Moving forward!

[the_mountain_goat]

Hey TypeN, so glad to read about the positive things you keep making happen in your life! I hope the recent developments in your job search are bearing fruit, fingers crossed. Sorry about the relapse, but you've had a nice mentality of "I'll keep powering through and won't let this affect me". Very good idea to use your own birthday's momentum!

 

[TypeN]

← Today, 03/19

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)

Hey gents. Checking back in again -- I meant to sooner.

I'm still coming off of a bit of a cold, but I've been having a decent few days. Yesterday I saw a good friend who I don't get to see often, because he moved away from the city after taking a leave from college. But it looks like he might be moving back soon to finish up school, and if he does we may end up living together. That would be great for me, I think -- living with a close friend.

We spent about 4 hours yesterday bouldering, and then played ping pong. I had a great time, and I'll probably get to see him next week too.

Some positive stuff...

- I've been noticing myself become a lot more sociable in low key ways, like I've mentioned before. People who I might have previously ignored or not said much to -- strangers or casual acquaintances -- I just casually strike up conversations with, at random times and places. The conversations flow pretty easily, and I don't care very much about awkwardness anymore.

- When it comes to attractive women, I'm also more relaxed. I feel like I'm putting them on a pedestal less and less, and I interact with them more like I do everyone else -- in an open, friendly, low-pressure way. It feels good -- like I'm really treating them like regular people. I think mainstream porn frequently dehumanizes women, and that sort of attitude infects one's mindset outside of porn use. So it's nice to see that going away. And it's a virtuous cycle: when I treat girls this way they are often open and friendly with me too. It feels "right."

- I just feel much more capable in most aspects of my interests and hobbies. I draw better, I play music better, I write better. Taking drawing as an example, I've been picking it back up as a hobby lately, and I've really surprised myself with how nicely some of my drawings turn out, with little effort.

...

Anywho. I'm still experiencing stress, negative rumination, and worry about the future. So it's important for me to point these good things out to myself.

Today in particular I am also experiencing some urges to MO. I plan to keep them at bay. I am thinking of making the MO days a twice-weekly thing, though, but to keep myself accountable I won't start doing that until I discuss it with my therapist.

That's all for today's wall of text. Cheers!

 

[Trisquel]

← Today, 03/19

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)

Hey gents. Checking back in again -- I meant to sooner.

I'm still coming off of a bit of a cold, but I've been having a decent few days. Yesterday I saw a good friend who I don't get to see often, because he moved away from the city after taking a leave from college. But it looks like he might be moving back soon to finish up school, and if he does we may end up living together. That would be great for me, I think -- living with a close friend.

We spent about 4 hours yesterday bouldering, and then played ping pong. I had a great time, and I'll probably get to see him next week too.

Some positive stuff...

- I've been noticing myself become a lot more sociable in low key ways, like I've mentioned before. People who I might have previously ignored or not said much to -- strangers or casual acquaintances -- I just casually strike up conversations with, at random times and places. The conversations flow pretty easily, and I don't care very much about awkwardness anymore.

- When it comes to attractive women, I'm also more relaxed. I feel like I'm putting them on a pedestal less and less, and I interact with them more like I do everyone else -- in an open, friendly, low-pressure way. It feels good -- like I'm really treating them like people. I think mainstream porn frequently dehumanizes women, and that sort of attitude infects one's mindset outside of porn use. So it's nice to see that going away. And it's a virtuous cycle: when I treat girls this way they are often open and friendly with me too. It feels "right."

- I just feel much more capable in most aspects of my interests and hobbies. I draw better, I play music better, I write better. Taking drawing as an example, I've been picking it back up as a hobby lately, and I've really surprised myself with how nicely some of my drawings turn out, with little effort.

...

Anywho. I'm still experiencing stress, negative rumination, and worry about the future. So it's important for me to point these good things out to myself.

Today in particular I am also experiencing some urges to MO. I plan to keep them at bay. I am thinking of making the MO days a twice-weekly thing, though, but to keep myself accountable I won't start doing that until I discuss it with my therapist.

That's all for today's wall of text. Cheers!

Hey, so good to see all the positive things! Is important to keep those un mind, things are not perfect but that doesn't mean we are not going in the right direction.
Bouldering is great, I try to go to a climbing gym as often as I can.
Good to see you sre connecting with friends!

Keep doing all the good work!
Cheers

 

[TypeN]

← Today, 03/22

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)

Well, I dropped off again. This time not so much because I was experiencing urges to relapse, but because of something distressing that happened to me on Monday. I have been feeling some urges as a result of the stress, particularly to let loose with MO ... but mostly my head's just been a mess this week.

It's pretty frustrating because what's setting me off is something someone did to me, not anything I failed to do to keep my mindset right.

Anyhow I don't plan to relapse with porn whatsoever -- despite feeling very low and stressed. But I am trying to keep my wits together and not act out with MO. After speaking with my therapist I'll be trying the 2 day a week routine.

On the bright side, I'll likely be seeing my good friend again later this week. In the meantime I'll try to not be hard on myself for being less productive.

 

[Androg]

Do you believe, deep down, that if you're upset you "deserve" to relapse (however you define it)? I ask because that may mean you think it's actually a benefit, rather than a liability in your life. Sometimes it's helpful to reframe things.

 

[TypeN]

Do you believe, deep down, that if you're upset you "deserve" to relapse (however you define it)? I ask because that may mean you think it's actually a benefit, rather than a liability in your life. Sometimes it's helpful to reframe things.

You're right, that's a good distinction to make. But no, I no longer believe that I "deserve" to or that it helps, at least abstractly. The way I've come to see it instead is that the addiction has deeply wired urges for pornography use into me as a stress response (even though PMO isn't a stress reliever). Because I am not fully recovered/rewired, that association remains to be broken. I expect that it will take some real time spent clean for my head to stop going there when I get stressed.

 

[Androg]

Good insight. You can do it even if you haven't yet!

 

[Trisquel]

Good reflection!

What can be another way for you to deal with stress?

 

[TypeN]

← Today, 03/24

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)

Still stressed at the moment, but somewhat improved. Yesterday I took action about what happened on Monday and it definitely gave me some relief. Afterwards I hit the gym for a solid workout.

Feeling a bit worn down and emotional today, but it will pass. I’ve been keeping productive with the job search now that the stress from Monday is mostly past. And I get to see my friend again tomorrow, which is cool.

Anyhow, maybe I should be grateful for these emotions I’m feeling, even though they don’t feel good. I spent years blunting pain with porn use and other kinds of escapism, and I know it’s far healthier for me to be in touch with how I feel.

Good reflection!

What can be another way for you to deal with stress?

Thanks man. I’m trying to figure that out still, but mindfulness and meditating with Headspace have been a big part of that lately. It can’t keep me from getting down when I’m feeling really stressed, but it does help me cope with it, and I’m more and more likely to look to meditation these days than to feel strong relapse urges.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Sounds good that you have the meditation as an alternative! And your mindset is right on the money - we have some wiring we don't want and we can change it overtime. I notice for myself also ( after having been not as consistent as I'd like) that just coming on the forum here, supporting and being supported is a help with stress too.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Hey TypeN. I hope you're feeling better and that the weekend treated you well. Hope that the time with this good friend was helpful!

 

[TypeN]

← Today, 03/27

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)

Thank you gents. I've been absent a bit but I'm still kickin'.

I had a great time with that friend who came in from out of town. He crashed at my place for the weekend, so we did many fun activities both days. It was a big relief for me to have that since I've been struggling a lot with my emotions lately. We're close friends, so I don't have to hide how I'm feeling around him, which allows me to more easily chill out and just have fun.

That said, I did have a few days where I MO'd outside of the schedule this week. I'm not beating myself up about it, because I know from experience that it isn't useful, and if anything just makes me more likely to relapse. And in the cases where I did decide to MO this week, it helped me to defuse some urges I was having to "peek" at substitutes or ruminate sexually.

At this point I think some of my urges are more identifiable with my sex drive than with withdrawals. I want to be able to do something about that (have intimacy/sex), but I still want to land a new job first. It's just, it's hard to ignore my sexual desire now that porn isn't obscuring my ability to see it ...

I'm also aware that this is the typical point in time in my cycle of abstinence where I'd end up relapsing. So that's part of why I'm not beating myself up. Progress not perfection, right?

Anyway, I'll try to check in more this week. I want this to be the streak where I get my shit together.

 

[TypeN]

← Today, 03/28

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)

Well, I had another MO day today. Strictly speaking, my MO doesn't feel particularly unhealthy lately. I have little interest in making any session longer than around 10-15 minutes, and I am much less tempted to fantasize pornographically. I'm also able to get off using physical stimulation alone.

But if I'm going to make this kind of simple MO a more frequent part of my life, I want that to be because I've made a thoughtful, informed decision, not because I've lapsed in management of my commitments. So I am committing to an MO-free day tomorrow and the day after. I've got lots to get done tomorrow, and I'd like to go lifting in the evening. I'll plan to channel my energy that way instead.

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Good perspective and awareness about not beating self up and recognizing progress - hope you got some lifting in and if not - hopefulyl soon - it is so wonderful on the mind and to release energy in, as you mentioned

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Yes, it's also about realising that our bodies don't have fixed rhythms either, right? Sometime we need to release, sometimes we don't. It's about listening to what you need in the moment and yet wonder "why do I need this now?". Perhaps do your best to make your MO sessions as "aware" as you can? I hope today went well!

 

[TypeN]

← Today, 03/30

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)

Holding strong. I did manage yesterday's no-MO day without too much trouble. Today I aim to do the same, and then I can consider what I want to do tomorrow.

I've been getting lots of relapse dreams (or nightmares) lately ... they're so vivid. It's to the point that, as they stir me from sleep, my half-awake brain wonders if I really have relapsed and begins to feel dread ... of course, I haven't, which I know once I actually wake up. But it's still distressing.

Oh well. It's a sign of healing, so I hear. Speaking of signs of healing, I get strong morning erections almost all the time lately -- even on the mornings after days where I've MO'd a few times. My sensitivity is certainly back as well.

Good perspective and awareness about not beating self up and recognizing progress - hope you got some lifting in and if not - hopefulyl soon - it is so wonderful on the mind and to release energy in, as you mentioned

Thanks -- didn't get to lift yesterday because of some job application stuff that cropped up -- but, today's the day.

Yes, it's also about realising that our bodies don't have fixed rhythms either, right? Sometime we need to release, sometimes we don't. It's about listening to what you need in the moment and yet wonder "why do I need this now?". Perhaps do your best to make your MO sessions as "aware" as you can? I hope today went well!

You're certainly right. It's funny, because I know this with respect to food, water, sleep, socializing and so on ... but it's almost like a foreign concept to me with sexual release, because of how addicted I have been to porn. When one is a porn addict, they're almost always "horny" ... because it's not about libido, it's about an obsessive addiction to sexual novelty.

I'll aim to be mindful, as you say.

 

[iwander]

Great work! 18 days that's impressive! It's good you don't forget about physical activities during your healing

 

[TypeN]

← Today, 03/31

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)

Still kicking, and planning to stay that way.

Feeling down again today, though. I suspect it has a little to do with deadlifting heavy yesterday. Although I have the physical energy/stamina to put in serious work in the gym these days, it does seem to take a big toll on my mood the next day, when I go all out.

Maybe the depressed mood is my body telling me that I shouldn't be doing anything else, in order to recover properly? I don't know. I suspect I could do better with dialing in my routines for sleeping and eating.

I did MO today, but I wasn't that interested in it. I kind of made myself do it (twice), in the hope that maybe some of what I was feeling with mood stemmed from sexual frustration, but evidently it did not because I didn't feel any better afterwards. I'll try to learn from that for the future.

 

[Androg]

Well, now you know what doesn't work.

 

[TypeN]

Well, I relapsed this morning...

April Fools.

Doing better after a night's sleep. I slept decently well, and then just had a chill morning/afternoon. Took a shower, did my home PT exercises, and then spent an hour or so sketching. Now I'm off to the gym again to lift.

In all seriousness I did experience some urges to look at substitutes last night, but ultimately avoided it. I may well make today a no-MO day.

Also, this marks 20 days clean, which is neat. Onwards to the 1-month mark.

← Today, 04/01

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)