That's good thinking! Being honest and open is important at times like this. Keep up the good work!
Moving forward!
- Thread starter TypeN
- Start date
the_mountain_goat
Active Member
Hey TypeN. We haven't seen you in a while here. I hope you're OK...? We hope to see you here soon!
Thank you for checking in @the_mountain_goat, I appreciate it.
As you guys may have guessed I’ve been doing poorly. I relapsed several times, which is certainly a part of it. But I’ve also had a lot of other things going on which have been even harder on me (at least emotionally).
In no particular order, some of the things I've been struggling with:
But it also doesn’t feel like much is going right lately, despite my trying harder than ever to live diligently these past months. I feel beaten down, run down, and lonely, even when I do the right thing. Being in that place has reminded me of why I became an addict in the first place.
Regardless, if I have to deal with all of these feelings, I at least want to have my dignity and self-respect. And so I am committing once again to getting back on track with sobriety.
I am not sure if I will make a commitment to no-MO this week, I will see. But I am determined to resume my healthy routines of:
My little tracker has been getting lengthy and it would be nice to have a fresh start visually after everything that's happened lately, so I’m starting a new one from here:
← Today, 05/04
(Key:
= no PMO; = no P; 
= substitutes; 
= relapse)
As you guys may have guessed I’ve been doing poorly. I relapsed several times, which is certainly a part of it. But I’ve also had a lot of other things going on which have been even harder on me (at least emotionally).
In no particular order, some of the things I've been struggling with:
- I didn’t get that job, and the hiring team was pretty cold about it. I’m trying to keep my head up about that and just keep applying to things but I can’t lie, it is rough for me any time I get deep into an interview process (3-4 rounds), start to get hopeful, and then get the no. The whole process just feels kind of dehumanizing, especially when a firm is dismissive and impersonal with me after I’ve put a lot of effort into engaging with them. Adding to that, my current work contract comes to an end in 2 months, with no definite opportunities on the horizon afterwards. I’m really anxious that I won’t manage to find something else in time to stay employed.
- My friend who I was hoping might move in with me has ghosted me. I know he has struggles of his own with his mental wellbeing, and he recently had to plan an annual memorial for his Dad’s passing (from COVID a few years ago), which I’m sure weighs heavily on him. But it still hurts me to be ghosted, because he is someone I consider a close friend (one of very few). If it can’t work he could just say so, but being ignored is hard for me to swallow.
- Last week I learned that my sister is in somewhere between $50-80k of credit card debt, which she has been keeping from everyone in the family except my mom. I don’t even know how to process that, it’s like a bombshell. Obviously it’s really dangerous for my sister’s financial situation, but I’m worried that it could also tear my family apart. I don’t even know what would happen if my Dad, who has rescued my sister from smaller debts before, found out. He might divorce my Mom for not telling him, he might disown my sister, god knows … something has to be done but I feel kind of powerless to do anything. Like myself, my sister also struggles with addiction in relation to our difficult upbringing (mostly with eating disorders in the past, but also spending). So that complicates how I feel about it all as well.
- Last week, I had a bad experience with a “friend”, who treated me really disrespectfully. I've felt more distant from them and another friend lately because of their behavior towards me, and this made me feel even worse about that.
- And to top all this off, my neighbors upstairs won’t stop stomping on my ceiling for hours on end, despite multiple complaints to management. I say stomping, but really what's causing the sound is that they're loudly fucking, for hours on end, each and every day/evening, including when I'm trying to wind down for bed on worknights ... living in a city apartment you expect to hear some of that, but when it's so constant, it's maddening.
But it also doesn’t feel like much is going right lately, despite my trying harder than ever to live diligently these past months. I feel beaten down, run down, and lonely, even when I do the right thing. Being in that place has reminded me of why I became an addict in the first place.
Regardless, if I have to deal with all of these feelings, I at least want to have my dignity and self-respect. And so I am committing once again to getting back on track with sobriety.
I am not sure if I will make a commitment to no-MO this week, I will see. But I am determined to resume my healthy routines of:
- Meditating with headspace >= 1x per day.
- Posting here, at least every other day.
- Making a short entry in my private journal, at least every other day.
- Doing my home PT exercises.
- And above all, not using porn or “substitutes.”
My little tracker has been getting lengthy and it would be nice to have a fresh start visually after everything that's happened lately, so I’m starting a new one from here:
← Today, 05/04(Key:
= no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)Hey, TypeN, I'm very sorry to hear all the stuff you are going through.
I hope you can manage and I hope you find courage to go through all of it.
I come from a dysfunctional family as well and I know how powerless you must be feeling right now, and how tiring it is to deal with all of it.
Also the uncertainty of the future is killing. I have been very anxious about my situation lately. I'm looking for a house in a very complicated place to do that, and it's a very similar experience as the one you explained with the hiring process. These days I have achieved a point where I just don't longer give a fuck about it. Is not like I don't care, I just try my best, I put my effort on it and then I don't longer give a goddamn fuck about what happens next. I'm doing my best and trying very hard, I just don't want to become crazy about the things I cannot control (the decision of the landlords, other people competing with me, the answers I get, etc...)
I hope you find something that helps you to don't loose hope and to keep trying, even if it's difficult I think it's worth it to just keep trying until something's comes out.
I also hope you take care of yourself, even if it feels shitty on the moment. You know. Eating healthy, don't isolating yourself, trying to be social and do rewarding stuff, sleeping properly and not going back to addictive behaviours to deal with emotions. I know it just doesn't feel right on the moment, but that's the way to go, as you probably know (I know a thing or two about depression, hehe
)
Have you explored a way of expressing your emotions? Any kind of art(maybe drawing), talking with a relative, a friend or a professional, meditating...
I mean, if we are to best this adiction we will have to figure out some way of dealing with emotions in a healthy way.
I know is difficult and I'm still figuring it out.
This is very personal, but sometimes I feel music can be a great company. Sometimes you find a song that gives you the feeling that is talking directly to you. I use it a lot as a support, it can be cathartic and reassuring. I leave behind a couple of songs I'm listening a lot lately.
Best wishes,
Trisquel
I hope you can manage and I hope you find courage to go through all of it.
I come from a dysfunctional family as well and I know how powerless you must be feeling right now, and how tiring it is to deal with all of it.
Also the uncertainty of the future is killing. I have been very anxious about my situation lately. I'm looking for a house in a very complicated place to do that, and it's a very similar experience as the one you explained with the hiring process. These days I have achieved a point where I just don't longer give a fuck about it. Is not like I don't care, I just try my best, I put my effort on it and then I don't longer give a goddamn fuck about what happens next. I'm doing my best and trying very hard, I just don't want to become crazy about the things I cannot control (the decision of the landlords, other people competing with me, the answers I get, etc...)
I hope you find something that helps you to don't loose hope and to keep trying, even if it's difficult I think it's worth it to just keep trying until something's comes out.
I also hope you take care of yourself, even if it feels shitty on the moment. You know. Eating healthy, don't isolating yourself, trying to be social and do rewarding stuff, sleeping properly and not going back to addictive behaviours to deal with emotions. I know it just doesn't feel right on the moment, but that's the way to go, as you probably know (I know a thing or two about depression, hehe
)Have you explored a way of expressing your emotions? Any kind of art(maybe drawing), talking with a relative, a friend or a professional, meditating...
I mean, if we are to best this adiction we will have to figure out some way of dealing with emotions in a healthy way.
I know is difficult and I'm still figuring it out.
This is very personal, but sometimes I feel music can be a great company. Sometimes you find a song that gives you the feeling that is talking directly to you. I use it a lot as a support, it can be cathartic and reassuring. I leave behind a couple of songs I'm listening a lot lately.
Best wishes,
Trisquel
Thank you Trisquel — I am touched by your reply.
I think you are right on the money about the uncertainty. Like it is for you with your housing process, it is very hard on me. It feels like there’s no time of day when I don’t worry about these things because when I am working on them I am thinking about them, and when I’m not working on them I feel like I’m not doing enough.
But I realize that I spend a lot of time worrying about things that I simply cannot control. And as you say, it is making me feel crazy. I will try to make it a goal to reach the place you are describing, of doing my best and then just letting go. I think that as I resume my mindfulness/meditation, I will direct it towards that kind of thing specifically.
I have been making art actually, much more regularly than in the past. It doesn’t feel like an emotional outlet per se, but it can distract me a little bit and its one of the few things I feel a little proud about sometimes. I will think about what else I can do. I have had an attitude lately of "not having time" for some of the stuff that improves my mood, but maybe sometimes I need to force myself to prioritize those over working on "more practical" things.
Anyhow, thank you for sharing those songs — they are great and I am honored. Here are two that I’ve been listening to sometimes:
I think you are right on the money about the uncertainty. Like it is for you with your housing process, it is very hard on me. It feels like there’s no time of day when I don’t worry about these things because when I am working on them I am thinking about them, and when I’m not working on them I feel like I’m not doing enough.
But I realize that I spend a lot of time worrying about things that I simply cannot control. And as you say, it is making me feel crazy. I will try to make it a goal to reach the place you are describing, of doing my best and then just letting go. I think that as I resume my mindfulness/meditation, I will direct it towards that kind of thing specifically.
I have been making art actually, much more regularly than in the past. It doesn’t feel like an emotional outlet per se, but it can distract me a little bit and its one of the few things I feel a little proud about sometimes. I will think about what else I can do. I have had an attitude lately of "not having time" for some of the stuff that improves my mood, but maybe sometimes I need to force myself to prioritize those over working on "more practical" things.
Anyhow, thank you for sharing those songs — they are great and I am honored. Here are two that I’ve been listening to sometimes:
the_mountain_goat
Active Member
Hey TypeN.
I'm so sorry about the relapse and the difficulties, yet the intention you came with by re-writing in your thread here is a HUGE first step!
You laid it all down and the keys are there. It's a matter of you using the keys in the most impactful ways. We've both been struggling because life and progression in life isn't linear. We've identified the contexts that don't make it easy for us, and right now we both are facing difficult contexts!
I really hope you keep seeing the psychological support you've talked about a few times before I believe?
Also, just dropping a thought here... Have you considered changing setting entirely? You seem to be living in a very difficult city and environment (I've heard many friends living there talking about how intense, tiring and demanding this city is!) Are you applying for jobs elsewhere? I know changing life entirely a couple of years ago has helped me a lot reinvent myself and feeling better about my life in general... Not saying you should do it, just wondering what this provocative thought will do in your head...!
And, here's a song from me I've been listening to recently
And LOVING "I only always think" - didn't know the musician, but loving it! Thanks for sharing.
I'm so sorry about the relapse and the difficulties, yet the intention you came with by re-writing in your thread here is a HUGE first step!
You laid it all down and the keys are there. It's a matter of you using the keys in the most impactful ways. We've both been struggling because life and progression in life isn't linear. We've identified the contexts that don't make it easy for us, and right now we both are facing difficult contexts!
I really hope you keep seeing the psychological support you've talked about a few times before I believe?
Also, just dropping a thought here... Have you considered changing setting entirely? You seem to be living in a very difficult city and environment (I've heard many friends living there talking about how intense, tiring and demanding this city is!) Are you applying for jobs elsewhere? I know changing life entirely a couple of years ago has helped me a lot reinvent myself and feeling better about my life in general... Not saying you should do it, just wondering what this provocative thought will do in your head...!
And, here's a song from me I've been listening to recently
And LOVING "I only always think" - didn't know the musician, but loving it! Thanks for sharing.
Last edited:
Hey all.
I had another relapse early yesterday, which is why I dropped off. I’m going to stop dropping off if/when that happens, since being ashamed of it does absolutely nothing for me and only makes the problem worse (as I’ve said to myself many times before). I just can’t care about shame anymore; what matters is that I’m trying, and posting here is trying.
I’m still doing very rough emotionally. On the plus side I will likely have an interview with another recruiter (from a second firm) later this week. That is a positive, but it does make me anxious as well, because I don’t feel like myself right now. Hopefully I can project a good demeanor anyway.
I will go no-MO tomorrow; I need to dedicate my energy to preparing for this. Compulsive behavior will only throw me more off balance than I already feel (as it has been doing for awhile now).
← Today, 05/08
(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)
Thank you my friend, I appreciate the thoughts and encouragement.
I am still seeing my therapist, yes. I’ve been leaning on that a lot, actually. He’s been a big help in walking me through some of the practical things I’ve got to get done in the next few weeks.
As to setting, I likely don’t plan to stay in NYC super long term, but for the foreseeable few years I think I want to .. I’ve got family here, and some social connections (more than I do anywhere else, anyhow), and although I’m very unhappy right at this moment I am “settled in.” But who knows what the future holds.
Anyhow love the song dude, thanks for sharing. Glad you enjoyed the Electrelane track too.
I had another relapse early yesterday, which is why I dropped off. I’m going to stop dropping off if/when that happens, since being ashamed of it does absolutely nothing for me and only makes the problem worse (as I’ve said to myself many times before). I just can’t care about shame anymore; what matters is that I’m trying, and posting here is trying.
I’m still doing very rough emotionally. On the plus side I will likely have an interview with another recruiter (from a second firm) later this week. That is a positive, but it does make me anxious as well, because I don’t feel like myself right now. Hopefully I can project a good demeanor anyway.
I will go no-MO tomorrow; I need to dedicate my energy to preparing for this. Compulsive behavior will only throw me more off balance than I already feel (as it has been doing for awhile now).
← Today, 05/08(Key:
= no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)Hey TypeN.
I'm so sorry about the relapse and the difficulties, yet the intention you came with by re-writing in your thread here is a HUGE first step!
You laid it all down and the keys are there. It's a matter of you using the keys in the most impactful ways. We've both been struggling because life and progression in life isn't linear. We've identified the contexts that don't make it easy for us, and right now we both are facing difficult contexts!
I really hope you keep seeing the psychological support you've talked about a few times before I believe?
Also, just dropping a thought here... Have you considered changing setting entirely? You seem to be living in a very difficult city and environment (I've heard many friends living there talking about how intense, tiring and demanding this city is!) Are you applying for jobs elsewhere? I know changing life entirely a couple of years ago has helped me a lot reinvent myself and feeling better about my life in general... Not saying you should do it, just wondering what this provocative thought will do in your head...!
And, here's a song from me I've been listening to recently
And LOVING "I only always think" - didn't know the musician, but loving it! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you my friend, I appreciate the thoughts and encouragement.
I am still seeing my therapist, yes. I’ve been leaning on that a lot, actually. He’s been a big help in walking me through some of the practical things I’ve got to get done in the next few weeks.
As to setting, I likely don’t plan to stay in NYC super long term, but for the foreseeable few years I think I want to .. I’ve got family here, and some social connections (more than I do anywhere else, anyhow), and although I’m very unhappy right at this moment I am “settled in.” But who knows what the future holds.
Anyhow love the song dude, thanks for sharing. Glad you enjoyed the Electrelane track too.
← Today, 05/09(Key:
= no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)Just finished my daily Headspace meditation. I’ve been doing a series focused on “Acceptance”, and in today’s session the Headspace guide said something interesting at the end.
Something to the effect of, “we’re not aiming here to achieve something abstract or contrived like ‘being more accepting’ of other things or people’.” But rather, the idea is that just by observing, being mindful of and giving space to the things that we resist in our daily life, that the sense of resistance we feel for them will naturally untangle.
I thought that was interesting, because I did go into this series of sessions with the so-called “contrived” intention. So the idea that it’s unnecessary, and that mindfulness itself will naturally lead me to that place, is intriguing. Here’s hoping.
Last edited:
the_mountain_goat
Active Member
Yes! Thanks for sharing TypeN. Meditation has a lot to offer I think. I hope we can both keep up with it! Will go off and do my session now.
← Today, 05/11(Key:
= no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)Had the day off from work today, so I decided to take advantage of it.
I did two meditation sessions in the morning, and then about 25 minutes of home PT. Although that didn’t right my mood completely, it brought me into a mellower headspace than when I woke up.
Then I went to my gym, which has an outdoor lounging area, to do interview prep. Sitting in the sun and taking things slow, I did in about 1.5 hours of work what I’d struggled to do even a little bit of on any other day this week.
After that I found myself in the mood to work out, so I did some deadlifts. And then I went bouldering for about 2 hours. That was probably the highlight of my day. Despite being fatigued I managed a bunch of harder V2s. Towards the end I almost got my first ever V3 as well; I just couldn’t match my second hand on the last hold. I’ve got a feeling I can manage that next time, when I’m fresh.
This was the first pretty decent day I’ve had in what feels like a long, long while. I think I owe that to meditation, but also to exercise … I guess in the past few weeks away from the gym, I’ve underestimated how much of an outlet it is for my distress. Now that it seems like my tailbone injury is waning (and nothing I did today seemed to aggravate it much, including heavy deadlifts), I will try to slowly resume my regular schedule of exercise.
Thank you for checking in; I haven't been doing well. I won’t make a long post this time venting about it, but suffice it to say that I relapsed again on Sunday.
What I will do more of is post here. I think I will take your example of committing to sobriety every day, Trisquel. I am feeling very poorly lately and so for now it really needs to be a daily commitment.
I also want to start cultivating some gratitude in the face of my depression. I think I have let myself go too far with negative ideation. It’s understandable to me how I got here, but I want to do better for myself. Tonight I will listen to a podcast about practicing gratitude while I take care of some chores.
Anyhow, I commit to the rest of tonight porn and MO-free. I will check back tomorrow.
What I will do more of is post here. I think I will take your example of committing to sobriety every day, Trisquel. I am feeling very poorly lately and so for now it really needs to be a daily commitment.
I also want to start cultivating some gratitude in the face of my depression. I think I have let myself go too far with negative ideation. It’s understandable to me how I got here, but I want to do better for myself. Tonight I will listen to a podcast about practicing gratitude while I take care of some chores.
Anyhow, I commit to the rest of tonight porn and MO-free. I will check back tomorrow.
I'm very sorry to hear you are stryggling, TypeN.
I hope you can find a way of not beeing to hars on yourself. Depression is a heavy burden, and life circumstanses are difficult.
I hope also that you find a way of taking care of yourself and your stuff. It is difficuly sometimes, I know.
Maybe an acountabilitty partner could help you? I am looking for someone as well, I haven't been doing very good lately, so maybe we can team up to keep each other acountable.
Best of wishes,
Trsiquel
I hope you can find a way of not beeing to hars on yourself. Depression is a heavy burden, and life circumstanses are difficult.
I hope also that you find a way of taking care of yourself and your stuff. It is difficuly sometimes, I know.
Maybe an acountabilitty partner could help you? I am looking for someone as well, I haven't been doing very good lately, so maybe we can team up to keep each other acountable.
Best of wishes,
Trsiquel
The podcast ended up being interesting and not what I was expecting. It was an episode titled “The Science of Gratitude & How to Build a Gratitude Practice,” delivered by Andrew Huberman, a popular neuroscientist. He goes into evidence about gratitude and gratitude practices from the scientific literature, and then draws that evidence together to offer his own suggestions for developing a “gratitude protocol.” I took the notes below on it for myself if anyone is curious, although the episode itself is definitely worth a listen. The most salient point is that, based on his appraisal of the evidence, gratitude lists are not that effective (so he goes into his own ideas for a strong alternative).
Anyway, I thought this episode was intriguing and surprising. I’ll be giving this basic practice a shot this week as part of my working to get back on track.
Gratitude is a very powerful emotion/function/capacity of the brain for improving mental well-being. However, while counting your blessings is virtuous, gratitude lists are not a very effective tool for activating the “gratitude circuity” in your brain.
- They can be made slightly more effective if, prior to writing out and “feeling into” the sentiments of what you’re grateful for, you physically induce a focused mental state, for example by deeply hyperventilating for about 30 seconds before making and dwelling on your list.
- You can’t build a practice around being grateful for things that you actually dislike or don’t much care for; the neural circuits “know better” and won’t be fooled.
- This could take the form of a rich and persuasive story you read about or saw in real life, or a movie, or a documentary film. Or it could draw from a time when someone expressed genuine gratefulness towards you. Either works, but what’s important is the quality of the story and how strongly it makes you, personally, feel (so, a powerful fictional story would likely work better than a tepid one from real life).
- You need to “set the stage” by creating a rich initial appreciation for that story, “feeling into” it the same way you might try to with a gratitude list. Here it helps to write out the story at length, going into detail about the people involved, the actions they took, how that made a difference for the person being helped, and the way it made them feel. This part is a little involved, but you only have to do it in the first session.
- Thereafter, it doesn’t have to take a lot of time, and a little goes a long way. After you've done the step above, you can bullet out the basic elements of the story into a short form summary. Then, using that summary as a reference point, as little as 1-5 minutes of dwelling on the story and its elements at some random moment in your day or week can produce an outsized impact on mental well-being. This differs from a practice like meditation, which takes slow, disciplined and often lengthy regular practice to produce gradual neural change. Once you have a gratitude practice of this kind “up and running”, it requires hardly any effort to reap significant, growing benefit.
- An element of repetition is necessary for this to work. The good news is that because of the outsized positive impact, even by “repeating” the practice as infrequently as 1-2 times per week, one could theoretically accrue substantive improvement in mental well-being (although more is probably better).
- Large reductions in fear-producing brain activity (particularly in the amygdala).
- A dampening in elements of the immune system’s inflammatory response (some inflammation is necessary for health, but excessive inflammation, which can arise from significant psychological distress, is unhealthy).
Anyway, I thought this episode was intriguing and surprising. I’ll be giving this basic practice a shot this week as part of my working to get back on track.
Thank you very much Trisquel, I appreciate your support (and everyone else who reads this thread).
I would be happy to be partners. If you have anything specific in mind, you can let me know here or by PM. Cheers man.
Edit: Also, committing to no MO tonight.
Lots to do today. Not feeling great as usual, but last night I worked on a lot of practical things that I need to get done, so at least I'm doing the right thing. I plan to keep that going today.
Committing to no MO for the day (and obviously, no P). If for some reason I find myself feeling tempted about the former, I promise myself to at least check in here first.
Off I go.
Committing to no MO for the day (and obviously, no P). If for some reason I find myself feeling tempted about the former, I promise myself to at least check in here first.
Off I go.