Advice needed from SOs


Hey Fam:

So…..friends, colleagues and some family have approached me over the past week asking “is everything ok?” “You don’t seem yourself?” “Is everything ok?” - I value my professionalism and my “game face” - but apparently I am not doing a good job and wearing my heart on my sleeve. I’ve been reassuring everyone that I am ok - which at some level - I guess I am. I am not usually the person who wears his heart on a sleeve...but I hate “lying” to people that I love and respect…THINGS ARE NOT OK - but I am just too embarrassed to discuss it at this point (outside of a trusted friend and a therapist…and all of you). I just don’t know what to say??? Trouble in Paradise? Working through some stuff? Brian’s in recovery from jerking off 25 times a week to porn and cam guys and erotic fantasy games? I knew absolutely ZERO about porn/sex addiction before this event…or I was in denial.

Any advice or phraseology that you all have used. I know that people are asking out of love and caring - I’m just not ready to have ANY discussions at this point…at the risk of sounding naive - I just want it all to go away - I don’t want to face it - I get sick to my stomach when I think of it - and I truly believed I was a stronger man who could get through “something” like this…well, I am not - and I am in a place right now where I don’t want to derail his recovery. Jesus, 90 days has never felt so LONG.

Would appreciate any advice that SOs can offer.



Staff member
I just let people know I was working through some personal stuff. Fortunately for me we had family living different places so that made it easier to use family as a reason. Not totally a lie. It was family. As I have said before he told the sons. I talked to daughter in laws. And I had a close friend. Mostly though white knuckled it through. I am not a therapist, but work in a job where I refer and do work with them in a rural area which for me made that a No. it is difficult as a partner to have all this in your head. How about SO anonymous? I think to we carry the stereotypes we hear with us. If you were good enough in bed this would not happen. Take care of your man. Don’t put on weight. Look good everyday. Be daring in bed. Be sexy. And then......they use anyway.....we failed. We trusted and should not have...boy were we dumb. Of course people will know something is up. We are feeling like failures and fighting for ourselves, where did we go? Our self esteem, we have little to none. Our relationship, what will it be? How do we talk to others? Mostly we don’t. Just a going through a tough time is my answer and I say no more.


I didn't really talk to anyone about it other than my therapist, because even though, talking to someone close would be exposing my partner too much... I'm also in the same testing period as you, so I decided to give him all the conditions to work this in peace and inevitably involves him having security for this… I feel very lonely not sharing it with anyone but my therapist and you guys… but I believe it is the solution at the moment. I am very far from my family (another country). When I talk to them, eventually I can't keep a smile, they ask if everything is ok and I say it's concerns with personal issues that they already know I go through and that's it. I miss being welcomed by the ones I love… sometimes I wanted to say. It's really lonely, but I've been through it all, creating a unease in the family and my partner doesn't seem to help in his recovery, I would be pulling my rug out myself. maybe sharing with someone neutral will help, but your close family circle doesn't seem like a good idea unless your husband accepts. Tough situation.. I hope you're all right, Mike. You've been doing really well, you're really showing a lot of courage and strength to deal with all of this. Understand that you are not alone, although anonymous and distant, we will be here too.