Moving forward!

[TypeN]

Hi TypeN.

I'm new here. Just read your thread. I like what you said earlier about porn blockers. It's helpful but "it has to come from within".

Glad you've done good progress. Also good that you're gentle with yourself and avoiding shame and frustration. I know I definitely feel that. It has to be a nice balance between being nice and tough with yourself.

And important as you said to explore these other things in life that bring us healthy dopamine. What might these be for you?

Thanks mate. And welcome to the forum.

I think a big one for me is becoming more social. I've always thought of myself as pretty introverted, but I think I'm much more naturally outgoing than I give myself credit for, it's just masked by addiction and other challenges in my life. So that's a big one I want to work on, and even just what I've done so far is showing results. But also lifting weights/other athletics, cooking, creative stuff ... especially art, since I'm a very visual person (like many of us here, I suspect; lol).

Quitting is going to give us so much time back, so there's so much to explore. In a way that's very exciting, I think.

 

[the_land_before_time]

It's so nice to see how one blooms the further away he is from porn! Same about the socialness. I'm a lot more socially comfortable when porn isn't in my life. Great!

 

[TypeN]

Thanks man.

Well, today is Day 1 no MO, Day 9 no P. I cracked on the no MO last night. I was battling urges all day long. On the bright side, I did win that battle most of the day by doing other, positive things with my time. And it made me feel really powerful to consistently say no to such a strong urge. But I did finally jerk off once I was lying in bed to go to sleep -- nothing left to distract myself with, I guess. I'm disappointed, but I'm not going to use this as a chance to give up on a full reboot. It's time to use this week to prove to myself that I can do this even during a boring period of time.

Thinking about what went wrong this time:
- I had a couple incidents this week where I let myself get sucked into viewing exciting non-porn material, before stopping myself. I may have stopped, but that put me back into the loop of stimulation => excitement => eventual MO. This week I will try my hardest to avoid all such triggers as consciously as possible.
- I got covid, so I have to stay home quarantined. My flatmate is immunocompromised, so I have little choice but to spend most of my time in my room, for his safety. But he leaves next week, so circumstances will be more relaxed, and by then I'll be better anyway. In the meantime I will use these circumstances as a chance to strengthen my patience.

Really the biggest hurdle was dealing with arousal once I was triggered - it really doesn't like to go away. So I need to practice real discipline in avoiding triggers.

 

[Trisquel]

Well, smooth going so far. Today's been a rough day though. I went to the gym yesterday and worked really hard, and then for the life of me couldn't sleep last night, which is always a rough combo. So I was tired and frustrated all day at work.

I've been ruminating a lot throughout the day about stuff that I'm frustrated about. I feel really directionless right now ... I see a lot of the people I went to school with working well-paying/skilled jobs, in relationships, generally moving forward in life and building their future ... and while I feel like I have potential to be going somewhere too, I'm just ... not. There are things I could be doing to make my life better and healthier, but living a healthier life won't on its own fulfill that higher-level need of "direction" ... and I have no fucking clue what I want to do with my life. The pandemic really de-railed my sense of purpose and productivity, and now I just feel lost with no roadmap, with only half of my 20s left. I know I'm not alone in that, but it's hard to not compare myself to my age-peers. And in my day-to-day life, it just doesn't feel like there's anybody "in my corner" about this stuff. It's all up to me ... if I don't do something, no one else will help me get there. I guess that's just what responsibility means as an adult, but it's a really lonely feeling.

What makes it harder is that there's a lot of trauma in my past and my upbringing, but I don't really feel like I have an outlet for it, other than therapy. As a man it's pretty hard for me to find relationships where I'm comfortable being vulnerable, without worrying if it will change how people treat me. I feel jealous of female acquaintances and colleagues, who I often see casually venting about that sort of stuff with no fear of judgement. Some of my challenges are uncommon at best or stigmatized at worst (homeschooling, for example), so I'm hesitant to be vulnerable about them even with people I see as generally sympathetic.

I know there's a lot I could do to improve my mindset about this kind of stuff, but it's easier said than done.

This is when I'd normally obliterate my thoughts with binging. I won't now, which means sitting with these and other negative thoughts. Trying to give myself credit for that.

There is credit in that.

I left my school this year to move to another country with my girlfriend and to start from scratch because I was living in a toxic family enviorement my hometown.
Sometimes I compare myself with the peopple I see around me and I cannot help but thinking that they have completly different lifes, that they don´t have to stuggle with a shitty family, or past, or to move to another place to start from scratch.

But I know is no use to compare, we are just different peopple with different experiencies and that´s allright. Now I´m feeling the pressure to make something with my life and find my way, at an age where a lot of peopple don´t, with some circustances that a lot of peopple don´t have, and it feels lonely, but that´s just how it goes.

Take your time to figure it out. I´ve been telling myself that for the last months, and I´m starting to realize that´s true. evry life is different and none is really wrong, we are just walking at our own time.


I think is great that you are trying to deal with that without porn, I´m trying to do the same.
Good luck with it!

 

[TypeN]

I’m very frustrated to admit it, but I had a full relapse last night.

I’m not really sure what came over me. I think it was the combination of being stir-crazy indoors, having lost my MO streak, and irrationally coveting orgasm. But I lost my cool and instead of just jerking off like the day before, I decided to try to sabotage my restrictions instead … and it worked. Subsequently I binged for an extended number of hours before finally fixing the restrictions.

So fucking dumb. It really didn’t even feel good. The only “good” feeling I had was the rush of excitement I got when I decided to relapse and started looking for porn … because I let myself be deluded that I had a genuine craving for it. Obviously if I spend a number of hours telling myself I’m deprived of something, then deciding to finally “let loose” is going to “feel good.” But the act itself? So totally underwhelming. I spent so much time yesterday bored, disappointed, and depressed by my failure, both during and after the act. There wasn’t a single moment of PMO that felt even close to good enough to balance that out. I even watched a few videos I’d been “craving” for weeks … they were just as underwhelming as everything else.

I guess this is a good reminder that recovery from this disease is also about my beliefs, not just rewiring my brain. Despite everything I know, I believed I was craving PMO, I believed I was depriving myself, and I believed it would feel good to relapse. None of those beliefs came true, but they did help me relapse. They have to be rooted out.

Back to square 1. Day 1 of both no P and no MO. Fuck PMO. It doesn’t feel good.

 

[TypeN]

There is credit in that.

I left my school this year to move to another country with my girlfriend and to start from scratch because I was living in a toxic family enviorement my hometown.
Sometimes I compare myself with the peopple I see around me and I cannot help but thinking that they have completly different lifes, that they don´t have to stuggle with a shitty family, or past, or to move to another place to start from scratch.

But I know is no use to compare, we are just different peopple with different experiencies and that´s allright. Now I´m feeling the pressure to make something with my life and find my way, at an age where a lot of peopple don´t, with some circustances that a lot of peopple don´t have, and it feels lonely, but that´s just how it goes.

Take your time to figure it out. I´ve been telling myself that for the last months, and I´m starting to realize that´s true. evry life is different and none is really wrong, we are just walking at our own time.


I think is great that you are trying to deal with that without porn, I´m trying to do the same.
Good luck with it!

Thanks for this take dude. You’re absolutely right, and you’ve got a healthy perspective here. I’ve been trying to look at it through the lens of humility; the world is full of people who struggle in different ways, and I am one of many such people. Nobody else gets to wish away their struggles, so neither do I.

Anyway, good on you for seeking out a better life away from home. That takes strength, and I’m sure that same strength can help you beat this.

 

[Simon2]

Stay with it! I've been where you are today so many times - for 30 f'in years. When will we learn that it never ends with "feeling good"? Bookmark this post and read it next time you are tempted! I keep looking at the very first post in my journal to remind myself why I'm doing this...

I find those first few weeks of no PMO pretty torturous - but if we can just not make porn an option at all in our brains it helps. Soon it will get a bit easier

It's great that you have a therapist! I think that is so helpful for us to figure ourselves out, and also get some support. Addictions, and this one in particular, can be very lonely.

 

[seano]

Get back at it. Now you know it was all a façade. Porn has nothing real to offer. Let this be a jumping point into an even stronger streak. 9 days is great without P, but I know you are capable of giving up this addiction for good!

 

[TypeN]

Thank you both. I appreciate the perspective. I’ll bookmark this post and take this as an opportunity to come back stronger and with a fresh mindset.

This will get easier, and I will get stronger.

(Today has been good -- not missing P or MO).

 

[TypeN]

Well, after the other days this week, I ended up PMO relapsing again — twice. I’m trying to understand why. Something that’s coming to mind is an analogy from the EasyPeasy hack book, which is a book about quitting porn that some of you may be familiar with. In the book, the author characterizes porn addiction as two “monsters”. The first is a little one, which is the actual chemical withdrawals and other unpleasant physiological symptoms of abstinence. This one supposedly doesn’t last very long; maybe a couple of days (in my experience, that’s fairly accurate). Then there’s a big one, which are the beliefs that drive you back into addiction even if you beat the little one.

I think what got me several days ago was the big one; believing that I was depriving myself/would enjoy using porn. What’s made me relapse now twice, I think, is the little one: chemical withdrawal. I think this is the case because, like I reported in an earlier post, it now isn’t so clear to me that porn isn’t pleasurable during the act, even though I said the other day, in no uncertain terms, that I didn’t enjoy my relapse. How can both of those things be true? The only conclusion I can come to is that relapsing/binging has freshly disturbed the chemical balance in my brain. I’ve made myself miserable enough with these dopaminergic binges that my brain is now fooled into finding porn “pleasurable” again.

Not really sure where I’m going with this. Just really frustrated and trying to understand my behavior, because rationally, it doesn’t make any damn sense. Anyway, I want to commit again to sobriety, at least for the few days until my therapy appointment Tuesday. I’m not sure if I’ll rule out MO until then, but I will rule out P. Right now I just need to beat the little monster again so I can get back on track, and then take another crack at no MO.

I’ll post here again tomorrow evening to report on whether I managed to stay clean.

 

[TypeN]

Porn free today, and it wasn't too hard. Shooting for the same thing tomorrow; and I'll finally be back at work, not cooped up recovering from covid! I'll circle back then.

 

[the_land_before_time]

Hey TypeN. I was away from screens this weekend and just saw your posts. You're fighting a difficult battle here. Don't beat yourself up. I recognize myself a lot in your description of your first relapse. How it feels like it's taking over your willpower and all. And how it's not even so enjoyable in the end. I feel like the advice of reading your post again is a good one, not just when you feel like relapsing, but on a daily basis. Sort of re-visiting your main lessons learned. Reminding yourself of your core 'beliefs' about your porn use, until they stick in your head.

My own beliefs, as I've shared in my first post, that I try to remind myself daily...

1. Porn doesn't help me feeling less bored, on the contrary
2. Porn doesn't help me relax, on the contrary, it creates post-O anxiety
3. Porn doesn't help me feeling more confident sexually, on the contrary
4. Sex is ONE of the dimensions of my life, not the center of it, it's OK if I don't always excel in it
5. I'm capable of stopping porn, I've done it before and it was great

Do you know what context/triggers led you to relapse that first time?

 

[TypeN]

Hey TypeN. I was away from screens this weekend and just saw your posts. You're fighting a difficult battle here. Don't beat yourself up. I recognize myself a lot in your description of your first relapse. How it feels like it's taking over your willpower and all. And how it's not even so enjoyable in the end. I feel like the advice of reading your post again is a good one, not just when you feel like relapsing, but on a daily basis. Sort of re-visiting your main lessons learned. Reminding yourself of your core 'beliefs' about your porn use, until they stick in your head.

My own beliefs, as I've shared in my first post, that I try to remind myself daily...

1. Porn doesn't help me feeling less bored, on the contrary
2. Porn doesn't help me relax, on the contrary, it creates post-O anxiety
3. Porn doesn't help me feeling more confident sexually, on the contrary
4. Sex is ONE of the dimensions of my life, not the center of it, it's OK if I don't always excel in it
5. I'm capable of stopping porn, I've done it before and it was great

Do you know what context/triggers led you to relapse that first time?

Thanks for the support man. Those are solid guiding principles.

It was a couple of things I think:
- Had covid, so couldn’t stay productive by going to work.
- Also couldn’t go to the gym, which is a big outlet for me energy wise and emotionally.
- Had to quarantine almost entirely in my room, because my flatmate is immunocompromised.

Those are all big triggers for me, because that’s very similar to the lifestyle I’ve lead when I’ve been at my worst with porn use: shutting myself in my room bored and alone, without much human interaction. This was also the first time I’ve tried no MO since I was a teenager, so that was a big emotional challenge.

Listing those things out, I feel less bad. There was a perfect storm of factors for relapse. But anyway, I’ve stayed clean from porn today and yesterday despite the fact that there’s now a loophole in my restrictions that I can’t patch without waiting a few days. A month ago I would’ve exploited a loophole like that to binge porn continuously until I patched the loophole. These past two days I have not, so I’m not just depending on my restrictions anymore. That’s a victory for sure.

That said, I definitely need to also put substitutes off the table; stuff like sexy imagery from YouTube or Instagram, because for me its a slippery slope to watching porn. From now on I’ll commit to being totally upfront here if I end up browsing such images, and will certainly consider resetting my counter if I do.

 

[the_land_before_time]

These are factors that for sure make it difficult for you. I relate as well. Loneliness, boredom and lack of physical/outdoor activities are definitely something that encourage relapse. Good to try to think if these factors will manifest themselves in the coming days and try to think of ways to counter them. I find that including it in my journal really helps! Keep it up!

 

[TypeN]

Day 3 no P. Feeling great today, and had a great appointment with my therapist. I feel like I've really been experiencing a change in mindset lately, despite those hiccups last week. A month ago I rationally wanted to quit, but looking back, I think emotionally I didn't. And that was the state I had been stuck in for more than a year before then. More and more these days I feel like both rationally and emotionally I want a porn-free life. That gives me big optimism for the future, because if I can get my emotions on board with my rational brain then I'll be in a really strong spot.

Planning to keep going with just no P for awhile, with MO still on the table. Maybe a couple weeks of that. The next step I'm considering is to allow MO only when I can get off without fantasy/imagination. After a couple of weeks of that, then I'll see how I'm feeling about no MO at all, a full reboot.

Onward.

 

[the_land_before_time]

Good to read! Careful with the MO still right, as the ‘rebound’ effect can lead you to want more the days following and that can cause a relapse. I know it’s something I aspire to (healthy MO) but sometimes I struggle keeping it just that. And sometimes I just like to keep that energy in until I have real-life partners.

 

[TypeN]

Good to read! Careful with the MO still right, as the ‘rebound’ effect can lead you to want more the days following and that can cause a relapse. I know it’s something I aspire to (healthy MO) but sometimes I struggle keeping it just that. And sometimes I just like to keep that energy in until I have real-life partners.

Yeah definitely trying to be careful with it! Luckily for the most part I don’t find myself craving porn in connection with MO alone. I’d rather go cold turkey with it, but now I think it’s probably best for me to slowly ease in. Kind of like what you were talking about with control on your thread; I think if I do it all at once I’ll have a reaction of wanting to let loose, so maybe better to gradually adjust my brain to milder and milder sexual activity. I’ll see how that goes I guess!

 

[the_land_before_time]

That's true. You cannot control everything all the time. It's like trying to make a dam without any water escaping, there's a clear risk of collapse at some point. It's all about balance. Hope you can find that!

 

[TypeN]

End of no P Day 6.

Things have been going alright. On the one hand, I’ve stayed clean from porn, and I even went MO-free yesterday without planning to. On the other, I’m realizing that fantasy-based MO isn’t right for me anymore. I’ve had a challenging week for reasons unrelated to my addiction, and combined with fantasizing when I MO, that's been pushing me back into a pornographic headspace. My fantasies are venturing more frequently into the realm of porn kinks and I'm MO'ing more often. These sessions feel quasi-pornographic, and they also feel shameful, which strengthens the sensation of sexual "craving" (another way in which this addiction is really about feeling bad, not feeling good. It's important to remind myself of that).

I haven't let that push me across the line, but I'm an addict, and as an addict I know that eventually it would. So it's time now to move on to cleaner MO. No more fantasies or imagination allowed. I'll keep myself accountable about that here!

I'm going to take this weekend to take care of myself and re-center my mind after a long week. I've been in this headspace before; emotionally not far from relapse, but still clean. I can seize this uncomfortable moment to make progress in mastering myself. I'll check back in here tomorrow to report on that.

 

[the_land_before_time]

Hey TypeN. I totally relate with the "pornographic" headspace and "porn kinks". You get to a point where you're not sure which fantasy is porn-induced and which is just your own 'natural' desire - although I believe there isn't such a thing. I agree it's important to bring yourself as far away as you can from such a pornographic headspace, so that you can find more real, honest, intimate stimulation. One that doesn't bring you shame, but true comfort, happiness and balance