Self Mastery

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum and forums in general, but I've realised it's time to up my accountability with this. I'll start with 2 posts. This first one is my story,

I started watching porn around 14ish years old. I got really hooked into porn and eventually and eventually became a 'player' in my later teens. Until my mid 20's my mind was focused on how to get laid as much as possible. I picked up a habit of contacting escorts, a fetish not aligned with my sexuality, and a general confusion about what sexual freedom means. At one point I suffered with porn-induced E.D, and with the confusion about what I saw as a fetish, I ended up reading multiple books on the effects of porn including YBOP. This is when I started my journey of trying to reduce and stop P.M.O.

In my mid-20s I got into a serious relationship. Unfortunately, I had not overcome my habits/addictions and sexual confusion. I used escorts once or twice a year and continued to watch porn a couple of times a month. Every time I felt deep regret and shame. Many years into the happy relationship, I finally was able to pluck up the courage, to be honest with my partner and I revealed to her by choice what I had been seeing escorts. I had never revealed this to anyone. To me, I saw using escorts as just a step away from masturbating. I thought she would not be happy but things would be ok soon after. My understanding of the situation was completely deluded and unfortunately, the revelation destroyed our relationship and hurt her greatly.

This put me into a pit of guilt, despair and I started experiencing some suicidal feelings. It was a rock bottom moment where I had to ether sort get to the root of my issues or go deep into a hole of darkness. I dived into therapy, SAA, learning about sex addiction and doing deep meditation practices. These helped me get to the root of my issues and changed the way I understand sexual freedom and fulfillment.

I now understand that sexual desire for things like porn, escorts and disconnected sex is like the desire to eat junk food. We can eat more and more but the urge is never satisfied, it just makes the urge come back stronger, more powerful, and out of control. Awareness and discipline are the true keys to freedom and fulfillment over these desires.

I'm now in a strong place. I no longer have any desire to contact an escort (its been a couple years since I last did it), I have no interest in sex which is not rooted in honesty and with someone I feel a connection with. Me and my partner have been rebuilding our relationship, although things are very rocky and might not work out. I have been porn free for the last 3 weeks and I'm using mindful masturbation to retrain my mind and better understand my body. My aim is to master my sexual energy through deep understanding, discipline and re-training. The porn habit is still there but its weakening. The foundation of confusion it used to sit on has gone and now I use mindful masturbation as a healthy alternative. I'm continuing to work on weakening the porn neural-pathways and build healthier ones.

I've decided to join this blog to add an extra layer of accountability to my practice of living porn free and sexually healthy. Hopefully, I'll be able to help some of the community along the way.
 
The Journey

Why?

  • To not put those I love or myself in harms way emotionally, physically, or spiritually
  • To not support an industry that causes so much confusion and suffering
  • To gain and maintain a sense of inner peace and wellbeing
  • To gain and maintain a high sense of self-worth and esteem
  • To gain a sense understanding and mastery over my life
  • To become truly sexually free via sexual self-sufficiency

I will not
  • No porn of any form
  • No masturbation focused on porn/visual stimulus
  • No paying/contact/meeting/sex with sex workers
  • No sexual misconduct
I will
  • Post an update of my journey on this forum once a week
  • Attend an SAA meeting online or in person at least once a month
  • Practice mindful masturbation and meditation to develop awareness and control in the face of sexual sensations

If relapse occurs I will...
  • Immediately attend an SAA meeting in person as a priority
  • Write a post on this forum detailing what happened
  • Reset my day counter
  • Analyse the situation, the triggers, and what I can do to avoid this next time
 
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That's great. Coming clean with a partner is terrifying but such an important step in the journey. I had a similar experience with my wife. It was temporary hurt but definitely necessary for long-term satisfaction and intimacy.
 
That's great. Coming clean with a partner is terrifying but such an important step in the journey. I had a similar experience with my wife. It was temporary hurt but definitely necessary for long-term satisfaction and intimacy.
Thank you man, I appreciate the support. It's been really tough and I've felt a lot of regret but it helps to hear from someone who had a similar experience.
 
3 weeks 6 days of freedom

It's been a good week. Easier to manage my thoughts and I'm becoming more mentally grounded without porn. I had some emotionally difficult days but I observed my situation objectively and let the difficult emotions pass in a healthy way.
 
5 Weeks 6 days of freedom

A bit more of a difficult week but was pretty fine. Strong urges no longer seem to arise but there's a bit of a dull feeling which replaces that at times. Libido is low.
 
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