Moving forward!

tydurden

Member
I completely agree on the "clean MOing"! Those porn induced fantasies feels allmost just as bad as watching porn and you are left with that shameful feeling after MO.

Remember that the work you have put in still counts even though you had a relapse. Stay clean and have a good weekend!
 

Trisquel

Active Member
End of no P Day 6.

Things have been going alright. On the one hand, I’ve stayed clean from porn, and I even went MO-free yesterday without planning to. On the other, I’m realizing that fantasy-based MO isn’t right for me anymore. I’ve had a challenging week for reasons unrelated to my addiction, and combined with fantasizing when I MO, that's been pushing me back into a pornographic headspace. My fantasies are venturing more frequently into the realm of porn kinks and I'm MO'ing more often. These sessions feel quasi-pornographic, and they also feel shameful, which strengthens the sensation of sexual "craving" (another way in which this addiction is really about feeling bad, not feeling good. It's important to remind myself of that).

I haven't let that push me across the line, but I'm an addict, and as an addict I know that eventually it would. So it's time now to move on to cleaner MO. No more fantasies or imagination allowed. I'll keep myself accountable about that here!

I'm going to take this weekend to take care of myself and re-center my mind after a long week. I've been in this headspace before; emotionally not far from relapse, but still clean. I can seize this uncomfortable moment to make progress in mastering myself. 💪 I'll check back in here tomorrow to report on that.
Hi TypeN!

I can deffenetlly relate to MO to fantasies bringing you closer to porn.
In the past I was trying to quit porn but still used fantasies to MO. Wheter I wanted it or not, the fantasies went slowly but steadly towards porn and porn-induced fetishes, leaving me with a sense of shame and regret afterwards, even though I was not using porn.
I think even if it doesn´t involves pixels, fantaises can be part of our addictive behaviour.
I my case that kind of MO lead always to relapses.

I don´t inted to discourage you, I just wanted to share my experience in case it can be of use for you. Everyone mannages it in a different way, and I´m sure you are doing that for yourself.

Good luck on your recovery, keep going at it!!!
 

TypeN

Active Member
Thank you friends, these messages definitely help me keep my head straight. It’s also reassuring to know that you’ve all had the same experience with fantasies. I’m already feeling good about the decision to stop them … last night I MO’d once with no fantasies/imagination, and it was surprisingly easy. It required more concentration, but felt physically better, and afterwards I was almost completely sexually disinterested … unlike most times I’ve used fantasies. This clearly feels healthier, and doing it helped me to defuse the relapse feelings (much less anxious about that now).

Today was pretty nice. Watched some fifa, hit the gym, and chilled out. Now I’m going to spend some time taking care of my pets before bed. I’ve still got shameful feelings floating in the background emotionally, but I know they’ll pass in a few days.

With this, I’ve spent one week clean again. I’m grateful for that. 🙏 Here’s to many more!
 

TypeN

Active Member
Well, I let fantasies back in more than once now… and, predictably, they’ve pushed me very close to relapse twice now, including with viewing substitutes. This is the last chance I’m giving myself with substitutes before I reset my counter. Today I woke up with no apparent libido, so I’m going to try to take advantage of that to re-start the no fantasies commitment. I can do it, just need to get my head right.

On the topic of getting my head right, I’ve realized SLEEP is very, very important for my success and mental health writ large. Getting covid a few weeks back threw my sleep schedule all out of rhythm, and I’ve been suffering from it since. Frankly I believe much of the recent tendency towards relapse comes from this; when I’m sleep deprived, my thoughts and emotions are muddled, which gives the addiction more power over me than it should by now.

Enough’s enough, it’s now priority #1 for me to fix my sleep. Last night I popped 2 Advil PM at 9 pm and passed out … for 12 hours. I’ll make a conscious choice tonight to get in bed and off my screens at 10 pm latest. I must establish a healthy schedule or my sleep-deprived brain will eat me for breakfast. 🍽️

All that said, today's Day 10.✔️
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Good job for staying out of porn despite what you call a near relapse!

Clean MO is such a challenge and an experiment to conduct with yourself. My decision is to try and avoid it as much as I can when I know I’m not in the right place for it (if life doesn’t satisfy me too much, if I’m bored, if I’m stressed etc.) because that will look like a trigger and I know the slope becomes more and more slippery then…

Yup, sleep is so important, and finding good ways to take care of yourself in general. This used to me considered a non manly thing to do, but really this is so key I find. Things that will bring you comfort, like going to the spa etc. What might bring you comfort, on top of a good night’s sleep?
 

TypeN

Active Member
Day 15 no P. I've been checked out from here a little bit because of a busy week (next week will be too). But things are still going alright! I’ve had several moments of temptation to watch P over the past week, but I defused them by just MO'ing instead. I did also have moments where I glanced at substitutes, but I shut them down before they turned into viewing “sessions” by reminding myself that I’d said I would reset my counter.

Unfortunately I have not managed to stop myself from MO’ing to fantasy. I continue to be annoyed by this because it does trigger me and on several days it has taken up more time than I’d like. That ends up making me feel like I’ve just replaced one compulsion with another one, albeit less harmful. I think I need an actual plan to make no fantasies happen. I’m strongly considering doing a run of no MO days again, because after my last no MO streak, my brain wasn’t so wired into the combo of MO + fantasy, and my body became accustomed to less orgasm. A friend of mine might come stay with me for awhile sometime next week, so that could be a good opportunity to try that; socializing would help me put my head somewhere else.

What might bring you comfort, on top of a good night’s sleep?

Hmm … interesting question man! Thinking about it, I don’t really have activities in my life that I turn to specifically to relax. Drawing/making art can be relaxing for me, but I also turn to them as a source of excitement, and that goes for most other hobbies of mine. I’ve been trying to meditate with Headspace recently, but so far that still feels like a chore. Maybe I should come up with some kind of little ritual to become calmer, like brewing tea or something.

By the way, I wanted to say, I’m always struck by how good your questions are! You’re clearly a thoughtful guy, that’s a great trait.
 

TypeN

Active Member
I felt like shit yesterday, between terrible sleep and a very demanding work day. I was down on myself all day, thinking dark thoughts whenever I didn’t have something to do. So when I got home, I got damn close to relapsing, after being triggered by a social media post. I used a new loophole to undo the restrictions on my computer, and set up basically everything I would have needed to browse porn and MO… and then I stopped short of it. I reset the restrictions, patched the new loophole, and then just MO’d without porn instead. Not ideal, but well, not PMO…

Definitely struggling right now but at least I walked myself back from that cliff; this is the first time I’ve done that when feeling strong urges, and with everything at my disposal to binge any kind of porn.

Anyhow, Day 17 no P. Hoping to defuse some of this emotional tension over the holidays.

Fuck porn.
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Hey TypeN! At least you realise when the P urges come your way "terrible sleep + demanding work day" - so again, the question of finding other things that bring you comfort in those difficult days is key for us (something that comforts us so that we don't end up the P route, which we think gives us comfort and/or relief, while it doesn't really... or just for a moment!). Good job at stepping away from that urge. Keep it up!
 

TypeN

Active Member
Felt terrible again yesterday evening, and it did have me thinking intrusive thoughts about relapse, particularly before bed. Not like a strong urge to relapse per se, but just annoyingly frequent thoughts about it, because I was in a bad place. I think it’s a combination of the fact that I took a heavy dose of sleep aids the night before, and that our boss took us out to drink on our last day of work. That had my brain in a really rough spot chemically come evening.

I’m also feeling bummed because it looks like some of the social engagements I’d planned for the holidays might not pan out, and I had decided not to fly home to my family this year on the assumption that they would. So now I might end up spending a good deal of my break alone. Loneliness is one of the hardest emotions for me by a mile. I’ve experienced a lot of it in my life because of my upbringing.

I’m trying to stay positive and think about how I could make some happy things happen this next couple weeks anyway. For one thing I need to force myself to spend less time cooped up at home. I was thinking maybe to try some volunteering and do some “soft social” activities like reading in public, or something. Anything to keep me out of the cycle of spending 10+ hours at home each day, which is bad for me addiction or not…

Going to go brainstorm for a bit. And make some tea while I do it! (I bought a small teapot and some matcha). Anyway, Day 19 no P.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Well, I’m glad I stuck it out mentally. Despite my catastrophizing yesterday and this morning, it looks like some of my social plans will work out after all. That’s a relief, and a reminder that I need to work on doing less negative rumination.

I guess in a way depressive thinking is kind of like porn; it gives me an irrational picture of reality that motivates me to act against my own best interests. So working on my depression will probably make me stronger when faced with my addiction, and vice versa.
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Hey TypeN. I'm glad you worked it out (and cool about the teapot, let us know how that little ritual goes...)

It's a good thing to keep brainstorming, continuously, about what else we might do (don't know if you've done a lot of brainstorming for work, but it's important to do it many times, because usually the first ideas that come to you are the 'classic' ones, and if you push yourself again, new, cool, exciting ideas about what you might be able to do, will come your way!).

What I've done recently too is sort of a 'map' of all of my friends around here. This helped me knowing who to reach out to, and plan my 'social' week. I realised that before that, I would just wait for people to reach out and thus I wouldn't necessarily see the people that I wanted to see. Being proactive socially is key to our (at least, my) recovery. Feeling like you are driving your own life, rather than life driving you (which is sometimes a nice feeling too, of course).

Stay strong, and stay social when you can :)
 

dantes993

Member
I felt like shit yesterday, between terrible sleep and a very demanding work day. I was down on myself all day, thinking dark thoughts whenever I didn’t have something to do. So when I got home, I got damn close to relapsing, after being triggered by a social media post. I used a new loophole to undo the restrictions on my computer, and set up basically everything I would have needed to browse porn and MO… and then I stopped short of it. I reset the restrictions, patched the new loophole, and then just MO’d without porn instead. Not ideal, but well, not PMO…

Definitely struggling right now but at least I walked myself back from that cliff; this is the first time I’ve done that when feeling strong urges, and with everything at my disposal to binge any kind of porn.

Anyhow, Day 17 no P. Hoping to defuse some of this emotional tension over the holidays.

Fuck porn.

Still amaze me how you managed to direct P with MO for 17 days. I do hope I could get some new insights by learning from your experience here. Hope you have a relaxing holiday there 😄
 

TypeN

Active Member
Hey TypeN. I'm glad you worked it out (and cool about the teapot, let us know how that little ritual goes...)

It's a good thing to keep brainstorming, continuously, about what else we might do (don't know if you've done a lot of brainstorming for work, but it's important to do it many times, because usually the first ideas that come to you are the 'classic' ones, and if you push yourself again, new, cool, exciting ideas about what you might be able to do, will come your way!).

What I've done recently too is sort of a 'map' of all of my friends around here. This helped me knowing who to reach out to, and plan my 'social' week. I realised that before that, I would just wait for people to reach out and thus I wouldn't necessarily see the people that I wanted to see. Being proactive socially is key to our (at least, my) recovery. Feeling like you are driving your own life, rather than life driving you (which is sometimes a nice feeling too, of course).

Stay strong, and stay social when you can :)

Thanks mate. You’re definitely right, I could benefit from a more creative approach. Negative thinking really does put me in a box sometimes and make me fail to see things that are right in front of me. I could also certainly stand to be more socially proactive; I know I’ve missed many opportunities to make connections with people who liked me because of anxiety, depression, and so on. The “driving your own life” mindset is a great way to look at it; I need to actually chase what I want.

Tea is going well so far, it definitely helped me unwind a bit yesterday. And I meditated afterwards to enhance the effect.

Still amaze me how you managed to direct P with MO for 17 days. I do hope I could get some new insights by learning from your experience here. Hope you have a relaxing holiday there 😄

Haha, well thanks dude. It’s a crutch more than anything at the moment; when I’m emotionally frustrated or the thought of using porn comes to mind, I MO instead to defuse those feelings. It’s better than using porn, but ultimately I want to achieve a no MO reboot or at least no MO involving fantasies.

Anyhow, today marks Day 20 no P! I’m feeling good. I hit the gym to lift weights yesterday and surprised myself by easily squatting 225 lbs (2 plates) for several reps. In recent weeks I’ve been struggling to even squat 180 for a few reps, but then out of the blue yesterday I felt really strong. I’m quite pleased; didn’t think I’d get back to this strength level so quickly after having fallen off so much this summer. Yet another blessing sobriety is offering me. 🙏
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Merry Christmas TypeN! Lots of cool reflections here. And great progress.

Keep feeling strong in the body and the mind, yet don't push it too much (winking at you since I just got injured for the same reason hehe).
 

TypeN

Active Member
I relapsed late last night, on Day 23.

I lost my mental discipline in the past few days concerning my sobriety. Despite socializing/staying with a friend this week, I continued to MO with fantasies during my alone time, and several times I strayed into stimulating myself with substitute imagery. Eventually that led to me relapsing with actual porn and then binging for several hours. I think a big part of what got me here was failing to stay self aware of the way I was behaving -- I got lazy, essentially. In hindsight, it’s obvious that the other sexual activities I was engaging in were overtures to my ultimate relapse, but I allowed myself to ignore that reality and assume I could always just calm myself down with regular MO when I started to feel like viewing porn. I assumed wrongly, and urges got the better of me in a moment of impulsiveness (which, of course they would; I'd already gotten the ball rolling).

I also let myself get lax and stopped checking in here despite encountering these challenges, because I’m on "vacation" right now. I honestly think that if I’d posted about what I was feeling/doing, I could have avoided this; but I chose not to. I think that was caused by a mixture of shame, and again, a bit of complacency. I’ve made the mistake of letting those feelings get the better of me before and now enough is enough. I have to confront this problem head on, and that requires honesty. The struggle is part of my journey and shame only makes things harder.

Anyway, just needed to get my thoughts out in writing about all this. I am honestly bummed, but I want to cultivate a positive mindset despite this setback; I’ll check in here for the next few days to get myself back in the right headspace. Planning to make today Day 1.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Day 2 back on track, no P. I'm feeling low for reasons unrelated to the relapse, but I haven't felt tempted to watch porn again. I'm taking a bit of consolation in the fact that during my last streak, my brain seems to have healed enough to make further relapses unappealing this time. Unlike after my previous relapse, this time I only binged that one evening, for a few hours. Despite there being some avenues by which I could continue to watch porn.

I'll keep this energy going. Porn has nothing to offer me, and I understand that better than ever.
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Hey TypeN!

I know it's easy to feel shame, but there is perhaps not so many reasons to feel ashamed here: we're all on the same boat, we're all pretty much anonymous, so do feel like you can share your thoughts, doubts, fears...

It's especially when things are getting a bit tough that this forum can be useful...! But I completely understand it's not easy to seek help when we need it the most, this addiction is such a strange thing in that regard. If not here on this thread, feel free to shoot me a PM.

I'm taking a bit of consolation in the fact that during my last streak, my brain seems to have healed enough to make further relapses unappealing this time.
Yes! You're not starting from scratch. You're slowly building a life free of porn, with setbacks taking down perhaps a few bricks but not everything. Your foundations are here. (BTW, that was the reason behind my new way of visualizing my progress! perhaps you can also add a color for MOs).

I know it's something you've been struggling with, but... How might you try and pursue a MO-free streak this time? I wonder if it's not good to start with no P but also no MO, for a good solid time? To me, the last two weeks (no P, no MO) have opened a new energy, that I feel MO would have eroded a little bit. Just something to think about.
 

dantes993

Member
Day 2 back on track, no P. I'm feeling low for reasons unrelated to the relapse, but I haven't felt tempted to watch porn again. I'm taking a bit of consolation in the fact that during my last streak, my brain seems to have healed enough to make further relapses unappealing this time. Unlike after my previous relapse, this time I only binged that one evening, for a few hours. Despite there being some avenues by which I could continue to watch porn.

I'll keep this energy going. Porn has nothing to offer me, and I understand that better than ever.

Tru enough, me at the worst time would wish if I could still enjoy PMO like the old days. But as someone with responsibility and age now, I would hope that I can become the good man that my future wife would hope of me.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Hey TypeN!

I know it's easy to feel shame, but there is perhaps not so many reasons to feel ashamed here: we're all on the same boat, we're all pretty much anonymous, so do feel like you can share your thoughts, doubts, fears...

It's especially when things are getting a bit tough that this forum can be useful...! But I completely understand it's not easy to seek help when we need it the most, this addiction is such a strange thing in that regard. If not here on this thread, feel free to shoot me a PM.


Yes! You're not starting from scratch. You're slowly building a life free of porn, with setbacks taking down perhaps a few bricks but not everything. Your foundations are here. (BTW, that was the reason behind my new way of visualizing my progress! perhaps you can also add a color for MOs).

I know it's something you've been struggling with, but... How might you try and pursue a MO-free streak this time? I wonder if it's not good to start with no P but also no MO, for a good solid time? To me, the last two weeks (no P, no MO) have opened a new energy, that I feel MO would have eroded a little bit. Just something to think about.

I really appreciate your post man; as thoughtful as ever.

About shame, I don’t fully understand it myself. I think part of it is just me going on autopilot; like many of us, I’ve been alone with this addiction for so long that my brain doesn’t go towards talking about it when I’m struggling, but instead to closing up more. Closing up enables the behavior to continue, so I guess in that way it makes sense; my addiction wants me to close up. You’re right though, here of all places, there’s no reason to be ashamed. I’ll try to be more open. Thanks bud.

I think you’re spot on to focus on cutting out MO. I feel sometimes like I’ve just replaced one harmful compulsion with a milder one, as it’s tied in to most of my recent struggles. I’m not really sure yet what no or less MO will look like, but I will try more seriously to envision that. And so I’m taking your inspiration with the colors. Here is roughly what my progress to date would look like, starting from 11/22 until today (no-MO days in blue):

11/22 → 🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟥🟥🟥🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟥🟩🟩🟩🟦 ← Today, 12/30.

Having this visual will be quite helpful, not just for encouraging myself but also for getting some clarity about the way I’ve been acting. I may decide to include MO without fantasies in the “blue” label; or not. I’ll see how I feel.

Day 4 no P in my new streak! A little hiccup, but moving forward.
 
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