I can't wait to get the 'real me' back - but I'm not even sure who the real me is. I am sure this is just withdrawal from the dopamine but it feels very real. I started taking Sertraline two weeks ago - it’s the first time I’ve ever taken anything like this - I am hoping it will help.

I am desperately looking for new ways to manage stress and negative emotions because my default has always been PMO/MO. I feel like if I can find successful ways to manage stress, anxiety, anger and so on, then when I add in you guys and the counselling, I can surley overcome this.
Why don't you open up to her. She's your wife. Tell how watching porn has affected your sex life and manhood. She's going to be of a great help for you to stop this for good. PMO is very strong when it's secretive but the moment you let it trust me you will fill Free that same hour. She's your wife you trust then open up to her. If she's was the addicted and told what will you do help to to get medication and help her stop it right. Just open up to her if you really love her and it will really help kill the addiction then it will 2 of you against the PMO.
 

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
This video sums it up perfectly for me.
Yes, this is an excellent video. I'm in therapy at the moment (and have been before), and have learned that childhood trauma - or unpleasant experiences as a child and teenager - does a lot of damage and can essentially lay a subconscious foundation for an addiction.
 
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