Crossing the river
- Thread starter one_man_canoe
- Start date
one_man_canoe
Member
Day 24 of no P
Busy day yesterday, no time to post. Back to quiet normality. MOing really messed with my energy, mainly by depleting it. Hopefully I can recall how drained I feel and not do it again. I mentioned the opponent process theory (from the book I'm reading) in an earlier post. Maybe my brain compensated when I MO'd because it thought I was going to use P and be busy for a lot longer.
I slept in a bit today, I've had lower energy and not been as charged up as I have been in the mornings prior to this MO event.
Busy day yesterday, no time to post. Back to quiet normality. MOing really messed with my energy, mainly by depleting it. Hopefully I can recall how drained I feel and not do it again. I mentioned the opponent process theory (from the book I'm reading) in an earlier post. Maybe my brain compensated when I MO'd because it thought I was going to use P and be busy for a lot longer.
I slept in a bit today, I've had lower energy and not been as charged up as I have been in the mornings prior to this MO event.
one_man_canoe
Member
Thanks STST, appreciate it. I haven't been packing my days but I have been doing more. Between exercise, reading, writing, programming and journaling I've been filling days up.
Day 25 porn free.
Doing fine. Up early again this morning which I love. Got some miscellaneous organisational stuff done. I'm used to wanting things to be finished so I can 'relax' but now I don't know what to do when I'm not doing stuff so I want to be doing. I'm still putting aside downtime for reflection however. I do need to get back into meditation but it's not happening just yet.
Still feeling a little low from MOing earlier this week, I didn't like the effect so I hope learn not to produce the cause!
Day 25 porn free.
Doing fine. Up early again this morning which I love. Got some miscellaneous organisational stuff done. I'm used to wanting things to be finished so I can 'relax' but now I don't know what to do when I'm not doing stuff so I want to be doing. I'm still putting aside downtime for reflection however. I do need to get back into meditation but it's not happening just yet.
Still feeling a little low from MOing earlier this week, I didn't like the effect so I hope learn not to produce the cause!
one_man_canoe
Member
Day 26 no P
Day 4 no M/O
Off to work this morning. Feeling well. No major urges. Really very thankful for this forum. Appreciate the encouragement to start a journal here also.
Plan to run tonight after the sun goes down. Will try and go to a Zen group on zoom tonight also.
Day 4 no M/O
Off to work this morning. Feeling well. No major urges. Really very thankful for this forum. Appreciate the encouragement to start a journal here also.
Plan to run tonight after the sun goes down. Will try and go to a Zen group on zoom tonight also.
Beautiful1973
Active Member
Keep paddling fella, your doing great.
one_man_canoe
Member
@Beautiful1973
*dips paddle into water, scoops back, pulls paddle out and reaches forward: canoe continues its glide across the water*
Day 27 no P/Day 5 no MO
Up early again. I did nothing of those things I posted about yesterday. I'm feeling quite sore but I'll try and do resistance training later today. I read back through the start of my journal and realised it's not even a month but quite a few things have changed. I've started exercising more, doing tai chi and getting up earlier. I could lose these gains but gains they are.
Three days off work. Stuff to do around the house and errands to run. I think I'm in a holding pattern with regard to employment until the new year but I'll keep looking anyway.
*dips paddle into water, scoops back, pulls paddle out and reaches forward: canoe continues its glide across the water*
Day 27 no P/Day 5 no MO
Up early again. I did nothing of those things I posted about yesterday. I'm feeling quite sore but I'll try and do resistance training later today. I read back through the start of my journal and realised it's not even a month but quite a few things have changed. I've started exercising more, doing tai chi and getting up earlier. I could lose these gains but gains they are.
Three days off work. Stuff to do around the house and errands to run. I think I'm in a holding pattern with regard to employment until the new year but I'll keep looking anyway.
one_man_canoe
Member
Day 29 no P/Day 7 no MO
I think of the saying: people overestimate what they can do in the short-term and underestimate what they can do in the long term. Just paddling through doing some tech stuff yesterday and today, getting ready for a new position that might come through. My current work has dramatically cut my hours. I saw a job advert for a higher end restaurant and had a lot of doubt I should apply. But writing this I've decided to apply tomorrow.
I think of the saying: people overestimate what they can do in the short-term and underestimate what they can do in the long term. Just paddling through doing some tech stuff yesterday and today, getting ready for a new position that might come through. My current work has dramatically cut my hours. I saw a job advert for a higher end restaurant and had a lot of doubt I should apply. But writing this I've decided to apply tomorrow.
one_man_canoe
Member
Day 30 no P/Day 8 no MO
Tomorrow is a milestone.
I can't remember who I was reading but they were discussing being a philosopher. They said that a philosopher knew what the future held to a degree. That is, some things are basically guaranteed: work, sickness, celebration, tedium, levity, conflict and more. How does this apply to rebooting? I learn that without porn to launch me into space my days become more stable, less unexpected. I know more the broad shape of and mostly what to expect in the day. I'm more joyous in performing my day than I was whilst using P. I enjoy the sound of my wheels on the road.
Speaking of routine, mine is slightly overloaded which explains why I can't get it all done each day. I want to focus on exercise, meditation, tai chi, morning pages and this journal.
Tomorrow is a milestone.
I can't remember who I was reading but they were discussing being a philosopher. They said that a philosopher knew what the future held to a degree. That is, some things are basically guaranteed: work, sickness, celebration, tedium, levity, conflict and more. How does this apply to rebooting? I learn that without porn to launch me into space my days become more stable, less unexpected. I know more the broad shape of and mostly what to expect in the day. I'm more joyous in performing my day than I was whilst using P. I enjoy the sound of my wheels on the road.
Speaking of routine, mine is slightly overloaded which explains why I can't get it all done each day. I want to focus on exercise, meditation, tai chi, morning pages and this journal.
one_man_canoe
Member
Day 31 no P/day 9 no MO
That makes it
30 days porn-free! The first time I've had that since the age of 13!! Thanks to everyone on here, I feel like my mindset and this journal are the two biggest tools I have to stay porn-free at the moment. I especially appreciate everyone who posted in this thread.
I thought about throwing in the towel last night and acting out. That's because I went online to delete the accounts that never got deleted. I'd sent a message to the admin back when I deleted the other accounts but I'd never followed up making sure the accounts got removed. Saw the email this morning that the accounts are gone, removed, erased! It was a bit cavalier to do this by myself so early on in my reboot, but it seems to have ended okay.
---
I feel like I've unlocked my reasons and desire to quit in my mind. This mindset makes a huge difference to quitting. I'm not focusing on what I'm giving up either. Just living into my new life. My mindset can't perfectly resist the justifications of P use, so I've been avoiding triggers massively. I definitely try not to think about porn, sex, or touch myself in a sexual way. It's just like I have a wound and am protecting it. I still hope it will heal but sex is the last thing on my mind.
We can do this!
That makes it
30 days porn-free! The first time I've had that since the age of 13!! Thanks to everyone on here, I feel like my mindset and this journal are the two biggest tools I have to stay porn-free at the moment. I especially appreciate everyone who posted in this thread.I thought about throwing in the towel last night and acting out. That's because I went online to delete the accounts that never got deleted. I'd sent a message to the admin back when I deleted the other accounts but I'd never followed up making sure the accounts got removed. Saw the email this morning that the accounts are gone, removed, erased! It was a bit cavalier to do this by myself so early on in my reboot, but it seems to have ended okay.
---
I feel like I've unlocked my reasons and desire to quit in my mind. This mindset makes a huge difference to quitting. I'm not focusing on what I'm giving up either. Just living into my new life. My mindset can't perfectly resist the justifications of P use, so I've been avoiding triggers massively. I definitely try not to think about porn, sex, or touch myself in a sexual way. It's just like I have a wound and am protecting it. I still hope it will heal but sex is the last thing on my mind.
We can do this!
STST
Active Member
CongratsDay 31 no P/day 9 no MO
That makes it
I thought about throwing in the towel last night and acting out. That's because I went online to delete the accounts that never got deleted. I'd sent a message to the admin back when I deleted the other accounts but I'd never followed up making sure the accounts got removed. Saw the email this morning that the accounts are gone, removed, erased! It was a bit cavalier to do this by myself so early on in my reboot, but it seems to have ended okay.
---
I feel like I've unlocked my reasons and desire to quit in my mind. This mindset makes a huge difference to quitting. I'm not focusing on what I'm giving up either. Just living into my new life. My mindset can't perfectly resist the justifications of P use, so I've been avoiding triggers massively. I definitely try not to think about porn, sex, or touch myself in a sexual way. It's just like I have a wound and am protecting it. I still hope it will heal but sex is the last thing on my mind.
We can do this!
one_man_canoe
Member
Day 32 no P/Day 10 no MO
Thanks @STST !!
I had a dream I relapsed last night. Thankfully just a dream.
I spent some time yesterday preparing to delete the email address I associate with acting out. It was tied to my phone so I've gone through and cut that tie. I'll delete the address today. I also did something I've been meaning to do for ages and rationalise my other email addresses. Previously its seemed like a too hard task but I made a lot of progress towards it in the past few days. The mental effort to work on the internet is less now because I'm no longer acting out and associating the net with shame and regret. This is important as I do some work in IT.
Had another compliment from a table at the restaurant last night. Always feels nice.
Did a deep work session yesterday and found it valuable, make some progress on what I'm doing with my life in that 2 hour period. Didn't meditate yesterday. I'll aim to do so today.
Thanks @STST !!
I had a dream I relapsed last night. Thankfully just a dream.
I spent some time yesterday preparing to delete the email address I associate with acting out. It was tied to my phone so I've gone through and cut that tie. I'll delete the address today. I also did something I've been meaning to do for ages and rationalise my other email addresses. Previously its seemed like a too hard task but I made a lot of progress towards it in the past few days. The mental effort to work on the internet is less now because I'm no longer acting out and associating the net with shame and regret. This is important as I do some work in IT.
Had another compliment from a table at the restaurant last night. Always feels nice.
Did a deep work session yesterday and found it valuable, make some progress on what I'm doing with my life in that 2 hour period. Didn't meditate yesterday. I'll aim to do so today.
one_man_canoe
Member
Day 33 no P. Day 11 no MO.
Doing fine.
Doing fine.
one_man_canoe
Member
Day 34 no P. Day 12 no MO.
Triggered last night walking home late. Literally considered playing with myself as I walked home. Made some calls to people I know on the other side of the world from 12 step groups. Was helpful. I feel on the outer of those groups, I feel like a dissenting voice. A noteworthy number of people in those groups get very down on themselves that they aren't working the program right, or hard enough. I think this guilt and the shame around acting out in contradiction to desires or personal values feeds the addictive cycle. I don't want to be overly critical however.
Up again early, probably too early today and I think I should have gone back to bed considering it's Sunday.
Triggered last night walking home late. Literally considered playing with myself as I walked home. Made some calls to people I know on the other side of the world from 12 step groups. Was helpful. I feel on the outer of those groups, I feel like a dissenting voice. A noteworthy number of people in those groups get very down on themselves that they aren't working the program right, or hard enough. I think this guilt and the shame around acting out in contradiction to desires or personal values feeds the addictive cycle. I don't want to be overly critical however.
Up again early, probably too early today and I think I should have gone back to bed considering it's Sunday.
one_man_canoe
Member
35/13
I woke up too early yesterday and was cranky and hard-headed all day. Got a bit more rest overnight. Plan to exercise this morning before I go get a covid booster.
Some urges last night and considered MOing but chose not to.
I woke up too early yesterday and was cranky and hard-headed all day. Got a bit more rest overnight. Plan to exercise this morning before I go get a covid booster.
Some urges last night and considered MOing but chose not to.
one_man_canoe
Member
37/15
I'm unfocused at the moment. I think this is where I need to remind myself that this is a marathon not a sprint. I want everything to be easy. I'm scared of focusing on the wrong things so I spread myself thin. I'm entitled, like society/the world owes me success. I'm going to do some reading today instead of forcing myself to work at my computer.
I'm unfocused at the moment. I think this is where I need to remind myself that this is a marathon not a sprint. I want everything to be easy. I'm scared of focusing on the wrong things so I spread myself thin. I'm entitled, like society/the world owes me success. I'm going to do some reading today instead of forcing myself to work at my computer.
Chris1986
Active Member
I think sometimes we need to take sometime for ourselves to reflect upon what we have been feeling and see if stuff that has been floating about in our subconscious comes up to our conscious brain. I can relate to spreading myself thin as I have so many hobbies/projects on the go at times.
It reminds me of how busy I would try and keep myself before I started true recovery but I now know that was just trying to keep escaping my thoughts and feelings.
I am sure your focus will return soon. Keep up the work and find your pace in this marathon.
It reminds me of how busy I would try and keep myself before I started true recovery but I now know that was just trying to keep escaping my thoughts and feelings.
I am sure your focus will return soon. Keep up the work and find your pace in this marathon.
one_man_canoe
Member
Thanks @Chris1986, I think reflection is an important practice that I will aim to do more of. I was setting aside 15 minutes a day for a while there to just sit and think about how life is going. I think I need to trust my ability to make sense of life and course-correct. I often don't want to reflect because I doubt my abilities to do that.
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Day 38/16
I picked up my 30 day chip from SLAA last night. I felt nervous afterwards, like I realised that I have something to lose if I go back to PMO. I will lose this increase in energy I have experienced. I had a few unmotivated days but not feeling quite so tired this morning.
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Day 38/16
I picked up my 30 day chip from SLAA last night. I felt nervous afterwards, like I realised that I have something to lose if I go back to PMO. I will lose this increase in energy I have experienced. I had a few unmotivated days but not feeling quite so tired this morning.
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one_man_canoe
Member
Day 39 no P/Day 1 no MO
Didn't really want to MO last night but I really didn't think the urge would pass so I took the lesser of two options.
Didn't really want to MO last night but I really didn't think the urge would pass so I took the lesser of two options.