← Today, 01/09.
Hello guys. Sorry for dropping off, I got overwhelmed by this week. But thank you for your support -- I really appreciate it.
I had a little porn relapse yesterday unfortunately. It was only about a half hour long, and it was a kind of softcore content. But I’m not going to lie to myself; I MO’d with images on a screen, so it was a relapse.
I have had mixed success with no MO these past days. Honestly, I think I might not have relapsed to P if I hadn’t been trying no MO. But I don’t take that as a sign that no MO isn’t right for me. Instead, what it shows is that this is the real challenge I must face. If no porn was healing my brain well enough, I would not relapse to porn after failing to abstain from MO. But I did; both this time and after my last no MO streak. If I really want to change my brain, I need to reinvent my daily life without
compulsive sexual behavior.
As far as the reasons I’ve struggled to avoid MO, I think there are several:
1) I've let myself get sucked into ruminating sexually during the day, at times; like I've noticed before. There are a variety of triggers for this, including emotions like loneliness, but I have not effectively intervened in this thinking as it starts happening. So on any given day it slowly snowballs, I indulge it, and then it feels like a coin toss whether or not I ultimately decide to MO.
2) Sleep deprivation; I have not fixed my sleep schedule, while at the same time I’ve increased the frequency with which I lift weights and do other productive activities, like applying for new jobs, looking out for my family, and so on — putting further energy demands on my mind and body. I know
fatigue is a core risk factor for me. It makes it much harder to control rumination in general, including sexual rumination. But I’ve been putting off fixing it. That has to change.
3) Finally I’m not being as consistent with little habits as I should be. I have not meditated, or journaled, or done other such exercises consistently, and so I am struggling to establish a resilient, lucid mindset when faced with urges. I also need to post here more often.
I want to do a few things in response to this situation, but I’ll start with the following 2:
- For the next 3 days including today, I will wake up, eat breakfast, and then meditate. After meditating, I will make a post in my journal here each day. It doesn’t have to be a long one; just whatever I feel like saying. That way, before anything else I do these next few days, I have set a positive, sober tone for my mindset and day.
- I will plan to flip my sleep schedule so that I get up early and work out. Monday is the day I will begin this switch; I will get up around 6, and go to the gym, no matter how I feel. I may be sleep deprived — but if and when I am, I will remind myself that I have been sleep deprived anyway, every day of the work week, because of my messed up sleep schedule, and making this change will help me fix that. And I will not push myself too hard in the gym, as I get started with this.
In the next couple days I'll brainstorm here about what else I can do (of course I also welcome suggestions). That's all for now though.