for the support.
I've lost my mental clarity about why I want to try living a different way. I think part of why I use P is I want to feel normal in my freakiness. But that feeling of fitting in evaporates when I O. It's like someone who says they are your friend but snubs you whenever you see them out in public.
I feel old at 36. I'm just tired of it all. I'm tired of doing what I don't want to do, and I'm tired of feeling shame afterwards. I'm so very tired of the 'this is it, this is the best thing ever' feeling before I O.
Choose life. Choose reliability. Choose a healthy life. Choose putting down the smartphone. Choose people knowing where you are and what you're doing. Choose not hiding anymore. Choose joy, and richness, choose smiling at strangers. Choose to deserve the respect of those closest to you. Choose to help build a better world. Choose to focus on the things you can do. Choose feeling good about yourself again. Choose to try again.
How do I get that mental clarity about quitting again? I want to know enough, but in the depths of P I can't know that. I always want everything, all the more. Maybe I can build clarity and drive around the word 'enough'.