RamboNofap
Member
In this journal I want to keep track of my progress to get rid of digital pleasure and fully experience real connections and love again. I'm starting this at day 0. I'm starting now because, I've been watching a lot of pornsites and it is taking over my life again.
Since this is my first post though, I'll give a summary of how I came to this point of my life.
My life:
I grew up close to Rotterdam in the Netherlands, with my parents and brother. I think the first contact with porn was at 11 or 12 years old.
Between the ages of 14 and 18 I experienced domestic violence by my father, who had uncontrolled anger attacks, those were always aimed at my brother. So he kind of suffered more, but I still felt the consequenses of this unsafe environment. After an anger attack, I usually went to the computer, my safe haven. I think this is where I developed the coping mechanism of reaching for the computer as an escape from stress.
Then I think my porn addiction was latently present and growing in the following years. Fast forward to the age of 26. I had a new girlfriend and found out I could not get erect. After a search on the internet, I got to the conclusion I might have a porn addiction and PIED. I was devestated when I concluded this was true and got into therapy. I broke up with her after a year.
A year later I got together with another girl. I told her about my addiction and she was very supportive. For a while it went really well, I was feeling happier, could enjoy things and my performance was better (in life and in intimacy). But after I relapsed, it became more difficult again. Emotional I got very flat. Nothing mattered anymore and even my feelings for her were fading. After being with her for 3 years we broke up.
Recently, since august, I've met a girl again. She lives in germany and I only see her once or twice a month for 4 days. I'm again bothered by PIED, but she is really patient and told her briefly about my problem.
Modern day and first journal entry:
So currently I'm sort of in a long distance relationship. Being with her, feels like it is something extra to give me purpose again and it woke me up to try and work on myself again. I'm still suffering from PIED and lack of general enjoyment and productivity. After therapy I've tried to cope by myself again, but I found out that I need some support again. Today was a really bad day in terms of watching a lot of NSFW content. But to close this of on a positive note, this is also the day, on which I actively take a step to stop my addiction.
It is quite a post, so thank you for reading and have a nice day
Since this is my first post though, I'll give a summary of how I came to this point of my life.
My life:
I grew up close to Rotterdam in the Netherlands, with my parents and brother. I think the first contact with porn was at 11 or 12 years old.
Between the ages of 14 and 18 I experienced domestic violence by my father, who had uncontrolled anger attacks, those were always aimed at my brother. So he kind of suffered more, but I still felt the consequenses of this unsafe environment. After an anger attack, I usually went to the computer, my safe haven. I think this is where I developed the coping mechanism of reaching for the computer as an escape from stress.
Then I think my porn addiction was latently present and growing in the following years. Fast forward to the age of 26. I had a new girlfriend and found out I could not get erect. After a search on the internet, I got to the conclusion I might have a porn addiction and PIED. I was devestated when I concluded this was true and got into therapy. I broke up with her after a year.
A year later I got together with another girl. I told her about my addiction and she was very supportive. For a while it went really well, I was feeling happier, could enjoy things and my performance was better (in life and in intimacy). But after I relapsed, it became more difficult again. Emotional I got very flat. Nothing mattered anymore and even my feelings for her were fading. After being with her for 3 years we broke up.
Recently, since august, I've met a girl again. She lives in germany and I only see her once or twice a month for 4 days. I'm again bothered by PIED, but she is really patient and told her briefly about my problem.
Modern day and first journal entry:
So currently I'm sort of in a long distance relationship. Being with her, feels like it is something extra to give me purpose again and it woke me up to try and work on myself again. I'm still suffering from PIED and lack of general enjoyment and productivity. After therapy I've tried to cope by myself again, but I found out that I need some support again. Today was a really bad day in terms of watching a lot of NSFW content. But to close this of on a positive note, this is also the day, on which I actively take a step to stop my addiction.
It is quite a post, so thank you for reading and have a nice day
