Attempt number one thousand? A 22 year old's latest attempt at rebooting

MapleSyrup

Member
Hi everyone, I'd like to share my porn addiction and NoFap story here. I'm trying to reboot again after countless times, but it's the first time I'm seriously trying in about a year, and I would really appreciate your support to keep me accountable.

Hooked on Porn
I first found porn at around 12-13, starting with erotic fiction, then eventually full-on porn and hentai. Back then I only owned a tiny iPod touch and had a lousy internet connection, but things escalated once I got my first laptop. It ended up turning into an everyday habit by my high school years, despite me feeling ashamed about it.

Discovering NoFap and Year 1
When I was 17 I found NoFap for the first time by watching Gary Wilson's TedTalk. I had issues with confidence, social anxiety, self-image and finding a girl friend, and so I was excited to think that my problems could be solved by quitting porn. I joined the subreddit, started a streak, and logged my progress on a Habit tracker app.

My first few streaks were usually around a week or two, and the longest I reached was 33 days. Being a teenager, I struggled a lot mainly due to high libido, but life was exciting and I had lots of hope for the future which kept me motivated. For the next 8 months, while I never reached longer than 33 days, I had back-to-back-to-back streaks of around 4 weeks by the end of high school, so porn was almost completely out of my life.

During this time, life was feeling pretty good, and a lot of the things I had hoped for had come true - I studied hard and got into the university program I wanted. I made a lot of friends in my last year of high school, and felt popular for the first time. I even had a few of the girls in my grade confess their interest in me, including one of the most popular girls in the grade who I had grown really close with and liked a lot. I'm not suggesting that NoFap caused all of this, but I think it really boosted my self-confidence at the time.

Year 2 and things fall apart
Unfortunately, my high school life ended anti-climactically - the girl I liked got away since we were moving to different cities. I lost touch with most of my classmates and friends. When I finally started university, the uni life was completely different from what I imagined. Within my first term of uni, my social anxiety and self-image issues were back and worse than ever before. I was skipping all my classes, laying in my bed all day and failing courses for the first time in my life. I started relapsing more and more often, and eventually I was PMOing multiple times a day, to more shameful videos than I ever had before. It was a really dark year in my life, and I felt utterly hopeless, so doing NoFap felt pointless.

Year 3 and getting back on my feet
Fortunately, at the end of my 1st year of uni I moved home to work for the summer, and got a chance to process, rest and recuperate. By mid-summer I tried starting NoFap again, hoping that I could make the most of uni life if I could regain the confidence I had in high school. I was also feeling insecure that I was one of the only guys my age who had never had a girlfriend, while the rest of my peers had been dating and sleeping around throughout 1st year.

For the next 8 months at school, I had mixed success with life, and NoFap. I had repeated streaks of 1-2 weeks, always with 3-4 day binges in between streaks. My concentration and motivation was better than 1st year, and I was able to keep up with my classes. My social anxiety was still pretty bad, but I managed to make friends and made fond memories. I was still struggling with feelings of depression, but overall things were much improved from the previous year.

Year 4 and COVID...
Near the beginning of 2020 a world-changing event broke out which I am sure you are all intimately familiar with. The COVID-19 pandemic affected so many aspects of all our lives, and that included my NoFap journey.

I unexpectedly moved back home, and daily life ground to a halt. Strangely enough, the first year of COVID lockdowns felt extremely relaxing and happy for me. Without the usual social pressures of daily life, and with the whole world united in the uncertainty of our strange new world, I felt peaceful. Unfortunately, our new sedentary online world and lack of outside human interaction was a recipe for disaster for NoFap. I was relapsing every other day, and eventually stopped keeping track for the rest of 2020. Although I was feeling fine emotionally, my concentration was basically non-existent for online school, and I slept for 10 hours a day with little energy, which I imagine was due to PMO.

Year 5 and the rollercoaster of life
In early 2021, while the United States and the rest of the world were returning to normal, Canada faced a particularly bad wave of the Delta variant and had our strict lockdowns intensified. I happened to have moved out for half a year for an internship in a different city, and so outside of my work, I lived utterly and totally alone. To cope with the loneliness, my PMO addiction had gotten worse than ever, and I had also developed a drinking habit. Either because of the PMO or drinking, my social anxiety had gotten to near-crippling levels to the point where going to work or buying groceries had become terrifying.

However, life took another 180 for the better in the second half of the year. I finished my internship, moved back home, and at the same time Canada lifted most restrictions, allowing normal life to slowly resume. I was once again looking for self-improvement and rediscovered NoFap, along with meditation. I reached 38 days at one point, which was the longest I'd reached in 5 years of NoFap. My self confidence and mood skyrocketed, and I caught up with friends I hadn't seen in years. I felt ready to return to normal life, and hopeful for the future for the first time in years. After a few really good months, things sort of simmered down, and I was never able to beat my record of 38 days.

Heading into 2022, life had all sorts of ups and downs, mostly because of a really difficult workplace and boss. My streaks got shorter and shorter, and I would forgot to log for days at a time. NoFap was sort of in the back of my mind but I had really lost sight of the point. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I had a conversation with a friend about NoFap and thought about seriously trying it again. I'm writing this today to recap my NoFap journey and analyze for myself whether it really improved my life.

The present, and a fresh start
My highest streaks always corresponded with high points in my life, but I can't say whether life going well resulting in NoFap success, or vice versa. I realize that I've never properly rebooted in these 5 years, since I never made it close to 90 days. I want to try again seriously, one last time to break my PMO habit for good and fully reset my brain, and see if I can improve myself. I want to regain the confidence, energy, and hope that I had years ago, and not waste what's left of my young adult years. I want to believe that I am capable of self-control, and that I don't need P as a crutch to make it through life. I'm currently at 3 days, and I would like to have a bit of a streak going into November, where I always have more motivation.

Sorry for the extremely long post and rambling story, this was mostly just to recap and organize my own thoughts. If you made it down to here, thanks very much! If any parts of my story resonate with your own, I would really love to hear it and encourage each other to keep each other going. I'll try to update this every day or every few days with my progress.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 4
So far so good. I haven't been stressed out lately, which is a trigger for me, so it hasn't been too tough.

One downside is that I have a habit of PMOing to fall asleep, so the last few nights I've had trouble rolling around in bed unable to sleep. Went to bed past 5 AM last night, so sort of running on fumes today. Hopefully I'll reset my sleep schedule tonight.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 5
Easy peasy so far. Haven't been exposed to any of my usual triggers - stress, uncomfortable interactions, being around people I'm attracted too, etc.

Did find myself thinking about P, and it showed up in my dreams so I was confused the day after whether I did it or not. Urges not too difficult though. Still feeling a bit socially anxious in public.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 8
Made it past a week again, which is where things start to get difficult for me usually. I was tempted to start browsing lewd stuff yesterday, but luckily I was so tired I just fell asleep before I could start.

Haven't felt any different from usual yet. In my past streaks, it was usually around the 3 week mark that I started feeling more energetic and emotionally alive. Looking forward to getting back to that point.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 9
Its No Nut November again, which silly as it sounds usually gets me motivated since my friends do it too (as a joke challenge though). Feels good knowing that by the end of the month I’ll be at 39 days, which ties my previous record.

Yesterday was the toughest day yet, I ended up watching risky movies that I knew would trigger me, luckily I kept it together though.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 11
Had a lot of urges on Tuesday, but managed to keep it under control. Yesterday was much easier.

Today in class I noticed that I felt a bit less self-conscious than usual, and I couldn't help stealing glances at female classmates, which I haven't had the urge to do in a long time.

Sleep schedule is still way out of whack, not because I don't get sleepy at night, but because my brain just feels hyperactive and I compulsively need to browse and consume something until 5AM. Probably a bad habit from PMO addiction since I wired my brain to expect PMO every night before sleeping.

My friends have been frequently making jokes about NNN the last few days, and even though they don't take it seriously, it's still fun to be able to say I haven't failed.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day (15)
So I caught the flu and spent Thursday and Friday night in a delirious fever-haze, rolling around unable to sleep. Ended up MOing both nights trying to fall asleep. Sorry to be graphic, but it felt really... backed up, like chunky stuff pushing through rusty plumbing or something, so it didn't even feel that good. There was such a large volume and it felt a bit burning afterwards too, and it was really thick so it was a mess to clean up. I forgot that happens when my streaks go around 2 weeks or longer. I was too tired to even feel disappointed.

I'm gonna keep my counter going since I didn't watch P, although I guess that means I technically failed hard-mode or NNN. Either way, the long-term goal is to quit P and rewire my brain and dopamine circuits, so occasional MO shouldn't be too much of a setback.

I had a lot of social events over the weekend, but since I was still recovering from the flu I wasn't as social as usual and was really tired, so not much to report there. Next weekend I have a trip planned, so hoping the social anxiety will be at bay so I can have a good time.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 2
So unfortunately last Monday I ended up fully relapsing and spent the next few days binging. It started with "testing" myself with watching lewd stuff, and then by the end of the day it was full PMO. The next few days, it was hard to motivate myself to start again since it felt like my streak was already lost. I was also feeling down since my trip got cancelled.

Somehow I already feel like I can notice the negative effects on my brain again - I generally feel more cloudy and unexcited and unmotivated. I rarely full sparks of joy or excitement.

Just gonna start again and try to keep on track as best as possible. I think this time I won't write to this forum as often, since having my streak on my mind all the time is probably one of the reasons I kept thinking of P.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Wow, so I haven't updated this in a year, but I just beat NNN, going from end of October to now Dec 1 without any porn or masturbation! To summarize:

Year 7 - Upwards Trajectory
So I didn't manage to beat NNN last year, and then I sort of forgot about rebooting again, and got back into porn on and off for most of 2023. Some months were better than others, and I even went weeks at a time without watching porn, although I would often fall into binges.

In general, life was getting so much better after my mental health disaster in 2022, and I was working on myself - going to therapy, aceing my last year of engineering undergrad, then immediately starting grad school. I started to feel like the future wasn't so bleak, and that life was worth living again.

Back in September this year, I caught Covid and had to isolate in my room by myself for a week, during which I was incredibly bored and delirious, and ended up PMOing repeatedly, which set me back for the next few weeks.

Current Streak (Day 34)
Luckily in October, I went to a great retreat with friends which really reset my mental state and outlook on life, and helped me restart my reboot with reinvigorated interest. In late October, I relapsed one morning, and it didn't even feel good at all, and I just felt sort of disappointed with myself. I also had a moderate-dose psychedelic trip that day (that's a whole other story), and during it, I had the strong impression of how disgusting and self-depricating the act of masturbating to porn is, and how I can and should be better, by controlling myself and quitting forever. More than just porn, I saw how my lustful thoughts impacted the way I interact with women in my life, and cause me to sometimes treat them as objects of desire instead of people with the dignity that they deserve.
From that day onwards, not only did I feel like watching or looking at any sort of porn was just disgusting, I also started to catch myself and turn away any time I had inappropriate lustful thoughts about women in my life. It was like a switch flipped in my brain, to see porn as disgusting instead of as alluring.

At any rate, the rest of November was actually pretty easy, since I wasn't entertaining any inappropriate lustful thoughts, and didn't sneak peeks at any tempting porn on the internet. The only challenging days were a few emotionally difficult days when I was tempted to have an immediate escape from dealing with negative emotions. I ended up making it to December before I knew it.

My streak is still less than 40 days, and so less than half the recommended 90 days. But I've already noticed that I feel so much more confident, and in control of my life right now, and so I'm dedicated and eager to finally hit the 90 day goal.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 40
Today marks day 40! (presuming I get through the next few hours without incident).

This beats my previous best of 39 days, which was back in 2018!

I definitely feel that I'm back to my peak confidence and mental/emotional stability, which I haven't felt in YEARS. I wouldn't say that it's all due to rebooting, but rather that 1) making lifestyle changes and working on myself in therapy, while also 2) trying to quit porn; has had a back-and-forth effect on each other.

I did have a challenge with an emotional setback the past couple weeks. Had a friend that I'm really close with and had crushed on for months and I was finally working up the courage to ask her out, only for her to hit it off with a guy out of the blue and quickly start a relationship with him. But after the initial shock, I'm accepting that it just wasn't meant to be, and I'm taking it as a sign that I need to put myself out there again and start getting over my fears of dating/rejection. Certainly not going to let an emotionally tough week ruin my streak and send me relapsing.

Really hoping that I can hit 90 days this time, and that my life trajectory continues steadily upward from here.
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Day 40
Today marks day 40! (presuming I get through the next few hours without incident).

This beats my previous best of 39 days, which was back in 2018!

I definitely feel that I'm back to my peak confidence and mental/emotional stability, which I haven't felt in YEARS. I wouldn't say that it's all due to rebooting, but rather that 1) making lifestyle changes and working on myself in therapy, while also 2) trying to quit porn; has had a back-and-forth effect on each other.

I did have a challenge with an emotional setback the past couple weeks. Had a friend that I'm really close with and had crushed on for months and I was finally working up the courage to ask her out, only for her to hit it off with a guy out of the blue and quickly start a relationship with him. But after the initial shock, I'm accepting that it just wasn't meant to be, and I'm taking it as a sign that I need to put myself out there again and start getting over my fears of dating/rejection. Certainly not going to let an emotionally tough week ruin my streak and send me relapsing.

Really hoping that I can hit 90 days this time, and that my life trajectory continues steadily upward from here.
That sounds great! Congratulations on reaching so far. Great that you are making changes in your life.
Rejections are part of a normal love life! I myself got rejected last week :v It sucks, but it's okay.

Best wishes
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 44

Officially on my longest streak to date (since discovering NoFap in 2017). Feels a bit surreal given how many times I've re-started, how many times I've relapsed, and how long I've struggled with porn use.

It's starting to get harder than last month. I've had a few accidental looks at suggestive content on YouTube, and I was tempted to go down the rabbit hole of similar videos, but luckily I was able to stop myself. I also had a couple sexual dreams, one of which I think was porn related, and I woke up with intense urges.

I'm not sure how much expectations to hold out for "benefits". I've definitely experienced minor benefits on my past streaks and this current one - namely increased focus, improved mood, slightly more extroversion. But I also don't want to set unrealistic expectations and be disappointed when they don't come true.

I suppose that even if there weren't any benefits to rebooting, I would still be proud of myself for quitting porn, since I genuinely believe that it's degrading to myself, degrading to women, and I generally disagree with porn use morally.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 46

Haven't really had any urges the last few days. Closest I had was watching some TV gameshows about idol girls with my friends and making sexual jokes, but luckily it didn't trigger me enough to keep thinking about it.

I had a dream about cuddling with the girl I was crushing on, and I woke up sad, remembering that she's now taken and that I need to move on. But the last thing I want to do is watch porn, and feel even worse about myself. If anything, this experience has a silver lining in that I have extra motivation to improve myself, and get back out there meeting people.

Weird update: The entire past week, I've been waking up drenched in cold sweat. I've never had this problem before, and it's pretty inconvenient having to change shirts every morning. I have no idea if this is rebooting-related, or related to my current emotional state.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 47

Had some brief urges or moments of sexual frustration throughout the day today. Not porn related, but just general sexual urges or desire for intimacy. It feels like I have all this energy and biological desire with no outlet.

On the bright side, the fact that my brain didn't immediately look to porn as an outlet, seems like a good sign that my brain is already rewiring.

In other news, I still woke up in a cold sweat today. Dunno what that's about.
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 50 (49)

Woke up out of a wet dream this morning. I think it was porn-related, unfortunately. Not much I could do about it, since I can't exactly control my dreams. Guess it goes to show that porn is still linked with sexual desire somewhere deep in my subconscious.

At any rate, I'm doubly motivated today to stay porn-free and not feed my brain any new stimulus to let fester.

In good news, as of the end of the day, I'll be 50 days porn-free!

EDIT: I realized I jumped the gun and miscalculated. 49 days as of tonight. I guess tomorrow I'll re-celebrate the big 50 haha
 
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MapleSyrup

Member
Day 50 (for real)

Officially 50 days free of PMO. Halfway to triple digits.

Went to a party yesterday, and it went okay, but I still had some social anxiety and trouble introducing myself to people I didn't know. That's something I'm gonna need to keep working on, whether in therapy, or just by sheer exposure and pushing myself out of my comfort zone. To be honest I was sort of hoping that rebooting would magically cure my social anxiety, since so many people have claimed that happened to them.

Regardless, just gonna keep working on myself, and staying clear of porn
 

MapleSyrup

Member
Day 52

Been a bit stressed lately with a lot of deadlines in grad school, and some social stressors that I mentioned in previous posts. Luckily I've found that an intense 40 mins in the sauna totally calms me down and helps me unwind before bed, whereas previously I relied on PMO as an escape to stress in order to fall asleep.

Watched a wacky horror movie with some friends today called Midsommar. Generally wacky and trippy movie, but there was a pretty explicit sex scene with full nudity. Fortunately the scene was too disturbing to even think about being aroused. Still felt a bit weird, like I was peeking or activating old porn brain circuits. I'll have to be extra careful the next few days.
 
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