Moving forward!

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Hey TypeN! I'm sorry about how you've been feeling. Your last two paragraphs are absolutely true...

I think I really need to drill down on improving my mental well-being. I’m frequently pretty sad and lonely these days. I do socialize here and there – certainly more than before I started getting clean – but not enough to meet my needs, and a variety of other stressors weigh on me each and every day. My life is unequivocally improving without porn/fantasies/etc., and I’m working hard, but the spectre of what made me into a porn addict in the first place — very negative feelings that are hard to bear — is still hanging over me. I think I’ve developed a lot of good strategies for sobriety this past month, but they will constantly be strained in periods of unhappiness like this, I feel. To succeed I need to take steps to make my emotional lows less deep.

I’ll get up tomorrow morning to resume a daily routine of breakfast => meditation => reflect here => work out. But these next few days I need to focus on thinking about my own happiness and what can bring me joy, not just discipline. Perhaps I can keep the disciplined morning schedule but replace the workouts here and there with things that could improve my mood (exercise is great — but it’s stressful, too). If scheduling happy activities is what it takes, that's what I'll do. I have to take care of myself emotionally.

Negative feelings led you to porn (partly at least) and somehow your brain will try to lead you to porn when you're experiencing those feelings again. That's difficult to resist because you're already in a situation where you find yourself 'weak' (not in a negative way, but if you're sad or stressed, well, it's more difficult to resist to an urge). Focusing on your well being is so important, as you said. What makes you happy? I know we've thought about this a lot, but we need to keep trying...! Personally, it's now something I asked myself almost daily. And if I'm doing something, out of habit, I also ask myself "Does this make me happy?" "Could I be doing something else...?"...

I believe in you!!
 

TypeN

Active Member
Thanks a lot for your support and questions guys.

As far as what makes me happy, it’s kind of a difficult question. Because of my upbringing (homeschooling, authoritarian parents) I spent the majority of my adolescence alone and depressed, and those challenges followed me to college and afterwards. I can’t really look back at any point in my life and think “I was happy then.”

So I guess it has to be a process of discovery. I know that being more sociable is absolutely important. I have a handful of friends, but there are things that keep me from seeing them consistently (my closest friend lives in a nearby city, and my friends in the city don’t live close; so I only see them when we can all make it work). So, I need to put myself out there somehow to make more. But I’m not really sure where to start as a working adult, because after college, it feels like organic opportunities to meet new people are more rare.

I’ve thought about meetup groups. I feel put off by the idea of going alone. But lately I’m much more comfortable with strangers, perhaps because of better sleep/sobriety. So maybe I can push myself.

Besides socializing I want to do more with my hobby of keeping small animals. I keep insects and want to keep fish again (used to as a teenager). To do that I need to replace my current over-sized desk with a small desk and a heavy-duty bookcase to hold tanks; maybe I’ll make that my project for next weekend. More low-key than that, I’ve had art/drawing as an on-off hobby that I could perhaps schedule for some days.

Hi man, sorry to hear about your relapse.

I think you have a good way of loocking at it, though.
It is essential to work on our wellbeign and what makes us happy, not only beeing disciplined with P and substitudes withdrawal (positive recovery, not only negative recovery!). Makinf reinforcing things that make life worth it.
I´m sure you will find your thing and you will improve. Think about things you can do and try commiting to them. Friends, hobbies, travelling? what can you do to improve your social life?

I also wanted to ask you if maybe is better to let go MO at all, at least for a few weeks?
I´m sure you have discussed this before, I just didn´t read the posts.

Best of lucks, have a nice weekend

Thanks man. I've tried no-MO and failed a couple times now (MO-free days are the blue boxes in the color visual). I’m just not sure how to approach that repetitive failure at this point. For the time being I'm planning to make the next few days MO-free and then evaluate.
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Thanks a lot for your support and questions guys.

As far as what makes me happy, it’s kind of a difficult question. Because of my upbringing (homeschooling, authoritarian parents) I spent the majority of my adolescence alone and depressed, and those challenges followed me to college and afterwards. I can’t really look back at any point in my life and think “I was happy then.”

So I guess it has to be a process of discovery. I know that being more sociable is absolutely important. I have a handful of friends, but there are things that keep me from seeing them consistently (my closest friend lives in a nearby city, and my friends in the city don’t live close; so I only see them when we can all make it work). So, I need to put myself out there somehow to make more. But I’m not really sure where to start as a working adult, because after college, it feels like organic opportunities to meet new people are more rare.

I’ve thought about meetup groups. I feel put off by the idea of going alone. But lately I’m much more comfortable with strangers, perhaps because of better sleep/sobriety. So maybe I can push myself.

Besides socializing I want to do more with my hobby of keeping small animals. I keep insects and want to keep fish again (used to as a teenager). To do that I need to replace my current over-sized desk with a small desk and a heavy-duty bookcase to hold tanks; maybe I’ll make that my project for next weekend. More low-key than that, I’ve had art/drawing as an on-off hobby that I could perhaps schedule for some days.



Thanks man. I've tried no-MO and failed a couple times now (MO-free days are the blue boxes in the color visual). I’m just not sure how to approach that repetitive failure at this point. For the time being I'm planning to make the next few days MO-free and then evaluate.
Stay strong!
I now from experience it can be very difficult to start to build a social life from scratch, and I'm still working on that, is hard, but I think that in the end it can be very rewarding.

The meetup is a great idea. Maybe some group hobbies can be nice(?) Maybe you can pick up your drawing with a group/class, if you think you would enjoy that!

Best of lucks, stay healthy
 

TypeN

Active Member
🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟥🟥🟥🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟥🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟨🟩🟥🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟨🟦🟥🟦🟦🟦🟦🟨🟦🟨🟦🟦🟨🟦🟩🟦🟥🟦🔷← Today, 01/29

Feeling better today. Yesterday was painful -- not so much from abstaining but from the impact (withdrawal + terrible sleep) of the relapse. But today things have mellowed out; guided meditation has helped soothe the rougher edges of my emotions. I'm headed to the gym soon.

Also, I ordered the desk and bookcase online, so I have those project plans for next weekend.

I'm taking things one day at a time at this point, but I am open-minded to trying no-MO again. I'll stay conscious of my feelings in the next few days and see where that takes me.

Stay strong!
I now from experience it can be very difficult to start to build a social life from scratch, and I'm still working on that, is hard, but I think that in the end it can be very rewarding.

The meetup is a great idea. Maybe some group hobbies can be nice(?) Maybe you can pick up your drawing with a group/class, if you think you would enjoy that!

Best of lucks, stay healthy

Thanks mate. Those are good suggestions; In the right setting I'd probably have a lot of fun drawing in a group, so I'll consider that.
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Self discovery isn't an easy task, you're right. Good that you're putting a lot of energy in this.

Didn't you say you climbed? I find that indoor climbing/bouldering gyms are really nice environments for meeting new people :) Just a thought.
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Hey man really happy to hear about the project of taking care of the animals - stuff like that is huge. Just wanting to do something positive, having an idea and doing it.

One thing, I am lucky to have access to a very good psychologist who understands this stuff :

And she has told me , that part of recovering is usally not just being perfect, but that the lapses get less intense and effect your life less. So it is a process and all progress and it seems to me that is happening with you, so moving in the right direction.

Something that helped me too , was like having "walls" on my lapses. Like I would not mo while looking at p, for example. Kind of a mental trick, and not an excuse to do it. But lessening the intensity of the lapses.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Thanks guys. 🙏

🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟥🟥🟥🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟥🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟨🟩🟥🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟨🟦🟥🟦🟦🟦🟦🟨🟦🟨🟦🟦🟨🟦🟩🟦🟥🟦🟦🔷← Today, 01/30

Today was alright. I'm feeling a bit worse than yesterday emotionally, but now I think I can connect it pretty clearly to stress from working out. Yesterday I lifted heavy, and today I was worn out all day in a way I wasn't yesterday. So my mood was somewhat low, but it didn't spiral out of control because I was conscious and aware of where it was coming from (physical exhaustion).

I'm definitely in a physical flatline. My body is not at all interested in sex. My mind is another thing, but I do see that for what it is; mostly addiction. So far I have not gotten caught in any ruts of sexual rumination.

I didn't hit the gym this morning but I may tonight for a gentle workout. Reminding myself that REST is a very important part of gaining strength, muscle and athleticism. Working out 5-6 times a week is a lot! If I'm going to do that I need to be willing to go very easy on myself sometimes.

Self discovery isn't an easy task, you're right. Good that you're putting a lot of energy in this.

Didn't you say you climbed? I find that indoor climbing/bouldering gyms are really nice environments for meeting new people :) Just a thought.

Thanks dude. Well, I wouldn't call myself a climber per se, but I do enjoy it sometimes. :) As you say climbers are very friendly people. Actually my gym has a bouldering wall so I really have no excuse not to boulder sometimes ... I'll plan to try it, thanks. (y)

Hey man really happy to hear about the project of taking care of the animals - stuff like that is huge. Just wanting to do something positive, having an idea and doing it.

One thing, I am lucky to have access to a very good psychologist who understands this stuff :

And she has told me , that part of recovering is usally not just being perfect, but that the lapses get less intense and effect your life less. So it is a process and all progress and it seems to me that is happening with you, so moving in the right direction.

Something that helped me too , was like having "walls" on my lapses. Like I would not mo while looking at p, for example. Kind of a mental trick, and not an excuse to do it. But lessening the intensity of the lapses.

Thanks, that's good advice. I've been thinking the same about recovery. I know my process has been messier than some people's here but I am not losing faith in it. Your comment reminds me of this comic, which seems accurate, haha:

FDcwKgxXIAEs5Cc.jpg:large
 

Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Great comic! And real cool your gym has the climbing wall, if nothing else just hanging around bouldering gets little bits of extra human contact in which can be really nice.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Thank you for checking in guys. I’m doing alright! I stopped posting because it’s been a busy week. And also because I relapsed (again) early last week. I wanted to stop venting about that and come back with some progress.

Seeing how much I’ve relapsed lately while trying not to MO, my therapist concluded that it’s better for me to stop trying to avoid MO, and focus instead on avoiding porn and substitutes. Looking back on my thread and seeing the pattern of relapses that started with attempting no-MO, I’m inclined to agree that this is the right approach for now. We chose these rules:

- No more than about 30 minutes per day spent MO’ing.
- No porn/substitutes, of course.
- Fantasies are tolerated for now. The main thing he wants me to focus on constraining is time spent.

So far it’s been going alright. I have broken the time spent portion on about 3 days, so that needs to improve. I have not had sessions of using substitutes, but I have “peeked” briefly on a few occasions, so, I also need to stop doing that.

I did lots of positive things this week:

- Started Accutane (which has reduced my sex drive a little — an entirely welcome side effect)
- I was proactive when I didn’t hear back after the phone interview, reached out to the company, and they set me up with a second round.
- Prepared for and had that interview. I prepped well, slept well, and felt more lucid and confident than I ever have during a job interview. I don’t know yet if I’ll be in the next round but I feel good about the effort I put in.
- Went to a PT for the first time for my neck problems. I have my second appointment tomorrow.
- Hit the gym both days this weekend to lift heavy — and on both days busted through some plateaus I’ve been stuck in for a few weeks.
- After lifting on Saturday, I replaced my oversized desk with the a smaller one and a bookcase. This involved building furniture for several hours.
- On Sunday, also after lifting, I spent several hours meal prepping for this week.
- A bunch of other random little things.

This has been the most productive week/weekend I’ve had in a long time. I’m surprised I even had the drive to do all that. But, I also want to be realistic — now I’m exhausted, and that was definitely triggering me today. So I'm taking it easy tonight instead of running. I need rest.

Anyhow now that the ball is rolling again I'll check in more frequently with posts here (shorter ones, haha).

🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟥🟥🟥🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟥🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟨🟩🟥🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟨🟦🟥🟦🟦🟦🟦🟨🟦🟨🟦🟦🟨🟦🟩🟦🟥🟦🟦🟨🟥🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩← Today, 02/06

(Key: 🟦 = no PMO; 🟩 = no P; 🟨 = substitutes; 🟥 = relapse)
 
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Trisquel

Active Member
Hey!

I´m happy to hear all of that, a lot of possitive things going on! Is ggod you notice them and write them down as well.
Good luck on your job interview!!

Also is great you have a very clear strategy from now on. Reducing instead of elimitaing can be super useful, and it is not preventing from all the positive things you are experiencing. Congrats!

Glad to hear from you. It sucks you relapsed but you got the best out of it. I meant that you could use it as a opportunity to learn and adjust your strategy, and that´s great.

Cheers!!
 

TypeN

Active Member
I relapsed again. I was really stressed and frankly feeling awful on Tuesday for a variety of reasons. Ultimately that mood followed me to today, and I found a way to relapse.

Like I said I’m going to start posting more. I’ve been avoiding it out of shame over how much I’ve struggled. But that’s only making the rough place I’m in worse. I've said it before, but I’m going to really make an effort to abandon shame about the cycle of relapses I’ve had; it’s just where I’m at right now. I use those negative feelings as an excuse to avoid reality and use porn, so they've gotta go.

Starting tomorrow, I’m going to start some “rituals” (old and new) again:

- Meditate first thing in the morning. If it means getting up an extra 15 minutes earlier, I will.
- Journal every day. I’m experiencing a lot of stress, and I need to get that “poison” out on paper. And maybe also write some positive things too.
- Spend a minimum of 15 minutes each day learning about porn addiction. This could mean watching a video, or listening to an audiobook. 15 minutes is not much at all — there’s no excuse not to.
- Posting here, to my journal — at least 3 times a week. I will schedule it: Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, I must make a post here.

For the next 3 days starting tomorrow, I’m going no-MO. After that, I’ll stick to what I mentioned in my previous post, but with the stipulation that the 30 minutes of MO can only happen in one session. Treating it as a total wasn’t working for me.

Until tomorrow.

🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟥🟥🟥🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟥🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟨🟩🟥🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟨🟦🟥🟦🟦🟦🟦🟨🟦🟨🟦🟦🟨🟦🟩🟦🟥🟦🟦🟨🟥🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟨🟥← Today, 02/08

(Key: 🟦 = no PMO; 🟩 = no P; 🟨 = substitutes; 🟥 = relapse)
 

TypeN

Active Member
Hey!

I´m happy to hear all of that, a lot of possitive things going on! Is ggod you notice them and write them down as well.
Good luck on your job interview!!

Also is great you have a very clear strategy from now on. Reducing instead of elimitaing can be super useful, and it is not preventing from all the positive things you are experiencing. Congrats!

Glad to hear from you. It sucks you relapsed but you got the best out of it. I meant that you could use it as a opportunity to learn and adjust your strategy, and that´s great.

Cheers!!

Thanks for the support man. I'm struggling but you're right, it's a learning process, and an opportunity to keep pushing myself. Cheers.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Well, it's been a good day so far. I decided not to lift today and instead split my time between running errands and staying home doing various tasks I've let go this week. I tidied my messy room this morning which, coupled with the remodeling I did last weekend, makes my space very open and relaxing to spend time in.

I meditated in the morning and I'll do journalling and listening sometime before bed. I'm thinking for the latter I'll start part of a podcast episode about porn addiction, and plan to finish it over the next few days.

🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟥🟥🟥🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟥🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟨🟩🟥🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟨🟦🟥🟦🟦🟦🟦🟨🟦🟨🟦🟦🟨🟦🟩🟦🟥🟦🟦🟨🟥🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟨🟥🔷← Today, 02/09

(Key: 🟦 = no PMO; 🟩 = no P; 🟨 = substitutes; 🟥 = relapse)
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Hi @TypeN - sorry about the relapse. Good routine. I do agree about writing here to "get the poison out" (and the good things too). A way to unload your brain about the worries it may have. I haven't written in a week, and I think I should have earlier. Now I feel a bit lighter. Hope you've been well since Thursday.
 

TypeN

Active Member
🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟥🟥🟥🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟥🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟨🟩🟥🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟨🟦🟥🟦🟦🟦🟦🟨🟦🟨🟦🟦🟨🟦🟩🟦🟥🟦🟦🟨🟥🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟨🟥🟦🟦🔷← Today, 02/11

(Key: 🟦 = no PMO; 🟩 = no P; 🟨 = substitutes; 🟥 = relapse)

Well, I'm checking in for my Sunday scheduled post. This routine is not a 100% remedy to what I've been struggling with, but it does help a lot, especially in creating structure. I wish I'd implemented something like this sooner!

For the addiction-learning part of this I've been listening to Trish Leigh's "Porn Brain Rewire" podcast. It's a good fit for me because I like to listen to podcasts while I get other things done, and Trish is engaging and a good communicator. It's also nice to have an empathetic female voice talking and giving advice about these issues. This addiction skews heavily male so hearing a smart woman talking about it makes me feel less estranged in that respect.

I've mentioned this several times before, but I think what's missing from my life right now is self-care activities, which she talks a lot about as part of "rewiring," not just "dewiring." Lately the biggest way I've been exercising "self-care" is not forcing myself to do exhausting or difficult things: not working out when I'm way too tired, not doing big chores if I'm just not up to them yet, not responding to texts or emails right away if I need some time for other things first. And it's good that I'm giving myself that leeway, but those choices don't reflect actively comforting or pleasurable self-care; just avoiding burnout. I need to build in some comfort and joy in my life. Otherwise I'm not rewiring.

Here are a couple things I can do for this purpose in the next few days or week:
- Bake something. I've thought about making some traditional cookies from my dad's culture. I wanted to just buy some for some friends and coworkers of mine, but I can't seem to figure out whether one even can in the city where I live. I asked my dad a few times if he knows anyone, but he hasn't gotten back to me. So, hell, maybe I'll just take a crack at it myself. Baking takes work, but it's fun and gratifying.
- See a friend that I haven't seen in awhile. Last week we were texting saying we should catch up, and he gave me an open invitation to come by sometime and look at new paintings he's been working on (he's an artist). Monday is a work holiday, so maybe I'll text him then and see if I can come by.
- Drawing. It's been awhile since I did any. I have a sort of mental block to starting again when I haven't for awhile, but I always end up enjoying it once I've gotten rolling.
- Playing bass. I bought one in the past year and I should just mess around on it, play a few basslines and riffs from songs I like, with no expectation of quality or seriousness. I did that for a little bit the other day and it was fun.

Hi @TypeN - sorry about the relapse. Good routine. I do agree about writing here to "get the poison out" (and the good things too). A way to unload your brain about the worries it may have. I haven't written in a week, and I think I should have earlier. Now I feel a bit lighter. Hope you've been well since Thursday.

Thanks mate, I appreciate your checking in. And yeah, that's exactly it. I'm finding that the journalling (the private kind too; not just here) is a big help to me. Like most of us I have a lot of stuff I worry about, so the volume of it is more than would make sense to vent about here, but having that private space to put it into words has helped put me at ease and organized my thoughts.
 

TypeN

Active Member
- Bake something. I've thought about making some traditional cookies from my dad's culture. I wanted to just buy some for some friends and coworkers of mine, but I can't seem to figure out whether one even can in the city where I live. I asked my dad a few times if he knows anyone, but he hasn't gotten back to me. So, hell, maybe I'll just take a crack at it myself. Baking takes work, but it's fun and gratifying.

Alright, screw it -- I'm making cookies. I spent this afternoon putting urges out of my head by planning it all. I'll use part of my long weekend to get the ingredients together and bake batches of several different kinds.
 
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