Life’s Funny

Never really shared my story, and I may just need to get this out as no one has ever heard it… life’s really hitting now.

I grew up in a religious home - southern baptist - which never really bothered me. I was a great kid, always told I was mature for my age since I could remember hearing. My dad was the principal of and then the headmaster of the schools I attended, so I was often told my actions reflect on my parents. I alway had to be at my best behavior. I was always bright, new every right answer, but too scared to speak up. I became quiet, and reserved. I became saved young which is something I have gripes against now, I just feel I was too young, and I felt guilt tripped into it. I discovered M. early completely by accident. Soon after I started looking at women in underwear where I could. It wasn’t until a school trip in 6th or 7th grade where a kid showed me my first porn video. I told him to turn it off, but I was curious, so I watched it for myself. From then on porn was in my life. I’m 23 now… Every year I would hear a church sermon on how “God is with you you can overcome”, or “God doesn’t send you battles you can’t win”. Well why the fuck did he send someone to show me porn.
I grew up watching porn, more, then less, off and on, but never for an extended period of time. I was agnostic by HighSchool, and everyone watched porn, I didn’t care about sin. It wasn’t until recently that I have gotten to the point when I just don’t care. Shit ain’t funny, shit ain’t sad, and I never get mad.
I stopped drumming - my hobby - even though I dream of being a metal musician. I couldn’t live without music - yet now I have tinnitus at 23 and fear I will never get to experience movies, video games, meaningful conversation, or Deftones ever again. My body is falling apart from working overnights to get by at 19 an hour 60/70 hour a week.
My father is the most faithful and wise man I know, but if God’s real, the only thing I have is confusion. Not hate, just why? I was open about my struggle with porn, but I only ever got slapped in the wrist, when I definitely need help in Highschool. I look at my future in music as a drummer, the things I love all teetering to being lost. I want to be done with porn.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Welcome!

I think what many of us share here is that we feel like broken people in a way. Leading double lives, having multiple "personalities" inside ourselves - one voice telling us to abuse P, another voice telling us how bad we are for doing that. One voice telling us to follow our passion, another voice telling us nothing matters...

What many here also share is a total amazement of how our lives can change just by quitting P - because we are returning to being a unified human, living in accord with our values, not always fighting ourselves. The reboot - 90 days let's say - is a start. A goal to aim for to feel the transformation taking hold. Try it. What is there to lose? I bet you'll feel like drumming by the end of it! Or maybe you should consciously go drumming every time the urge for P calls.

By the way - I've had tinnitus since my early 20s (I'm 45 now). I still hear very well and still enjoy my heavy metal... (I'm more into Nightwish, Linkin Park, etc and of course Metallica lol). But I started always wearing ear plugs at shows and I force myself to listen at a reasonable volume on my headphones. You may want to find proper ear plugs for playing your drums - invest in something that allows you to hear the music but also protects your ears. :)
 

TealCactus

Member
Hey willem, thanks for sharing!

I was raised baptist as well, and my religious surroundings made me feel shame and self-hatred (not putting down religious people, I'm just saying it's not for me and it caused me a lot of pain growing up, and still does today in many ways). I was sure it was my fault because I was a sinner or something—I had no clue it was an addiction with real science behind it. When I was maybe 15, my dad told my brother and I he would support us if we came to him about a porn addiction. A couple years later he found porn in my laptop search history, and instead of confronting me about it he opened the website up so that when I opened my laptop at school the next morning everyone would see. He also nearly disowned me for losing my virginity in high school (something he had also done). Guys at church would talk about beating porn together, but then they'd go say awful things about girls we knew and they'd brag about who they'd slept with. The hypocrisy was unreal, and it was really damaging to me at the time.

On a more positive note: Don't give up on yourself or on life, you're only 23 man! People talk about mid-life crises, but no one ever talks about the 20s, post-high school, early-career crisis. It's a totally different world and we're just thrown into it. I'm 21 and I often feel like I already missed my shot at a great life, but i have to remind myself how young I am. Hell, it doesn't matter if you're 60—anyone can turn their life around and pursue new hobbies. Coco Chanel didn't design a dress till she was in her 40s (a random fact I know, but for some reason that's always stuck with me). One thing I would encourage you to do is sit down and write why you want to quit porn. What are the consequences? (physical, mental, emotional, financial, long-term, relationships, short-term, etc., etc.). What would life look like without it? If you can think of the big picture, it sometimes helps you with the small steps.
 
Welcome!

I think what many of us share here is that we feel like broken people in a way. Leading double lives, having multiple "personalities" inside ourselves - one voice telling us to abuse P, another voice telling us how bad we are for doing that. One voice telling us to follow our passion, another voice telling us nothing matters...

What many here also share is a total amazement of how our lives can change just by quitting P - because we are returning to being a unified human, living in accord with our values, not always fighting ourselves. The reboot - 90 days let's say - is a start. A goal to aim for to feel the transformation taking hold. Try it. What is there to lose? I bet you'll feel like drumming by the end of it! Or maybe you should consciously go drumming every time the urge for P calls.

By the way - I've had tinnitus since my early 20s (I'm 45 now). I still hear very well and still enjoy my heavy metal... (I'm more into Nightwish, Linkin Park, etc and of course Metallica lol). But I started always wearing ear plugs at shows and I force myself to listen at a reasonable volume on my headphones. You may want to find proper ear plugs for playing your drums - invest in something that allows you to hear the music but also protects your ears. :)
I appreciate this more than you know. I’m alone unless I’m at work, and I work nights so it’s rough. I love Linkin Park, really wish I could have seen them before Chester passed. Turning to hobbies has been amazing and probably the best thing. I’ve taken up reading fantasy books, and drawing. Journaling has helped as well. I wish you an amazing day, and hope life finds you well.
 
Hey willem, thanks for sharing!

I was raised baptist as well, and my religious surroundings made me feel shame and self-hatred (not putting down religious people, I'm just saying it's not for me and it caused me a lot of pain growing up, and still does today in many ways). I was sure it was my fault because I was a sinner or something—I had no clue it was an addiction with real science behind it. When I was maybe 15, my dad told my brother and I he would support us if we came to him about a porn addiction. A couple years later he found porn in my laptop search history, and instead of confronting me about it he opened the website up so that when I opened my laptop at school the next morning everyone would see. He also nearly disowned me for losing my virginity in high school (something he had also done). Guys at church would talk about beating porn together, but then they'd go say awful things about girls we knew and they'd brag about who they'd slept with. The hypocrisy was unreal, and it was really damaging to me at the time.

On a more positive note: Don't give up on yourself or on life, you're only 23 man! People talk about mid-life crises, but no one ever talks about the 20s, post-high school, early-career crisis. It's a totally different world and we're just thrown into it. I'm 21 and I often feel like I already missed my shot at a great life, but i have to remind myself how young I am. Hell, it doesn't matter if you're 60—anyone can turn their life around and pursue new hobbies. Coco Chanel didn't design a dress till she was in her 40s (a random fact I know, but for some reason that's always stuck with me). One thing I would encourage you to do is sit down and write why you want to quit porn. What are the consequences? (physical, mental, emotional, financial, long-term, relationships, short-term, etc., etc.). What would life look like without it? If you can think of the big picture, it sometimes helps you with the small steps.
This has helped tremendously. The early 20s has definitely been hitting, but you’re right, our whole lives are ahead of it. Being alone most of the time makes me forget I’m not alone in this struggle. Here’s to a new day.
 
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