SHIT HITS THE FAN…in a good way.

[ImBroken]

Hey Y’all - This is more of a share with my compadres than anything meaningful or prolific. Last night, husband comes home from one of his meetings…sex addicts, porn addicts, one of them. I’m on the phone talking with a friend and he passive-aggressively asks me to speak with him.

*Important Info* - About 2 weeks ago…after weeks of talking here…I met a SO that has a very similar story to mine…in real life. We met for coffee and talked for hours. I made a great new friend. Was there attraction - absolutely - but it was easy to compartmentalize that and talk through our issues. I can’t tell you how freeing it was to talk to a non-therapist about all the embarrassing shit that goes along with my husband’s P addiction…and his kinks. Needless to say, I made a new friend out of this misery*

So I hang up the phone with friend and husband asks me, “Are you starting a relationship with XXXXXXXX?” I was so taken aback…went right into a diatribe rage on his ass. All the anger I have been building up over the past 40 days came out. What infuriated me most was - How does he feel he has the right to even ask that of me…his response was - Well we are still married. I lambasted him with - Doesn’t seem you took our 30 years of marriage into consideration every time you logged into BDSM sites, wrote your sordid little tales and chatted with your fellow porn consumers….blah blah blah. I continued the freak out because I don’t think he is entitled to any questions about anyone new in my life. I could not believe I was seeing jealousy act out - coming from him! When I settled back down, I told him to focus on himself - not take my inventory - work on his own shit. I stormed upstairs and told him to call his sponsor (s) - Apparently he did call his sponsor - who in turn called him an asshole…told him to stay in his lane and work on his recovery.

I have been silently supportive of his recovery process - he is working his programs hard - I know him - he will work hard…but His question was out of line FOR ME. Anyway - end result - Next day - he texted me a well thought out apology. I actually felt a tinge of empathy for him. So this morning we talked for a couple minutes - I reminded him that I am allowing him to stay in the home for 90 days or longer - that I will have a decision for him what I want to do with the marriage. He accepted and is truly remorseful for the pain he has inflicted (not all of it - but some of it) - I don’t relish in my husbands pain and suffering - but we had a talk about MY PAIN - other SO‘s pains. I appreciate the addicts’ stories and advice - I have read some much on this board, I think I have consumed everything since its inception. And even though I am a newbie SO - I’m pretty resolute in making this statement. I don’t think any addict fully understands the pain that the SO goes through…and it varies from person to person. I usually have no problems with words or explanation - but with this - I have no words - I cannot communicate to him or others effectively or even begin to understand the disease. I can officially say, THIS IS THE WORST PAIN I have ever endured. There is so much that he has to earn back from me - I hate being in the position I am in.

I’m still on the fence with my decision - I told him last night to just leave if he is going to ask me shit like that…he didn’t. So, for the first time, last night - I saw a frightened little boy who realizes he may lose this relationship - I so wish he would have thought of this during all the years of his addiction though…he didn’t - damage done - one day at a time recovery for me. So glad for this SO family.

If there are addicts reading this…maybe I could get some more insight. What was it that allowed you to block out your relationship while active in your addiction. Did you ever fear - losing it all - and why wasn’t that enough for you to at least take a pause and think - this may be problematic?

This was the first TINY ray of sunlight - that I said what I wanted to him with no regrets. My intention was only to remind him…we are where we are at BECAUSE OF HIS ADDICTIONS.

Thanks for hearing me out - hopefully more progress will come - decisions might come - just hanging on - one day at a time. Mike

 

[Simon2]

My instict tells me that was a big moment for you two. Wishing you strength with this journey you didn't ask for or deserve!

As to your question: Yeah, I worried all the time about being discovered. The shit I was into was for sure enough to lose my wife and probably more - even my career if it all became public. I love my wife, I love my kids, I really enjoy my job too. YET... it wasn't enough. And if I think about the future I could STILL set that aside again. Scary. I was worried and every time after indulging I would tell myself I really had to stop. I just couldn't. Why? Fundamentally because the pull of P is really like that of a super addictive drug - for me anyway. It sounds like an excuse but it is really something I've come to see as a fact after decades of being split into to personalities - one that hated the P and one that couldn't stop taking it in...

When I knew it was there I just COULDN'T resist it. "Just this one more time", "it's too good not to have a bit", "this is my secret - we all have a vice", "I deserve a bit of a reward", "I deserve to feel like shit", "nobody will find out", "I'm so horny - I just need it right now", "oh let's just see if ... is still available", etc etc. The addict tells themselves lies, is weak in their resolve, and fundamentally unable to put someone else (or even their healthy selves) ahead of the addiction.

Underlying that there's so often psychological reasons why we enter this world. Trauma, insecurities, mental health struggles, ... for me it was the experience of my step father abusing my sisters when I was a teenager - knowing about it and not being able to stop it. But everyone's story is different.

I think we tell ourselves too that as long as our partner doesn't know we are not hurting them. We really only face that when it all comes out. We live in complete denial. Being an addict is like having split personality. Having such a war inside - one side that wants it and another part that hates it...

Don't know if that helps... but there you go.

 

[Blondie]

If there are addicts reading this…maybe I could get some more insight. What was it that allowed you to block out your relationship while active in your addiction. Did you ever fear - losing it all - and why wasn’t that enough for you to at least take a pause and think - this may be problematic?

That's a good question @ImBroken, I've been thinking about that a lot recently, probably because I've been seeing so many SO's mentioning this question on the other side of the forum.

Why? Why?

Speaking for myself, because of certain situations (trauma) in my childhood, at a very young age, I become very good at compartmentalizing my life, what I allowed the world to see about me, and what I knew to be actually true about myself (other things that have nothing to do with porn). A coping mechanism to put it bluntly. As I grew older, I used this to cover up my porn usage as well, learning to hide it from my very Christian parents and all of my friends etc.. I was the classic "good guy" that everyone loved. Needless to say, this compartmentalizing fits into this equation very much so when watching porn. I knew it was bad for my partner, but this whole pattern had been established since I was a kid, which is not something you can easily just snap out of.

I also have to add, my secret, (six sessions with cam girls) only lasted for a year, and I was the one who told my partner, she didn't accidently find out about it such as yourself, so I think this changes the situation a bit. Also, she didn't/doesn't think regular porn was cheating either, thus, my porn use before the one year of cam girls was not a secret, which I know changes my situation from many here at RN.

However, to get back to my point, it absolutely did cross my mind that it would hurt her if she knew what I was doing, and this fact was something I could never get completely out of my mind. Ironically, the shame after my first session, and me not telling her about it was what brought me right back to it the second time after four months. Why? Because, there is no other high like porn, and thus, no other way to get rid of my shame (besides telling her the truth!) than to have another four hour porn session with a cam girl. For four wonderful hours I didn't have to think about the moron I had become. This is all utterly fucked up and I'm the first to admit it, but trust me, I had many sleepless nights thinking about this shit, so It's not like I didn't care, I was just stuck, stuck in a situation of my own making. What a year from hell that was!

But going back to that compartmentalizing for a moment, I definitely used this when deciding (rationalizing?) to go back to another session with a cam girl. Besides the shame, urges and obviously the addiction side to it (not to mention the learned behavior of using porn to deal with my stress), I would tell myself, "Well, I could be doing this with a real "stripper" so it's not quite as bad as that." or "I actually could be cheating with real women at work or school, so, this is at least the better alternative." And the worst excuse was "Well, she doesn't think porn is cheating, so this is practically the same thing, just a little more personal, but not physical, which would definitely be cheating!" I cringe just writing this shit, but these are the facts.

Compartmentalizing has its uses, but it can be mighty dangerous when used for evil.

I hope some of that may help you. I'm glad to hear that he has really apologized to you, and hopefully that might be a start of some real healing for both of you. But either way, not all of us our crazy psychopaths or narcissists with no empathy (Not saying you husband is that), we're just broken human beings, who unfortunately learned in our early childhoods, unhealthy ways to deal with our shit.

Best to you.

 

[Jlied]

My instict tells me that was a big moment for you two. Wishing you strength with this journey you didn't ask for or deserve!

As to your question: Yeah, I worried all the time about being discovered. The shit I was into was for sure enough to lose my wife and probably more - even my career if it all became public. I love my wife, I love my kids, I really enjoy my job too. YET... it wasn't enough. And if I think about the future I could STILL set that aside again. Scary. I was worried and every time after indulging I would tell myself I really had to stop. I just couldn't. Why? Fundamentally because the pull of P is really like that of a super addictive drug - for me anyway. It sounds like an excuse but it is really something I've come to see as a fact after decades of being split into to personalities - one that hated the P and one that couldn't stop taking it in...

When I knew it was there I just COULDN'T resist it. "Just this one more time", "it's too good not to have a bit", "this is my secret - we all have a vice", "I deserve a bit of a reward", "I deserve to feel like shit", "nobody will find out", "I'm so horny - I just need it right now", "oh let's just see if ... is still available", etc etc. The addict tells themselves lies, is weak in their resolve, and fundamentally unable to put someone else (or even their healthy selves) ahead of the addiction.

Underlying that there's so often psychological reasons why we enter this world. Trauma, insecurities, mental health struggles, ... for me it was the experience of my step father abusing my sisters when I was a teenager - knowing about it and not being able to stop it. But everyone's story is different.

I think we tell ourselves too that as long as our partner doesn't know we are not hurting them. We really only face that when it all comes out. We live in complete denial. Being an addict is like having split personality. Having such a war inside - one side that wants it and another part that hates it...

Don't know if that helps... but there you go.

Everything you just said is exactly how I felt. I I knew every time it was wrong but I couldn’t fight it. My wife finding out was the only way I could get away from it. It’s awful to say, it’s weak, it’s a terrible excuse but it is what HAD to happen. I hate so much what I’ve done and how I’ve affected her. She’ll always have insecurities that she may never get rid of. I am weak, I am insecure. I need validation from others to feel good about myself. Her validation as perfect as it was just wasn’t enough for me. It’s something I have to continually work on. For me, maybe most men, porn was a means of orgasm. We can compartmentalize that from emotion. Our addict nature tells us to do that even if we don’t agree morally. I will the first to admit I’m a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve her grace. Because of her I am a better person. I’m the same breath that Grace she has given me allows me to realize that I am worthy of love. That I can be a better person and to that I am forever indebted to her. I’ll never be able to right my past transgressions but her love allows me to make my future a better one. Without her I’m not sure I would be able to kick this addiction.

 

[Jlied]

That's a good question @ImBroken, I've been thinking about that a lot recently, probably because I've been seeing so many SO's mentioning this question on the other side of the forum.

Why? Why?

Speaking for myself, because of certain situations (trauma) in my childhood, at a very young age, I become very good at compartmentalizing my life, what I allowed the world to see about me, and what I knew to be actually true about myself (other things that have nothing to do with porn). A coping mechanism to put it bluntly. As I grew older, I used this to cover up my porn usage as well, learning to hide it from my very Christian parents and all of my friends etc.. I was the classic "good guy" that everyone loved. Needless to say, this compartmentalizing fits into this equation very much so when watching porn. I knew it was bad for my partner, but this whole pattern had been established since I was a kid, which is not something you can easily just snap out of.

I also have to add, my secret, (six sessions with cam girls) only lasted for a year, and I was the one who told my partner, she didn't accidently find out about it such as yourself, so I think this changes the situation a bit. Also, she didn't/doesn't think regular porn was cheating either, thus, my porn use before the one year of cam girls was not a secret, which I know changes my situation from many here at RN.

However, to get back to my point, it absolutely did cross my mind that it would hurt her if she knew what I was doing, and this fact was something I could never get completely out of my mind. Ironically, the shame after my first session, and me not telling her about it was what brought me right back to it the second time after four months. Why? Because, there is no other high like porn, and thus, no other way to get rid of my shame (besides telling her the truth!) than to have another four hour porn session with a cam girl. For four wonderful hours I didn't have to think about the moron I had become. This is all utterly fucked up and I'm the first to admit it, but trust me, I had many sleepless nights thinking about this shit, so It's not like I didn't care, I was just stuck, stuck in a situation of my own making. What a year from hell that was!

But going back to that compartmentalizing for a moment, I definitely used this when deciding (rationalizing?) to go back to another session with a cam girl. Besides the shame, urges and obviously the addiction side to it (not to mention the learned behavior of using porn to deal with my stress), I would tell myself, "Well, I could be doing this with a real "stripper" so it's not quite as bad as that." or "I actually could be cheating with real women at work or school, so, this is at least the better alternative." And the worst excuse was "Well, she doesn't think porn is cheating, so this is practically the same thing, just a little more personal, but not physical, which would definitely be cheating!" I cringe just writing this shit, but these are the facts.

Compartmentalizing has its uses, but it can be mighty dangerous when used for evil.

I hope some of that may help you. I'm glad to hear that he has really apologized to you, and hopefully that might be a start of some real healing for both of you. But either way, not all of us our crazy psychopaths or narcissists with no empathy (Not saying you husband is that), we're just broken human beings, who unfortunately learned in our early childhoods, unhealthy ways to deal with our shit.

Best to you.

Man, I love this. Again, you’re speaking to me as if you know who I am. The more you suppress it the more you accept it.

justifying it by saying I’m not being physical with another person is real. Compartmentalizing it is real. When I was in chat room sharing pictures of myself get pictures in return was the same as being physical. Having raunchy conversations with others online, sharing my kinks with other I was basically having emotional affairs. Truth be told when I stopped going to chat rooms I kissed the conversations I had with the people I talked to regularly. We didn’t always talk porn. Sometimes we talked life. I felt like I lost friends but in the end I didn’t lose anything of real substance. We addicts are so adept at rationalizing things or creating technicalities in our kind that we believe them. This might sound stupid but for as much as we’ve hurt you we also hurt ourselves. I developed insecurities about myself through porn that i struggle with today. But @ImBroken youre right, we will never be able to fully appreciate or understand the depths of your pain. We can try to heal it but ultimately we can’t. You're stance is admirable. All the things you have fought for to be tosse aside is devastating. I can feel your pain through your words though I cannot fully appreciate it as it is your pain. We suck, we don’t deserve you, but as shitty as it sounds we need you too. My insecurities created a world or hurt and it’s unfair that we still need you to help us heal.

 

[Beautiful1973]

Hi @ImBroken I've been thinking about you and wondered how you were getting on over the last week?

 

[ImBroken]

Hi @ImBroken I've been thinking about you and wondered how you were getting on over the last week?

Hey @Beautiful1973 - was going to post a new topic and ask for some advice. Im at the point where I can get on with a day…compartmentalize most of it - but when I see him - it all comes flooding back. I have chosen NOT to decide on the marriages fate (which in fact is a choice) until his 90 days are up. He really is working his recovery hard…but while he gets all this help and support and therapy…I feel like the cheese who sits alone. I have moments of “pity party for me” - but I am taking SELFISH time - doing more activities alone - kinda testing the waters if I can make it alone. I still am so incredibly angry that the marriage/myself was not enough for him to risk losing. Its still so fresh - I’m really just coming to terms with his addiction - the odds of recidivism and the fact that the trust is beyond repair…I’m old - 55 - kind of set in my ways. I want him to be happy and healthy - he is not a bad person - just made some really fucked up choices…and possibly lost me and a partially solid 30 year marriage. We had always had a pact that if we had an urge to step out of the marriage - we would have the decency to tell the other FIRST and at least break things off and have communication about it. Thanks for thinking of me - I have just been doing A LOT of thinking about myself this week…the pain of it all is too much to wallow in - I’m swimming to shore for a while instead to treading water. Wish I could be more hopeful one way or the other…just feel like soul is crushed by his actions and this addiction…don’t really know if I have another go with him in my system. One day at a time…one day at a time.

 

[Sliced]

Hi @ImBroken, I dont come on here very often but had a read through some of your posts this evening and I am really sorry to hear how things are for you. So much of what you have said resonate with how I felt in the early stages of finding out about my partners addiction. It sounds like you are both working hard.

You may have already been given these peices of advice, but in the hope it's helpful, some things I would really recommend:
- Research betrayal trauma, it helped me make so much more sense out of the way I felt.
- Bloom for women and Path for men are two really good websites with free courses, with some individual work and stuff you can do as a couple, you may both find these resources helpful.

- Myself and my partner found 'love you, hate the porn' book to be incredibly helpful in learning to communicate through all of this - it's outdated in some ways but I think that the underlying messages are very useful.

You should like you are doing amazing, wishing you all the best