. I'm not sure I should have posted it, but I don't want to come across as some sanitised version of myself. I want to acknowledge the past and give myself a chance to heal and move on. I also hope it may be of service to someone, somewhere, to hear my story.
On reflection I realised I'm liberal enough that I don't mind being into some freaky things --- as long as there's informed consent and no harm to others --- but I want it to be authentic. If most of these fantasies come from interaction with porn then they can fuck off. (I also know that I got to a point in the addiction of not caring about consequences which I don't think is authentic). The weird freaky parts of my being on the other hand, they need to be listened to. Not necessarily entertained and allowed to do whatever they want, but I want to respect them. If I squashed everything in me that wasn't totally 'normal' I think that is doing the work of the tyrannt, a form of self-oppression/policing. But to act out every strange idea is immature.
My psych brought up the fact that faecal matter transplants are a thing, and I have to speculate that there is some evolutionary history where cross-contamination/cross-fertilisation of microbes through scat was actually advantageous. Similarly, I've seen people speculate that children playing in the ground and eating dirt is good for their immune system.
I think, however, that most of these fantasies are porn-induced. They are red-line fears that my body confused, in a heightened sexual state, for true sexual desires. They are part of being neurologically desensitised over time and needing more shocking material.
I ran yesterday for the first time in months and months and months. It was mostly boring but felt good. I did body-weight exercises this morning.
I've been midnight snacking every night for weeks. This worries me from a self-control and dental-health perspective.
I didn't have a great day yesterday, especially compared to a really good day on Monday. I was tired and aimless in the afternoon. But I expected this especially after having such a good Monday.
Not really triggered. I need to go to campus on Friday and that's historically been a place of acting out so I'm a little concerned about that.