Moving forward!

[Trisquel]

Hey, @TypeN, keep strong!
I hope you can manage trhough the weekend and next week. Sometimes is not so easy and it feels rough, but we are still moving in the direction we want to. Remember to be gentle to yourself and to keep space for pleaseant activities you care about. I´m learning now how important that is, not everything is discipline and avoiding bad behaviours. It is also about loving yourself and letting yourself loose for "rewiring things", if you wanna call it like that.

Cheers and best whises!

 

[TypeN]

← Today, 03/05

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)

So I tried not taking the nasal steroid last night, and I do feel better. I am not 100% sure it was the cause, but the almost physical sensation of negativity I mentioned yesterday seems to be gone today. For the next day or so I'll go without it, and then see if taking it in the morning might work instead (it could be the problem comes from how it disturbs my sleep, when taken before bed).

Yesterday I really didn’t feel like lifting as planned, but I wanted to workout. So I hit the gym for a run instead. It went:

Miles 1, 2, 3: 9:05
Mile 4: 8:34
Mile 5: 8:00

For an average of around 8:45 … not far off from what I guessed before, and I was not fresh going in! Perhaps in a few weeks I could hit a consistent 8-minute mile.

Hey, @TypeN, keep strong!
I hope you can manage trhough the weekend and next week. Sometimes is not so easy and it feels rough, but we are still moving in the direction we want to. Remember to be gentle to yourself and to keep space for pleaseant activities you care about. I´m learning now how important that is, not everything is discipline and avoiding bad behaviours. It is also about loving yourself and letting yourself loose for "rewiring things", if you wanna call it like that.

Cheers and best whises!

Thanks bud. You're definitely right, I need to be actively building in more pleasant activities. I've lost sight of that a little bit because of needing to put in work on other parts of my life right now, but ... it's important to my sobriety, so it's important to the rest of my life. If I can get a starter culture going I'll be baking sourdough bread this week! So that will be fun.

 

[TypeN]

Ok, so contrary to my fears I did not kill my sourdough starter, and it was blowing up with growth today. Sourdough starter is just flour and water, allowed to ferment for awhile and re-fed periodically with more flour/water (in my case I boosted it with a dry culture I bought to get things going faster).

As it grows you have to discard some of the growing mass to make more space in the culturing vessel. But apparently you don't have to throw it out ... you can also just cook it up and eat it. I watched this video and then did just that as a side dish for my dinner tonight, using parmesan and havarti instead of the add-ons he used. And then I made the little sauce the dude suggested (vinegar/soy sauce/sesame oil).

It was fucking delicious, god damn. In like a really simple way, but man ... good stuff. If just throwing the starter in a pan was this good, I'm really looking forward to the actual bread. Maybe I'll give that a shot tomorrow evening.

Lol funny thing to talk about on a porn recovery forum, but I thought I should post about something positive for a change.

 

[Trisquel]

Hehe, baking is fun, sounds amazing!

 

[the_mountain_goat]

So happy you're finding joy in these new activities!! It's so important. And so important to acknowledge them.

That's what I'm feeling I've been missing in the last few days of travel I've been doing: I'm sort of sucked into many things I'm not a fan of, no time for myself and not feeling like I'm in a comfortable place and/or a place that I belong in/ find peace in...!

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Hey! Just caught up on your journal. Looks like the working out was great and you have some pretty good momentum. That is one good thing about reading the whole thing at once I suppose - big picture. Seems like mostly good with like two days of not feeling as good.

I'll just point out - seems like the running and the lifting are great. Hitting that heavier deadlift sounds awesome. Sometimes I find making myself lift can be a good mood boost. Plus seeing the increased strength from abstaining is nice extra motivation.

Also - cools stuff about the bread! All I know about starter is I just remember reading in "Kichen Confidential" about the author knew some crazy guy who made the best bread and was a total character - entertaining book

 

[TypeN]

← Today, 03/07

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)

Thank you very much, friends. I'm doing better these past couple days. Seeing all of your support here has definitely made a difference with that, so -- thanks again.

I've got more interviewing and networking on the horizon so I'm feeling optimistic about the job search, even though nothing concrete has quite come together. I've just got the general feeling that "something will work out" now, because I'm taking the necessary steps.

I also wanted to take a moment to appreciate how much my life has changed because of sobriety these past months. A few months ago, I was:

Spoiler

- Watching porn every single day, multiple times a day, and often for binges of many hours during what should have been my free time. The porn I watched made me disgusted with myself.
- Had totally fallen off the horse with exercise after experiencing burnout in the late summer.
- Was very unconfident in myself, perennially depressed, anxious, and kind of hopeless about the future.
- Was isolating myself socially.
- When I wasn't watching porn, I would spend my time doing other compulsive activities for hours: videogames, youtube, reddit, social media.
- And many other negative things I couldn't possibly list in full here ...

Today, I am instead:

Spoiler

- Almost always sober, on any given day. I've had my stumbles, but I've progressed despite them. Forget PMO, I don't even MO most days ...
- Exercising with great consistency ... I'm not sure there's been any week in the past 6 where I've worked out less than 3 times a week.
- Am much more confident, generally less anxious, and more socially capable than perhaps ever.
- Feel less interest in compulsive stuff, even when I have opportunities to do it. More and more my brain is craving fresh, real world novelty.
- Am trying new things, new hobbies, new foods all the time.
- And more generally, can do so much more with my time each day. I look at what I get done in my free time on any given day now and I think: wow, that could have taken me three days before I got sober ... if I even bothered to do any of it.

This doesn't cover the myriad of positive impacts sobriety has had, but I'll leave it there for now. I just wanted to really stop and appreciate some of those things.

That said, I am still experiencing temptation. The urge to seek out substitutes or explicit imagery is strong, and that's compounded by the fact that my sex drive has grown stronger. But I'm trying hard to keep it under control. And I am considering to put dating on the table as a healthy outlet for that, soon. I just want to change my employment situation first.

 

[TypeN]

So happy you're finding joy in these new activities!! It's so important. And so important to acknowledge them.

That's what I'm feeling I've been missing in the last few days of travel I've been doing: I'm sort of sucked into many things I'm not a fan of, no time for myself and not feeling like I'm in a comfortable place and/or a place that I belong in/ find peace in...!

Thanks friend. I'm hoping we both find more of the joyful activities soon!

Hey! Just caught up on your journal. Looks like the working out was great and you have some pretty good momentum. That is one good thing about reading the whole thing at once I suppose - big picture. Seems like mostly good with like two days of not feeling as good.

I'll just point out - seems like the running and the lifting are great. Hitting that heavier deadlift sounds awesome. Sometimes I find making myself lift can be a good mood boost. Plus seeing the increased strength from abstaining is nice extra motivation.

Also - cools stuff about the bread! All I know about starter is I just remember reading in "Kichen Confidential" about the author knew some crazy guy who made the best bread and was a total character - entertaining book

Thanks for reading mate. You're right ... in the big picture, things have been going pretty well. Hard to feel that on the tougher days, but it's true.

And I'm not surprised about the bread guy! Strange people make good art ... and good food is art, right?

 

[AJ7]

Amazing job on your progress! @TypeN

I like what you said about seeing the benefits of increased productivity and being able to do more with your time. That alone makes it all worth it! Keep it up brother

 

[Trisquel]

Hey!!

I'm very glad to see al the improvements you have been making this months!!

It is easy to miss if we post daily, is good you took some time to see the bigger picture.

Congratulations on your journey, I can only wish you to keep going strong in the right direction!

Cheers!

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Great stuff! I love the outline of the before and after - it really shows the benefits and is very motivating to read as I, like most here I bet, can relate to those positive benefits of doing positive things, staying sober.

Sounds like a plan! Got the habits going, then working the job search and dating could come next.

 

[the_mountain_goat]

Hey TypeN! Love your before and after Very inspiring and I like how positive it leads you to think and, be.

 

[TypeN]

Hey gents. Thank you for your kind words.

It’s been a mixed week. I got a lot done; I had an informational interview on Thursday with a partner at a firm I’ve applied to, and also set up a phone screen for tomorrow with one of their recruiters, which is positive. The recruiter and I will be discussing several different open positions, and I applied to a bunch of jobs at other companies, too.

I also made sourdough this weekend! Namely, yesterday. Boy, was it a process — took the entirety of my day (largely in waiting during the various rising steps, rather than working on it; but still, very involved). It was quite satisfying though, and I’m very pleased with the result, given that it's my first time. I plan to keep making loaves as a little hobby from here on out ... I think I need various small projects like this in my life, to keep me moving mentally. Here are some pictures!

Spoiler: Bread

I’ve kept up with my physical therapy appointments, which are continuing to create improvement when I’m also diligent with my home exercises. I did strain my lower back a bit while squatting (too) heavy on Monday ... so I took the days this week I would’ve been lifting to try other stuff. And that’s been a nice change of pace. I did a long run, some sprinting, some rope climbing and some bouldering. All of which were fun in different ways, and gave my back a break.

I’ve also been making lots of drawings in my down time, mostly of animals, and sometimes people (an old hobby of mine that I’m now rekindling).

All of that said; (practicing leading with the positive here…)

This week I let some stress and sleep deprived days get to my head, and lapsed with my no-MO routine. Friday and Saturday I staved off urges by staying busy, but ultimately my lapse led to me relapsing with substitutes and then porn this afternoon. Not for very long, and ultimately I closed the porn, but a relapse all the same.

I’m determined to just keep going, and I will resume my daily posts for this week. There’s an obvious correlation between me stopping my posts and me relapsing (I think it’s my way of letting myself act out when I’m experiencing my strongest urges, as I've mentioned before).

I also turn 26 this April, and I’m feeling like I’d really like to leave this compulsion behind in my 25th year of life. So, I’ll let that desire give me some strength in the coming weeks. And I will absolutely post if/when I’m feeling strong urges!

Cheers guys.

← Today, 03/12

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Man that bread looks good! Awesome to try different things and let the back heal - that is really making lemonade out of a lemon.

Man - yeah the lapses can be tough!

Question : Is there a replacement activity where you can lose yourself/ rest? I find that the active stuff is great, but having restful substitutes help too, to recharge a bit.

For example - I listen to hypnosis recordings, basically they are relaxing and a bit trippy and they give me some of that mental break that P provided. Another is listening to binural beats with eyes closed for like 30 min or so.


For example I felt stressed and tired and just wanted to like "lose myself" and had urges but I napped for awhile listening to binural beats which is a bit trippy and that really helped! ( just considering if stuff like this could be an addtional piece of the puzzle maybe)

Overall - good trajectory and great progress and lifestyle creation keep it up!

 

[TypeN]

← Today, 03/13

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)

Had that phone screen today! I prepped quite a lot for it even though it was just a screen, but I'm glad I did, because this recruiter meant business and asked lots of substantive questions. And I had good answers overall, I'd say. I felt pretty sharp and personable. I think my brain has changed a lot in the last few (relatively) sober months. I just find it so much easier (and more interesting) to talk to new people, and I don't stumble over my thoughts so much.

Fingers crossed I get moved along. There's a couple different positions she has in mind to put me in touch with hiring managers for, so I have a feeling there will be something next week. Going to keep myself immersed this week by reading and listening to info about the company/industry I'm trying to break into.

Man that bread looks good! Awesome to try different things and let the back heal - that is really making lemonade out of a lemon.

Man - yeah the lapses can be tough!

Question : Is there a replacement activity where you can lose yourself/ rest? I find that the active stuff is great, but having restful substitutes help too, to recharge a bit.

For example - I listen to hypnosis recordings, basically they are relaxing and a bit trippy and they give me some of that mental break that P provided. Another is listening to binural beats with eyes closed for like 30 min or so.


For example I felt stressed and tired and just wanted to like "lose myself" and had urges but I napped for awhile listening to binural beats which is a bit trippy and that really helped! ( just considering if stuff like this could be an addtional piece of the puzzle maybe)

Overall - good trajectory and great progress and lifestyle creation keep it up!

Hey, thanks dude. Hm... I'll have to think on that. I think spending time in nature could be that for me. It's just, it's hard to do that in a big city. Hopefully when I get a better job that will create some financial freedom to get myself out of town more often, even just for a day here and there.

 

[TypeN]

← Today, 03/14

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)

Not much to report today. Just truckin' along. Feeling a bit sick, I hope it doesn't become a full blown cold.

I baked a second loaf of bread yesterday, tweaking a few things from how I did the first one. And it was way tastier, so that was neat.

Also, in the past few days I've been using the blocking software on my computer to shut it down at 11 pm each night. That's actually helped me a lot to fall asleep earlier and get a full 8 hours of sleep. I think I'll keep that going to help me keep a healthy schedule.

 

[TypeN]

← Today, 03/16

(Key: = no PMO; = no P; = substitutes; = relapse)

All is still well today. I've got lots to get done, so I don't have time for triggers and whatnot.

I did end up getting a bit sick, but not very much. Enough to be somewhat fatigued though.

I've been trying to consciously exercise mindfulness techniques like noting, which I've been learning through Headspace, in my daily life (not just during meditation). Mostly I've been using them to dismiss sexual rumination, but I've also found myself applying them to other undesirable thoughts. So that's cool.

 

[Androg]

Any of us who learn to control our thoughts have an invaluable life skill.

 

[Trisquel]

Hey, beatifull bread!!

I´m sorry to hear about your relapse, but I´m glad you are keeping a positive attitude and controlling the sittuation. As you mention, there is a lot of improvements already, and the key is just to keep trying, and you are doing that!

Good luck on your job search

Best wishes!!

 

[Winnerwhoabstains]

Good stuff man! I think the idea of incorporating the mindfulness into daily life is a great one