PMO ruining marriage

R

Rich

Member
I’m 50+ and have used P for around 40 years. My dad had mags under his bed which I found as a preteen. Then we got a satellite dish when I was 15 with all the good channels - I was actually pissed we didn’t get a hot tub, but little did I know how much “better” the dish would be. It had to slew almost entirely to get from the P channels to normal ones. I figured out it took as long to rotate back to normal channels as it did for my parents to drive up the driveway. So as soon as I heard the garage door start up, I would send it back.

Once at college I was, of course, old enough to buy mags myself. I kept a couple under my dorm mattress, and lugged those around a few apartments. Girlfriends came and went, but I always had the mags… Finally, the digital age started and P got much easier to access. I had access to P on the internet by the early-mid 90s - probably earlier than most - though laser discs and DVDs were still better. I guess my point is it’s always been available.

I’ve been married now for 23 years. My wife has caught me multiple time at it during that time - even before we were married tbh. Each time, I said I would stop, and each time I haven’t. And more than once, I lied and told her I had stopped when I hadn’t, and that makes it much worse. We’re now sleeping in separate beds, and I don’t know how much longer my marriage can last under these circumstances. After reading through multiple threads, I’ve determined PMO is my way to cope, and then it just settles in as a habit. Any mildly stressful situation can set me off, and marital problems certainly qualify.

I had Covenant Eyes on a computer in the 00s. I was probably at my best then, but I still sought out pics at least whenever I could. I removed that after a few years once I got a smart phone (I avoided that until the early 2010s, if you can believe it). I tried a reboot at some point, but only P, no MO, and relapsed. I did try MO for a few weeks, but caved when I thought I was doing ok. And that’s my cycle now: wife finds out, stop, assume I can MO, gradually find sexy pics somewhere, and before you know, I’m full on PMO.

I have Remojo (and not CE) on all the devices I can, but that doesn’t cover every screen I can access P. She’s my only accountability partner on that, but maybe that’s not the best choice. If anyone wants to volunteer, I’m in. I could just use an accountability partner here as well.

Finally, wife caught me yet again a little over a week ago. Yet again, I had lied to her just a week or so before and told her I was fine. I’m 9 days in on PMO reboot, but had a reset yesterday AM on MO, so I’m only 1 day there. I’m convinced I’ll just repeat the pattern above. Why can’t I just stop? Why am I such an asshole? Any encouragement is appreciated. Thanks
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Hello and welcome!
I'm glad you're here, and thank you for sharing.

Here is the analogy:
Porn addiction is like a crutch.
We were able to walk normally when young. Then one day we came across the crutch (porn) and it was pleasurable and makes walking easier.
After some time , stones got into our shoes and instead of clearing it, we lean fully on the crutch and stopped walking on that leg. (Challenges in life)
After many years, we've forgotten how to walk without the crutch.
We even believe in our minds that we need and must have it to walk normally.
Also that leg the crutch have been supporting is now weak and unendurable. (Resilience)
Going off crutch is painful cos the leg is weak and the shoe is full of stones we've never removed. (Burden)

Then one day we realize the crutch is making us walk slow and funny and decide to get off it .

And why it's so difficult is because all we see is the joy of the crutch and not the challenge of
1. Removing stones from the shoe (dealing with life without relief)
2. Strengthening the leg so we can stand on it again.(ability to endure and suffer for long term gain)

It's always so much easier to get back on the crutch.

So here's the hard part:
0. No more crutch (the most crucial part)
1. Resist the influence of the crutch (recognize the psychology of addiction)
2. Deal with the stones in the shoes by facing them. (Deal with the real life issues directly)
3. Strengthen the leg by exercising (endure discomforts of life without sexual release)
4. Find proper support ( join community)
5. Replace the crutch with healthier and natural support ( find other ways to feel good about self)
6. Study about leg recovery ( science of dopamine, refractory, prolectin, their effects and time taken to return to normal after orgasm)(study, study, study)
7. Recognize every daily achievements (build self recognition for esteem and trust)
8. Radical honesty (no lying to others or self)

Big timelines post last mo
1 week (high cravings)
2 week (high cravings)
Anxiety
1 month (craving cycle)
2 month (craving cycle)

If you can endure 3 to 4 months of no porn, and are active in
Repair
Restore
Replace
Recognize
Of your life, these things happen:
1. Sex or porn or mo as the main or only source of relief decreases
2. More ways to be happy
3. Clarity about your addiction
4. Reduced uncontrollable influence by addictive material
5. Clarity that the porn industry is a major con job and all its players are there for their own profit and your demise.
6. Growing confidence of self
7. general improvement of relationships
8. Freedom to live and think without influence
9. Overall happier with life

But first, list down the reasons why you want to get off to serve as a healthy reminder.

You might be clean in 5 months.
Or 5 years.
It's all up to your discipline and determination.

But I'd say the clean life is 100000000000x better than the fake addicted life.

At least the clean life is real.

You can do this!
Hope this helps!
 
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R

Rich

Member
Thank you @TakeActionNow. That sounds like an apt analogy. I have to ask though, is this truly an addiction? I know it's not recognized as such, but I also know it has many, if not all, of the qualifications for one. I feel like claiming it as an addiction is a copout somehow. It somewhat implies I'm not in control of what I do. I have a choice in the matter. I can choose not to do it, especially when I know it hurts someone I love. Yet it feels compulsive. Do I really not love her? Do I really not care about her? Anyway, maybe that's a bit too philosophical. But this is where our conversations go.
 
C

Crackers1

Member
Rich said:
Thank you @TakeActionNow. That sounds like an apt analogy. I have to ask though, is this truly an addiction? I know it's not recognized as such, but I also know it has many, if not all, of the qualifications for one. I feel like claiming it as an addiction is a copout somehow. It somewhat implies I'm not in control of what I do. I have a choice in the matter. I can choose not to do it, especially when I know it hurts someone I love. Yet it feels compulsive. Do I really not love her? Do I really not care about her? Anyway, maybe that's a bit too philosophical. But this is where our conversations go.
Click to expand...
My friend it is certainly a real addiction.1000%! The reason why you don't see your partner as appealing as you once did,is because you have oggled so many images of women. You have an unrealistic super high bar of what women should look like.Remember, before the Internet and TV, the brain had evolved from hundreds of millions of years. What we've seen in a day with women in compromise positions, is what some people have not seen in a lifetime, before the days of high speed. Ask yourself this question, because we're roughly around the same age. Back in the day when we were in our teens and in our twenties did we see a mental health crisis like we see today? Definitely not. And I can tell you probably 30 to 40% of that is from porn addiction.The internet is a HUUUUGE problem in our society.
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
How to know if it's an addiction?

1. Need. Cannot say no to it
2. Complusive. Cannot stop / quit
3. Influencing 1. Changes the way we think (needs detox to realize)
4. Depressing. Outlook gets worse and worse with it.
5. Singular. Only source of happiness
6. Demanding. Spend lots of time or money on it.
7. Seperating. Makes you spend time away from others
8. Secretive. You need to hide about it
9. Influencing 2. Affects you hormonally.
10. Consuming. Can't stop thinking/wanting it.
11. Denial.

You can read the journals of people here to decide for yourself if it's addictive or not.

Many people, including myself,
1. Cannot stop for a long time
2. Was depressed
3. Hurts when stopping
4. Change their thinking and behavior only after a long period of abstinence

Actually it's not about what you think if it is or not.
It's about your actions, if you can stop for a long time and not go back, and through that, discover your life has changed significantly for the better.
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Rich said:
I have to ask though, is this truly an addiction? I know it's not recognized as such, but I also know it has many, if not all, of the qualifications for one. I feel like claiming it as an addiction is a copout somehow. It somewhat implies I'm not in control of what I do.
Click to expand...
I think you answered your own question...

Each time, I said I would stop, and each time I haven’t. And more than once, I lied and told her I had stopped when I hadn’t, and that makes it much worse. We’re now sleeping in separate beds, and I don’t know how much longer my marriage can last under these circumstances. After reading through multiple threads, I’ve determined PMO is my way to cope, and then it just settles in as a habit. Any mildly stressful situation can set me off, and marital problems certainly qualify.
Click to expand...

If porn was merely "a habit" your marriage wouldn't be in trouble and mild stress wouldn't lead you to porn. If you say you're going to stop and then you don't (or can't), that's a clear sign of an addiction.

Take it from me: realizing that you have an addiction is the first step to defeating it. And you don't compromise or negotiate with an addiction; you crush it and resolve to keep it out of your life forever.
 
R

Rich

Member
Thank all of you for that. It somehow makes me feel more at peace with it.

I’m now 11 days in to PMO reboot, but only on day 3 of MO. I feel much more relaxed this “day 3” than the last one, though the urge was there this morning (mornings are my most difficult time of the day, since I’ve been in the PMO/MO habit first thing in the morning for awhile now). Hopefully that’s a good sign.
 
Rain2000

Rain2000

Member
Hey Rich, I'm not that far ahead of you in terms of days but have and still do at times, feel exactly the same way. Like the others have said, if you can map the terrain of what's going on, it will be FAR easier to navigate.

For me, I had to really look at what was driving my addiction and behaviour. In my opinion it all has to stem from somewhere and be symptomatic of something, some emotional pain or problem. I'm now getting to the bottom of what was driving all of this, although I realise I still have a very long road ahead of me.

What I do feel is a real success for me, is naming and owning this addiction and the anxiety that was pushing it. If I can name it, talk about it, think about it critically, I'm far less likely to go into 'automatic' mode.

Keep the faith in yourself - its tough but not impossible!
 
R

Rich

Member
17 days no PMO; 9 days no MO. Huh… it feels so much longer than that. I’ve been meditating with help of the Headspace app in the mornings. Since AM is a big time for my cravings, I think it’s helped. I can focus my mind on something else. However, something makes me feel like this week will be challenging. Ok… Deep breaths…. Bring it on!
 
R

Rich

Member
29 days no PMO - closing in on 30! I’ve MO-ed 4 times during that period, so I can’t say I’m a total success. Am I getting better…? Time will tell. I want to continue to a 90 day reboot, and I want to limit the MO even more, or even eliminate it, at least for a more significant period. I’ve mostly kept the P impulses in check, but that doesn’t mean I’ve eliminated thinking about it - that also isn’t necessarily what has led me to MO. I’d like to get those thoughts under control too. The meditations have helped, I think. But I need to apply them more strategically throughout the day. There’s been little improvement with my the marriage. My wife and I are sleeping in the same bed again, so that’s a big step. However, it was kind of forced due to the holiday - we’ll see if it goes back now that everyone’s leaving. And we’re far from having sex again. Maybe we’ll get there… Or maybe we won’t… that’s an unfortunate realization I might have to deal with.
 
R

Rich

Member
I only lasted 45 days and dropped back into old habits. I’ve been in relapse for 2 months. I’ve been finding sexy videos on YouTube and MO. I thought I could do this. I thought I could reset and recover. But I relapsed. And my wife found out, and I lied.
 
Androg

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
45 days is impressive...and now you know that sexy vids are triggers to be avoided. Lesson learned?
 
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