I gave him time - 90 days. As a 30+ recovering alcoholic and addict, I knew he had sex addictions/P addictions and in my gut I said - I can give him 90 days to work a recovery program - by then…my rage, disgust and devastation should be tempered. We are communicating in spurts. We try to keep civil and calm. I have asked that I no longer receive details about his longstanding, long-hidden addiction...it does me no good…damage has been done. I’m trying to be supportive and ask, “How did your meeting go?” I am not a checker - I’m not obsessing if he is or has offended or slipped. A new emotion has entered my feelings towards him…we’re at day 50 or so….I actually feel sorry for him. I still know so little about the addiction because it is so foreign to me…but lately I have been feeling sorry for him - that this was the only way he could escape from something…reality? Me? The Marriage? Life? Depression? Sorrow? I don’t effin‘ know - but what I do know is that this is HIS addiction. The first week or so - I judged him harshly (appropriately or not) and his choice of P Material SICKENED me. I’m still paralyzed at least once a day by invasive thoughts of what he did. Whether the marriage will stay in tact is still up in the air - What I have learned from friends on this board is that all this shit takes time…lots of it. And regardless of whether we stay together or split after 30 years - I know full well that I will still be living with it - and for that I am sad.
What he is doing for me is what I asked of him. Give me space. Don’t even think about arguing with me - at least not yet. I am a ticking time bomb. He has been nicer to me - incredibly brilliant man with more degrees than a thermometer - and I was always attracted to his intelligence and witty repartee - Now I look at him and he is a shell - a sad sack of sorts - a little boy who has finally realized the damage he has brought onto himself, me and the marriage.
Final Answer - SPACE & TIME - and I am preparing for lots of it.
