one_man_canoe
Member
Hi, I'm starting this journal again with a bit of history about me and how I got here.
Warning: mention of drugs, fetish porn
The first porn I saw was a magazine that got spread around Primary School until it ended up in my possession. I was 12ish. I kept it hidden in my room until my parents discovered it and confiscated it. It was straight pornography, men and women both at some greaser event - cars and bikes out in woop woop style thing.
When I was 13 we got our first post-DOS computer running Windows 95. Eventually we got the internet. This was in the pre-Google days and I used a program to search the Net. The first thing I searched for was "pornography" and the second "gay pornography". I also spent a lot of time in the shady IRC porn world.
I spent a lot of time on online dating websites as a teenager. I don't know if they still exist but it was places 13-19 year olds would go to meet and chat with others and maybe date. I met a great guy there and we talked for ages getting very familiar with each other and each other's life. We met eventually but I didn't find him so attractive in real life and I think he was embarrassed at what I was wearing. We almost kissed but didn't. I wonder what life would have been like if we had...
Some of the things I'm most ashamed of from this time were downloading porn at friend's home and even once in a friend's dorm room when I knew he was away. I'd download videos from sites and masturbate or even go so far as download an IRC client and download videos that way. Once he mentioned to me that he didn't understand why there was an IRC client on his computer.
Once I stole this same friend's dirty boxers from his dorm room and masturbated to them in a toilet at uni.
Finally when I was 20 I stopped using IRC.
Unfortunately I also drank a lot during these years. I had some embarrassing hookups at bars. I also hooked up a bit online.
I existed in this messy porn state drinking and smoking for a while. Eventually we experienced a crisis in the share house I was in and I moved back in with my mother.
About this time I heard about Your Brain on Porn and decided I had this problem. Unfortunately, despite realising this I also decided to explore amyl nitrates and related compounds. These are inhalants that people use for bottoming as they dilate the muscles. They also give a high that I like and make me really horny and want to explore depravity. I was living with my mother at the time and spent about 4 years doing this before I eventually moved out to a sharehouse.
I always liked dirty things a bit. I was turned on my musk and dirty underwear - sometimes quite dirty - and I'd had some scatological experiences growing up. But around the time I found out about YBOP and started using amyls I also started looking at scat pornography. This lead me down a dark road.
I kept this pattern up for years even after getting into recovery in 2021. I frankly cannot handle amyls, they make me an insatiable person.
I can't overestimate how long I spent doing this sort of stuff.
Thankfully I never let myself act on the worse of these desires. But what I did would shock most people. Of course I've seen what others do and post online and in doing so we all inspire us to do more. It's quite a vicious cycle.
I spent years doing Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous meetings. I had periods of some success but I found counting days mostly demoralising. I've quite weed, cigarettes and vapes before but I never found counting days helpful. And worse, when I did slip, it was actively discouraging.
I moved out into a unit by myself and have been mostly amyl-free since then. It's been about 6 months since I last used. I've been watching porn a few times a week.
The old saying I know goes "fall seven rise eight". I think most of us can agree it's more like fall 10000 rise 10001. I hope I can leave this behind.
I don't do weed anymore. I don't drink and I only smoke cigarettes rarely. I am basically trying to be straight-edge and away from all recreational drugs. This is the easiest way for me to keep abstinence from drugs in me life and not act on the compulsions to degradation and filth.
I can appreciate the progress I've made over the past few years but I'm still not in a position where I'm happy with my lifestyle nor could I really seriously love another human. Here's to finally making it to the other side, may we all escape our addiction and live in health.
Warning: mention of drugs, fetish porn
The first porn I saw was a magazine that got spread around Primary School until it ended up in my possession. I was 12ish. I kept it hidden in my room until my parents discovered it and confiscated it. It was straight pornography, men and women both at some greaser event - cars and bikes out in woop woop style thing.
When I was 13 we got our first post-DOS computer running Windows 95. Eventually we got the internet. This was in the pre-Google days and I used a program to search the Net. The first thing I searched for was "pornography" and the second "gay pornography". I also spent a lot of time in the shady IRC porn world.
I spent a lot of time on online dating websites as a teenager. I don't know if they still exist but it was places 13-19 year olds would go to meet and chat with others and maybe date. I met a great guy there and we talked for ages getting very familiar with each other and each other's life. We met eventually but I didn't find him so attractive in real life and I think he was embarrassed at what I was wearing. We almost kissed but didn't. I wonder what life would have been like if we had...
Some of the things I'm most ashamed of from this time were downloading porn at friend's home and even once in a friend's dorm room when I knew he was away. I'd download videos from sites and masturbate or even go so far as download an IRC client and download videos that way. Once he mentioned to me that he didn't understand why there was an IRC client on his computer.
Once I stole this same friend's dirty boxers from his dorm room and masturbated to them in a toilet at uni.
Finally when I was 20 I stopped using IRC.
Unfortunately I also drank a lot during these years. I had some embarrassing hookups at bars. I also hooked up a bit online.
I existed in this messy porn state drinking and smoking for a while. Eventually we experienced a crisis in the share house I was in and I moved back in with my mother.
About this time I heard about Your Brain on Porn and decided I had this problem. Unfortunately, despite realising this I also decided to explore amyl nitrates and related compounds. These are inhalants that people use for bottoming as they dilate the muscles. They also give a high that I like and make me really horny and want to explore depravity. I was living with my mother at the time and spent about 4 years doing this before I eventually moved out to a sharehouse.
I always liked dirty things a bit. I was turned on my musk and dirty underwear - sometimes quite dirty - and I'd had some scatological experiences growing up. But around the time I found out about YBOP and started using amyls I also started looking at scat pornography. This lead me down a dark road.
I kept this pattern up for years even after getting into recovery in 2021. I frankly cannot handle amyls, they make me an insatiable person.
I can't overestimate how long I spent doing this sort of stuff.
Thankfully I never let myself act on the worse of these desires. But what I did would shock most people. Of course I've seen what others do and post online and in doing so we all inspire us to do more. It's quite a vicious cycle.
I spent years doing Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous and Sex and Porn Addicts Anonymous meetings. I had periods of some success but I found counting days mostly demoralising. I've quite weed, cigarettes and vapes before but I never found counting days helpful. And worse, when I did slip, it was actively discouraging.
I moved out into a unit by myself and have been mostly amyl-free since then. It's been about 6 months since I last used. I've been watching porn a few times a week.
The old saying I know goes "fall seven rise eight". I think most of us can agree it's more like fall 10000 rise 10001. I hope I can leave this behind.
I don't do weed anymore. I don't drink and I only smoke cigarettes rarely. I am basically trying to be straight-edge and away from all recreational drugs. This is the easiest way for me to keep abstinence from drugs in me life and not act on the compulsions to degradation and filth.
I can appreciate the progress I've made over the past few years but I'm still not in a position where I'm happy with my lifestyle nor could I really seriously love another human. Here's to finally making it to the other side, may we all escape our addiction and live in health.