HappyNotFappy
Member
Hi everyone, I'd like to share my porn addiction and NoFap story here. I'm trying to reboot again after countless times, but it's the first time I'm seriously trying in about a year, and I would really appreciate your support to keep me accountable.
Hooked on Porn
I first found porn at around 12-13, starting with erotic fiction, then eventually full-on porn and hentai. Back then I only owned a tiny iPod touch and had a lousy internet connection, but things escalated once I got my first laptop. It ended up turning into an everyday habit by my high school years, despite me feeling ashamed about it.
Discovering NoFap and Year 1
When I was 17 I found NoFap for the first time by watching Gary Wilson's TedTalk. I had issues with confidence, social anxiety, self-image and finding a girl friend, and so I was excited to think that my problems could be solved by quitting porn. I joined the subreddit, started a streak, and logged my progress on a Habit tracker app.
My first few streaks were usually around a week or two, and the longest I reached was 33 days. Being a teenager, I struggled a lot mainly due to high libido, but life was exciting and I had lots of hope for the future which kept me motivated. For the next 8 months, while I never reached longer than 33 days, I had back-to-back-to-back streaks of around 4 weeks by the end of high school, so porn was almost completely out of my life.
During this time, life was feeling pretty good, and a lot of the things I had hoped for had come true - I studied hard and got into the university program I wanted. I made a lot of friends in my last year of high school, and felt popular for the first time. I even had a few of the girls in my grade confess their interest in me, including one of the most popular girls in the grade who I had grown really close with and liked a lot. I'm not suggesting that NoFap caused all of this, but I think it really boosted my self-confidence at the time.
Year 2 and things fall apart
Unfortunately, my high school life ended anti-climactically - the girl I liked got away since we were moving to different cities. I lost touch with most of my classmates and friends. When I finally started university, the uni life was completely different from what I imagined. Within my first term of uni, my social anxiety and self-image issues were back and worse than ever before. I was skipping all my classes, laying in my bed all day and failing courses for the first time in my life. I started relapsing more and more often, and eventually I was PMOing multiple times a day, to more shameful videos than I ever had before. It was a really dark year in my life, and I felt utterly hopeless, so doing NoFap felt pointless.
Year 3 and getting back on my feet
Fortunately, at the end of my 1st year of uni I moved home to work for the summer, and got a chance to process, rest and recuperate. By mid-summer I tried starting NoFap again, hoping that I could make the most of uni life if I could regain the confidence I had in high school. I was also feeling insecure that I was one of the only guys my age who had never had a girlfriend, while the rest of my peers had been dating and sleeping around throughout 1st year.
For the next 8 months at school, I had mixed success with life, and NoFap. I had repeated streaks of 1-2 weeks, always with 3-4 day binges in between streaks. My concentration and motivation was better than 1st year, and I was able to keep up with my classes. My social anxiety was still pretty bad, but I managed to make friends and made fond memories. I was still struggling with feelings of depression, but overall things were much improved from the previous year.
Year 4 and COVID...
Near the beginning of 2020 a world-changing event broke out which I am sure you are all intimately familiar with. The COVID-19 pandemic affected so many aspects of all our lives, and that included my NoFap journey.
I unexpectedly moved back home, and daily life ground to a halt. Strangely enough, the first year of COVID lockdowns felt extremely relaxing and happy for me. Without the usual social pressures of daily life, and with the whole world united in the uncertainty of our strange new world, I felt peaceful. Unfortunately, our new sedentary online world and lack of outside human interaction was a recipe for disaster for NoFap. I was relapsing every other day, and eventually stopped keeping track for the rest of 2020. Although I was feeling fine emotionally, my concentration was basically non-existent for online school, and I slept for 10 hours a day with little energy, which I imagine was due to PMO.
Year 5 and the rollercoaster of life
In early 2021, while the United States and the rest of the world were returning to normal, Canada faced a particularly bad wave of the Delta variant and had our strict lockdowns intensified. I happened to have moved out for half a year for an internship in a different city, and so outside of my work, I lived utterly and totally alone. To cope with the loneliness, my PMO addiction had gotten worse than ever, and I had also developed a drinking habit. Either because of the PMO or drinking, my social anxiety had gotten to near-crippling levels to the point where going to work or buying groceries had become terrifying.
However, life took another 180 for the better in the second half of the year. I finished my internship, moved back home, and at the same time Canada lifted most restrictions, allowing normal life to slowly resume. I was once again looking for self-improvement and rediscovered NoFap, along with meditation. I reached 38 days at one point, which was the longest I'd reached in 5 years of NoFap. My self confidence and mood skyrocketed, and I caught up with friends I hadn't seen in years. I felt ready to return to normal life, and hopeful for the future for the first time in years. After a few really good months, things sort of simmered down, and I was never able to beat my record of 38 days.
Heading into 2022, life had all sorts of ups and downs, mostly because of a really difficult workplace and boss. My streaks got shorter and shorter, and I would forgot to log for days at a time. NoFap was sort of in the back of my mind but I had really lost sight of the point. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I had a conversation with a friend about NoFap and thought about seriously trying it again. I'm writing this today to recap my NoFap journey and analyze for myself whether it really improved my life.
The present, and a fresh start
My highest streaks always corresponded with high points in my life, but I can't say whether life going well resulting in NoFap success, or vice versa. I realize that I've never properly rebooted in these 5 years, since I never made it close to 90 days. I want to try again seriously, one last time to break my PMO habit for good and fully reset my brain, and see if I can improve myself. I want to regain the confidence, energy, and hope that I had years ago, and not waste what's left of my young adult years. I want to believe that I am capable of self-control, and that I don't need P as a crutch to make it through life. I'm currently at 3 days, and I would like to have a bit of a streak going into November, where I always have more motivation.
Sorry for the extremely long post and rambling story, this was mostly just to recap and organize my own thoughts. If you made it down to here, thanks very much! If any parts of my story resonate with your own, I would really love to hear it and encourage each other to keep each other going. I'll try to update this every day or every few days with my progress.
Hooked on Porn
I first found porn at around 12-13, starting with erotic fiction, then eventually full-on porn and hentai. Back then I only owned a tiny iPod touch and had a lousy internet connection, but things escalated once I got my first laptop. It ended up turning into an everyday habit by my high school years, despite me feeling ashamed about it.
Discovering NoFap and Year 1
When I was 17 I found NoFap for the first time by watching Gary Wilson's TedTalk. I had issues with confidence, social anxiety, self-image and finding a girl friend, and so I was excited to think that my problems could be solved by quitting porn. I joined the subreddit, started a streak, and logged my progress on a Habit tracker app.
My first few streaks were usually around a week or two, and the longest I reached was 33 days. Being a teenager, I struggled a lot mainly due to high libido, but life was exciting and I had lots of hope for the future which kept me motivated. For the next 8 months, while I never reached longer than 33 days, I had back-to-back-to-back streaks of around 4 weeks by the end of high school, so porn was almost completely out of my life.
During this time, life was feeling pretty good, and a lot of the things I had hoped for had come true - I studied hard and got into the university program I wanted. I made a lot of friends in my last year of high school, and felt popular for the first time. I even had a few of the girls in my grade confess their interest in me, including one of the most popular girls in the grade who I had grown really close with and liked a lot. I'm not suggesting that NoFap caused all of this, but I think it really boosted my self-confidence at the time.
Year 2 and things fall apart
Unfortunately, my high school life ended anti-climactically - the girl I liked got away since we were moving to different cities. I lost touch with most of my classmates and friends. When I finally started university, the uni life was completely different from what I imagined. Within my first term of uni, my social anxiety and self-image issues were back and worse than ever before. I was skipping all my classes, laying in my bed all day and failing courses for the first time in my life. I started relapsing more and more often, and eventually I was PMOing multiple times a day, to more shameful videos than I ever had before. It was a really dark year in my life, and I felt utterly hopeless, so doing NoFap felt pointless.
Year 3 and getting back on my feet
Fortunately, at the end of my 1st year of uni I moved home to work for the summer, and got a chance to process, rest and recuperate. By mid-summer I tried starting NoFap again, hoping that I could make the most of uni life if I could regain the confidence I had in high school. I was also feeling insecure that I was one of the only guys my age who had never had a girlfriend, while the rest of my peers had been dating and sleeping around throughout 1st year.
For the next 8 months at school, I had mixed success with life, and NoFap. I had repeated streaks of 1-2 weeks, always with 3-4 day binges in between streaks. My concentration and motivation was better than 1st year, and I was able to keep up with my classes. My social anxiety was still pretty bad, but I managed to make friends and made fond memories. I was still struggling with feelings of depression, but overall things were much improved from the previous year.
Year 4 and COVID...
Near the beginning of 2020 a world-changing event broke out which I am sure you are all intimately familiar with. The COVID-19 pandemic affected so many aspects of all our lives, and that included my NoFap journey.
I unexpectedly moved back home, and daily life ground to a halt. Strangely enough, the first year of COVID lockdowns felt extremely relaxing and happy for me. Without the usual social pressures of daily life, and with the whole world united in the uncertainty of our strange new world, I felt peaceful. Unfortunately, our new sedentary online world and lack of outside human interaction was a recipe for disaster for NoFap. I was relapsing every other day, and eventually stopped keeping track for the rest of 2020. Although I was feeling fine emotionally, my concentration was basically non-existent for online school, and I slept for 10 hours a day with little energy, which I imagine was due to PMO.
Year 5 and the rollercoaster of life
In early 2021, while the United States and the rest of the world were returning to normal, Canada faced a particularly bad wave of the Delta variant and had our strict lockdowns intensified. I happened to have moved out for half a year for an internship in a different city, and so outside of my work, I lived utterly and totally alone. To cope with the loneliness, my PMO addiction had gotten worse than ever, and I had also developed a drinking habit. Either because of the PMO or drinking, my social anxiety had gotten to near-crippling levels to the point where going to work or buying groceries had become terrifying.
However, life took another 180 for the better in the second half of the year. I finished my internship, moved back home, and at the same time Canada lifted most restrictions, allowing normal life to slowly resume. I was once again looking for self-improvement and rediscovered NoFap, along with meditation. I reached 38 days at one point, which was the longest I'd reached in 5 years of NoFap. My self confidence and mood skyrocketed, and I caught up with friends I hadn't seen in years. I felt ready to return to normal life, and hopeful for the future for the first time in years. After a few really good months, things sort of simmered down, and I was never able to beat my record of 38 days.
Heading into 2022, life had all sorts of ups and downs, mostly because of a really difficult workplace and boss. My streaks got shorter and shorter, and I would forgot to log for days at a time. NoFap was sort of in the back of my mind but I had really lost sight of the point. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I had a conversation with a friend about NoFap and thought about seriously trying it again. I'm writing this today to recap my NoFap journey and analyze for myself whether it really improved my life.
The present, and a fresh start
My highest streaks always corresponded with high points in my life, but I can't say whether life going well resulting in NoFap success, or vice versa. I realize that I've never properly rebooted in these 5 years, since I never made it close to 90 days. I want to try again seriously, one last time to break my PMO habit for good and fully reset my brain, and see if I can improve myself. I want to regain the confidence, energy, and hope that I had years ago, and not waste what's left of my young adult years. I want to believe that I am capable of self-control, and that I don't need P as a crutch to make it through life. I'm currently at 3 days, and I would like to have a bit of a streak going into November, where I always have more motivation.
Sorry for the extremely long post and rambling story, this was mostly just to recap and organize my own thoughts. If you made it down to here, thanks very much! If any parts of my story resonate with your own, I would really love to hear it and encourage each other to keep each other going. I'll try to update this every day or every few days with my progress.
