Looking for gray between black and white

[Sovokh]

Hello, I’m new here and looking around I saw one of the first things was to make a journal, which also operates as a introduction, I suppose.
Online I go by Sovokh, or Sov, and despite the foreign username I’m very much American, haha. I love to read and play video games, mainly Destiny 2, and I’m a hyperactive introvert, if that makes sense. I’ve probably been exposed to porn before starting highschool, and as I continued it got steadily more…intense, I guess is the word for it. I mainly do it as a stress reliever and for pleasure, and now that I’m 19, nearing the end of my first semester at college in the hopes of becoming a nurse, I’m becoming more and more aware just how dangerous it could be for someone with ADHD and mild ASD to become addicted to masturbation. I’m well aware how dangerous addiction is to individuals with ADHD, and I’ve firmly avoided drugs, smoking, and alcohol whenever the opportunity presented itself to me. Classes so far has been pretty stressful, and I know that it’ll only get worse as I continue to work towards that goal. So I want to be able to control my body and be able to relax when I take breaks, not to have a urge in the middle of something important. And, I guess this is being greedy, but I want to be able to appreciate the story in the NSFW comics that I read -should it have one, I am aware that many are made purely for pleasure- without having an urge to masturbate. As I spend more time here I’ll ultimately know what the answer is for me, be it finding a middle ground or ultimately having to give up reading comics that may end up being a trigger for me, but as I’m still young I hope for a compromise. I know that it will become a problem the longer I ignore it, hell, it’s probably already a problem, but I want to choose when I want to read NSFW comics, not have my body choose for me.

Day 2: I had an urge while working on schoolwork, but I was firm on finishing the coursework and doing work around the house.

 

[Sovokh]

Got caught up with other things and forgot to write them individually, but here are days 3 and 4:
3: I had an urge in the morning, but I diverted my attention elsewhere by playing with my cat. I started watching an anime, Made in Abyss, to keep my mind off of potential triggers, and so far I’ve been greatly enjoying the show.

4: I’m back in my college dorm, and for once I’m grateful for living with 5 other people in a single dorm; I never have time alone. This week I won’t have as many classes though, so I need to find a way to burn that extra free time besides studying. Tomorrow morning will be the Blood Moon eclipse, so I’m exited for that even though as of writing this I’ll be up in 5 hours, so I should get some rest.

 

[Sovokh]

Day 5: I had stayed up too late the night before, and had ended up missing the eclipse. Little bit upset, but I’ve seen it before and I’ll see it again on 2025. I uh, had a very strange dream that’s probably due to me wanting to reboot, and it’s only increasing my desire to be better. A couple days ago I explored the Nofap community on a old Reddit account, but I think it’s better for me to post it here, simply because this website was the first. I’ve also come to the conclusion that Made in Abyss, while being a very good anime, is also super dark and depressing, so it’s been very successful in keeping my mind of usual triggers from anime. I’ve technically beaten my NNN as I couldn’t control myself 5 days ago, so I’m excited about that, but I want to go further.

 

[Sovokh]

Day 6. Didn’t have a good day and still upset about it even after talking with friends. Not in the mood for writing besides that and to check in.

 

[Sovokh]

Day 7 and 8: I lost again. To elaborate on what happened yesterday, Two online friends of mine have essentially been cancelled, for reasons I don’t want to get into. I was upset and said harsh words, so I had made matters worse?and…before I came to this website reliving myself was a form of reducing stress for me. And with the fact that both of them I would never be able to talk to, got me very stressed.
If there was ever a rewind button I would push it now.

 

[RichardMaxwell]

Day 7 and 8: I lost again. To elaborate on what happened yesterday, Two online friends of mine have essentially been cancelled, for reasons I don’t want to get into. I was upset and said harsh words, so I had made matters worse?and…before I came to this website reliving myself was a form of reducing stress for me. And with the fact that both of them I would never be able to talk to, got me very stressed.
If there was ever a rewind button I would push it now.

Pick your head up king. Fuck the rewind button, that is never gonna an option. The only option is to get back up, stronger than ever, dust the dirt off, and keep running. It isn’t a “bad habit” that’s at stake, it isn’t your happiness, but your soul. Everyday spent wasting away is another day your soul grows more dull. Fight for your life because it depends on it. You’re stronger than you’d ever think.

 

[Sovokh]

Day 9-11: I’m not a fan of doing entries in bursts like these, but other things have been getting in the way, such as the flu and moving to a different dorm room. I have a lot more space now, but from recent interactions with my new room mates Im not confident that we’re going to get along well so I’ve been keeping to myself whenever possible. This newfound privacy also gives risks as I can very easily lose again without getting caught. Besides that, it’s been a good change as the list of things that has to be accomplished keeps my mind off of previous events.

Moving forward I want to make sure to make an entry before I go to sleep, so writing will give me motivation to not relapse. The only issue with that is my sleep schedule is pretty inconsistent, but I’ll try to keep it around 10-11 pm est.

 

[Sovokh]

Day 12: went through today without issue, though I’m still getting adjusted to my new room. I haven’t been doing as well in my classes as I would have liked but I can’t change the grades of my previous assignments, only the ones later in the week.

 

[Sovokh]

Day 13: my sleep schedule isn’t improving but at least I’m being consistent. Commuting to my classes in this new dorm location is a lot longer now, so I’m a lot more exhausted at the end of the day. I guess that helps since I would be too tired to even try to relieve myself.

 

[Sovokh]

Day 14: since last week I haven’t had a class as often due to allowing us to work on an assignment on our own, but it’s just giving me an excuse to laze about in my bedroom until the one other class I do have on the same day would start. I’ve found an issue with my learning, but it’s difficult to solve without falling through the first few study sessions. Need to keep myself busy so my thoughts won’t stray, but I can’t work myself too hard else I get burnout