Moving forward!

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Hey TypeN. Feel you about Reddit, many of my relapses started there in the past two years. It is such a bad place for people like us. Just thinking about it and I can feel the slight rush in dopamine and excitement. Do your best to stay away from it. It's a slippery slope (and quickly even becomes than a slope, like an endless ravine, haha!).

About your friends, and the hangover. Don't beat yourself up too much. Fun is important in life, especially with friends, especially in a reboot process, it allows you to let go of the tension and everything. Of course, I'm not saying "get super drunk everyday", but a little once in a while shouldn't be something to hate yourself for. What I usually do the next day if I'm feeling a little hungover is putting all of my chances towards a good recovery day, like doing little "healthy" groceries, doing all I can so that it's a nice, healthy day, to "compensate", and that usually helps :) That may be things like fresh orange juice, making pancakes, yoga etc.
 

AJ7

Active Member
Thanks man, I can relate to that. Yes, I've mentioned it earlier in my thread, but the restrictions on my phone are quite significant (although there are always loopholes -- including some I'm aware of now but am not exploiting). To answer your question more specifically:

1. As you say, I use Screentime (to block adult content in general + a rather sizeable list of websites I know its own filter doesn't catch).
2. I use a web browser called "Purity." Purity also has its own built in filter, and additionally allows you to block and whitelist by keyword (for example if I block "reddit", reddit.com will be blocked, but also twitter.com/Reddit). It lets you put these parameters behind a passcode.
3. Finally I also disable Safari and new app downloads from the App Store using Screentime, so Purity is my only means to browse the web normally.

My Screentime pass is not available to me unless I'm willing to wait a few days, so that's how all that stays in place. I have a number of other onerous restrictions built in, but this should be enough to make a website like reddit completely unavailable (unless you actively self-sabotage yourself like I frequently used to, looking for loopholes).
@TypeN thank you! I just downloaded purity and disabled safari via screen time. Now the next step is to find someone I trust to set up a screen time passcode. I know there are always loopholes but I just have to make it as inconvenient as possible to access this shit
 

Trisquel

Active Member
I can relate to the attempts of bringing more discipline to your internet life!
Good luck with it. It can be difficult, but I'm sure you got this.
Good that you think about the MO ahead, btw!
 

TypeN

Active Member
🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟨🟩πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟨🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟦🟦🟨🟦🟨🟦🟦🟨🟦🟩🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟨πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟨πŸŸ₯πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ©πŸŸ¦πŸ”·β† Today, 02/20

(Key: 🟦 = no PMO; 🟩 = no P; 🟨 = substitutes; πŸŸ₯ = relapse)

Checking in early just to keep myself centered. Yesterday was a little tough; I experienced a good bit of temptation to MO, but ultimately worked through it without going there and got done what I needed to (lifting, cooking). I'm hopeful that this will get easier.

Something I've been thinking about, having been able to go abstinent for these long stretches of time recently, is that I think I experience two kinds of "urge." On the one hand there's addictive urges, the deeply grooved pathways in my brain that arise in response to stress, triggers and feelings of withdrawal. And on the other hand there is sexual frustration, which gets more and more conspicuous around the 7-day point without O. But I'm used to interpreting these two things as the same general "urge" to MO/PMO. So, when I start to get sexually frustrated, my head also starts going to an addictive place. I think it's important for me to intellectually decouple these so that I can better learn to just say no to the addictive urges. One of these types of urge can wait, while the other one I don't want to make any space for.

Hey TypeN. Feel you about Reddit, many of my relapses started there in the past two years. It is such a bad place for people like us. Just thinking about it and I can feel the slight rush in dopamine and excitement. Do your best to stay away from it. It's a slippery slope (and quickly even becomes than a slope, like an endless ravine, haha!).

About your friends, and the hangover. Don't beat yourself up too much. Fun is important in life, especially with friends, especially in a reboot process, it allows you to let go of the tension and everything. Of course, I'm not saying "get super drunk everyday", but a little once in a while shouldn't be something to hate yourself for. What I usually do the next day if I'm feeling a little hungover is putting all of my chances towards a good recovery day, like doing little "healthy" groceries, doing all I can so that it's a nice, healthy day, to "compensate", and that usually helps :) That may be things like fresh orange juice, making pancakes, yoga etc.

Thanks man. You're right! Not trying to beat myself up too much. I think in the future I'll just keep it to a drink or 2, because I'm risking my health doing any more than that while on Accutane anyway. But you're right, even a bad hangover can be a chance to build healthy recovery habits. :)

@TypeN thank you! I just downloaded purity and disabled safari via screen time. Now the next step is to find someone I trust to set up a screen time passcode. I know there are always loopholes but I just have to make it as inconvenient as possible to access this shit

Right on! And that's the right attitude to have. It's an inconvenience rather than an ironclad barrier. The real meat of the self-control is something we build ourselves.

I can relate to the attempts of bringing more discipline to your internet life!
Good luck with it. It can be difficult, but I'm sure you got this.
Good that you think about the MO ahead, btw!

Cheers mate, I know it's something we're both working on. We got this.
 

TypeN

Active Member
🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟨🟩πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟨🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟦🟦🟨🟦🟨🟦🟦🟨🟦🟩🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟨πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟨πŸŸ₯πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ©πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸ”·β† Today, 02/21

(Key: 🟦 = no PMO; 🟩 = no P; 🟨 = substitutes; πŸŸ₯ = relapse)

Just posting for my scheduled check in. Today I thought I'd just dwell on some positive stuff.

A lot of good things happened in the past week and a half. In no particular order ...

- I've been working out very consistently. Not the whole 6x a week routine, but a consistent 3-5 days per week. I'm getting stronger gradually, and visibly more muscular quickly. I've recovered practically all the strength I lost during my summer slump. I also feel very comfortable running 5-6 miles now, it's not a struggle (although it does hit me hard recovery-wise). In general, I feel good about how things are going.

- The thing I did with baking cookies was a great decision. Obviously the activity itself was a good way to spend time, but the ripple effect of making something I could share with lots of people was also very impactful. I shared them with at least 10 different people: my boss, my flatmate, and various different friends. People really loved them, and posting about them on my story got my cousins (from the same country as my dad) excited and talking to me about it. I got to feel good about myself while sharing something nice with other people. That's a great feeling.

- Reconnecting with those old friends the other night was great, even if I got hungover and somewhat triggered the next day. I've felt insecure in those friendships before, which I guess is why I let distance form in them, but feeling like I had something nice to share (the cookies, hahah) helped me forget about that. Several days later one of those friends (the artist) left me a very nice impromptu voicemail saying how much fun he had seeing me, and said that I "seemed like I'm doing well." He's a very genuine guy, and I'd like to see him more.

- Accutane has already been making a difference in my skin. My back is already clearer, and my face isn't oily like it always has been in the past.

Incidentally, this means that all these things came true (I've also been drawing and playing bass here and there):

Here are a couple things I can do for this purpose in the next few days or week:
- Bake something. I've thought about making some traditional cookies from my dad's culture. I wanted to just buy some for some friends and coworkers of mine, but I can't seem to figure out whether one even can in the city where I live. I asked my dad a few times if he knows anyone, but he hasn't gotten back to me. So, hell, maybe I'll just take a crack at it myself. Baking takes work, but it's fun and gratifying.
- See a friend that I haven't seen in awhile. Last week we were texting saying we should catch up, and he gave me an open invitation to come by sometime and look at new paintings he's been working on (he's an artist). Monday is a work holiday, so maybe I'll text him then and see if I can come by.
- Drawing. It's been awhile since I did any. I have a sort of mental block to starting again when I haven't for awhile, but I always end up enjoying it once I've gotten rolling.
- Playing bass. I bought one in the past year and I should just mess around on it, play a few basslines and riffs from songs I like, with no expectation of quality or seriousness. I did that for a little bit the other day and it was fun.

So I figure I'll make another little list of positive things I could do, and maybe that'll happen again:

- I could bake something again. That friend of mine was suggesting I try bread. I remember making sourdough with my mom when I was a kid, and that was a cool experience, so maybe I'll try that (and then bring my friend some).
- I want to try homebrewing some kind of alcohol at some point. I'm not sure what exactly, but perhaps something I don't need a complicated setup to make. Maybe mead? I heard that's easy to brew. Or else, something else that doesn't require fancy equipment.
- I should buy myself a pair of good running shoes! The current shoes I'm using are not running shoes, and they're causing me blisters. So "treating myself" to a pair that won't do that would be a good idea.
- I was thinking to invite those friends I saw last week to go bouldering sometime. I feel like we'd all enjoy it for different reasons (one of them likes climbing, and another is also into strength/fitness like me). And it's something we could do as just us 3.

Well, that's all for today's wall of text. I've got a bunch of errands to keep me busy today, so off I go.
 

TypeN

Active Member
🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟨🟩πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟨🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟦🟦🟨🟦🟨🟦🟦🟨🟦🟩🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟨πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟨πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟦🟩πŸŸ₯← Today, 02/22

(Key: 🟦 = no PMO; 🟩 = no P; 🟨 = substitutes; πŸŸ₯ = relapse)

Hey all. Unfortunately I have to report a relapse.

Yesterday I had an unscheduled MO. And then last night I slept quite poorly. I guess I used the fatigue and some disappointment from yesterday as an excuse to act out, and I PMO’d after work today (deciding to feel disappointed about yesterday instead of posting here also played a part).

I am thinking to get right back to the schedule I discussed β€” Saturdays only for MO. But, I am not sure what is right for me in this moment. So if you guys have any thoughts about what I should do, please feel free to share.

Most of all I’d really like to not relapse more.

I also want to take this moment to remind myself of a few more positive things about the present:
  • Tomorrow I have another job interview.
  • I did order some nice running shoes, which should make my long runs much more comfortable. They arrive Friday.
  • And I suppose tonight I’ll order supplies to make some sourdough this weekend; something stimulating to take my mind off withdrawals.
Anyhow I welcome your feedback. Thanks.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Thanks for the support guys. I'm just trying to keep my head down today, prepping for that interview in a few hours. After that I'll hit the gym, and then I have physical therapy later. Keeping busy.

I like how you focused on a few positives, you will get back on track πŸ‘ do you feel like you have increased urges after MO’ing that leads to P? I know that chaser effect can be a bastard sometimes

That's a good question. Since I've been wrestling with a lot of sexual rumination in general (whether or not I've MO'd), it's somewhat hard for me to tell. But I'd say it does trigger those thoughts, to an extent. More obviously I think I feel a desire for more MO, after MO.
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Hey TypeN. I'm so glad about the positive things you've listed. And, sorry about the relapse.

Noticed what I did? I talked about the positive things first. That's a mindset I think we're not so used to... I try to practice it myself. Our brain is always drawn to the negative first, and sometimes it's giving the negative too much importance (most of the time, actually). So, I find that practicing a positive first mindset is so helpful: if you explore all that is/was great first, then the negative you'll then think about won't seem so bad...

Keep up the positive thinking :)
 

TypeN

Active Member
🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟨🟩πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟨🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟦🟦🟨🟦🟨🟦🟦🟨🟦🟩🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟨πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟨πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟦🟩πŸŸ₯πŸŸ©πŸŸ¦πŸŸ©β† Today, 02/25

(Key: 🟦 = no PMO; 🟩 = no P; 🟨 = substitutes; πŸŸ₯ = relapse)

Well, it's a bumpy start, but I'm back on the road. I had my scheduled MO today, and now I'm committed to resuming the schedule I had my eyes set on before the relapse.

A number of different things have happened in my life recently that have also lit a bit of a fire under me, mentally. There's stuff I really need to get done and change in the next few months, and there's no place for addiction in the life I need to lead for those things to happen.

And, although I have struggled a lot with the impact of relapse on my mental state and desires in the past few days, I have also had the opportunity to see beliefs, and abilities, and so on that have been strengthened by my sobriety, push back on those desires. Those changes in me did not just disappear because I lapsed. I'm still more confident, mentally sharp, mindful, and much more fit; and I still have my routines (journalling, posting here, meditation, physical therapy, working out, and meal prep). And in time they will replace my addictive mindset entirely.

Fuck porn! I'm in this for the long haul.
 
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Winnerwhoabstains

Active Member
Good focus on the goals and the positive habits!


One quote I found really helpful from a psychologist who thoroughly studied addiction recovery was

"Change is a messy and inconsistent process" - and this came from TONS of research on what it takes to make lasting changes in life - it's messy, simple as that. So it's all part of the process
 

TypeN

Active Member
🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟨🟩πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟨🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟦🟦🟨🟦🟨🟦🟦🟨🟦🟩🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟨πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟨πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟦🟩πŸŸ₯πŸŸ©πŸŸ¦πŸŸ©πŸ”·β† Today, 02/26

(Key: 🟦 = no PMO; 🟩 = no P; 🟨 = substitutes; πŸŸ₯ = relapse)

Hit the gym today and crushed last week's deadlift plateau easily. This was an interesting comparison for me, because I also lifted right after the relapse, and I was much weaker than I hoped that day (weaker even than the week before). I just felt crappy. Today was completely different. I was full of energy once I warmed up, and the weight just came right up. For one rep ... and then rep two was surprisingly easy, and then rep 3... almost did a rep 4, too! But I could tell my form was wavering so I left it there for my top set. But the juxtaposition today made me think "wow, I was really abusing my body when I was in the depths of my addiction", because I was doing that all the time.

Before that this morning I took some inspiration from @the_mountain_goat and did my home exercises for PT. They gave me some relief for sure; not as good as a PT session, but definitely enough for them to be worth doing more regularly.

There haven't been many porn or MO thoughts on my mind today. Although, I found myself noticing women at the gym a lot. A bit of that is fine and normal, but I want to control myself (I have a sister, so I've heard from her how uncomfortable it can be to have prolonged attention when you're just trying to do your thing).

Tomorrow I may go for a run. Normally I'd lift, but I'm excited to try my new running shoes!
 
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TypeN

Active Member
🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟨🟩πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟨🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟦🟦🟨🟦🟨🟦🟦🟨🟦🟩🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟨πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟨πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟦🟩πŸŸ₯πŸŸ©πŸŸ¦πŸŸ©πŸŸ¦πŸ”·β† Today, 02/26

(Key: 🟦 = no PMO; 🟩 = no P; 🟨 = substitutes; πŸŸ₯ = relapse)

Took that run today -- even though I was tired after work. It went well! The shoes are such an improvement. No blisters or major soreness like I had with the (non-running) shoes I was using before. And my form is much more fluid.

It went:

Mile 1: 9:31
Miles 2, 3, 4: 9:14
Mile 5: 8:34

Completely fresh, I bet I could do all 5 miles at 8:30 with these new shoes. Feeling real good.
 

TypeN

Active Member
🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟨🟩πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟨🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟦🟦🟨🟦🟨🟦🟦🟨🟦🟩🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟨πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟨πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟦🟩πŸŸ₯πŸŸ©πŸŸ¦πŸŸ©πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸ”·β† Today, 03/01

(Key: 🟦 = no PMO; 🟩 = no P; 🟨 = substitutes; πŸŸ₯ = relapse)

Didn’t check in Tuesday as scheduled, so I am today.

I got a lot done yesterday; had 2 different doctors appts, lifted, meal prepped, and did some other tasks. But some stuff happened in the evening that put me in a very bad mood.

On the one hand, I can take some comfort in the fact that in the moment, what happened didn’t make me feel like watching porn or jerking off. It just made me feel angry/stressed out/low. I spent awhile just feeling those emotions, and then β€” still feeling shitty β€” mostly resumed the tasks I had planned for the evening. I didn't have any addictive feelings disguised as "horniness", which is perhaps a sign of healing. And that's important β€” I need to be able to feel bad feelings, without having the immediate impulse to strangle them with escapism.

On the other hand, I had a pretty rough night once I turned in several hours later. I slept pretty poorly and, in and out of sleep, was dreaming/thinking sexually for several hours. I also kept having an erection for most of the night, including while unconscious. I’m not sure whether that was due to abstinence (I've been having β€œmorning wood” a lot more lately), or if it was my body trying to get me to MO to "self-soothe" from my emotional distress. Perhaps both.

So, today I have struggled a bit with addictive thinking. Not so much as in previous periods, but I do feel somewhat β€œoff balance.”

Today I will not work out, and maybe not tomorrow either; there’s too much stress swirling around in my body. I have also been lapsing with my other routines (meditation, journalling), so perhaps I will take the time saved to resume those.
 

TypeN

Active Member
🟦🟩🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩πŸŸ₯🟩🟩🟩🟦🟩🟨🟩πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟨🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟦🟦🟨🟦🟨🟦🟦🟨🟦🟩🟦πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟨πŸŸ₯🟦🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩🟨πŸŸ₯🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟦🟩🟦🟦🟩πŸŸ₯πŸŸ©πŸŸ¦πŸŸ©πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ¦πŸŸ©β† Today, 03/04

(Key: 🟦 = no PMO; 🟩 = no P; 🟨 = substitutes; πŸŸ₯ = relapse)

Still feeling rough today, but it was especially so yesterday. I just felt bad, more negative and anxious than I have in awhile.

I think it might be a medication thing. Because accutane has been drying up my sinuses, I've been using a sinus steroid that I'm prescribed so that I can breathe better at night. It does improve airflow for me, but I also notice that I'm unable to sleep as long when I take it. I think it could be a partial culprit for why I feel so stressed and down, too. Usually after a night's sleep I wake up feeling pretty neutral, even if I was distressed the night before. But not so much, this week. It's like the negative thoughts are almost a physical sensation, that I can't shake.

Gonna try not using it tonight and see how that goes. I also just switched accutane generics so maybe there's something there.

There's also various rather stressful things that happened to me this week. And it could be withdrawals, too, I guess... will have to see.

Making a point now of being more diligent about the rest of my routine (meditation, reboot podcasts, journalling). I had a moment yesterday where I slipped and peeked at some substitutes. Didn't let it turn into a real session, but I really want to avoid that. My sobriety now has momentum, but it also feels fragile, and I want to take every step I can to keep it going.
 
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