I feel tense.
I see my inner Self stretching and tightening.
I watch coldly as it is being crucified between the poles of desire and pleasure.
I observe the suffering within me, as if it were not mine, as if it were an object seperate of me.
And, as I watch closely it dissipates, under the soothing touch of cosmic love.
It began with me daydreaming of myself floating on the sea.
I was lying naked on its surface with eyes closed.
The sea was deep and dark.
I could not see its bottom.
Mild waves pushed me up and down.
Imagining this movement instilled me with a trusting calmness.
It loosened my ego's grip over my behaviour, my thinking and feeling.
Then - black as night - graceful female hands started reaching out of the sea.
They enveloped me and held me in a pleasant way.
They touched me in all the good spots.
It felt sensual and I relaxed even more.
Then their grip started tightening and one of the hands bore its long delicate nails into my forehead, ripped open the skin and flesh to reveal a big bulging eye...
Only then I realized there was light everywhere above the sea.
This image is stuck in my head and I've been contemplating it intensively for the past ten days or so.
In this time I mentally isolated myself from other people.
I was still socially active, but I mostly kept silent when in company.
I withdrew into my inner dialogue and I could not even share what I was going through.
These thoughts truly are strange.
They are non-linear, circular, paradoxical even.
They do not seem to make any sense and yet they work.
They do propel me into a broader perspective of myself.
Divine madness, the mystics called it.
Only now I slowly regain sanity.
I broke my silence two days ago by writing to you into this forum.
And, I just want you guys to know that your being-here does make a difference.
As I process and integrate this experience I think about the concept of trinity; about the duality of matter and spirit and the third element that bridges these opposites: God becoming flesh within man, the crucified one, the Self.
I begin adopting this scheme to everything.
Concerning my strugle with addiction I thought, eveytime I felt desire that I had to choose between abstinence and indulgence.
Now I realize I do not have to choose at all.
I am not the one and not the other.
By holding the tension between the opposites I gain the strenght to transcend them and thereby become more myself.
The Self is the goal and the lesson I've learned here is a very simple one: Just hold the tension.