Space_Monkey
Member
1st post.
Im 27 and I've been using porn since Im 16. Eleven years... Wow, I just shocked myself with that fact.
There was periods where I stopped using. I was on the way to recovery multiple times.
It would last for a few months, but then I would slip back into the old habit.
My first attempt to stop happened by accident. My laptop and my phone died at the same time.
After a month witout electronic devices I started feeleing better so I decided not to buy new ones.
I started excercising, meditating, reading. I felt alive for the first time. I was getting hooked on that feeling.
I spent about a year mostly without internet. The happiest time of my life!
Then due to starting a degree in psychology I had to get a laptop. That was three years ago.
When I look back now, I realize that's the point where I started to spiral downwards again. Slowly... On a slippery sloap.
In the beginning my internet use was small. I had no appetite for it. I was actually disguisted by using it so I kept it to a minimum.
I had no interest in porn at all. I had liberated myself from that in the year past.
Yet, the more I used the internet the bigger my cravings became, creating a vicious self-perpetuating cycle.
I began spending hours and hours in front of the computer watching youtube, watching movies.
It felt increasingly difficult to control my urges. And at some point the cravings became so strong that I simply gave in.
How foolish it was of me to think that I could eliminate the Beast within me. I exiled that part of myself insted of giving it an honorable place.
I had removed the bagage from my life, but I missed to replace it with something better.
I completely lacked intimate relationship. I had no girlfriend, no love, no sex.
I was by myself, lonely and frustrated.
It wouldnt be long till I got back to porn and the warm familiarity it made me feel during the years past.
The gates of Hell were open once more and the Beast was coming back in force to take its throne and rule over my life.
After every use, I'd feel ashamed and promise myself I wouldnt do it again and would abstinate for a while.
I didnt realize, that absination and recovery werent the same things.
Of course I didnt stop. I used again, and again and again. With every time the promises meant less.
The shame dissipated and the self-critical voice became quieter. It got worse. And then I gave up on myself.
No more excecise, no reding, no social life, no creative hobbies.
My cravings had become more perverse than ever before.
I am at that point, where Im so overfed that porn doesnt stimulate my brain anymore. I have slight ED.
Watching porn actually bores me now, but I still do it compulsively.
Before, I could lose myself in it, but now when I watch it I am conscious of myself doing it.
And what I see myself become isnt pretty at all. So long I have internet acces I will always be at risk of seeking porn.
I want a better life for myself! I am angry! I want to cut all the cables and smash my laptop against the wall and live!
This was a much needed outpour. My recovery has started now!
Im 27 and I've been using porn since Im 16. Eleven years... Wow, I just shocked myself with that fact.
There was periods where I stopped using. I was on the way to recovery multiple times.
It would last for a few months, but then I would slip back into the old habit.
My first attempt to stop happened by accident. My laptop and my phone died at the same time.
After a month witout electronic devices I started feeleing better so I decided not to buy new ones.
I started excercising, meditating, reading. I felt alive for the first time. I was getting hooked on that feeling.
I spent about a year mostly without internet. The happiest time of my life!
Then due to starting a degree in psychology I had to get a laptop. That was three years ago.
When I look back now, I realize that's the point where I started to spiral downwards again. Slowly... On a slippery sloap.
In the beginning my internet use was small. I had no appetite for it. I was actually disguisted by using it so I kept it to a minimum.
I had no interest in porn at all. I had liberated myself from that in the year past.
Yet, the more I used the internet the bigger my cravings became, creating a vicious self-perpetuating cycle.
I began spending hours and hours in front of the computer watching youtube, watching movies.
It felt increasingly difficult to control my urges. And at some point the cravings became so strong that I simply gave in.
How foolish it was of me to think that I could eliminate the Beast within me. I exiled that part of myself insted of giving it an honorable place.
I had removed the bagage from my life, but I missed to replace it with something better.
I completely lacked intimate relationship. I had no girlfriend, no love, no sex.
I was by myself, lonely and frustrated.
It wouldnt be long till I got back to porn and the warm familiarity it made me feel during the years past.
The gates of Hell were open once more and the Beast was coming back in force to take its throne and rule over my life.
After every use, I'd feel ashamed and promise myself I wouldnt do it again and would abstinate for a while.
I didnt realize, that absination and recovery werent the same things.
Of course I didnt stop. I used again, and again and again. With every time the promises meant less.
The shame dissipated and the self-critical voice became quieter. It got worse. And then I gave up on myself.
No more excecise, no reding, no social life, no creative hobbies.
My cravings had become more perverse than ever before.
I am at that point, where Im so overfed that porn doesnt stimulate my brain anymore. I have slight ED.
Watching porn actually bores me now, but I still do it compulsively.
Before, I could lose myself in it, but now when I watch it I am conscious of myself doing it.
And what I see myself become isnt pretty at all. So long I have internet acces I will always be at risk of seeking porn.
I want a better life for myself! I am angry! I want to cut all the cables and smash my laptop against the wall and live!
This was a much needed outpour. My recovery has started now!