Crossing the river

Hi RN and welcome to my journal.

I am 36 and I started using the internet to watch porn when I was 13. Unfortunately I started with extreme pornography that violated my values. This caused me a lot of mental anguish. I have known about YBOP and porn addiction since at least 2015 but have not managed to kick the habit. In 2017 I started using chemicals (poppers) to increase the pleasure. At the same time I started using more extreme fetish content and got into hypnosis scripts. I'm queer but I've not been very out and proud because I always felt shame and guilt for the porn I watched and so it was hard to be proud of my sexuality.

I have been involved in 12 steps for over a year. I have been on recovery forums before but never really deeply engaged. Like most things in life I thought I'd just do the minimum and be fine. That hasn't worked.

As I was falling asleep last night thinking about how I want to recover my username came to me. At the moment I think recovery is like crossing a river in a canoe we build for ourselves. I'm not saying we can't get help, we do. I'm not saying we don't use tools, we do. But no one is going to be there all the time when we are triggered so we need to do the work ourselves. But the beautiful thing is that many others have crossed rivers --- and oceans --- before and can share methods and tools for this recovery work.

I waver in my resolve to quit porn. I keep thinking I need all the motivation to quit all the time. But reading about others experiences, or summations of research helps me be motivated.

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My goals?

I want to be free of porn. I want to be free of chemicals like poppers or alcohol to enhance sex. I want to be free of anonymous hookups. I want to be free of fetish behaviours that I act out in real life that threaten my health. I want to be free of masturbation to porn fantasies or porn recollections, and to extreme fantasies.

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I am not good at taking charge or deviating from habit. There's a list of things I need to do but can't seem to work up the energy to including sell a bunch of stuff online that's taking up space at home, and opening a new bank account. Maybe these tasks are hard because they are online tasks and I feel so overwhelmed by the internet because of its association with acting out. Whatever the reason I hope to find that having crossed the river to a porn-free life I will be more able to do the things I need to in life and more willing to do positive things that I haven't done before.

At times I feel so hopeless. While I wish for more in life I always wish for less, and for the ability to settle for enough. Porn keeps me thinking 'maybe there's something better out there' which is unhealthy when it stops you forming relationships or being vulnerable because you're constantly waiting for something 'better'.

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I am still involved with a sponsor in 12 steps and talk with fellows but I haven't attended meetings in months. After a particularly demoralising acting out session last night I have new resolve to be free from this porn. However I am easily distracted and led by other people's opinions who minimise the effects of porn or don't think its an addiction. Therefore one goal is to engage in recovery daily and read this forum, YBOP, or books about this addiction regularly.

I need to delete two accounts I started recently whilst acting out and uninstall some apps from my phone. I am cleaning up my room today which is a mess. I'm glad to have written this even though I think it is disjointed and all over the place. I'm so sick of being at zero, but forums like RN, sites like YBOP and all the people here trying to get free really give me hope.
 
Day 2

I went to a secondhand bookstore yesterday looking specifically for books on addiction and picked up David Gillespie's 'Brain Reset'. I've read about half of it overnight. I felt quite hopeful reading it yesterday that some of this brain health stuff might not be as hard as I tend to think it is. Maybe I can overcome addiction and lead a less stressful and meaningful life. Maybe a lot of the battle is just reading good science and applying it.

I had a vivid dream last night and unusual morning wood in the morning. I thought about exercising this morning but I had a coffee first thing instead. I aim to start running again soon.

I haven't deleted the accounts I wrote about yesterday yet, might enlist a recovery friend to stay on the phone with me while I do that so I don't act out.

Had a conversation with a new friend of mine that I've acted out with about my decision to quit pornography. We had a long debate about my reasoning but it wasn't argumentative or emotional and he was quite supportive in the end.

Time to get ready to go to work.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Hey hoping you are still going strong.

I have found running really useful during my long period (nearly 600 days) of recovery (currently on day 5 after 6 months acting out in secret.)
How did you find it chatting with your friend whom you have acted out with in the past? What feelings came up for you?
 
Hey hoping you are still going strong.

I have found running really useful during my long period (nearly 600 days) of recovery (currently on day 5 after 6 months acting out in secret.)
How did you find it chatting with your friend whom you have acted out with in the past? What feelings came up for you?
Thanks for sharing your experience. Glad to hear you're back on your recovery journey. Are you running still? Your reply made me think why I'm not running yet and one reason is the sun is too intense in the mornings so I'm going to try running in the evenings.

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I am still going. It's day three today. Since my acting out times were usually at night I'm considering mornings to be the end of my recovery day/start of a new day. My delivery of 'Porn Free' by Matt Dobschuetz arrived yesterday and I've read half of it this morning (it's a short book). One thing he talks about is finding your Why. As in, why do I want to quit? Reflecting on this question this morning I think:

I want to quit porn because using it leaves me ashamed and empty, makes me cross healthy boundaries, blinds me to real problems in life, distances me from people in my life, makes me fearful of strangers and the loving gaze of humanity and because I owe it to my inner child to taste life without it.

In reading Matt's book today he talks about building systems rather than focusing on goals. I wonder what systems others have in place for success? I feel pretty impotent in this regard. I struggle with decision making and deciding what to do in the moment is part of it. I think I'll read more 'Brain Reset' today because from looking ahead the latter it appears the latter chapters have more actionable material on dealing with addiction.
 
Hey hoping you are still going strong.

I have found running really useful during my long period (nearly 600 days) of recovery (currently on day 5 after 6 months acting out in secret.)
How did you find it chatting with your friend whom you have acted out with in the past? What feelings came up for you?
I was initially hesitant to bring it up, but it was a respectful conversation and in the end he agreed that everyone needs to decide for themselves what is healthy, what their bounds are and whether they use pornography or not. Whilst I agree with that I also think that there's a power asymmetry between porn consumers and the companies that make/distribute/host pornography. Leaving everything up to the rational consumer and relying on their level-headed, educated, wise ability to make decisions seems rather fraught, but I am definitely just making the decision to live porn-free for myself and don't know how we should deal with this on a societal level.

Actually the conservation itself was chill. I think it's because I had read some YBOP articles that day and had thought through some of the issues so I felt quite capable defending my decision. Plus I had expected him to disagree so it wasn't a surprise when he took the devil's advocate position!
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Hey again. Yeah I am running though I did let it lapse during my relapse but I have gone twice this week. A 5.8k run and today a 6k followed by a 30 minute walk as I ran too far out of my way! It's nice running again and not having that crazy feeling I have when I let the demon (my addiction) in the driving seat.

I am glad that your conversation with your friend went well. Do you think you will keep in contact with your using friends though down the line?
My personal experience is I had to cut a lot of ties in my life and I felt a lot better for doing so.
 
Day Four

I've been repeating my why to myself since I wrote it. Didn't run last night, didn't do a proper walk either. I did cook a proper stir-fry meal with lots of vegies and a little pork which I felt good about. Working a split shift today and tomorrow, so not much to look forward to in the next 24 hours.
 
Hey again. Yeah I am running though I did let it lapse during my relapse but I have gone twice this week. A 5.8k run and today a 6k followed by a 30 minute walk as I ran too far out of my way! It's nice running again and not having that crazy feeling I have when I let the demon (my addiction) in the driving seat.

I am glad that your conversation with your friend went well. Do you think you will keep in contact with your using friends though down the line?
My personal experience is I had to cut a lot of ties in my life and I felt a lot better for doing so.

I think I will keep in contact. That said, this friend is a new friend so it's still uncertain if the friendship will persist or not. But I will need to be aware of my boundaries --- something I've been bad at whilst using porn. I know that my resolve wavers at times, but this porn-free journey is so important to my life that I would consider breaking ties with people. As I said in my original why statement, I owe it to my inner child to try life without porn. It's the most important thing in my life at the moment.
 
Day Five

I think I'm having trouble sleeping because of the withdrawals. This is the second night of broken sleep since stopping and normally I sleep like a log.

I got an email that I have a message on a fetish hookup social networking site. Part of me wants to check it, part of me really, really, really doesn't. I'm realising that there's places online I just can't go and this feels like one such places, at least for now. I deleted the notification email and I won't check it now.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
I think I will keep in contact. That said, this friend is a new friend so it's still uncertain if the friendship will persist or not. But I will need to be aware of my boundaries --- something I've been bad at whilst using porn. I know that my resolve wavers at times, but this porn-free journey is so important to my life that I would consider breaking ties with people. As I said in my original why statement, I owe it to my inner child to try life without porn. It's the most important thing in my life at the moment.
I am glad you are doing inner child work as well. Some people find it strange but I have found it incredibly useful. I lost sight of that during my relapse.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Day Five

I think I'm having trouble sleeping because of the withdrawals. This is the second night of broken sleep since stopping and normally I sleep like a log.

I got an email that I have a message on a fetish hookup social networking site. Part of me wants to check it, part of me really, really, really doesn't. I'm realising that there's places online I just can't go and this feels like one such places, at least for now. I deleted the notification email and I won't check it now.
CHANGE your email. Start afresh. You will be hounded by all these things otherwise and the temptation is just not worth. I also Had to change my mobile as that had tied to so much shit.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
@one_man_canoe, @Chris1986 if you are interested in learning more about your inner child I can highly recommend:
Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts your Sexual Addiction by Eddie Capparucci, it's a must read, if you haven't already.

Best Wishes on your journey's.

 
CHANGE your email. Start afresh. You will be hounded by all these things otherwise and the temptation is just not worth. I also Had to change my mobile as that had tied to so much shit.

Yes, great advice. That makes me realise I need to close the email account my smartphone is signed in under too as that's the email I used for a lot of acting out.

I am due to talk to my sponsor in a 12 step fellowship this evening. My plan is to log into and delete three accounts whilst on the phone with him. I won't read the message that's been sent. Get in and delete the accounts. Once it's done I'll delete the email alias those accounts are tied to. I'll look into changing my google account on my phone later.
 
Day Six.

Can't lie, I want to read that message. But I've thought about the outcomes of reading it: all are bad.

I slept poorly again last night but that's because I had reflux and my cpap machine wouldn't turn on. I'm surprised how badly I've been sleeping since quitting though, this hasn't happened on previous quitting attempts. Can't help but think it's a sign that I'm on the right track.

I want to spend a few hours of my off tomorrow reading. I also want to do a job search and investigate the phone email account issue.

I am committed to quitting porn because I am tired of risking my health for a high, and because I want to be my own man again.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
I'm surprised how badly I've been sleeping since quitting though, this hasn't happened on previous quitting attempts. Can't help but think it's a sign that I'm on the right track.
Apparently it's to do with the Dopamine trying to rebalance, your definitely on the right track:)
 
Completely forgot to post this morning. Day seven. I woke up to my alarm thinking 'why am I up so early on a day off?' before I remembered I was going to Tai Chi with my mother. I have never been to Tai Chi before, though I've wanted to for a number of years. It was at a bushland centre, so class was in the dappled shade and surrounded by trees. At a few points I could really feel my energy move and some power flow through me. I gave myself permission to go with this without mental comment or criticism. At another point a small tree fell down by itself and it felt like a gift to be there for it. All in all in was more intense that I thought it would be and is something I hope I can motivate myself to do regularly.

Another broken sleep last night where I woke up numerous times.

Good luck to all reading this.
 
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