You're as strong as you wanna be.

1st post.

Im 27 and I've been using porn since Im 16. Eleven years... Wow, I just shocked myself with that fact.
There was periods where I stopped using. I was on the way to recovery multiple times.
It would last for a few months, but then I would slip back into the old habit.

My first attempt to stop happened by accident. My laptop and my phone died at the same time.
After a month witout electronic devices I started feeleing better so I decided not to buy new ones.
I started excercising, meditating, reading. I felt alive for the first time. I was getting hooked on that feeling.
I spent about a year mostly without internet. The happiest time of my life!

Then due to starting a degree in psychology I had to get a laptop. That was three years ago.
When I look back now, I realize that's the point where I started to spiral downwards again. Slowly... On a slippery sloap.
In the beginning my internet use was small. I had no appetite for it. I was actually disguisted by using it so I kept it to a minimum.
I had no interest in porn at all. I had liberated myself from that in the year past.

Yet, the more I used the internet the bigger my cravings became, creating a vicious self-perpetuating cycle.
I began spending hours and hours in front of the computer watching youtube, watching movies.
It felt increasingly difficult to control my urges. And at some point the cravings became so strong that I simply gave in.

How foolish it was of me to think that I could eliminate the Beast within me. I exiled that part of myself insted of giving it an honorable place.
I had removed the bagage from my life, but I missed to replace it with something better.
I completely lacked intimate relationship. I had no girlfriend, no love, no sex.
I was by myself, lonely and frustrated.

It wouldnt be long till I got back to porn and the warm familiarity it made me feel during the years past.
The gates of Hell were open once more and the Beast was coming back in force to take its throne and rule over my life.
After every use, I'd feel ashamed and promise myself I wouldnt do it again and would abstinate for a while.
I didnt realize, that absination and recovery werent the same things.
Of course I didnt stop. I used again, and again and again. With every time the promises meant less.
The shame dissipated and the self-critical voice became quieter. It got worse. And then I gave up on myself.
No more excecise, no reding, no social life, no creative hobbies.

My cravings had become more perverse than ever before.
I am at that point, where Im so overfed that porn doesnt stimulate my brain anymore. I have slight ED.
Watching porn actually bores me now, but I still do it compulsively.
Before, I could lose myself in it, but now when I watch it I am conscious of myself doing it.
And what I see myself become isnt pretty at all. So long I have internet acces I will always be at risk of seeking porn.

I want a better life for myself! I am angry! I want to cut all the cables and smash my laptop against the wall and live!
This was a much needed outpour. My recovery has started now!
 
Day 7

Todays lessons:

- You have to understand your enemy in order to be victorious.
- Building something is difficult and takes time.
- Destruction is quick and easy.
- Reason alone is not enough to resist temptation.
- Always be prepared, because you don't know, when your moment of weakness will come.
- Tools increase your scope of action.


I've made some progress. I went without porn for a week.
In that time I've learned a few things about my addiction.
That's good I guess. "Know your enemy" - Sun Tzu said.

I installed Cold Turkey, a program to block specific websites on my PC.
Whenever I got a craving I remebered that this program was in efffect.
That stoped me from going on a porn site. It's a usefull tool.

Yet the need to release some tension was still there.
So I went to the bathroom instead and helped myself out.
I felt almost proud of myself afterwards.

I realized, my brain associates porn with intense pleasure and it seeks new ways to get to the porn.
But it's actually not the porn my brain wants. It's the pleasure.
And slowly my brain is realizing, that it can get the same pleasure without the porn, by other means.

Today is a holliday in my country.
I was home alone and the block I set on my PC expired, because I set it only for one week.
Sitting there in front of the PC, seeing the block expired triggered me.
Technically I was able to watch porn again. So, it made me think...

I could hear two voices in my mind fighting for my attention.
The first was telling me: "Don't do it. You're trying to live a better life. An you've already made some progress. So don't destroy your week of success with one hour of short meaningless pleasure. You'll regret it."
And then the second voice - sweet as honey - was telling me: "Aah, come on. You've been disciplined for a whole week. You deserve some pleasure. It's OK. It's just this one time. It's really not a big deal. Go ahead. Have some fun."

I couldn't resist. The voice of Temptation was like a force of nature.
Like a strong current carrying you of onto open sea.
You try to fight it, but the coast is growing increasingly distant.
And at some point the reasons that kept me from giving in were no longer strong enough.

I felt weak. And I did my Temptation's bidding. I had fun.
But the voice of Reason had told the truth. I did regret it in the end.
 
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Day 5

Lots of anger boiling up. I try to pour it into my work. 😤📝
Have more discipline. Gaining momentum. Feeling strong.⏱️🔥💪
I'm breaking through!👊💥
I like my new self. 😉
Next goal: reintroducing calisthenics into my routine.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Hi amtunja5j.
congrats on your latest streak up and keep up the good work.

I relapsed about 6 months ago and since then masturbation has been a part of my life again till I started my process of being in recovery again 2 days ago. I was at nearly 600 hundred days before I relapsed and during that time I did not masturbate.
I am wondering if maybe considering trying to avoid giving in to feelings of sorting yourself out may be beneficial?

Just my 2 cents.
 
Day 24

I haven't masturbated at all in the past two weeks.
My thought are much clearer since.
I am hyper alert though.
Last few days I've had problems falling asleep.
And I wake up 3 to 5 hours afterwards, usually immediatelly after a REM phase, after I had a dream.


Other than that I am meditating a lot and becoming more proficient in taming myself.
 
Day 30

Abstaining from masturbation really does it for me.
Experiencing so much self-control has made me more confident and optimistic.
Meditation is becoming an increasingly important part of my life.

Also my sleep is getting better again.
I realized, I should not eat late in the evening, and exercise stimulates sleep hormones.
 
Day 36

I stopped masturbation for good.
I realize I don't need it.
I'm am in control of my erection.

My lifestyle is getting better with every day.
I feel confident, that I will achieve something great with my life.
 
Day 64

Since I've stopped masturbating, I didn't drink alcohol or eat sugar either.

Over the hollidays I visited family.
My family didn't appreciate the new lifestyle at all.

I got rude comments and was mocked for not taking part in their drinking and eating.
I felt somewhat confused.

I thought I was finally on a good path.
Yet there I was being criticized.

Now I am back home.
I am reflecting upon the visit.
It makes me angry.
I am very disappointed in my family.

I appreciate being alone:
Here I don't have to explain myself to anybody.
I have a system.
I like to discover myself through my work.
And I respect myself.
 
Day 71

Wow, I didn't know I could do this.
I fell like a changed man.
I want to keep going in this direction.
Excellence, here I come.
 
Day 87

I feel good.

I have just finished my degree and I am excited aboout the future to come.
I have been exercising regularly, eating well, reading a lot of books and meeting a lot of new people.
I've had enlightening conversations with men twice my age.
I've been flirting with very attractive women, women I wouldn't dare look at before.
And now I am talking to them, showing interesst in who they are an what they like, being playful even funny, making dem giggle and blush.
I still can't believe that I am able to exude that kind of sexappeal.
I find this tranformation astonishing: from the pathetic boy I was to the confident man I am now.
All of that after not even three months of abstinence.

I've made some research into neuroscience to understand these effects better.
It seems that due to abstaining from dopamine-releasing stimulation I am increasing the amount of dopamine within my brain cells.
This then increases overall activation of the brain, leading to stronger drive, better concentration and learning.
The downside to that I become more prone to aggression, my libido has skyrocketed and I am way to alert to sleep normally.
I don't know yet how to deal with that, how to decrease the dopamine level without going back to the old way of life and the old stimuli.

Anybody here with experience in neuroscience who can correct me and give me advice to my problem?
 
Day 95

I realize now that throughout my past I have built into myself this pattern of bad behaviors and thoughts.
It is not just pornography and substance missuse, it is also the complete mentality that went along it: my attitude towards myself, my future and the people around me: the doubt, the distrust, the negativity.

This body of patterns is like a monster.
Might sound wierd but I really do imagine it in a mythological way: like a fat, all-devouring, tyrranical and beast-like creature, that lives at the bottom of a damp cave; that has anthralled me into servitude and demands me to appease it by sacrifices unless I wish to be terrorised.
Yeah, I've built into myself a big fucking monster.

I no longer sacrificy my time and potential to that thing.
I still hear it occasionally scream from the depths for MORE.
Yet everytime I deny it, it grows weaker.
I am gonna starve that fucker out.
And I know that eventually it is going to die.


I see now how irrational it was of me to be scared of an IDEA that I myself have created. hahahah
 
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