Moving forward!

TypeN

Active Member
Today I binged MO several times. I let myself go when I got home from work.

I won't the rest of tonight, and I won't tomorrow. I'll check in here in the morning too, since I'm off work.

Dealing with some difficult thoughts today. I was feeling totally overwhelmed by them for most of the day, and struggling internally with masking it on the job (as I have been a lot lately). At some point though I kind of hit a wall and totally stopped caring about them. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, since I didn't really do anything like meditation to reach that point.

On the constructive side, I did start with that gratitude protocol, and it helped calm me down in a few of my roughest moments this week. I've done one story from my personal experience, and I think I might do another one or two to give myself some variety in the practice.
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Hey, TypeN, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. Is there any place where you don't need to mask your feelings? Any person you can reach out to?
I hope this will pass soon enough and that you find a way to express your emotions in a healthy way and to cope with the situation.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Feeling about the same today as yesterday. Just kind of emotionally unplugged.

Committing to no-MO today.

Hey, TypeN, I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. Is there any place where you don't need to mask your feelings? Any person you can reach out to?
I hope this will pass soon enough and that you find a way to express your emotions in a healthy way and to cope with the situation.

Thanks man.

I'm not really sure; it doesn't really feel like it. The place I feel most able to do that is when I'm alone, at home. But I know that's not healthy either. I've been crying a lot lately when I'm alone, and it doesn't feel much like the "releasing stress" crying that I've experienced from time to time in better periods.

In the past few months some of my few closer friends have retreated from my life almost entirely, which has definitely made things a lot harder. I feel like my only option right now is to go meet new people, but that feels like such a huge barrier, because I'm so depressed and because I have so much to get done. Lately I have leaned on my family somewhat and it has helped, but my family dynamic can be very dysfunctional, so it's hard for me to want to be fully honest with them. We live on opposite sides of the country, too, so that aspect of it doesn't help.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Still sad today, but I’m doing better in a way, I think.

I cried again this afternoon, but it felt like the right thing to do, because it was about something concrete.

These past few days I feel more strongly than ever that I want to leave rumination behind. My recent hardship has taught me that I must. If I don’t, it really will destroy me. When these dark thoughts come to me, large or small, I must become able to just let them go, however real they might feel in the moment.

It also has me thinking about how much my compulsive behavior has robbed from me. It’s taken so much. There may be forces in my life that have taken more, but nothing has made me feel so consistently hollow, empty and pointless as this addiction. It is an awful disease.

I’m aware more than ever lately of my mortality, how time has passed me by, and how individual chances to connect with others are ephemeral and fleeting things. I want to fill what I have left with connection and love, because those are what can make my time precious to me. I will not let addiction take any more of those chances away.

To apply this contemplative mood to something specific, I will start with no MO today, tomorrow, or the next day.
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Sorry to hear you are struggling. You said you had a therapist, maybe reaching to them can give you some support these days.

I know exactly what you mean about the rumination. Id a monster that consumes your energy and time. I have learnt to cope with it these months and it's been a process I still struggle with sometimes, but it can be better.

I worked with my psychologist to keep a register of thoughts. Everytime I was having an irrational thought I would write down the situation, the thought I was having, and I would write down an alternative rational thought. Even if I didn't believed 100% the rational thought (sometimes I believed it 0%) I would write it down and let it go. Eventually it helps you practice cutting down a train of thought and the rational thoughts begin to be more consistent. But as everything that is worth it, you have to be consistent and give it time.

I'm sorry you are struggling, I think is very understandable, though, as a lot if things are happening in your life at the same time. You probably need time to process it all. I hope you can find the support you need somewhere.

Sometimes it's not easy at all and you just have to go through. Maybe try to make your days as nice as possible. You know, cooking something nice, going to the cinema to watch a movie you want, something like that.

Tbh these days I've been feeling very lonely and depressed. I'm trying to get through as well.

I think is cool you are reflecting on these matters. They are very important and we are not properly taught to deal with them.
Indeed, compulsive behaviour has taken so much grom my life.... I can feel time running out for me, and I'm sad at all the time I wasted from a very young age. I could have invested that time in developing hobbies or other projects, but now I'm just trying to get through...
But we need to do the best we can with what we got. It takes courage, but things can get better.

Best wishes,

Trisquel
 

TypeN

Active Member
Thank you guys, and pardon the drop-off. Work got very busy and my sister is having a big medical crisis, so I’ve been pre-occupied. Going to try to not let these and other things keep me from posting daily now, though.

I did also relapse.

Despite these things my mood is a little better in general. Some of the emotional detachment that I was mentioning earlier in the week has stayed, but now it seems to be actually helping me a bit, to dissociate from my negative thoughts and get things done. I’m in the process of making some concrete plans for the future vis a vis job training. I do feel like I’m at the bottom of a deep rut right now, but I want to work my way out of it, and now I think I may have at least a little direction.

It goes without saying that my commitment to no-MO didn’t work, so I’m going to start smaller by committing to doing these daily healthy practices, each day:
  • Meditation, earliest chance I get.
  • Journalling, even just a short entry.
  • My PT home exercises.
And then I'll build from there ... that's how I started when things were going well, after all.

I worked with my psychologist to keep a register of thoughts. Everytime I was having an irrational thought I would write down the situation, the thought I was having, and I would write down an alternative rational thought. Even if I didn't believed 100% the rational thought (sometimes I believed it 0%) I would write it down and let it go. Eventually it helps you practice cutting down a train of thought and the rational thoughts begin to be more consistent. But as everything that is worth it, you have to be consistent and give it time.

Thank you for the advice and encouragement Trisquel. I am trying hard to work on these thoughts like you suggest ... sounds like we're all in that boat together. You're right though, I need to make time for more leisure activities. I've been considering making bread again this week, so that could be an opportunity.

I like this idea of the register of thoughts. I've been thinking lately that I need to get more of my thoughts on paper, instead of just stewing toxically in my head. I'll give this a shot tomorrow for journalling.
 

the_mountain_goat

Active Member
Nice that you're there to take care of your sister.

I like the three-point approach, sometimes it's easier to simplify: meditate, journal, PT exercises! This way when you get up in the morning you can be like: "OK, when will I take the time to complete these three things today?"

Cheers mate!
 

TypeN

Active Member
Had a decent day today. I spent a lot of time doing my PT exercises, and the extra time helped very noticeably in creating some relief with my neck/shoulders. After that I worked on an application to a training program, then lifted for the first time in a few weeks. Also snuck in a meditation session during my time at the gym. Mood's still been grim, but at least I'm getting some healthy stuff done.

That's everything I committed to besides private journalling -- which I'll do before I sleep. Until tomorrow. 👋
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Had a decent day today. I spent a lot of time doing my PT exercises, and the extra time helped very noticeably in creating some relief with my neck/shoulders. After that I worked on an application to a training program, then lifted for the first time in a few weeks. Also snuck in a meditation session during my time at the gym. Mood's still been grim, but at least I'm getting some healthy stuff done.

That's everything I committed to besides private journalling -- which I'll do before I sleep. Until tomorrow. 👋
Sounds good! Good luck these days, keep strong.

Cheers,
Trisquel
 

TypeN

Active Member
Thank you for checking in guys.

I had a bad series of relapses and was in a really dark hole mentally. However I am now concluding my 3rd day of no P/M/O. It’s not a lot, but it’s the longest I’ve gone without MO in a long while, and I want to keep it going.

Things are also looking up a little bit. It’s looking like the friend who dropped out of touch with me might move in with me after all. That’s one of the few external factors that could have made a little difference in my sense of wellbeing. There’s a chance it doesn’t work out, so I’m trying to keep that in perspective and develop a productive outlook about the future either way. It’s a big challenge for me but I’m trying.

I haven’t felt good the last few days, honestly I’ve felt really empty. But I’ve managed nonetheless to avoid self-“soothing” with MO. Here’s to keeping that momentum — and being in better touch here now that I’ve stabilized a little.

🟦🟦🔷 ← Today (6/06).
 

Trisquel

Active Member
Good luck with your friend!
I'm sorry to hear that you are not doing so good, O hope it gets better. You have a lot in your plate right now, is normal if you need time to process it.
Do you have any idea what could help you with your wellbeing? Exercise, eating better, going outside, working on a project....
Anyhow, I now these things can be extremely difficult if you are not in a good spot mentally, I hope you can find the support you need.
Best of wishes!
 

TypeN

Active Member
Had unplanned MO today, which isn’t ideal; if I'm going to MO, I want it to feel like a choice, not because I've lost control. What happened is that I let myself get carried away after a series of triggers. I’m always vulnerable to that sort of thing starting around the 3rd-4th day without O.

Tomorrow I will check in here early, and focus on making the next few days MO-free, instead of getting hung up on this. Clearly I can do this; I just knocked out 4 days without MO, which is no small feat for me. I don't need to MO. I just need to take proactive steps to reduce triggers and reintroduce healthy structure to my life.

🟦🟦🟦🟦🟩 ← Today (6/08).

Good luck with your friend!
I'm sorry to hear that you are not doing so good, O hope it gets better. You have a lot in your plate right now, is normal if you need time to process it.
Do you have any idea what could help you with your wellbeing? Exercise, eating better, going outside, working on a project....
Anyhow, I now these things can be extremely difficult if you are not in a good spot mentally, I hope you can find the support you need.
Best of wishes!

Thanks man. I really want to get back into the swing of working out again, making bread, cooking, and so on ...

I've been under the weather and the air in my city has been very polluted, so I haven't felt up to these tasks in the past few days. I also have some studying to do, and I need to finish staging my apartment for whoever will be my roommate.

So, I probably need to make myself start small in order to rekindle my healthy habits. Baby steps. Tonight I will clean out my fridge, and put together a grocery list, so that I can meal prep sometime in the next few days.
 
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