one_man_canoe
Member
Hi RN and welcome to my journal.
I am 36 and I started using the internet to watch porn when I was 13. Unfortunately I started with extreme pornography that violated my values. This caused me a lot of mental anguish. I have known about YBOP and porn addiction since at least 2015 but have not managed to kick the habit. In 2017 I started using chemicals (poppers) to increase the pleasure. At the same time I started using more extreme fetish content and got into hypnosis scripts. I'm queer but I've not been very out and proud because I always felt shame and guilt for the porn I watched and so it was hard to be proud of my sexuality.
I have been involved in 12 steps for over a year. I have been on recovery forums before but never really deeply engaged. Like most things in life I thought I'd just do the minimum and be fine. That hasn't worked.
As I was falling asleep last night thinking about how I want to recover my username came to me. At the moment I think recovery is like crossing a river in a canoe we build for ourselves. I'm not saying we can't get help, we do. I'm not saying we don't use tools, we do. But no one is going to be there all the time when we are triggered so we need to do the work ourselves. But the beautiful thing is that many others have crossed rivers --- and oceans --- before and can share methods and tools for this recovery work.
I waver in my resolve to quit porn. I keep thinking I need all the motivation to quit all the time. But reading about others experiences, or summations of research helps me be motivated.
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My goals?
I want to be free of porn. I want to be free of chemicals like poppers or alcohol to enhance sex. I want to be free of anonymous hookups. I want to be free of fetish behaviours that I act out in real life that threaten my health. I want to be free of masturbation to porn fantasies or porn recollections, and to extreme fantasies.
---
I am not good at taking charge or deviating from habit. There's a list of things I need to do but can't seem to work up the energy to including sell a bunch of stuff online that's taking up space at home, and opening a new bank account. Maybe these tasks are hard because they are online tasks and I feel so overwhelmed by the internet because of its association with acting out. Whatever the reason I hope to find that having crossed the river to a porn-free life I will be more able to do the things I need to in life and more willing to do positive things that I haven't done before.
At times I feel so hopeless. While I wish for more in life I always wish for less, and for the ability to settle for enough. Porn keeps me thinking 'maybe there's something better out there' which is unhealthy when it stops you forming relationships or being vulnerable because you're constantly waiting for something 'better'.
---
I am still involved with a sponsor in 12 steps and talk with fellows but I haven't attended meetings in months. After a particularly demoralising acting out session last night I have new resolve to be free from this porn. However I am easily distracted and led by other people's opinions who minimise the effects of porn or don't think its an addiction. Therefore one goal is to engage in recovery daily and read this forum, YBOP, or books about this addiction regularly.
I need to delete two accounts I started recently whilst acting out and uninstall some apps from my phone. I am cleaning up my room today which is a mess. I'm glad to have written this even though I think it is disjointed and all over the place. I'm so sick of being at zero, but forums like RN, sites like YBOP and all the people here trying to get free really give me hope.
I am 36 and I started using the internet to watch porn when I was 13. Unfortunately I started with extreme pornography that violated my values. This caused me a lot of mental anguish. I have known about YBOP and porn addiction since at least 2015 but have not managed to kick the habit. In 2017 I started using chemicals (poppers) to increase the pleasure. At the same time I started using more extreme fetish content and got into hypnosis scripts. I'm queer but I've not been very out and proud because I always felt shame and guilt for the porn I watched and so it was hard to be proud of my sexuality.
I have been involved in 12 steps for over a year. I have been on recovery forums before but never really deeply engaged. Like most things in life I thought I'd just do the minimum and be fine. That hasn't worked.
As I was falling asleep last night thinking about how I want to recover my username came to me. At the moment I think recovery is like crossing a river in a canoe we build for ourselves. I'm not saying we can't get help, we do. I'm not saying we don't use tools, we do. But no one is going to be there all the time when we are triggered so we need to do the work ourselves. But the beautiful thing is that many others have crossed rivers --- and oceans --- before and can share methods and tools for this recovery work.
I waver in my resolve to quit porn. I keep thinking I need all the motivation to quit all the time. But reading about others experiences, or summations of research helps me be motivated.
---
My goals?
I want to be free of porn. I want to be free of chemicals like poppers or alcohol to enhance sex. I want to be free of anonymous hookups. I want to be free of fetish behaviours that I act out in real life that threaten my health. I want to be free of masturbation to porn fantasies or porn recollections, and to extreme fantasies.
---
I am not good at taking charge or deviating from habit. There's a list of things I need to do but can't seem to work up the energy to including sell a bunch of stuff online that's taking up space at home, and opening a new bank account. Maybe these tasks are hard because they are online tasks and I feel so overwhelmed by the internet because of its association with acting out. Whatever the reason I hope to find that having crossed the river to a porn-free life I will be more able to do the things I need to in life and more willing to do positive things that I haven't done before.
At times I feel so hopeless. While I wish for more in life I always wish for less, and for the ability to settle for enough. Porn keeps me thinking 'maybe there's something better out there' which is unhealthy when it stops you forming relationships or being vulnerable because you're constantly waiting for something 'better'.
---
I am still involved with a sponsor in 12 steps and talk with fellows but I haven't attended meetings in months. After a particularly demoralising acting out session last night I have new resolve to be free from this porn. However I am easily distracted and led by other people's opinions who minimise the effects of porn or don't think its an addiction. Therefore one goal is to engage in recovery daily and read this forum, YBOP, or books about this addiction regularly.
I need to delete two accounts I started recently whilst acting out and uninstall some apps from my phone. I am cleaning up my room today which is a mess. I'm glad to have written this even though I think it is disjointed and all over the place. I'm so sick of being at zero, but forums like RN, sites like YBOP and all the people here trying to get free really give me hope.