I need some answers please!

[My husband is an addict]

EXACTLY!

I would like to add that since D Day my husband as spent an inordinate amount of time pointing out other men to me and asking if I find them attractive (not that any amount of time doing this would be ordinary, but he's trying to prove a point.). Since we became "exclusive" I've had blinders on. I just plain don't notice other men, now if someone points someone out and says something like "doesn't he have great abs?", I obviously can see he has great abs, or is good looking in general, but I don't observe on my own. He doesn't believe me. I think this is my natural state when in a relationship, I was the same way with old boyfriends. (I think it's a form of respect and not introducing any reason for the other person to feel like the relationship could be jeopardized.) As for him looking, after what he's put me through there is no room left for the 2 second rule. Either you want me or you don't. Perhaps not realistic, but I'm certain if I spent several years ogling other men in bars, restaurants, on beaches, in the grocery store...in front of him while not hearing a word he's saying, he wouldn't be feeling too good about himself or the status of our marriage.

Anyway, back to the original topic. Since he has been trying to force this idea on me, when I go to the gym, I purposefully try to make this mental connection. There are plenty of late teens/early 20's there, and my mind just says NO, they're younger than my son. I believe this is called boundaries.

I also believe society has given men permission to ogle anything of the opposite sex. Look back to when Calvin Klein put a 15 year old Brooke Shields in sexy poses. Not to mention how does that young girl feel when she sees an old man ogling her. Not comfortable I can assure you.

I agree. I don`t notice other men of any age. Once in a blue moon, like once every 5 years or something stupid I`ll see someone will catch my attention. It`s rare and I don`t ogle when they do. I think something like, " That`s a good looking man" and then I`m over it.

I don`t have the 2 second rule. He gets a split second, no more. Twenty five years of it and I`m not taking even one more second.

I know that when I was very young and old men looked at me it completely grossed me out and it did make me very uncomfortable. I couldn't get away from them fast enough! I also thought that there was something wrong with them that they would be looking at me when I was still just a child or like 1/2 their age.. Gross!!!

Society has definitely given men permission to do it. They are made to believe that females are here just for them. They have the right to do whatever they want to us and we are just supposed to be ok with it. It`s infuriating sometimes. Not to mention as young boys they are taught that we are only bodies and nothing more.

 

[My husband is an addict]

It is a tricky one!

Emotions seem to bowl over the logic, and (for me) I hit a point of emotional exhaustion and then logic starts to find an opening. Sure would be nice if logic took precedence. Working on it as we speak!

When I found out that literally half of my life was a big lie logic was gone. Emotions ruled. It devastated every fiber of my being to find out the extent of the lies. He swore to love and protect me but turned out to be the biggest perpetrator of lies and devastation. The level of hurt is indescribale to someone that has never felt a total devastation of ones self. There is no logic that can be found in those months. The emotional and physical pain out weighs it.

 

[My husband is an addict]

I think the whole emotion logic thing comes down to some points. We thought, as partners, that we were indeed partners in our marriage. I feel many of us felt that both of us in the marriage would love and care for each other. Many of us that had been through things in our families or relationships have carefully chosen our life partner. We may have told them things about ourselves no one knew. We have went through our time and life with someone we thought had our back all day every day. Then we find out that this porn addiction has been a focus of theirs for a long time. We find out as we go through menopause, our bodies changing in a world that hold us to an impossible standard mostly centered around physical looks. My husband would always say prior to Dday he remembered me at 18. A lot. That stopped once we talked. But when this addiction remains hidden and goes on for a long time. We feel tricked. Not a great feeling. I still have trouble breathing when I think about it.

Gracie, That is perfectly put. I had no idea that the man that said he loved me was doing what he did or that he made decisions for my life without my knowledge or consent. I need to clairify that I knew he looked at other girls/women and watched Hollywood movies, but had no idea he watched porn and diddled himself all the time. Twenty-five years my life was a lie and now I have to sort it out. Luckily logic is returning, but with a lot of work. I have far more work to do to recover than him for sure.