Crossing the river


Active Member
Glad to read you are still doing well and were able to delete those accounts. I can relate to that feeling of deleting all the ties to the addiction being liberating though I remember how I struggled at the time with doing so.
Day 8!

Made it a week!

One thing that's bothering me is how cowardly I am. I'm hesitant to ask questions at work about my pay and when the tip jar gets split up. I used to be more carefree and willing to put myself out there, but that's a long time ago when I was a teenager. Before porn. That's why I want to be my own man again, willing to put myself out there, risk myself for the right thing.

It's early days for me, even though I've been trying to recover since 2015 since reading YBOP. But really I've been trying to quit since 13. It's been an uneasy relationship with porn.

Today I found a tai chi class nearer to me on Monday nights that I can ride my pushbike to. I worked and realised again that my workplace is toxic. I walked 20 minutes each way to get a new inner tube for my bicycle in preparation for riding to Monday tai chi. And I made pizza for dinner.

I'm going to give myself credit for the things I've done today to recover and permission for not doing all the other things I could have done.
Day 10.

Been to two 12 step meetings the past two days. I admit the God thing is an issue, but I'm trying to focus on the fact that it's a group of people supporting each other to kick the habit. The steps, after all, are just suggestions.

I have a bad night at work last night which stressed me out a bit and dints my confidence. Basically, we served nuts to someone with an allergy and when I picked up the food I didn't check with the kitchen that there were no nuts like I normally do --- so I feel partly responsible. It's a hard way to learn a lesson as the guest needed to call an ambulance.

I finished 'Brain Reset' yesterday. It's an okay book and I took a few messages from it. One of which is that along with addiction I need to get more predictability in my life. I've never really worked full time and I've never really had a solid income and a permanent job. Part of the reason is lack of confidence, but some laziness too. I also want to look at the stress I have with the end of reducing it too.

I'm so glad to be porn-free today and I'll keep on keeping on.

@Chris1986 I'm going to listen Creedence Clearwater Revival now: don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy :) Closest thing I can think of!
Day 11.

It's not emergency stations yet, but my body definitely wants to release. I really should be exercising --- I'm certain intense exercise would help transmute this. I walk but that's probably not intense enough.

I'm so tired right now, but I was excited to wake up today so I got up super-early. That's odd because I don't really have anything to look forward to today: I'm working a split shift at work. I just wanted to be up and about rather than sleeping.

I feel more solid, like my body is more substantial than before. Like I am made of meat and not void. I read this somewhere but it's helpful:

Learn to love withdrawals

There's a power that comes from resisting the pull. I guess it's a form of resistance training.

I've been reading some journals here. It's hard reading people's struggles and about relapses after long periods. It sometimes seems like we're in this alone but every success makes us all stronger, means another person can help others more effectively, and be a beacon of hope. It's an article of faith for me that everyone can recover. That includes you and includes me.

Day 13

Reading 'Never Enough' by Judith Grisel. It's predominately about drug addiction and she speaks from first-hand experience of addiction. She talks about modern therapy approaches deliberately exposing recovering addicts to triggering situations (with support). The idea is that the drug causes one set of neurochemical processes (the a process) but to maintain homeostasis the brain also creates a second process (the b process) that counters the effects of the a process. If a drug is a stimulant the a process will be the stimulating effects and the b process will be the brain's counter effect of opposite nature and cause sluggishness. Over time the brain starts the b process on seeing drug stimulus --- even before/without taking the drug. Repeated exposure to a process triggers without the accompanying high of the a process will see the b process response weaken over time.

Reading about this made me concerned. I had assumed I'd just never look at triggering images again, and here's someone saying I should eventually do this purposely! I guess I'd thought I could be cloistered all my life. And it makes sense: if I don't eventually densensitise myself to triggers then I'll always be one trigger away from relapse.

I will say that mostly, during this reboot so far, I have not been sexualising strangers I see. I can admit to myself someone is good looking and then just hope for the best for them and (generally, not always) look away.

I purchased a exercise program template for working out at home with minimal equipment. I've yet to fully read the instructions but I plan on starting that this week. I have three days off starting today. I sorta don't know what to do with myself but there's a lot of chores I can hopefully get on top of, including my job search.
Day 14

Yesterday was a big day. Started day one of an 8-week exercise program. It's a no equipment and at home plan from Barbell Medicine. Feeling a bit sore today. Going to do my cardio tonight after the heat of the day has passed and before dinner. I often walk about my neighbourhood and last night I was walking home from the train when I saw a running lady I often see. We always say 'hello' to each other, but last night I said 'I start running tomorrow!'. She laughed and said something like 'we're always going to start running tomorrow' and ran on. After she'd gone another 50 metres she turned and yelled something out that I couldn't understand, and I think she'd realised I was serious.

I went to tai chi last night for a trial class. It was a late night: we didn't finish until 8:45pm. But I learnt the first part of a form so I can practice this week. It was challenging, there's a lot to find out but it felt natural --- more natural than yoga. I wasn't looking forward to it ending while doing it, I was so focused on trying following the instructions and copying other people's moves.

One thing I've restarted during this reboot is getting my morning routine back, and focusing on daily habits. My morning routine is:
  • wake up and have a glass of water with some vinegar in it
  • make a coffee and drink it in my armchair
  • write 3 pages of stream of consciousness (morning pages a la The Artists Way)
  • practice tai chi
  • post in this journal
  • make tea
  • do life reflection while drinking tea in my armchair facing the lilly pilly tree
  • hot shower then finish with cold water
  • brush my teeth
  • strength training on Mon/Wed/Fri
Other daily habits include:
  • meditation
  • bullet journaling
  • budget update
  • aerobic exercise on Tue/Thur/Sat
  • reading
Possible trigger warning for this post

I saw my psychologist today. She pointed out that I sometimes am abstract or talk about ideas rather than talk about what's happening with me. Today I want to talk about how low I got in my acting out.

I mentioned using poppers (amyl) to enhance masturbation in my first post. In my experience they also increased the pull to act on the more depraved elements of my fantasies. I became interested in scat porn in 2017 when I came across a tumblr site. I was initially shocked, but I eventually started visiting there regularly. For background, one of my early sexual experiences --- at the age of seven --- involves faeces. I went to the toilet at school and saw someone had shit on the floor of the stall. I was sort of intrigued and aroused by it. Another boy walked in and I became incredibly embarrassed that he thought I had done the poo. Later when I started masturbating sometimes I would get turned on by the funk of butt, and sniff or lick my fingers.

This porn was a lot more intense. I ended up replicating some self-scat play I saw depicted and, when I eventually started using poppers, found it made me want to go further. Around this time I discovered a hypnosis script involving heavy scat, domination, and even using animal faeces.

As a young gay boy I had read someone say 'if you're going to play in the ground you're bound to get muddy'. I always thought some scat was a part of anal sex. However, I probably had a fascination with it more than I admitted to myself. Once when about 20 I got high on marijuana and masturbated in my own shit. I also stole friend's dirty underwear and was very interested in the shitty streaks on them. in 2018 I met a man online with the intention of eating his shit. I didn't, but only because I freaked out. Things might have been different if I had taken poppers with me.

What does all this mean? Did porn and chemicals amplify a natural predilection for the dirtier aspects of male sexuality? Am I a totally depraved and hopeless person? What does it mean that I sort of regret not eating the shit of the guy I met online? Can I integrate these fantasies and actions and come to some peace around it?

I don't want to be a slave to these fantasies anymore. I don't want to be complicit in my own destruction anymore. I don't want to risk my health for a sexual high. I don't want the shame anymore. I don't want the secrets anymore.
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Thanks @Beautiful1973. I'm not sure I should have posted it, but I don't want to come across as some sanitised version of myself. I want to acknowledge the past and give myself a chance to heal and move on. I also hope it may be of service to someone, somewhere, to hear my story.

On reflection I realised I'm liberal enough that I don't mind being into some freaky things --- as long as there's informed consent and no harm to others --- but I want it to be authentic. If most of these fantasies come from interaction with porn then they can fuck off. (I also know that I got to a point in the addiction of not caring about consequences which I don't think is authentic). The weird freaky parts of my being on the other hand, they need to be listened to. Not necessarily entertained and allowed to do whatever they want, but I want to respect them. If I squashed everything in me that wasn't totally 'normal' I think that is doing the work of the tyrannt, a form of self-oppression/policing. But to act out every strange idea is immature.

My psych brought up the fact that faecal matter transplants are a thing, and I have to speculate that there is some evolutionary history where cross-contamination/cross-fertilisation of microbes through scat was actually advantageous. Similarly, I've seen people speculate that children playing in the ground and eating dirt is good for their immune system.

I think, however, that most of these fantasies are porn-induced. They are red-line fears that my body confused, in a heightened sexual state, for true sexual desires. They are part of being neurologically desensitised over time and needing more shocking material.

Day 15

I ran yesterday for the first time in months and months and months. It was mostly boring but felt good. I did body-weight exercises this morning.

I've been midnight snacking every night for weeks. This worries me from a self-control and dental-health perspective.

I didn't have a great day yesterday, especially compared to a really good day on Monday. I was tired and aimless in the afternoon. But I expected this especially after having such a good Monday.

Not really triggered. I need to go to campus on Friday and that's historically been a place of acting out so I'm a little concerned about that.
Day 16

Last night, during a time I would normally act out, I read a fiction book. I will run this evening. I'm going to buy a pedometer today, too. I feel a bit exposed, I'm not sure if it's because of what I posted before. I've removed edited out a sentence because I feel it was too much to share.

All in all doing okay.


Active Member
Possible trigger warning for this post

. Around this time I discovered a hypnosis script involving heavy scat, domination, and even using animal faeces.
That was a very brave post my man. This part about hypnosis I can identify with. The way I went was sissy hypno and I think it was to try and break myself in a way. Like "you ARE going to act out in this way...stop being a pussy. watch these to make it an easier thing to do!" Not sure if you agree with that or not though.
I think it was to try and break myself in a way
I relate to this. Sometimes it was like a wrecking ball in my mind, watching whatever it took, crossing the red line in a frantic thoughtless way because I wanted to be the lowest person. I wanted to shred my humanity. I knew watching hypno would make it easier to do the things described, but a part of me thought it was just a joke, that it was harmless because the writing was so self-aware and because it was just that, text.

I must have used that script a 100 times, maybe more, it's so hard to say.

Day 17

Some urges last night. Some P thoughts drifted through and I was the closest I've been to acting out, though that was still quite far away. I will repeat my Why statement a few times today to reinforce it.

I woke up super early today and went back to bed twice. Going to read today, and take myself to a coffee shop for an artist date before work tonight. I feel like my body is emitting more light than usual --- like I have a certain radiance. Did my morning routine slowly today, will do resistance training after I post this.
Day 19.

Last night laying in bed I came the closest to slipping I've been this reboot. Thank God I didn't, I would feel so bad today. For a moment I thought of the novelty I would find online, but then I thought of the short time I would enjoy it and the long time I would regret it and the urge eventually went away.
Day 20.

Just glad to be another day away from porn. Had a little struggle last night (Sunday) as I had free time that I would have filled with P in the past. I didn't, thankfully. Very tired this morning, but I like being awake. I'll probably nap in the afternoon today.
Day 21

Yesterday was fine. I had a little argument with someone and things got heated. They said 'I'll pray for you' and I responded I'll do the same. They didn't like that. While walking home from tai chi I did pray for this person and I felt a lot better having done so. I prayed to God the Universe, God who is everything, whom we are all a part, whom hears everything.

I wasn't triggered yesterday, I can feel my sexuality in my being but it's not over the top. I'm going to an in-person 12 step meeting tomorrow night. I'm a little apprehensive that being there and traveling through a dangerous part of town will raise the chances of me acting out. But I want to stay connected. Even though I'm skeptical of some of the 12-step dogma being in a recovery group, especially in person, is important. Just like this forum.
(trigger warning)

Day 22 of no P.

I MO'd last night for the first time this reboot. I didn't use P. I didn't use P fantasies. It felt alright, but I was a bit disappointed afterwards. I slept in this morning until midday, absolutely wrecked and unable to get out of bed. I put it down to MOing but maybe it's to do with medication. Today I've felt low and lost but I did smoke a handful of cigarettes with a friend yesterday so it might be because of that, too. I want to crawl into bed and cover my head with my hands. I'm just stopping myself thinking that I have things to do today. But I don't have to work today, and I don't really feel I have any hopes in life at the moment.

I've always been a loner, even when I had friends, I never really cooperated. I was fueled by porn through most of my life. I agree with the idea that my brain thought I was a success because I could go home and PMO to my world of twinks and men performing all manner of delightful perversions.

Later I would visit SOP venues and often get lucky. Who cares if a stranger thinks you're beautiful enough to O with? At most it's an hour of fun in a bleak landscape. But again, it can trick my brain into thinking I'm somehow not a total loser. Any success I've had was at the academic game, at studying for tests and then doing well in a very limited field. All my successes are from school, and the last of those is almost 2 decades ago. I've let relationships fall away, because I had stupid high standards, partly from porn. I've missed so many opportunities for vulnerability and connection, because things weren't perfect like the porn I'd watch. I've plumbed dark depths in my mind and searched to enact it in the world only to have any desire to do so fade after orgasm until the next time I'm horny. I've almost checked out of the human race. I'm hanging on by a thread. At the moment my death would mean almost nothing.

I don't think this will lead me to use P. I'm still committed to being rid of that shit. I know I've still got things to be grateful for. A warm bed, a roof over my head, food in the fridge, relative peace outside my door, a fan in my room to keep the worst of the heat at bay, a computer and this journal. I guess today is just a bad day. Thanks for reading.