You're as strong as you wanna be.

1st post.

Im 27 and I've been using porn since Im 16. Eleven years... Wow, I just shocked myself with that fact.
There was periods where I stopped using. I was on the way to recovery multiple times.
It would last for a few months, but then I would slip back into the old habit.

My first attempt to stop happened by accident. My laptop and my phone died at the same time.
After a month witout electronic devices I started feeleing better so I decided not to buy new ones.
I started excercising, meditating, reading. I felt alive for the first time. I was getting hooked on that feeling.
I spent about a year mostly without internet. The happiest time of my life!

Then due to starting a degree in psychology I had to get a laptop. That was three years ago.
When I look back now, I realize that's the point where I started to spiral downwards again. Slowly... On a slippery sloap.
In the beginning my internet use was small. I had no appetite for it. I was actually disguisted by using it so I kept it to a minimum.
I had no interest in porn at all. I had liberated myself from that in the year past.

Yet, the more I used the internet the bigger my cravings became, creating a vicious self-perpetuating cycle.
I began spending hours and hours in front of the computer watching youtube, watching movies.
It felt increasingly difficult to control my urges. And at some point the cravings became so strong that I simply gave in.

How foolish it was of me to think that I could eliminate the Beast within me. I exiled that part of myself insted of giving it an honorable place.
I had removed the bagage from my life, but I missed to replace it with something better.
I completely lacked intimate relationship. I had no girlfriend, no love, no sex.
I was by myself, lonely and frustrated.

It wouldnt be long till I got back to porn and the warm familiarity it made me feel during the years past.
The gates of Hell were open once more and the Beast was coming back in force to take its throne and rule over my life.
After every use, I'd feel ashamed and promise myself I wouldnt do it again and would abstinate for a while.
I didnt realize, that absination and recovery werent the same things.
Of course I didnt stop. I used again, and again and again. With every time the promises meant less.
The shame dissipated and the self-critical voice became quieter. It got worse. And then I gave up on myself.
No more excecise, no reding, no social life, no creative hobbies.

My cravings had become more perverse than ever before.
I am at that point, where Im so overfed that porn doesnt stimulate my brain anymore. I have slight ED.
Watching porn actually bores me now, but I still do it compulsively.
Before, I could lose myself in it, but now when I watch it I am conscious of myself doing it.
And what I see myself become isnt pretty at all. So long I have internet acces I will always be at risk of seeking porn.

I want a better life for myself! I am angry! I want to cut all the cables and smash my laptop against the wall and live!
This was a much needed outpour. My recovery has started now!
Day 7

Todays lessons:

- You have to understand your enemy in order to be victorious.
- Building something is difficult and takes time.
- Destruction is quick and easy.
- Reason alone is not enough to resist temptation.
- Always be prepared, because you don't know, when your moment of weakness will come.
- Tools increase your scope of action.

I've made some progress. I went without porn for a week.
In that time I've learned a few things about my addiction.
That's good I guess. "Know your enemy" - Sun Tzu said.

I installed Cold Turkey, a program to block specific websites on my PC.
Whenever I got a craving I remebered that this program was in efffect.
That stoped me from going on a porn site. It's a usefull tool.

Yet the need to release some tension was still there.
So I went to the bathroom instead and helped myself out.
I felt almost proud of myself afterwards.

I realized, my brain associates porn with intense pleasure and it seeks new ways to get to the porn.
But it's actually not the porn my brain wants. It's the pleasure.
And slowly my brain is realizing, that it can get the same pleasure without the porn, by other means.

Today is a holliday in my country.
I was home alone and the block I set on my PC expired, because I set it only for one week.
Sitting there in front of the PC, seeing the block expired triggered me.
Technically I was able to watch porn again. So, it made me think...

I could hear two voices in my mind fighting for my attention.
The first was telling me: "Don't do it. You're trying to live a better life. An you've already made some progress. So don't destroy your week of success with one hour of short meaningless pleasure. You'll regret it."
And then the second voice - sweet as honey - was telling me: "Aah, come on. You've been disciplined for a whole week. You deserve some pleasure. It's OK. It's just this one time. It's really not a big deal. Go ahead. Have some fun."

I couldn't resist. The voice of Temptation was like a force of nature.
Like a strong current carrying you of onto open sea.
You try to fight it, but the coast is growing increasingly distant.
And at some point the reasons that kept me from giving in were no longer strong enough.

I felt weak. And I did my Temptation's bidding. I had fun.
But the voice of Reason had told the truth. I did regret it in the end.
Last edited:
Day 5

Lots of anger boiling up. I try to pour it into my work. 😤📝
Have more discipline. Gaining momentum. Feeling strong.⏱️🔥💪
I'm breaking through!👊💥
I like my new self. 😉
Next goal: reintroducing calisthenics into my routine.


Active Member
Hi amtunja5j.
congrats on your latest streak up and keep up the good work.

I relapsed about 6 months ago and since then masturbation has been a part of my life again till I started my process of being in recovery again 2 days ago. I was at nearly 600 hundred days before I relapsed and during that time I did not masturbate.
I am wondering if maybe considering trying to avoid giving in to feelings of sorting yourself out may be beneficial?

Just my 2 cents.
Day 24

I haven't masturbated at all in the past two weeks.
My thought are much clearer since.
I am hyper alert though.
Last few days I've had problems falling asleep.
And I wake up 3 to 5 hours afterwards, usually immediatelly after a REM phase, after I had a dream.

Other than that I am meditating a lot and becoming more proficient in taming myself.
Day 30

Abstaining from masturbation really does it for me.
Experiencing so much self-control has made me more confident and optimistic.
Meditation is becoming an increasingly important part of my life.

Also my sleep is getting better again.
I realized, I should not eat late in the evening, and exercise stimulates sleep hormones.
Day 36

I stopped masturbation for good.
I realize I don't need it.
I'm am in control of my erection.

My lifestyle is getting better with every day.
I feel confident, that I will achieve something great with my life.
Day 64

Since I've stopped masturbating, I didn't drink alcohol or eat sugar either.

Over the hollidays I visited family.
My family didn't appreciate the new lifestyle at all.

I got rude comments and was mocked for not taking part in their drinking and eating.
I felt somewhat confused.

I thought I was finally on a good path.
Yet there I was being criticized.

Now I am back home.
I am reflecting upon the visit.
It makes me angry.
I am very disappointed in my family.

I appreciate being alone:
Here I don't have to explain myself to anybody.
I have a system.
I like to discover myself through my work.
And I respect myself.
Day 71

Wow, I didn't know I could do this.
I fell like a changed man.
I want to keep going in this direction.
Excellence, here I come.
Day 87

I feel good.

I have just finished my degree and I am excited aboout the future to come.
I have been exercising regularly, eating well, reading a lot of books and meeting a lot of new people.
I've had enlightening conversations with men twice my age.
I've been flirting with very attractive women, women I wouldn't dare look at before.
And now I am talking to them, showing interesst in who they are an what they like, being playful even funny, making dem giggle and blush.
I still can't believe that I am able to exude that kind of sexappeal.
I find this tranformation astonishing: from the pathetic boy I was to the confident man I am now.
All of that after not even three months of abstinence.

I've made some research into neuroscience to understand these effects better.
It seems that due to abstaining from dopamine-releasing stimulation I am increasing the amount of dopamine within my brain cells.
This then increases overall activation of the brain, leading to stronger drive, better concentration and learning.
The downside to that I become more prone to aggression, my libido has skyrocketed and I am way to alert to sleep normally.
I don't know yet how to deal with that, how to decrease the dopamine level without going back to the old way of life and the old stimuli.

Anybody here with experience in neuroscience who can correct me and give me advice to my problem?
Day 134

I had wild week.
Been traveling around Europe with a friend.
Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll, basically.

I'm starting to come down again.
I might have a short depression after such a high.
Please, wish me luck guys!
Day 121

The traveling last week was very exciting.
It definitelly opened me up more to life.
It raised my dopamine baseline aswell.
I realized that as soon as I came back to my everyday routine.
Nothing I did at home was "enough".
I felt some kind of "emptiness".
I had a big craving for more excitement.
More Action! More! More! Morreee!

I've been socializing a lot since then.
I am seeing a few women parallely.
Making a lot of new friends.
I am even planing a party.

I am eating a lot of sugar though.
Lots of sugar and fat.
Not very healthy, I know.
But I crave it so much.

No cravings for masturbation, interestingly enough.
I think I'm done with that.
Never gonna mastrubate again.

But I crave cigarettes at the moment.
I smoked while traveling.
That also spiked my dopamine.
And a week ago I had to stop smoking cold trukey once again.
Really not pleasant. So there's that problem aswell.
I am still searching for a solution on how to stop smoking for good and never start again.

I thought I would feel a low after such a high.
But I didnt really have a depressive episode.
Except for the fatigue the first two days after return.
I slept a lot. Like 14 hours every night. Crazy!

I am feeling a bit more impulsive, a bit more talkative than usual.
But no frustration, no aggression.
I am really cool. Cool like a cucumber.

I am slowly returning to healthier habits.
I've started excercizing 5 days ago.
I do some excercize every morning.
I think it lifts my testosterone.
I feel more confident during the day.
If I do it in the morning, the habit kind of reinforces itself.
It's the first big thing I do after waking and I really like it.
I always had trouble motivating myself to do evening workouts.

I had some trouble concentrating on my studies though.
I am a bit worried about that. My studies are still important to me.
Yet I start feeling restless more quickly, when I sit in the library for a few hours.
I guess this will go away as soon as my brain resensitizes to a lower/normal dopamine baseline.
I think I should go on some kind of a "fast" in order to speed things up.
No sweets. Nothing too greasy. No wild parties. For at least 2 weeks
My health and my studies could use the improvement.

I need to take more care of myself.

That's it from me.
Over and out.
Day 186

Last weekend I went to a nightclub, drank a lot and danced like mad.
I just wanted to somehow dull my mind and lose myself.

It didn't work though. While dancing I kept aksing myself: "Why am I even here?"
You know this feeling? When you are not where you wanna be and everything seems like a farce?

I realized at that point that I wasn't doing myself a favor by staying there.
So I left early and went home to my bed.
Best decision. It felt like such a relief and I slept like a baby.

Next morning I felt a little worn out, but I didn't feel the shame or guilt that I would usually get after such a night.
Usually I would cry and wallow in self-pitty after such an excess.
Not this time though.

This time I felt relaxed and determined, because I had made an important realisation.
I went to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror and... I smiled. : )
I was amused by myself. I had to laugh! haha
And then I said to myself: "Dude... You are a grown man. It's time to stop this juvenile nonsense. Go find a good woman."
Day 201

I realize now, why my past attempts to get clean had failed.
And I also realize, why my current attempt will not succeed, but has already succeeded.

In the past I thought quiting was hard; was an act of willpower.
I was trying to hold miself back from an impulse that seemed inevitable.
Basically I was just waiting for my moment of weakness.

Now I see that quiting was not hard at all.
It was actually the easiest thing in the world.
I just had to change my mind.
I just hat to decide: "I'm no longer doing this. That's not me."

I didn't notice any withdrawal symptoms.
There was no depression, no anxiety.
On the contrary, I found new energy and confidence.

And with this newly found energy I tackled greater and more important tasks in life.
I kept busy, so I couldn't think of any cravings even if I wanted to.
My mind was somewhere else entirely.

But I couldn't stay busy for ever.
One day as I sat by myself not knowing what to do, I got a strong craving.
I was having a moment of weakness.

Thoughts and images of my former habits came to mind.
I wanted to do it.
I wanted to relapse!

And you know what?
I couldn't to it.
There was the realm of banal pleasures just one click away.
And I simply couldn't do it.

There is this invisible barrier now, burried deep inside my soul, holding me back.

I am healed.
I no longer fear.
Now I believe...
Day 282

I've stopped with the one night stands.
I haven't had sex since may.

Right now I am spending the holidays on the mediterranean coast.
Lots of pretty women in summer dresses around me.
The heat and the physical activity make my hormones boil.
Women are actually throwing themselves at me.
An yet I reject them every time.

Something unusual is happening to me.
I no longer want to have sex...

This abstinence has raised my libido beyond sexual desire and transformed it into the desire for deeper consciousness and tighter integration of my own self.

Even the idea of orgasm seems repulsive now.
Orgasm is darkness, is blindess, is weakness...

Greetings to anybody reading this.
I hope, you're alright.


Day 282

I've stopped with the one night stands.
I haven't had sex since may.

Right now I am spending the holidays on the mediterranean coast.
Lots of pretty women in summer dresses around me.
The heat and the physical activity make my hormones boil.
Women are actually throwing themselves at me.
An yet I reject them every time.

Something unusual is happening to me.
I no longer want to have sex...

This abstinence has raised my libido beyond sexual desire and transformed it into the desire for deeper consciousness and tighter integration of my own self.

Even the idea of orgasm seems repulsive now.
Orgasm is darkness, is blindess, is weakness...

Greetings to anybody reading this.
I hope, you're alright.
You sound like a candidate for Taoist lovemaking.😁